Kitchen Sink Etiquette

[Jones]

My disposal has all it can handle taking the bits of food rinsed off dirty plates...even then it sometimes goes out and needs emergency surgery. I also remember, growing up, my mom lighting into Dad for putting garbage in the sink...so, in my mind, biggish garbage goes into the can, which is removed at least once a day; small stuff stuck on a plate can rinse off and go down the disposal.

Now if only DH can remember to dump his cereal bowl full of sunflower seed leftovers into the garbage instead of next to the sink to be dumped by me/whoever is doing the dishes that day, we'll be doing great.

[camlan]

Well, what we don't know is who left the dishes in the sink.

From the OP, it sounded like there were a few dishes in the sink, not a whole sink full of dishes. Or one pot that was in the sink soaking.

In that case, it seems a bit churlish not to push the dish or pot aside and run the apple core through the disposal.

And it seems odd to leave an apple core out where it will attract fruit flies or other insects.

I'd say the husband has choices--he can toss the core in the trash can, he can move things to use the disposal. What he shouldn't be doing is the one thing that bothers his wife.

[EllenS]

I know that this is not at all etiquette approved but when I first moved in with my boyfriend it used to drive me mad that every time he finished the toilet roll, he'd just leave the empty cardboard insert sitting there instead of putting it in the bin.  I was constantly asking him to put them in the bin, then I escalated to just walking out of the bathroom and handing them to him whenever I found them.  This didn't work so every time I found an empty one that he'd left sitting there I'd put them in his pillow case or his shoe or sometimes popped them into the hood of whatever he was wearing.   All of a sudden the problem disappeared, weeks went by and there wasn't a single empty toilet roll insert left lying around.  I was so happy.  Then one night I went to bed expecting my head to sink into a lovely soft warm pillow, only to find that my pillow case had been entirely filled with all the toilet roll inserts he'd been hoarding for the last few weeks as revenge!

Anyway, he always puts them in the bin now and I would imagine if you did this with dirty apple cores then the message would be received a lot faster (though would end up quite disgusting if your husband has my boyfriends tast for revenge!)  Like I said, it's absolutely not correct ettiquette but it's what I would do!

Actually, I wonder if to the OP's friends husband, the dirty dishes sitting in the sink and blocking access to the garbage disposal are actually the cardboard rolls in your story, and his leaving the apple cores next to them in the sink are his way of putting them on her pillow.

They're not her cores!

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

[Arila]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

[LeveeWoman]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

There's no evidence of that at all.

[Arila]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

There's no evidence of that at all.

If I leave dishes in the sink, it certainly annoys my husband. I don't think it's much of a leap.

[LeveeWoman]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

There's no evidence of that at all.

If I leave dishes in the sink, it certainly annoys my husband. I don't think it's much of a leap.

Are his arms broken? If not, what's to stop him from washing them or loading them into the dishwasher? Even if it's a home in which there is a taditional division of labor,  the non-homemaker could occasionally  pitch in.

[SlitherHiss]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

There's no evidence of that at all.

If I leave dishes in the sink, it certainly annoys my husband. I don't think it's much of a leap.

I'm responsible for doing dishes in my household, and I take care of them promptly after the meal. However, if someone eats something during the day when I'm not home, there will be dishes in the sink until I do the dishes after dinner. If we have made lasagna for dinner and the pan needs to soak for an hour or so, the dinner dishes will get done but there will be a cassarole dish in the sink until I wash it later that evening. That's life, and if my husband had a problem with it, I'd expect him to either wash whatever's in the sink or you know, talk to me instead of being a PA little twit about it.

[daen]

<snip>

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

I would be more inclined to agree with the bolded statement if it read "she may be doing things that annoy him just as much as he's doing things that annoy her."
To me, the change in wording makes all the difference - it's simply that he finds certain of her habits annoying, as she does certain of his, instead of each of them deliberately doing things that they know will irritate the other.

I will now step down from my semantic hobby-horse and let the thread get back on track.

[Arila]

<snip>

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

I would be more inclined to agree with the bolded statement if it read "she may be doing things that annoy him just as much as he's doing things that annoy her."
To me, the change in wording makes all the difference - it's simply that he finds certain of her habits annoying, as she does certain of his, instead of each of them deliberately doing things that they know will irritate the other.

I will now step down from my semantic hobby-horse and let the thread get back on track.

I see the difference and agree that your wording is actually closer to the meaning that I was aiming for. Thanks!

[Poppea]

I think in this analogy, it's flipped and the dirty dishes are supposed to = the toilet rolls. 

Yes, That's what I meant...

Anyway, I went back to the OP because I wanted to make sure that I hadn't gotten things mixed up. It doesn't seem to be explicitly stated, but the quoted & bolded part below makes me think that it's either Marissa's job to do the dishes, or she is at least in some way responsible for the access to the disposal being blocked.

But, when the sink has stray dishes in it waiting to go into the dishwasher or even in Marissa is soaking a pan, he will leave the apple core in the sink for Marissa to take care of later.

The issue doesn't seem to be that he's not holding up his end in the kitchen, or it would be all about Why doesn't he load the dishwasher or wash the pan himself, it's that when the dishes aren't being kept up with/blocking the sink, he puts the apple core "in line" for M to deal with.

So, that's where I'm coming from when I say that I don't think anyone's "right" in this situation, and she may be doing things to annoy him just as much as he's doing things to annoy her. Very much like the TP roll situation I had quoted. (though the pillow case full of the ones he'd been squirreling away for weeks was F-U-N-N-Y!) Taking sides and declaring that one or the other of them is "right" isn't the main issue here, a helpful, loving friend would suggest that the couple communicate to each other better.

There's no evidence of that at all.

If I leave dishes in the sink, it certainly annoys my husband. I don't think it's much of a leap.

I'm responsible for doing dishes in my household, and I take care of them promptly after the meal. However, if someone eats something during the day when I'm not home, there will be dishes in the sink until I do the dishes after dinner. If we have made lasagna for dinner and the pan needs to soak for an hour or so, the dinner dishes will get done but there will be a cassarole dish in the sink until I wash it later that evening. That's life, and if my husband had a problem with it, I'd expect him to either wash whatever's in the sink or you know, talk to me instead of being a PA little twit about it.

In this case there was a casserole soaking.  Marissa said it had happened at other times when the dishwasher was full of clean dishes and her DH had not unloaded it (Her jobs- cooking and loading dishwasher, his job - unloading dishwasher).

[TootsNYC]

It may be not that he's annoyed that a pan is soaking there but simply that it is blocking his access to the disposal and he's lazy.

[Audrey Quest]

Importance of not leaving his garbage for someone else  >  importance of using a garbage disposal to get rid of that garbage

Apples can go into the disposal but they don't have to.  If there was no other way for him to get rid of is apple cores then he might have a leg to stand on here.  But, he has other options like the garbage can or compost that have no scapegoats like dishes in a sink.

[EllenS]

I'm going to go back to, this is really more of a relationship issue.  If standing on ceremony about whose "job" it is to get things done around the house is keeping them from communicating effectively and enjoying life together, then maybe their relationship would benefit from a more flexible attitude and focus on "What needs to get done? What can I do right now to make my spouse's life better"?

When cleaning the kitchen turns into a Mexican standoff over who left what in the sink, and why, somebody in the house has some growing up to do.

[Audrey Quest]

Even if keeping the sink clear is her sole resonsibility, how would that ever translate into "take care of my garbage."

I think when the best defense one can offer is that one's own mother does not mind, then that person has already lost the argument.