Author Topic: "Are you okay?"  (Read 10077 times)

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Amanita

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"Are you okay?"
« on: September 13, 2013, 03:28:50 PM »
I have a friend who asks me "Are you okay?" constantly and it's driving me freaking NUTS.

We go over a speed bump and I make a soft grunt (because I HATE speedbumps and they're even worse when my neck is bothering me or I have a headache) and he asks every time "Are you okay?"
I'm not as fit as he is, and whenever I can't keep up with him climbing stairs, "Are you okay?"

Basically, any time I make the slightest noise (A barely audible grunt when shifting positions in a chair, stretching out a stiff body part, anything really), he's right on it, asking "Are you okay?" like he thinks I'm falling apart or something.
He does this way too often and it's gotten downright annoying. Like I said, it doesn't take much- the faintest grunt or even a less than happy facial expression will trigger the dreaded question.
How can I tell him to seriously dial back all these "Are you okays"?

WillyNilly

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 03:31:18 PM »
Have you tried just talking to him about it? Let him know that his constantly asking is really start to grate on your nerves and while you might be physically ok, when he asks the result is you are not emotionally ok any longer, you are now bothered.

fountainsoflettuce

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 03:44:13 PM »
My initial reaction to your post:  Is it possible you are making noise either louder or more often than you thought?  If he says it after every noise and he says it a lot...

But I do see how this can be annoying.  I would either ignore or respond with, "why do you ask?" although that may lead into subjects you don't care to discuss, i.e. health problems.

Yvaine

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2013, 03:49:20 PM »
My initial reaction to your post:  Is it possible you are making noise either louder or more often than you thought?  If he says it after every noise and he says it a lot...

This is a very good point. I started getting this a lot once, and I realized I'd picked up a habit of doing everything with exaggerated "Ooof"s and "Argh"s, and people who knew me really well knew it was kind of a joke, but new acquaintances had no idea and thought I was actually in pain all the time.

SamiHami

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2013, 03:52:49 PM »
"Oh, no need for you to keep asking if I am okay; if I'm not, I will let you know." Maybe if you say that in a friendly tone every time he asks he'll get the hint and stop it.

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Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2013, 03:53:56 PM »
I'm quite certain I'm not overly loud. Nobody else has said anything, and my mother definitely would if she thought I was overdoing it.

nyoprinces

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2013, 04:29:28 PM »
I think if I were in a car with someone, and they made an audible noise every time we went over a speed bump, I'd also ask if they were okay. Typically, the only reason someone would make a noise at all in that case is if they were in pain, and that would concern me enough to ask if they were okay. It doesn't sound like what he's doing is unusual.

Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2013, 05:13:45 PM »
Like I said, it's not very loud, and it's more annoyed than painful. I would get banned from this forum for using the words I'd like to, to describe how I feel about speedbumps. They're annoying, and when some part of me is already sore, they make it even worse. My friend is aware of this, he doesn't need to keep commenting.

SlitherHiss

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2013, 06:00:12 PM »
Like I said, it's not very loud, and it's more annoyed than painful. I would get banned from this forum for using the words I'd like to, to describe how I feel about speedbumps. They're annoying, and when some part of me is already sore, they make it even worse. My friend is aware of this, he doesn't need to keep commenting.

It could be that he knows you're annoyed by speed bumps, but doesn't make the connection of pained grunt = annoyed. Personally, although I definitely understand the speed bump annoyance, I would find your reaction odd, and if I had a passenger that grunted everytime we drove over one, but denied there was anything wrong (which is how I'd interpret "I'm okay"), I'd wonder if it wasn't some PA commentary on my driving. I might wonder, "Am I taking the speed bumps too fast?",  "Did I do something else to annoy her?" "She says it's fine, but she's still grunting...what am I doing wrong?"

Is the grunting voluntary? If so, I'd recommend you try to stop. If it isn't, you might tell your driver friend "I'm sorry, Bob, they're involuntary. I really am okay. It's sweet that you keep asking, but I promise you don't need to keep checking in."

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2013, 06:07:22 PM »
if I had a passenger that grunted everytime we drove over one, but denied there was anything wrong (which is how I'd interpret "I'm okay"), I'd wonder if it wasn't some PA commentary on my driving. I might wonder, "Am I taking the speed bumps too fast?",  "Did I do something else to annoy her?" "She says it's fine, but she's still grunting...what am I doing wrong?"


