Author Topic: "Are you okay?"  (Read 9937 times)

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perpetua

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2013, 08:02:43 PM »
I'm afraid I agree with the others; this constant vocalisation of annoyance would wind me up to heaven and back. There's just no need for it and I think it's something you should probably try to keep in check.  I don't think you can call him on it; your best option is to stop doing it. I would find it very irritating.

An ex of mine used to do this all the time and it gave the constant impression that he was in a mood with me. It's not pleasant to be on the other end of something like this, even if it isn't aimed at you specifically.

ETA: You say it's 'barely audible', but this probably isn't the case if he's hearing it every time and calling you on it. It's very probable that it's more obvious to other people than you think it is.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2013, 08:04:51 PM by perpetua »

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2013, 08:52:00 PM »
I find it helps if I explain "My back is acting up, but I'm totally fine doing this."

This, exactly.  I totally get why it is annoying to be treated as if you're an invalid, or likely to shatter, when you are just coping with "the usual" and trying to get on your day.  But maybe a little more communication could render this a non-issue.

jaxsue

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2013, 12:05:17 PM »
OP, you may not realize how often you make those noises in response to things like speed bumps (believe me, no one likes them!), etc. My mom and sister both have a habit that drives me nuts: if there is anything that happens in traffic, big or small, they both do a quick, loud inhale. It may sound small, but they've done this my entire life! Trust me, it gets quite old. I have yet to say anything, but after 50 yrs, I probably will (you can't say I'm not patient!)  :)
I'd also wonder about someone's health if they made noises like you do. If I knew there was a medical issue, I wouldn't ask, but if I didn't know I'd certainly be curious. You're probably developed this habit, and while you consider it normal, obviously your friend does not.

Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2013, 02:17:01 PM »
I don't do it every single time I go over a speedbump. I shouldn't have mentioned that, as people seem to be getting hung up on that particular thing, to the point of derailment. I repeat- I DON'T do it every single time. It's only happened a couple of times.

The thing is, he does it all the freaking time. Can't take stairs as fast as he can, or get winded because I don't get to work out as much? He KNOWS I am not in shape like he is, but he constantly asks. Every time I slow down or fall behind on the stairs, or get the slightest bit winded, he asks.
If he sees an expression other than happy or neutral, he asks.
It seems that just about anything provokes THAT QUESTION, and it's getting a little annoying.

Sharnita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2013, 02:23:32 PM »
I don't know where everybody else lives but around here speedbumps aren't so common that OP would be doing it "constantly" even if she did do it for every speed bump. I imagine that tone might make a difference, too. He could ask in a tone of genuine concern, one of confusion or one that was kind of superior and snarky.

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #20 on: September 14, 2013, 02:28:13 PM »
I can only think of 2 polite ways to change this pattern: 1) bring it up to him and discuss directly (you seem to ask me this a lot - why? Do you think I am broken?; or 2) pick a stock answer, like "yes, I"m fine, why do you ask?"   and lather, rinse, repeat.  Perhaps he will get as annoyed hearing the answer as you are hearing the question.  It kind of sounds from here that he is genuinely concerned and just doesn't understand.

Personally, I lean towards #1.

Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #21 on: September 14, 2013, 02:29:57 PM »
I don't know where everybody else lives but around here speedbumps aren't so common that OP would be doing it "constantly" even if she did do it for every speed bump. I imagine that tone might make a difference, too. He could ask in a tone of genuine concern, one of confusion or one that was kind of superior and snarky.

Yeah, the darn things aren't horribly common here. There's one shopping area that LOVES the things though, so driving through there is seriously annoying.

Luci

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #22 on: September 14, 2013, 03:39:57 PM »
I think it is sweet that he a bit concerned. If he can put up with your noises, you should put up with his caring.

I get really annoyed at those who grunt, groan, gasp, and sigh at what seems to me to be every little thing, and I am sure they are not conscious of it or think they are almost inaudible.

I don't know how to address that he is anxious when you can't keep up because of fitness. I guess just remind him gently to be patient, please, but try to not make those noises when climbing those stairs and hills.

jaxsue

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #23 on: September 14, 2013, 03:42:10 PM »
I don't know where everybody else lives but around here speedbumps aren't so common that OP would be doing it "constantly" even if she did do it for every speed bump. I imagine that tone might make a difference, too. He could ask in a tone of genuine concern, one of confusion or one that was kind of superior and snarky.

Yeah, the darn things aren't horribly common here. There's one shopping area that LOVES the things though, so driving through there is seriously annoying.

They are common where I live.

Sharnita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #24 on: September 14, 2013, 03:43:48 PM »
I think it is sweet that he a bit concerned. If he can put up with your noises, you should put up with his caring.

I get really annoyed at those who grunt, groan, gasp, and sigh at what seems to me to be every little thing, and I am sure they are not conscious of it or think they are almost inaudible.

I don't know how to address that he is anxious when you can't keep up because of fitness. I guess just remind him gently to be patient, please, but try to not make those noises when climbing those stairs and hills.

