Author Topic: "Are you okay?"  (Read 7952 times)

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Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #60 on: September 18, 2013, 04:22:18 AM »
Maybe it's a passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't like the grumbling- he could be taking the grunting as a complaint about his driving and not a complaint about the existance of speed bumps. Honestly, someone complaining about a normal part of the road every time might get to me too.

I've said it already- I don't do it all the time.

You do it often enough that *you* are annoyed by his response. So that's often enough for *him* to be annoyed at your grunting (if indeed he is--he might not be; he might just think he should be solicitous, since you're clearly uncomfortable).

It goes

I really shouldn't have mentioned the speedbumps, that specific incidence has only happened a couple of times, but it's completely dominating the discussion, when in reality it's only a tiny part of the problem.

I also get the "what's wrong", whenevera frown crosses my face for whatever reason, however brief, or my default facial expression at the moment isn't happy.

My friend is kind of odd about some things- he asks "Are you okay?" so much that I wonder if he thinks I'm made of glass. Yet sometimes when he upsets me emotionally, all that concern goes right out the window. Recently he snarked at me "Google is a great resource" when I asked about a computer issue I was having, snarky tone and all. When I told him that I really didn't care for the snark, he told me that he didn't mean it like that, and that if I took offense, it was my problem.

iridaceae

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #61 on: September 18, 2013, 06:46:05 AM »
Sit down and just talk to the guy. I honestly don't understand why this is an etiquette issue; this is something 2 friends ought to be able to talk about over pizza and a soda without any "how do I handle this?" worrying.

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #62 on: September 18, 2013, 04:21:48 PM »
Honestly, I am trying to figure out why you spend so much time with this person.  He's beginning to sound like a jerk, and pretty insecure and manipulative.  That may be your annoyance coming through, but if he annoys you that much, perhaps it's time to weigh the positives of the friendship and see if it's worth sticking with.

If he really is a good friend and worth working it out/getting past this, then absolutely a frank talk is in order.  But if you are just wanting to step back and not be so involved, you can do that too.

gollymolly2

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #63 on: September 19, 2013, 04:10:20 PM »
Honestly, I am trying to figure out why you spend so much time with this person.  He's beginning to sound like a jerk, and pretty insecure and manipulative.  That may be your annoyance coming through, but if he annoys you that much, perhaps it's time to weigh the positives of the friendship and see if it's worth sticking with.

If he really is a good friend and worth working it out/getting past this, then absolutely a frank talk is in order.  But if you are just wanting to step back and not be so involved, you can do that too.

How does he sound like an insecure, manipulative jerk?  I don't see how it's unreasonable to check on whether a friend is okay when she makes unhappy expressions (frowns), makes pained expressions (grunts on speedbumps), or seems to be struggling (lags behind, out of breath). It actually seems like a nice thing to do.

OP, I agree with iridaceae. He's your friend. Tell him you know he's trying to be nice, but it's bugging you, so would be please stop.

Sharnita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #64 on: September 19, 2013, 04:49:37 PM »
I have to say that I am surprised he doesn't sdjust his pace on the stairs so he can walk with his friend instead of leaving her behind.

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #65 on: September 19, 2013, 05:07:44 PM »

I also get the "what's wrong", whenevera frown crosses my face for whatever reason, however brief, or my default facial expression at the moment isn't happy.

My friend is kind of odd about some things- he asks "Are you okay?" so much that I wonder if he thinks I'm made of glass. Yet sometimes when he upsets me emotionally, all that concern goes right out the window. Recently he snarked at me "Google is a great resource" when I asked about a computer issue I was having, snarky tone and all. When I told him that I really didn't care for the snark, he told me that he didn't mean it like that, and that if I took offense, it was my problem.

gollymolly, that is what sounds jerk-ish and insecure to me. It's one thing to ask after someone who is expressing distress visually or audibly.  It's quite another to constantly monitor their facial expression and comment if they are not actively smiling.  Coupled with a rejection/dismissal of her actual problems/feelings/requests for help, that would not be someone I would want to spend a lot of time with.

As I said, this may be colored by OP's annoyance with Friend.  He may be a great guy, but he appears to be annoying HER a lot.  In that case I think how much time she's investing with someone who annoys her is worth evaluating.

Amanita

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #66 on: September 19, 2013, 05:39:50 PM »
The thing is- my friend is military, and tact isn't something they seem to encourage. Harsh bluntness seems to be the order of the day. He spends a lot of time getting talked to like that, and dealing with people who he has to push to get them to do their jobs. I think he forgets that not everyone operates that way, or forgets to turn the "at work" switch off sometimes.

As for my fitness, I suspect he thinks it's my fault for not getting to the gym more often.

EllenS

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #67 on: September 19, 2013, 06:53:57 PM »
There is no etiquette requirement to spend time with people whose company you don't enjoy.

There are lots of very wonderful people of good character, upstanding citizens and pillars of the community, that I simply don't enjoy being around, for one reason or another.  So I limit my time with them, in favor of people who I do enjoy.

