Author Topic: Timing a Dumping  (Read 13177 times)

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Sneezy

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Timing a Dumping
« on: September 16, 2013, 07:22:36 PM »
My boyfriend is traveling for work right now. I can reach him in an emergency, but doing so is disruptive to both him and his coworkers. On his way home, they are planning to drop him off in my city so he and I can hang out for my birthday next week and then fly home.  He lives in the same state, but a few hours away.

However, him being gone has given me time to think and I've decided I no longer want to pursue this relationship. He's not abusive or a bad person, but I'm just not wanting to continue this any longer.

So, I see I have two options here. One, use the emergency contact line and dump him that way so he doesn't end up coming here. Pros - gets it done faster and I don't have to play nice on my birthday. Cons - This would be disruptive to him at work and his coworker who has the emergency phone. He'll have to pay the change fee on his flight from here to home, but on the plus side he would have the rest of the ticket value available to him for future travel.

The other option is to pretend like everything is fine this visit, make a nice week of it for us both, and then dump him about a week after he goes home.  Pros - I don't have to disrupt anyone. Cons - could be rude/duplicitous to do this.

Having him come here, get dumped, and having an awkward week and/or paying an airline change fee just seems rude.

What is the polite thing to do here?
« Last Edit: September 16, 2013, 07:42:10 PM by Sneezy »

JenJay

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2013, 07:29:09 PM »
Would it be possible to tell a small lie that you're sick or called into work then have the breakup chat with him when he's home and has privacy?

MrTango

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2013, 07:32:44 PM »
The polite thing, IMO, is to do the "dumping" in a way that avoids embarrassing him in public.

With that said, if I were in your position, I'd tell him as soon as I made the decision.  That gives him the maximum amount of time to rearrange his travel plans.

Sneezy

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2013, 07:34:45 PM »
Do you think that dumping is at the same level as an emergency goes, as far as being worthy of interrupting him at work goes?

shhh its me

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2013, 07:40:40 PM »
  Ok so a group of people is working together with only one phone and no internet access for a week? 

I think I may wait till he arrives , it just sounds like that is an EMERGENCY phone, as in someone is dying.  Also if he is doing something stressful/dangerous its IMHO it not appropriate to tell him until its done.  There is also the factor that you will be telling all his co workers its an emergency and then they wont be dropping him off, I think that would be close to breaking up with him in front of all of them.

I don't think you have t pretend the whole week but I lend  away from using a "shared" emergency phone.  I wouldn't normally recommend it but if he has access to email I would use that in this case.

Petticoats

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2013, 08:35:03 PM »
Would it be possible to tell a small lie that you're sick or called into work then have the breakup chat with him when he's home and has privacy?

I like this--contact him to call off the plan to see each other for your birthday, with a reasonable pretext, so that you don't have the discomfort of the dumping on the birthday visit but can give him some privacy for the dumping to follow a little later.

blarg314

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2013, 08:47:18 PM »
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.

AnnaJ

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2013, 09:44:20 PM »
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.

I go with the bolded.  If the emergency phone is exactly that - for major emergencies - then it would frighten me to get a call on that line, in the seconds/minutes it took for me to get to the phone I would think of every single person close to me that may have been injured/fallen ill/died. 

OTOH, if your boyfriend has said that it's OK to call him to pass on information, then I'd go with the first option of directing him to his home then breaking the news.

cicero

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2013, 03:02:09 AM »
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.
i would go with this in this order.

Unless the phone is an actual emergency phone - i.e., using it for *this* call might jeopardize their future safety. If it's just "the only phone but it's OK to use it in a pinch" then i would do so.

breaking up with him "in front of others", which is essentially what you are doing, is not the best way to do things, especially when - as you say - this isn't a *bad* relationship and he didn't really do anything inappropriate to you. But under the circumstances that you have, i think it's the least worst option. so if you could get him "alone" for a few minutes while he is there, do it then. If not, and you have to have the call "in front of others" then that is better (IMHO ) then having him come all the way to your place to celebrate your birthday...

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BarensMom

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2013, 11:30:50 AM »
OP, could you send him an e-mail or a letter?  Something along the lines of "We need to talk before you make travel plans - please call me when you get this."

I hate "Dear John" letters with a passion (received one once myself), but the above would be a heads-up and give him the chance to get to a private phone.  Then you can tell him.

I wouldn't waste the guy's time by having him fly into your town, only to dump him and make him do the "walk (flight, ride) of shame" home.

shhh its me

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2013, 11:48:27 AM »
 OP could you fedex him a  letter? 

The emergency phone which he is not in possession of is the only way to make contact?

that's sort of were I'm having trouble, I can't think of two many jobs were only one single  phone would be the only means of communication for a period of days.   I mean a long haul truck driver who is outside of cell phone range may only be able to contact dispatch but phones and internet would still be available at fuel stops, right? and someone has a phone so its not that?  He's traveling but not staying at hotels , hotels have phones you could call the next hotel and leave a message.   If he is staying at hotels but you just don't know which one I think you can call the office to leave a message at his next stop "call such and such re plans for Sept 23rd"   

If he was an undercover cop no you don't call the emergency phone to break up with him.

It really depends what situation created this one phone being the only means of contact. 

Teenyweeny

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2013, 11:56:45 AM »
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).

I would call him, honestly. It's not a great option, but I think it's the best of a bad bunch. If he comes to you, and you dump him, that's just awkward (and expensive). You pretending for a whole visit won't work.

If you can convincingly put off the visit and then dump him when he'll be more freely available, then that is probably the absolute best option, but I know I couldn't pull that off. I'm the world's worst liar, and he would know something was up, so it would be kinder to just tell him.



Twik

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2013, 12:06:05 PM »
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).


I would so want to read a novel where the spy hero skulking in the mad scientist's compound, only to get a call on his special communicator -"Darling, I think we should see other people".
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Judah

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2013, 12:08:52 PM »
OP, could you send him an e-mail or a letter?  Something along the lines of "We need to talk before you make travel plans - please call me when you get this."

I hate "Dear John" letters with a passion (received one once myself), but the above would be a heads-up and give him the chance to get to a private phone.  Then you can tell him.

I wouldn't waste the guy's time by having him fly into your town, only to dump him and make him do the "walk (flight, ride) of shame" home.

This makes the most sense to me. Having him come for the visit and faking happiness would be too dishonest for me to be able to pull off and, in his shoes, I'd be feel pretty used. 
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shhh its me

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2013, 12:14:29 PM »
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).

I would call him, honestly. It's not a great option, but I think it's the best of a bad bunch. If he comes to you, and you dump him, that's just awkward (and expensive). You pretending for a whole visit won't work.

If you can convincingly put off the visit and then dump him when he'll be more freely available, then that is probably the absolute best option, but I know I couldn't pull that off. I'm the world's worst liar, and he would know something was up, so it would be kinder to just tell him.

I don't think he is flying to OP , it sounds like he is getting a ride for co workers on their way home.  If it would cost him a more to come to you first rather then go home I would try harder to contact him. If he was planed to get a ride he needs to fly home anyway  so it might not cost him more to find out later.

and lol I thought of those jobs.  I think the logistics matter because if OP can leave a non emergency message that can be delivery before he makes the journey to her home I think that's the way to go.  So if its an offshore rig when he gets to shore, desert research project call when they are back in cell phone range.  Calling the rig to dump him I don't think is appropriate.  IF he is out of range of all contact then he can't make  travel arrangements until he is "back on the grid" anyway.  Surely he will be in range before he arrives at OP's door?