Correct me if I"m wrong, but I take it that for whatever reason, you are sore/stiff, your neck bothers you, or you have a headache...pretty frequently?  If this is just part of your ordinary life and something you deal with, maybe a routine acknowledgement like, "just that old neck" or "meh, the usual," would be more reassuring to him than "I'm okay."  Some of us deal with chronic pain/discomfort and those who don't, have trouble understanding the difference between "that hurt, what else is new?" and "Something is Wrong."  Being "okay" with frequent/recurring pain is an alien concept to the fortunate ones who don't have it.
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menley

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2013, 06:27:37 PM »
Like I said, it's not very loud, and it's more annoyed than painful. I would get banned from this forum for using the words I'd like to, to describe how I feel about speedbumps. They're annoying, and when some part of me is already sore, they make it even worse. My friend is aware of this, he doesn't need to keep commenting.

It could be that he knows you're annoyed by speed bumps, but doesn't make the connection of pained grunt = annoyed. Personally, although I definitely understand the speed bump annoyance, I would find your reaction odd, and if I had a passenger that grunted everytime we drove over one, but denied there was anything wrong (which is how I'd interpret "I'm okay"), I'd wonder if it wasn't some PA commentary on my driving. I might wonder, "Am I taking the speed bumps too fast?",  "Did I do something else to annoy her?" "She says it's fine, but she's still grunting...what am I doing wrong?"

Is the grunting voluntary? If so, I'd recommend you try to stop. If it isn't, you might tell your driver friend "I'm sorry, Bob, they're involuntary. I really am okay. It's sweet that you keep asking, but I promise you don't need to keep checking in."

I agree with this. It would honestly drive me nuts if someone made an "oof" noise every.single.time. we went over a speed bump but denied anything was wrong. Not just because hearing the noise over and over would be a little irritating, but because I would be going crazy wondering what was going on. To constantly make a noise when nothing is wrong is... well... confusing? :)

Goosey

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2013, 06:46:42 PM »
Are you grunting in annoyance? Why should he stop commenting on it? I think the onus is on you to stop "vague-grunting". Like us, he can't tell if you're in pain or if you're annoyed. And he would not assume the reason for your annoyance.

I think the answer here is like others said - explain the source of your discomfort and/or stop verbalizing your annoyance. 

SlitherHiss

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2013, 06:50:16 PM »
if I had a passenger that grunted everytime we drove over one, but denied there was anything wrong (which is how I'd interpret "I'm okay"), I'd wonder if it wasn't some PA commentary on my driving. I might wonder, "Am I taking the speed bumps too fast?",  "Did I do something else to annoy her?" "She says it's fine, but she's still grunting...what am I doing wrong?"


Correct me if I"m wrong, but I take it that for whatever reason, you are sore/stiff, your neck bothers you, or you have a headache...pretty frequently?  If this is just part of your ordinary life and something you deal with, maybe a routine acknowledgement like, "just that old neck" or "meh, the usual," would be more reassuring to him than "I'm okay."  Some of us deal with chronic pain/discomfort and those who don't, have trouble understanding the difference between "that hurt, what else is new?" and "Something is Wrong."  Being "okay" with frequent/recurring pain is an alien concept to the fortunate ones who don't have it.

That's a very wise point, EllenS. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and it honestly shocks me when I have a pain-free day. Still, if I'm grunting or groaning or making "unwell noises", I think it's only reasonable that someone would wonder if I was okay. I find it helps if I explain "My back is acting up, but I'm totally fine doing this."

m2kbug

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2013, 06:50:41 PM »
If you're exhibiting pain or difficulty, people are going to ask and make sure you're fine.  I wonder if your body language suggests something worse or your verbal grunts and moans are causing people concerns and you need to tone it down.  You could also just explain you have joint pains that give you trouble, but you're fine, you'll let them know if you're having a hard enough time you need some help.  If a passenger grunted and moaned every time I hit a bump in the road, I'd be asking. 

nyoprinces

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2013, 06:50:58 PM »
Are you grunting in annoyance? Why should he stop commenting on it? I think the onus is on you to stop "vague-grunting". Like us, he can't tell if you're in pain or if you're annoyed. And he would not assume the reason for your annoyance.

I think the answer here is like others said - explain the source of your discomfort and/or stop verbalizing your annoyance.

I agree. It isn't in his power, in any way, to make the speedbumps disappear, no matter how annoyed you are by them. It is in your power not to make your annoyance audible, and therefore head off your annoyance at him asking if you're okay. It's possible he's trying to let you know in an indirect way that your noises are annoying to him, i.e., if you are okay, you wouldn't be making annoyed/pained noises.