Luci45

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #68 on: September 19, 2013, 10:14:14 PM »
We were on an a volunteer mission for 2 1/2 days to demolish a couple of rooms in a large facility to prepare the space for a homeless shelter. Our ages are 42, 68, 70, and 76, and we are all very, very fit for our ages. By the way, there is no swearing or whining in this particular group.

I'll bet that someone said, "Are you okay?" about every 3 minutes. When we dropped something, stumbled, almost stepped on a nail, tried to lift debris that was heavier than we expected, got a drop of sweat in the eye, cough from the plaster dust, even had trouble getting a glove off so we could get a sip of coffee or water, there was an unconscious "oof", "woops", "oo", "uh-oh" from the 'victim'. No one really needed help or got hurt, so it was always, "Fine, thanks," but I had to laugh because of this thread.

The job got done, we are all pleased, no one is worse than tired (and pleased with a job well-done), so all is well.

So I am even more convinced that the gasps are nearly unconscious, and the polite "are you okay?" is similarly unconscious but well-meant.

TootsNYC

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #69 on: September 19, 2013, 10:17:02 PM »
I have to say that I am surprised he doesn't sdjust his pace on the stairs so he can walk with his friend instead of leaving her behind.

I find it physically much more difficult to travel up stairs at my slower friend's pace. So I wait at the time. Quietly and patiently.

LeveeWoman

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #70 on: September 19, 2013, 10:30:01 PM »
We were on an a volunteer mission for 2 1/2 days to demolish a couple of rooms in a large facility to prepare the space for a homeless shelter. Our ages are 42, 68, 70, and 76, and we are all very, very fit for our ages. By the way, there is no swearing or whining in this particular group.

I'll bet that someone said, "Are you okay?" about every 3 minutes. When we dropped something, stumbled, almost stepped on a nail, tried to lift debris that was heavier than we expected, got a drop of sweat in the eye, cough from the plaster dust, even had trouble getting a glove off so we could get a sip of coffee or water, there was an unconscious "oof", "woops", "oo", "uh-oh" from the 'victim'. No one really needed help or got hurt, so it was always, "Fine, thanks," but I had to laugh because of this thread.

The job got done, we are all pleased, no one is worse than tired (and pleased with a job well-done), so all is well.

So I am even more convinced that the gasps are nearly unconscious, and the polite "are you okay?" is similarly unconscious but well-meant.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think your experience with that short-term project is applicable to Amanita's situation.

LeveeWoman

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #71 on: September 19, 2013, 10:37:05 PM »
The thing is- my friend is military, and tact isn't something they seem to encourage. Harsh bluntness seems to be the order of the day. He spends a lot of time getting talked to like that, and dealing with people who he has to push to get them to do their jobs. I think he forgets that not everyone operates that way, or forgets to turn the "at work" switch off sometimes.

As for my fitness, I suspect he thinks it's my fault for not getting to the gym more often.

I'd be blunt with him.

I'd tell him that I'm his friend.

I'd tell him that I'm not in the military.

I'd tell him that I do not report to  him.

I'd tell him that he needs to pull his head out of his *ahem* command and learn how to treat civilians differently than how he treats his siblings-in-arms.

It's time for you to step up and grab the bull by his stripes, Amanita. You have the power, and it's time you use it.

Luci45

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #72 on: September 20, 2013, 12:00:40 AM »
We were on an a volunteer mission for 2 1/2 days ...

I'll bet that someone said, "Are you okay?" about every 3 minutes. When we dropped something, stumbled, almost stepped on a nail, tried to lift debris that was heavier than we expected, got a drop of sweat in the eye, cough from the plaster dust, even had trouble getting a glove off so we could get a sip of coffee or water, there was an unconscious "oof", "woops", "oo", "uh-oh" from the 'victim'. No one really needed help or got hurt, so it was always, "Fine, thanks," but I had to laugh because of this thread. ...

So I am even more convinced that the gasps are nearly unconscious, and the polite "are you okay?" is similarly unconscious but well-meant.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think your experience with that short-term project is applicable to Amanita's situation.

Well, I really think it is, because we work together a couple of times a year, and my point is that this thread made me more aware of how easy it is to say, "Are you okay." I wanted to point out that in many interactions this happens.

Lucas and I are both part of the team, and I'm noticing how often we do it with each other.
As with my earlier post, I reiterate that is is just normal thoughtfulness and please don't be annoyed.

If she is annoyed, I'm sorry and the OP has my sympathy.

gellchom

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #73 on: September 20, 2013, 01:20:59 PM »
I don't disagree that she should probably just simply discuss this with her friend.

But she should be prepared for the possibility that his answer will reveal that he is responding to what he considers an excessive amount of "oofing" on her part and that when he asks "Are you okay?" he's really thinking, "What are you kvetching about NOW?!"

gramma dishes

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Re: "Are you okay?"
« Reply #74 on: September 20, 2013, 02:33:07 PM »
Recently he snarked at me "Google is a great resource" when I asked about a computer issue I was having, snarky tone and all.

Interpretation:  "I don't know the answer to your question and I really, REALLY don't want to admit that!"