Author Topic: Should I call mom or stay out of it? UPDATE #75!!  (Read 18199 times)

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cicero

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #45 on: September 16, 2013, 06:13:21 AM »
To all of those saying "don't get involved," what exactly is the harm in mentioning something? It's not the OP has to go out guns blazing, there have been many suggestions about how to go about quietly raising a flag so that the parents are able to have that information and make a choice or not as the case may be. The rewards could be great - the nanny may actually be abusing the child, but the negative consequences are minimal. Maybe the parents will think the OP is a bit of a busybody. So what??

It casts a light of suspicion on somebody who is providing excellent care
or
It implies they have failed to adequately monitor the care provided to their child

I am a bit torn about whether OP should say anything but I think it is a bit unrealistic to think there is no down side to saying something, especially is the nanny has done nothing wrong.
OR - it gives them information that they may not otherwise have. let's face it - all of us who have/had raised children, and had the children in school, day care, after school programs, nannies, baby sitters, etc - we can do spot/surpise checks, and we can ask our children questions, and we can teach our children about good and bad, and we can do everything we do as parents, but we cannot be there at all times. telling a parent "hey, i noticed something about your nanny/child's teacher/baby sitter, it may be nothing but i know that if it was me and my kid i would want to know". that isn't implying that they are being bad parents, it isn't even implying that he nanny is being a bad nanny - it is saying "here is some additional info that you may not have access to, do with it as you please".

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Lexophile

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #46 on: September 16, 2013, 10:24:29 AM »
Parent night is tomorrow night. I'm going to wait and see if the parents show up and guage the mood before I decide what to do. I had another encounter with the nanny last week where we were all talking about things our kids said. She was complaining about the kids being stubborn. When I made my contribution to the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said, "Well, thanks for one-upping the rest of us, here."

I simply turned around and started a conversation with someone else. I'm starting to think maybe this person is all a big act and she just likes being the center of attention. She does seem to add way more drama than necessary. That doesn't necessarily make a bad nanny, just a really, really annoying one.

So I might hang back and just make sure it's not just me disliking her.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #47 on: September 16, 2013, 10:36:06 AM »
...   She was complaining about the kids being stubborn. When I made my contribution to the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said, "Well, thanks for one-upping the rest of us, here."  ...

What was your contribution to the conversation?   Did you actually say something that might legitimately be interpreted as trying to 'one up' everyone else?  (I don't think for a moment that you'd do that, but I confess to being curious as to what prompted her remark.)

Eden

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #48 on: September 16, 2013, 11:13:12 AM »
The OP's business is that she sees an innocent being harmed.  Not physically, but still being harmed.

You wouldn't act on this if it were a parent acting this way. You don't have a stake in it just because it's not actually the parent.





Hillia

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #49 on: September 16, 2013, 11:19:20 AM »
The OP's business is that she sees an innocent being harmed.  Not physically, but still being harmed.

You wouldn't act on this if it were a parent acting this way. You don't have a stake in it just because it's not actually the parent.

If a parent is doing it, we can assume that this is the parent's style, and correctly stay out of it.  The nanny is the parents' employee, and the parents may or may not be aware of how she is treating the children.  They may be fine with it, or they may be horrified. The OP is giving the parents feedback on the nanny's performance, so they can either be thrilled that she's following their philosophy or outraged at what she's doing.

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Julsie

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #50 on: September 16, 2013, 02:40:36 PM »
So the parents hid a recording device in the couch cushions and caught the nanny on tape, being very negative, borderline abusive, with their son.  They confronted her and she was fired.

I'm afraid it wasn't borderline abusive.  She was hitting the baby and now she's in prison.

I'm shocked at how many people in this day and age take a "Stay out of it" approach to someone witnessing the recurrent harsh treatment of little children.  Those parents probably have no idea that their nanny is mean.

Lexophile

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #51 on: September 16, 2013, 02:46:50 PM »
...   She was complaining about the kids being stubborn. When I made my contribution to the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said, "Well, thanks for one-upping the rest of us, here."  ...

What was your contribution to the conversation?   Did you actually say something that might legitimately be interpreted as trying to 'one up' everyone else?  (I don't think for a moment that you'd do that, but I confess to being curious as to what prompted her remark.)

