Author Topic: Should I call mom or stay out of it? UPDATE #75!!  (Read 17803 times)

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metallicafan

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2013, 02:13:07 PM »
I would also vote for informing the teacher. The teacher probably knows the parents at least a little bit and could decide better whether or not to contact them about the issue with the nanny.
As others have already said. Contacting the Parents yourself, without prior contact, could come off as rather nosy and meddlesome to those parents.
Cast my vote here too.

snowdragon

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2013, 02:33:04 PM »
I would also vote for informing the teacher. The teacher probably knows the parents at least a little bit and could decide better whether or not to contact them about the issue with the nanny.
As others have already said. Contacting the Parents yourself, without prior contact, could come off as rather nosy and meddlesome to those parents.

POD to this.  Definitely talk to the teacher/principal/school counselor about this.


Hey, if the nanny is acting like this when other adults are watching, how is she treating the kids when there's no one else around?

It may be overreaction on my part, but reading the OP's post makes my hackles rise.

This - that child is not super shy, he's scared. That nanny needs replacing

esposita

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2013, 02:42:53 PM »
I don't think you can really know a kid's temperment from five minutes in a waiting room with him and a bunch of other kids though.

DS2 comes across as veeery shy and quiet and timid and sweet, but let me tell you, he is a complete hooligan through and through.  ;) A sweet hooligan, who loves to cuddle, but he's not shy and he yells the loudest and plays the hardest. But people underestimate him greatly all the time.

TootsNYC

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #18 on: September 13, 2013, 03:01:03 PM »
I think you could start a conversation *in person* with the mom, and say, "How do you like your nanny? We see her a lot here. How is she with your kids at home?"

And then you can say, "She seems extremely strict with your son. To be honest, I personally find her quite harsh with him. Have you been able to observe them together?"

Then leave it pretty much at that. You've given her the hint. If she asks more, tell her you *own* impressions.

I'd be so very tempted to

And I think I'd also start almost aggressively (not in manner, but in frequency) complimenting the little boy to his face and directly to the nanny. Before she gets a criticism in, "Oh, there's Joey, he's such a good little boy! You're such a cheerful  and well-behaved guy, Joey! Isn't he sweet, Nanny? He's always so self-controlled--never out of line or rowdy. What a good kid!" Be specific to your observations: "Look how you're standing next to your nanny, Joey. What a good listener." And maybe even specifically ask him to come with you away from her: "Joey, come with me to look at this pictures they drew--Nanny, can Joey come over here with me to look at them?"
     Start creating the words in the air that contradict her treatment of him.
    I think I'd make it an absolute campaign.

hobish

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2013, 03:29:25 PM »

As usual, I am the minority that cannot fathom how a nanny's tone of voice while talking to a well-behaved child who you see infrequently and under extremely narrow circumstances, but appears to be fed and otherwise cared for is any of your business. I would stay way way way out of it.

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MariaE

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2013, 04:10:33 PM »
I like Toots' suggestion.
 
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White Lotus

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #21 on: September 13, 2013, 04:22:31 PM »
I think I stand with Hobish, here.  I don't think you have enough data, and, given the situation, the teachers and aides are better able to observe and take action.
I do like the idea of making extra effort with the child, though, too.  That you can do.

Lexophile

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #22 on: September 13, 2013, 04:23:03 PM »

As usual, I am the minority that cannot fathom how a nanny's tone of voice while talking to a well-behaved child who you see infrequently and under extremely narrow circumstances, but appears to be fed and otherwise cared for is any of your business. I would stay way way way out of it.

I think this is worded a bit harshly, hobish. I'm not going and capriciously sticking my nose into someone else's business. I express my concern because I was otherwise well fed and cared for as a child, but my overbearing mother inflicted some pretty serious psychological damage on me by acting in the same manner as this woman is with someone else's kid.

Like I said in my original post, I don't know the family that well, and maybe the parents are perfectly satisfied with someone treating their children this way, but maybe not. I see on these boards all the time, if you see something, say something.
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim

hobish

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2013, 04:28:01 PM »

It really is not intended to be harsh; there is no personal judgement there. I just really don't think it's your business at all. I definitely don't agree that "If you see something, say something" even applies. It seems like a very 1984 world if the way a nanny talks to a kid falls under national security, which is what that campaign is all about.

