Author Topic: Should I call mom or stay out of it? UPDATE #75!!  (Read 17925 times)

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Zizi-K

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #30 on: September 14, 2013, 10:39:51 AM »
To all of those saying "don't get involved," what exactly is the harm in mentioning something? It's not the OP has to go out guns blazing, there have been many suggestions about how to go about quietly raising a flag so that the parents are able to have that information and make a choice or not as the case may be. The rewards could be great - the nanny may actually be abusing the child, but the negative consequences are minimal. Maybe the parents will think the OP is a bit of a busybody. So what??

Jones

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #31 on: September 14, 2013, 12:24:33 PM »
As a mother who can't afford a nanny  ;), if I could, and someone was concerned with how the nanny was acting, I would want a heads-up so I could start to put together a pattern. Perhaps there's nothing hinky going on, perhaps there is. There's a national news story right now of a family who liked their nanny, but the dog didn't and after the parents were alerted to that fact they paid extra attention and discovered their nanny was abusing the child.

If, as the parent, after delicate investigation on my part, I determined the nanny was fine, I would not appreciate someone bringing her up again and again. However, once, in passing, in conversation? Perfect to alert a parent without being overbearing/nosey.

Sharnita

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #32 on: September 14, 2013, 12:37:07 PM »
To all of those saying "don't get involved," what exactly is the harm in mentioning something? It's not the OP has to go out guns blazing, there have been many suggestions about how to go about quietly raising a flag so that the parents are able to have that information and make a choice or not as the case may be. The rewards could be great - the nanny may actually be abusing the child, but the negative consequences are minimal. Maybe the parents will think the OP is a bit of a busybody. So what??

It casts a light of suspicion on somebody who is providing excellent care
or
It implies they have failed to adequately monitor the care provided to their child

I am a bit torn about whether OP should say anything but I think it is a bit unrealistic to think there is no down side to saying something, especially is the nanny has done nothing wrong.

TootsNYC

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #33 on: September 14, 2013, 01:19:15 PM »
Would it be rude when the nanny answers about herself when the OP asks the kids a question that the OP replies with "That's nice," and then gets down to the kids level and say "And how about you?"

That would be my inclination, anyway.

No, it would not.

It would also not be rude to say, "I'm sorry, I was talking to Joey. I'd like to hear his answer." Just use a pleasant tone.

To all of those saying "don't get involved," what exactly is the harm in mentioning something? It's not the OP has to go out guns blazing, there have been many suggestions about how to go about quietly raising a flag so that the parents are able to have that information and make a choice or not as the case may be. The rewards could be great - the nanny may actually be abusing the child, but the negative consequences are minimal. Maybe the parents will think the OP is a bit of a busybody. So what??

This is where I am on this. I think you can say, "she seems a little harsh with him."

But then, I'm a big fan of the "I'm on Team Parenting with you, and here's some information that you aren't in a position to have, so I thought I'd make sure you've got it in your database" approach. I think if you have that mindset, it's much easier to get the tone right.

bonyk

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #34 on: September 14, 2013, 01:32:18 PM »
If it were my kid I would want to know.  But I've met plenty of parents who would treat their own kids like that.

I think if I in your shoes, I would speak to the teacher.  I'd ask her if she had any idea what the parents' discipline style is like, and if she thinks they would want to know.  At this point, more likely than not, the teacher would take over and contact the parents for me.

EllenS

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #35 on: September 14, 2013, 02:43:58 PM »
To all of those saying "don't get involved," what exactly is the harm in mentioning something? It's not the OP has to go out guns blazing, there have been many suggestions about how to go about quietly raising a flag so that the parents are able to have that information and make a choice or not as the case may be. The rewards could be great - the nanny may actually be abusing the child, but the negative consequences are minimal. Maybe the parents will think the OP is a bit of a busybody. So what??

For myself, my concern was not that it would be wrong to say anything, but that a random comment from a stranger would not carry much weight if they have known/loved their nanny for several years.  I thought the teachers would have more credibility, or else by becoming friends the OP could earn credibility herself.

Petticoats

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #36 on: September 14, 2013, 04:16:07 PM »
I'm in the camp of bringing it up to the teacher. The nanny sounds like a bit of a bully from your description, or at the very least so insecure that she's running roughshod over her charge.


Allyson

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #37 on: September 14, 2013, 07:10:05 PM »
I had a babysitter who would act *totally* different when it was just me and her than when my parents were around, and I was too scared/young to say anything (nothing abusive, but she was religious and we weren't so would do things like make me pray before meals/bedtime which I didn't want to do!) So, there is a chance the parents actually have no idea.

On the other hand, you might just be seeing her in those 10 minutes of the day when she's super frustrated. Does Rachel seem to like her nanny?

Expatgal

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #38 on: September 15, 2013, 01:57:09 PM »
As a mother to a two year old who goes to daycare and has a nanny, I would much prefer to hear it from the teacher... I would be more inclined to be less defensive. I feel such guilt not to be a stay at home mom and then if someone (another mom approached me) and told me she thought my nanny was being too harsh - I would die a little inside. A teacher would be someone I would be much more responsive to (I'd still die a little)

Eden

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #39 on: September 15, 2013, 02:41:32 PM »
I say stay out. To me it's the equivalent of saying something to the parents and that would be out of line.

To me it's not a matter of what's the harm in saying something. It's what business of it is of the OP to say something? It doesn't affect the OP or OP's kids. I don't get the impression the OP really knows the parents. If OP did, then I might be more on board with them saying something. But as it is? I think it's way overstepping.

Sophia

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #40 on: September 15, 2013, 06:35:01 PM »
The OP's business is that she sees an innocent being harmed.  Not physically, but still being harmed. 
There is a chance that the parents are OK with Negative Nanny, which is the only reason to not directly intervene in the moment. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #41 on: September 15, 2013, 06:57:33 PM »
OP, I think you should speak to someone.  I like the idea of speaking to a teacher, if any of them are around to observe in the morning.  That way, as Expatgal says, the parents are less likely to get defensive.

I was just reading a story on Yahoo yesterday about a family dog that started reacting negatively to the nanny.  So the parents hid a recording device in the couch cushions and caught the nanny on tape, being very negative, borderline abusive, with their son.  They confronted her and she was fired.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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MariaE

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #42 on: September 16, 2013, 01:05:12 AM »
The OP's business is that she sees an innocent being harmed.  Not physically, but still being harmed. 
There is a chance that the parents are OK with Negative Nanny, which is the only reason to not directly intervene in the moment.

POD!
 
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Deetee

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #43 on: September 16, 2013, 01:43:57 AM »
I would bring it up. It would be awkward and a difficult conversation but you don't have a friendship to lose and I'm of the camp that constant berating of a child is worse than minor spanks. And twice today I sent my daughter weeping to her room with my words so I'm not a softy. But words and tone have meaning and if someone was constantly berating my child I would want to know.

A perfectly behaved child is not proof of good parenting. Sometimes it can just be a symptom of a terrorised child.

I might video tape it. Basically video tape your kid and get the many in the background. Let the parents decide. (If it was a parent, I would not interfere)
 

English1

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #44 on: September 16, 2013, 05:01:05 AM »
I would say something to the parents.

I had to use someone to collect my son from school, and really appreciated it when another parent warned me that this person was frequently late and my son was left hanging around for her.

Parents have to go a lot on trust when others are caring for their child. I would definitely want to know if something seemed 'off' to other parents.