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Author Topic: Timing a Dumping  (Read 29362 times)

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #45 on: October 10, 2013, 08:03:36 PM »

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you.

That's a very good point. Kind of depressing, but realistic. You tried to put off a visit, and his response was to come anyways, ignoring all your requests. You tried to dump him, and his response was to say that he didn't want to break up, then refused to leave and insisted on having the weekend as planned, and to promised to change.

Given that you were originally planning to break up with him in large part because of his habit of reacting to things based solely on his point of view, and refusing to listen/consider yours, and that the result of you trying to cancel a get-together and break up with him was him getting everything he wanted and you getting nothing, I wouldn't have high hopes for anything changing, except for the fact that he now knows that he can manipulate beautifully.

From an etiquette point of view - if, after consideration on you own, you decide "what the $#@$# just happened" and want to go ahead with the breakup, I would say that given the situation it's perfectly acceptable to *email* him, say that you've thought things over without him standing there arguing, and you've decided that you are breaking up now - he can get counselling if he wants, but the relationship is over. You can even block email responses if you want to, or hang up if he calls.

Once someone has demonstrated that they are willing to railroad/manipulate their partner into staying with them, and won't listen to or comply with requests like "don't visit me", they drop out of the "should break up in person" category of consideration, and breaking up with them remotely and cutting off contact abruptly becomes an acceptably polite option, when it wasn't in the first place.


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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #46 on: October 11, 2013, 07:21:54 PM »
I really enjoy spending time with him and wasn't looking forward to being alone on my birthday, so I wasn't too upset about the way things turned out. However, we will not see one another until a shrink has seen him three times and he understands that I am open to seeing other people in the meantime.  I'll be darned if I'm going to sit around waiting for him to realize that other people exist, no matter how much I enjoy his company.  If he doesn't get around to it, then that will effectively end things.


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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #47 on: October 11, 2013, 10:27:32 PM »
Good for you. I'm glad you're not going to put up with more flakiness from him. :)


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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #48 on: October 12, 2013, 02:14:43 PM »
No offense intended, truly, but I think you're being very naive. How will you know he's been to a counselor three times---on his say so?

When a person has already shown that they have a hard time empathizing with another's perspective, it's a very very short step to totally minimizing your "requirement" that he go to a counselor. "She's fussing over something, so I'll placate her by verbally going along with it, but of course I don't have to actually DO anything----the problem is her, not me, anyway."

I hope I'm wrong, but I think he'll *tell* you he went to counseling and hope to continue the status quo.


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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #49 on: October 12, 2013, 03:47:09 PM »
I think that's a great update! He heard you, understood and respected what you had to say, and has decided he'd like to address the issues rather than lose you. If he follows through, awesome, and if he doesn't then you end it drama-free.


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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #50 on: October 20, 2013, 04:01:48 AM »
Hmm, I guess I'm confused, but maybe you are, too, OP. ??? You said, "Don't come here, go on home," and he came anyway. You said, "This isn't going to be a good visit, you should go home," and he stayed anyway. He got news while on the trip that a relative died, but that didn't lead to him alter his travel plans either. He also called and woke you up (presumably at a time when it was reasonable that you were asleep) and tried to have a meaningful conversation with you when you were groggy, and, it seems, blames that grogginess for why he didn't "understand" that he shouldn't come visit you. Even though you told him that clearly before.

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you. If he actually does go to a counselor maybe he will indeed learn about different communication styles and improve. However, it might also happen that he'll have reasons why he never gets around to the counselor, or their advice might not sink in. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think you have to be prepared for bad outcomes and decide how you're going to deal with it, what your hard limit will be. Because you were pretty confident about your hard limit before, and he managed to talk you out of it. Which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing--people are allowed to change their mind, and these situations can be very nuanced--but just keep this in mind for the future. It's easy to fall into a pattern of "just one more chance" when really a clean break would be best.
maybe i'm just old and jaded but that's my take on it as well.

OP - i understand you have hopes this may work out. and I truly hope that things do work out! but - based on this^^ - it still sounds lke he isn't hearing you. and for a manipulative person, three visits to a therapist doesn't really mean anything when basic intake can take one or more sessions.

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #51 on: October 20, 2013, 05:27:19 AM »
This guy is still communicating with his ex.  He may be talking to you, but he's still communicating with her.  He should have dealt with that baggage before getting into another relationship, not still be carrying it around after dating you for a year.  He is not listening to you at all - that's not a communication issue, that's complete disregard for you.  Like Lynn said below, he ignored you three times when you told him to not come/go home.  You're excusing his bad behavior with "It's just what he's used to/just how he is."  That falls into the category of "character flaw" for me - is this a character flaw you can live with in a boyfriend?

And POD to the other posters who have said that just three sessions with a counselor is unlikely to have an impact.  Massive personal changes, like altering your communication style, will take more than just a few sessions.  I would honestly expect any counseling sessions he went to right now to deal with his feelings over the recent loss of his mother - that they were semi-estranged may mean that he has feelings of guilt over not being closer, or the reason for the estrangement, to deal with as well as grief.

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Re: Timing a Dumping
« Reply #52 on: October 27, 2013, 09:03:16 AM »
Just out of interest, why did you pick 3 visits?  Any real change in behaviour can take years (or certainly months).

He could easily go 3 times, not get anything out of the sessions and then tell you 'see, I've done what you asked, everything is fine now'.

Like PPs, I'm worried about the fact that he completely ignored every request you made - is this usual for your relationship?  It strikes me as very manipulative.

Also, what are you going to require as proof of the sessions?  Can you take his word for it, even if he thinks you are being ridiculous?  After all, he has already demonstrated he will ignore you if he thinks that is the case.