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Tabby Uprising

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #24 on: September 13, 2013, 04:49:21 PM »
As a mom, I'd want to know.  Maybe this mom wouldn't.  Maybe she is aware of how the nanny interacts with her son and is fine with it. But I don't think it's out of line for either you or the teacher to communicate what you've witnessed. 

Thinking about my neighborhood moms group, one of the biggest topics of discussion is finding good babysitters and nannies.  Our most popular FB page is the babysitter/nanny referral list.  Moms love having access to babysitters who have recommendations from their friends in the neighborhood.  I wouldn't call any of these women paranoid - not by any means.  It's a big deal to put your kids in someone elses care, especially when you aren't there to see what's going on and certainly if your little ones are too small to communicate with you fully.  Most parents, just in my experience, are concerned about the care their children are getting from babysitters/nannies when the parent isn't around.  Again, not concerned in a paralyzing all-encompassing way, but it's present enough in their mind that they would be open to or understanding of someone coming forward with compliments or concerns. 

If someone witnessed exceptional or questionable behavior from a nanny and informed the parents about what they saw, so long as the message was packaged properly, I think the majority would be happy to have the insight. 

NyaChan

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #25 on: September 13, 2013, 06:13:06 PM »
I don't think this is something you should involve yourself in.  You have no idea of the context of their relationship just based on five minutes.  If I were a parent and some random person comes up to me and tells me they don't like my nanny who I've worked with and trusted for years, I'd be very put off.  You should also keep in mind that you could be unnecessarily maligning the woman's professional reputation based on interactions that you might not be interpreting correctly.  She may not be sweet as pie to the kids, may talk too much, and be overprotective, but she doesn't seem to be harming them. 

Reading your descriptions, I can see another way of interpreting things -

-she talks for the kids:  she's either a super talkative person who can't let others get a word in edgewise (which may be a bad personality trait but doesn't mean she is mistreating the kids) or she isn't comfortable with a strange adult having a personal conversation with the kids she is supposed to be safeguarding.  You may be a parent at that school, but it doesn't make you per se safe
-keeping the kid nearby: he may have a history of wandering and he is in a room with a bunch of strangers.  Maybe he takes things and won't give them up without a tantrum, maybe she doesn't want him to get settled in only to have to argue about leaving once the 5 minutes are up

*inviteseller

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #26 on: September 13, 2013, 06:19:22 PM »
I would definitely bring up this up with the teacher.  This is not a one off treatment of the child, this is every time OP sees them.  She doesn't let the little boy even look around the room, she speaks sharply to him all the time, and when someone tries to interact with him or sister while she is there, she interjects herself into it and doesn't allow them to speak.  Yeah, kid sounds terrified. I have a hellion too who acted like an angel in public, but she didn't act right because I barked at her, but because we discussed daily about public behavior.   You can tell the teacher the absolute truth of what you have witnessed (and only speak for yourself, not the other parents) without raking the nanny over the coals.  Just say that you noticed that she is severe in her speaking manner and doesn't allow the children away from her side or to speak to others and you are wondering if this is normal behavior for the family or is it something to be concerned about.  I would want to know if someone was treating my child like that.  Also, can you set up a play date for your child and the girl?  That way you can observe her behavior away from nanny.

kudeebee

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #27 on: September 14, 2013, 02:11:54 AM »
I am with the "stay out of it" side. Don't mention it to the parents or the teacher.

If you don't know the family, how they operate, how they discipline, if they are strict, etc, how can you judge if the nanny's behavior is right or wrong? It is hard to make a judgement from only seeing them a few minutes in the morning, in one environment.

Oh Joy

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #28 on: September 14, 2013, 08:51:07 AM »
I think there's a huge difference between interfering with parenting styles and giving an employer information, especially when the employee has mostly unobserved care of the employer's irreplaceable valuables.

I would mention the nanny's impatience to the mom.  Almost in passing, as an aside to a compliment about how beautifully well-behaved Rachel and Billy are at morning drop-off.  If she wants to know more, she'll ask.

I love our nanny, but I wish I knew more about what happens when we're not around.

heathert

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #29 on: September 14, 2013, 08:53:40 AM »
Would it be rude when the nanny answers about herself when the OP asks the kids a question that the OP replies with "That's nice," and then gets down to the kids level and say "And how about you?"

That would be my inclination, anyway.