Author Topic: Timing a Dumping  (Read 13241 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2013, 01:36:37 PM »
I think you need to make every reasonable effort (so emergency contact no, but a few hours in advance of hi getting to you, or a letter, etc, ok) to get in touch with him in advance.

if you absolutely cannot, I think you should break up with him sooner rather then later - stringing someone along is not ok. It would be for your benefit not his, as it would be straight out lying to him to pretend to go along with things. If he incurs a cost to change his flight home to earlier, I think the decent thing to do is to offer him all the money to cover it, and insist on at least splitting it if he refuses your offer to cover it all. After all he was willing to cover the costs of visiting you (the original cost of flying home) the least you can do is cover the costs of breaking up (the fee to change tickets).

Hmmmmm

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2013, 01:50:22 PM »
How long have the two of you been dating?

Sneezy

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2013, 09:59:44 PM »
We've been going out for a little over a year and I've known him for a little over two years. As far as the job goes, he's in performing arts. His group only has one phone between them right now and he doesn't get any privacy while on travel. A situation came up a week ago where I did need to reach him (someone found his phone and contacted me to see where to return it) and he got rather snippy when I contacted him, assuming that I was going to complain that he hadn't been in touch and spending about ten minutes in a defensive rant on how busy he is and how he has no privacy. I have traveled for a performing arts thing myself, so I get that. What did I say to cause that rant? "Hey, I know you're busy, but what address did you want me to have the guy who found your phone send it to?" Incidentally, I had the guy mail his phone to his home address. If he wanted it on the road or sent to a neighbor, I didn't get a chance to find out.

That was the final straw. We have fun together and I love him very much, but he can't get past the fact that I am not his ex. I do not freak out over stupid things. I do, however, have no patience with someone telling me that they don't have time to talk followed by a long defensive rant followed by fit about time wasted listening to me when I couldn't finish a single sentence. Last time this happened (this happens at least every couple of weeks), I told him that I was not going to bring this up again and just quietly end things rather than have either of us deal with drama. I'm very sad this has to end, but I'm not an emotional punching bag for when he feels guilty about something that has nothing to do with me.

I don't do birthday presents, so at least he won't be out money for that. I think what I'll do the dumping in person in private after they drop him off and then give him his ticket home. If he weren't coming here, he'd be driving home with one of the others from the drop off point about three hours to the east of me (he lives four ours to the north of me).  At least he'll probably even get home faster this way. If they end up hanging out in my city long enough to stop for lunch, I'll go with meeting him briefly in person and tell a little white lie to cancel and let him go back to the drop off point with the rest.

Thanks, everyone, for your input. I don't want to hurt him any more than strictly necessary.

Delia DeLyons

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2013, 10:16:25 PM »
It probably says something about my choice in guys, but I have never had a clean break... It has taken me several attempts to break off reeelayshunships in the past... Often over months.  I could totally see, if I were in your shoes, even if I did call ahead to the emergency line to tell him 'it's over don't come', that the guy would then be HELL BENT on coming to change my mind.  (Not because 'oh it is such misery to even think of parting with Delia D.!', but rather reflective of the emotional/needy guys I've dated - le sigh). 

OP - go with whatever option feels right to you, but if you choose one that ends up with him at your door, have a friend inside - may help forestall a big scene, having someone else there.

And good luck! Best wishes.

ETA This is reflective of my immature brain, but breaking up is not what I first thought this thread was about - and I opened it anyways.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2013, 10:22:10 PM by Delia DeLyons »
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wolfie

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2013, 10:26:51 PM »
Every time I see this thread either above or below "issues with the ladies room" I have to giggle.

Delia DeLyons

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2013, 10:29:15 PM »
Yup Wolfie :) I didn't know it was in the dating folder, just followed in from Unread Posts... Thought might be a very informative spinoff thread, ha!
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Sneezy

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2013, 10:31:44 PM »
The thread title does suggest something quite different that you'd expect in see the work subforum.  ;D  One day I really need to post my experience with such a situation in the Gross Out thread.

Perhaps I should dump him in the ladies' room. At least that will give him a funny "got dumped near the dumper" story to tell his friends.

Arila

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #22 on: September 17, 2013, 10:49:09 PM »
Hey Sneezy, I was reserving my response until you answered some of the questions about the emergency-ness of the emergency phone, and the length of the relationship, but it seems like you have already made up your mind...