I am not sure the tone is "concerned".

LeveeWoman

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #25 on: September 14, 2013, 03:44:38 PM »
I don't do it every single time I go over a speedbump. I shouldn't have mentioned that, as people seem to be getting hung up on that particular thing, to the point of derailment. I repeat- I DON'T do it every single time. It's only happened a couple of times.

The thing is, he does it all the freaking time. Can't take stairs as fast as he can, or get winded because I don't get to work out as much? He KNOWS I am not in shape like he is, but he constantly asks. Every time I slow down or fall behind on the stairs, or get the slightest bit winded, he asks.
If he sees an expression other than happy or neutral, he asks.
It seems that just about anything provokes THAT QUESTION, and it's getting a little annoying.

Why not tell him what you've told us?

m2kbug

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #26 on: September 14, 2013, 04:01:20 PM »
Tell him to slow down.  There are people in my life that can't move as fast for whatever reason, and you just slow down.   Of course you're going to ask if they're okay, especially if it appears they're in distress.  It sounds like you spend a lot of time with this person, I think you can just set down a blanket statement, "My back acts up on me sometimes, I just can't move as fast as you, I'll let you know if I need help.  Try to ignore it if I let out a grunt or a moan."  Your friend will probably still ask if you're okay, but maybe you can lessen the frequency. 

If you're exhibiting pain behavior, people are going to express concern. I really don't see how to completely avoid this.

Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #27 on: September 14, 2013, 04:06:05 PM »
I think it is sweet that he a bit concerned. If he can put up with your noises, you should put up with his caring.

I get really annoyed at those who grunt, groan, gasp, and sigh at what seems to me to be every little thing, and I am sure they are not conscious of it or think they are almost inaudible.

I don't know how to address that he is anxious when you can't keep up because of fitness. I guess just remind him gently to be patient, please, but try to not make those noises when climbing those stairs and hills.

I've said this before, I DO NOT make noise all the time. You're making me out to be some kind of constantly huffing and puffing drama queen, and I assure you that is not the case. Even my falling behind him on the stairs provokes it, even my getting winded provokes it, even if I'm completely silent.
He KNOWS I am nowhere near as fit as I am. Perhaps he thinks of me as some sort of delicate flower.
Somebody taking into account that I am not as fit as they are and understanding that is one thing. Constantly carrying on like I'm made of glass and about to shatter, or acting like they think I'm forever on the verge of a heart attack gets old real fast.

Luci

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #28 on: September 14, 2013, 04:25:28 PM »
I think it is sweet that he a bit concerned. If he can put up with your noises, you should put up with his caring.

I get really annoyed at those who grunt, groan, gasp, and sigh at what seems to me to be every little thing, and I am sure they are not conscious of it or think they are almost inaudible.

 I don't know how to address that he is anxious when you can't keep up because of fitness. I guess just remind him gently to be patient, please, but try to not make those noises when climbing those stairs and hills.

I've said this before, I DO NOT make noise all the time. You're making me out to be some kind of constantly huffing and puffing drama queen, and I assure you that is not the case. Even my falling behind him on the stairs provokes it, even my getting winded provokes it, even if I'm completely silent.
He KNOWS I am nowhere near as fit as I am. Perhaps he thinks of me as some sort of delicate flower.
Somebody taking into account that I am not as fit as they are and understanding that is one thing. Constantly carrying on like I'm made of glass and about to shatter, or acting like they think I'm forever on the verge of a heart attack gets old real fast.

Please reread the bolded.

I'm sorry you feel I am portraying you as that. Really, I'm not, and I do understand both your points of the experience.

I meant my whole post sincerely with advice that you ask for. I am very, very sorry if you feel offended. I am just asking you to remind him and you both need to be patient with each other. And I stand by my last sentence.

I think it is sweet that he a bit concerned. If he can put up with your noises, you should put up with his caring.

I am not sure the tone is "concerned".


Neither am I, but I always assume the best of people, and I guess she wouldn't have put up with it this long if he were a total grump....or maybe not.

TootsNYC

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #29 on: September 14, 2013, 04:26:13 PM »
I can only think of 2 polite ways to change this pattern: 1) bring it up to him and discuss directly (you seem to ask me this a lot - why? Do you think I am broken?; or 2) pick a stock answer, like "yes, I"m fine, why do you ask?"   and lather, rinse, repeat.  Perhaps he will get as annoyed hearing the answer as you are hearing the question.  It kind of sounds from here that he is genuinely concerned and just doesn't understand.

Personally, I lean towards #1.


Or, #3--just TELL him. "You ask this a lot, and I'm assuming you mean to be considerate, or that you're worried about me a little bit. But I have to tell you--it feels awful on my end. Please stop doing--because it makes me incredibly anxious. And somehow it feels that I'm not good enough--I know it's not logical, but that's how it feels on the receiving end. Please stop.
   I'm sorry if you have to wait for me a bit, but the best way is to simply make ordinary conversation.
   If I'm -not- alright, I'll tell you.