Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Who is expected to help?

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English1:
Hi

Just a discussion idea really, sorry if this is not in the right area. All the threads on people helping/not helping their hosts made me think about this.
In a lot of cases it seems that only women are expected to help/asked to help, or actually just get up and offer to help, and the men just sit around.
Do you agree with this? does it annoy you? How does it work in your family? With your friends?

I have to hold my hands up sometimes in the past to having just sat on my butt when all the other women were working, because the men were not doing anything, and I don't agree with men being waited on by women. I don't do it now, as it's not fair on the other women, but it still makes me grind my teeth something chronic!

New man's mother keeps roping me in to help out with cooking when I'm there, the kitchen is her her thing and her husband never cooks, but it just annoys me the whole women in kitchen men sitting in front of TV attitude. Although new man does come and do stuff anyway, and he does loads of cooking, so thankfully the attitude hasn't rubbed off on him. She's lovely but just one of these old-fashioned wait on men hand and foot types (lol, yeah, right).

In my family on the whole men and women all jump up to do stuff, apart from one brother in law who's never lifted a blasted finger! We are all banned from one brother's kitchen (even his wife) as it's strictly his domain. But friends - funnily enough as mostly they are younger than me and my family, it seems to have gone back to the bad old days more and the women do most of it (which I really don't get, these people are only in their 30s!). Is it just the 80s 'feminist' generation aged 40-50ish who get everyone pulling their weight and older and younger ones don't?

Discuss  ;D

lady_disdain:
In my father's family, everyone helps. There maybe some gender division of work but I think it is mainly based on the guys staying out of the way of several matriarch figures! So someone is in charge of the cooler and drinks, someone else oversees the dishes, the 3 engineers battle it out to raise the garden tents, etc.

In my mother's family, the ratio is about 5:1. No, not because of feminism but because the only men are my uncle Nasty (who fortunately holes up somewhere until it is time for him to sneak a plate of food away) and my father, who does help. The 5 women all help.

Yvaine:
In my family, we mostly have women helping, for the same reason as lady_disdain--there are just more women period. My parents had 5 girls and we have a lot of single mothers in the family. It will probably be different in 20 years--the "kid" generation is majority male.

In my BF's family, he does most of the kitchen work because he's the best cook, I help him because I kinda like him ;) , and his sister and nieces conveniently vanish into thin air when they realize something needs to be cleaned!  ;D

In my ex's family, there was definitely the women helping/men sitting dynamic, and there were also weird and shifting expectations of how much a girlfriend was supposed to pitch in, as in sometimes I was in trouble if I helped and other times I was in trouble if I didn't help. I don't miss it.

siamesecat2965:
I can't really speak for my family, as its small. Really just mom and me. And when was dad was still with us, the three of us. But I know for my parents, my dad loved to cook, gladly did it all, and mom cleaned up. They both preferred it that way, so it worked for them.

When I'd visit or come for holidays, I helped both of htem. sometimes wiht cooking, and also cleaning up.

As for holidays, my mom and I generally don't have a lot of company, and if we do, they are guests, even if family, so she and I generally do the clean up. since there aren't more than 4 or 5 total, its not a huge deal.

GlitterIsMyDrug:
My grandma boots us all out of the kitchen. Male, female, she's cooking the meal and you're to stay out of her way. But grandpa handles the greeting, getting drinks, ect. part of hosting. So pretty neatly divided. In less it's grilling, then it's reversed. Cause I love her, but grandma would wander away from the grill and burn the whole neighborhood down.

I was raised with, everyone helps. It gets the job done faster and everyone can play to their streghths.

Some of my friends are more old fashioned, lady in the kitchen, man holding down the couch (sometimes they float away ya know), but most just go with whomever is better at cooking/hosting/ect leads the way.

I'm in a lesbian relationship. So in my house, all the women help because the only guys here are my dogs and while adorable they are terrible at cleaning up. When guy friends come over though they'll usually offer to pitch in, or help out where they can. One guy, one time, when I asked if he'd mind helping me with something in prepping to food said "Oh, that's women's work" so I said "Oh, I guess it's only women's food then too?", he helped after that.

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