For what it's worth, I totally agree that you are making the right decision about dumping him in person, which was the suggestion I was going to make in most circumstances.

LDRs are tough, especially to end, because the face-to-face time is usually quite a lot longer than a dumping speech needs to take. Hope it goes well -- or at least as well as can be expected.

Sneezy

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #23 on: September 17, 2013, 11:02:44 PM »
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #24 on: September 17, 2013, 11:34:36 PM »
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.

Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"

aussie_chick

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2013, 03:42:07 AM »


Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"
[/quote]

POD to this!

I agree with in person if you can manage it and also providing everything is safe - it seems from what you've said it will be.
Having been on the receiving end of quite a bit of dumping over the years (serial dater over here!) there is no easy, no perfect way to do it I don't think. Sure some people might have those *hug* and we'll always be friends conversations and have it actually be true - i've not seen too many of those.

But since you know it won't be perfect, maintaining as much of your own dignity and self respect as possible is good. In person, with honesty, without any JADEing, in private and sticking to your guns.

I liked your idea of having a ticket ready. It saves you from a situation where he might suggest staying to try and resolve things or to have one last experience etc etc. Have it ready, you can talk and then call him a cab or drop him off at the airport or train station or wherever. Wish him all the best and wave goodbye.

Best of luck with the situation.

Petticoats

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #26 on: September 18, 2013, 03:49:09 PM »
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.

Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"

No kidding. When I read your update, Sneezy, my compassion for him dropped substantially. That's cruddy behavior on his part. I admire you for having the perception to see that it's probably not about you, but still, sheesh. He's dug his own grave, relationshippily speaking.

Lynn2000

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #27 on: September 18, 2013, 06:06:37 PM »
Tough situation, OP. You've gotten some good advice and it seems like you've made up your mind.

Wanted to share a story. My friend had her first serious boyfriend several years ago (in college) and it was a long-distance relationship also, as in, one of them had to take a plane to see the other. She was head over heels. Anyway, it happened that we were flying to a work conference in the same state where he lived. So, she flew to his city and stayed with him for a few days, then flew to the conference city (big state), and then after the conference, flew back up to see him again before flying home. In other words, she stayed with him for several days, went to the conference for a week, then stayed with him for several more days, then came home.

On her second trip to see him (after the conference), he dumped her. :(

And, when he started a new relationship rather quickly thereafter, he and the new girl dated the start of their relationship from before he officially broke up with my friend.  >:( Actually, I think it was even before the pre-conference trip. Which, in many worlds, we call cheating.

So it seems to me like he had made up his mind to dump my friend and started dating someone else, but decided to let her come out to visit him, go to the conference, come back to visit him, and then he finally told her. These were all domestic flights, btw, so while it might have been expensive for her to change them it would not have been impossible, no visa issues, etc..

I'm sure he felt like he was in awkward situation, with her already having made plans to visit him twice after he decided to break up with her in favor of someone else, but I've always thought he handled it badly. Considering the infidelity aspect, he couldn't even claim that he just decided/solidified his decision during the time she was at the conference.
~Lynn2000

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #28 on: September 18, 2013, 11:26:00 PM »
Lynn2000 - that must have been tough for your poor friend! And how tacky of her ex and his new gf to go around stating that their relationship started BEFORE his old one finished!

Lynn2000

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #29 on: September 19, 2013, 10:24:04 AM »
Lynn2000 - that must have been tough for your poor friend! And how tacky of her ex and his new gf to go around stating that their relationship started BEFORE his old one finished!

Tacky to say the least! Didn't mean to derail the thread, but the OP's situation reminded me so strongly of this. Given the limited communication available to the OP (and the fact that when she used it once her BF got mad at her), I think she made the right choice. It is really tough when plans are in place already, especially if you're not good at thinking logistics through (like me), but I think in the long run it's better to be upfront about a decision like this.

Just imagine if someone thought, "Well, I'll just go through the birthday celebration, send him home, then break up with him a couple days later." Maybe at first that seems "easier" all around because the logistic plans don't have to change; but think how the guy is going to feel later--he's going to realize the break-up decision had likely already been made before the celebration, and he's just going to feel like he was made a fool of and lied to. And although this guy doesn't really sound so great, I'm sure the OP wouldn't want to have his (legit) complaints on her conscience.
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