THey were all talking about things their kids had refused to do lately - as in "I'm never, ever wearing clothes!" or "I'm never ever growing up!" and I remarked that my DD had just said earlier in the day that she'd never, ever stop loving school. I thought it would put a positive spin on the conversation, but I guess not.
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim

AngelicGamer

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #52 on: September 16, 2013, 02:52:40 PM »
...   She was complaining about the kids being stubborn. When I made my contribution to the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said, "Well, thanks for one-upping the rest of us, here."  ...

What was your contribution to the conversation?   Did you actually say something that might legitimately be interpreted as trying to 'one up' everyone else?  (I don't think for a moment that you'd do that, but I confess to being curious as to what prompted her remark.)

THey were all talking about things their kids had refused to do lately - as in "I'm never, ever wearing clothes!" or "I'm never ever growing up!" and I remarked that my DD had just said earlier in the day that she'd never, ever stop loving school. I thought it would put a positive spin on the conversation, but I guess not.

Heh - I was that kid growing up.  I don't think it's one-upping anyone as you're just sharing things the kids have said.




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TootsNYC

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #53 on: September 16, 2013, 02:54:43 PM »
Well, she was really rude.

But I can see that it might come cross a little smug or braggy.

hobish

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #54 on: September 16, 2013, 04:16:40 PM »

Wait … so it was like…"My kid won't wear clothes!"
"My kid doesn’t want to grow up!"
"My kid won't stop loving school!"
Sorry, Lex, that sounds really bad. I can see why she was prickly with you. You weren't one-upping, and maybe you were trying to put a positive spin on things - I believe you; but it sounds like a humble-brag, and through your kid, no less. Ouchy.
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Rusty

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #55 on: September 16, 2013, 07:05:40 PM »

I  would err on the side of mentioning it to the mother.

My reasoning is because a few years back our next door neighbour, who has two lovely well behaved children, decided to hire a nanny so she could resume her career.

After a while I noticed her screaming at the children, (2 and 1) leaving them unattended in the yard for long periods and and I even found the 2yo in the street alone.  I took her back and found the nanny on the phone (obviously been talking for quite a while).  I noticed that when the parents returned she was all smiles and laughter and "I LOVE these kids".   

I was torn about what to do but, one day Lucy mentioned that the children didn't seem to be happy about being left with the nanny and she couldn't understand why.   So, I told her maybe she should set up a recording device for a couple of days as I had heard a lot of yelling at the kids.

The nanny was gone within 4 days.

Winterlight

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #56 on: September 16, 2013, 08:10:02 PM »
I'd talk to the teacher. If it was my kid and nanny, an out of the blue comment from someone who doesn't know me wouldn't go over well.
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kareng57

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #57 on: September 16, 2013, 11:46:04 PM »
So the parents hid a recording device in the couch cushions and caught the nanny on tape, being very negative, borderline abusive, with their son.  They confronted her and she was fired.

I'm afraid it wasn't borderline abusive.  She was hitting the baby and now she's in prison.

I'm shocked at how many people in this day and age take a "Stay out of it" approach to someone witnessing the recurrent harsh treatment of little children.  Those parents probably have no idea that their nanny is mean.


This is not helpful at all.  There is no evidence at all that the nanny in this case is physically abusive.

If there are suspicions I would leave that up to the teacher, not to the other parents/nannies during pick-up time.  I was much more strict than many other parents in the neighbourhood when my sons were below about age 10 - yet, when they were older I was less strict than many.  They had learned self-discipline.  Please understand, I am not saying that my sons or I were parenting-saints - far from it.  But I think, overall, everyone needs a lot more information before the OP confronts the parents.

Julsie

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #58 on: September 17, 2013, 06:42:16 AM »
I think it's ridiculous to wait until there is evidence that a child is being battered before making a casual comment to a parent that her nanny sometimes speaks harshly to that child.  I would want to know.

Believe me, I get being strict.  I've got seven children, ages nineteen to newborn and without discipline this place would be chaos.  Sometimes I even speak too harshly.  But I would expect that someone I hired to watch my children would be even more patient with them than I am.

LeeLieLow

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Re: Should I call mom or stay out of it?
« Reply #59 on: September 17, 2013, 07:34:13 AM »
I would like some teachers to post their opinions on this topic.  What would you do if a parent voiced this type of concern to you regarding a nanny?