Who is expected to help?

[miranova]

"Jacob, would you take these cloth napkins to the laundry? Phillip would you rinse the plates before we put them in the dishwasher?" I doubt if anyone would say no.

You haven't met my ex-husband, his father, or his brother.  They would and did say no.  They said they were busy visiting.

[weeblewobble]

At family gatherings when I was a kid, the girls and women worked in the kitchen while the men relaxed and the boys played. I found that so frustrating. I think my grandmother enjoyed enforcing the traditional roles (she actually seemed to take pleasure in saying 'this is what you girls should be doing').

Yeah, I think some women enforce the system because 1) they feel confused and threatened by the change in gender roles and 2) they don't feel it's fair that men are helping out more now when they had to do all of the housework when they were younger. 

[mumma to KMC]

Growing up, on my mother's side of the family, us kids were sent off to play, the menfolk helped clear the table, then set up for after dinner activities (card playing or what not), and the women did the dishes. Things went pretty quickly as I come from a large family.

We didn't do big family dinners on my dad's side, but I do know that when we went to visit, the grandkids did the dishes.

At home, my sister and I did the dishes every single night for at least 8 years, having the "I'm rinsing" argument at least three times a week.

My husband and I share the kitchen chores and are teaching the kids to do them as well. I make dinner most nights, but on nights I can't do it (ie new baby, morning sickness, afternoon activity) he has no problems with making dinner, and rather likes to. (He taught me to cook, he's good at it.) When we have company, I don't want them in the kitchen, I want them to relax. DH and I make most things ahead of time and just have dishes to wash after they leave. 

Dinners at my parent's house are so seldom now, and usually in the summer when we visit, so it's burgers on the grill with paper plates, very little clean up.

Dinner with the IL's I have no idea who does the cleaning. I don't, because I can't make heads or tails of my mil's kitchen, it's pretty cluttered, so I don't even try. (Then again, I try very hard to eat there, for that very reason.)

[Hmmmmm]

I thought about this thread this weekend. I attended a birthday luncheon my cousin hosted. About 26 women spread amongst 3 tables in 3 different rooms. My cousin has lived out of the country and out of state for the last 15 years so we are not overly close but get along well. Her co-hostesses was her sister and her sister's 2 20's DD's.

Lunch was served buffet. When everyone at my table was finsihed, I got up and took my plate and my aunts plate into the kitchen and one of the DD's brought in the rest. I rinsed my plate and the one I brought and then started rinsing the others being brought by the DD. The cousin who's house we were in arrived in the kitchen and I wondered if she'd say something like "oh, don't do that, we've got it" based on the number of people who said they do not like guests helping out. Instead she said "Thanks, here's an apron so you don't get your dress dirty. Gosh I forgot how nice your legs are." And she went on to assist with the rest of the table clearing and serving dessert and coffee.

[z_squared82]

In my family, who helps varies by who is attending. If it’s my parents, me, and my brother’s family, my brother (the chef) helps Mom with the cooking and my sister-in-law usually jumps up to help Mom clean up*. Sometimes Mom will ask me to help, too, leaving Dad and bro to talk/entertain my niece.

If it’s a bigger family to do at my parent’s house, everybody helps by bringing food (Mom will occasionally kick people out of the kitchen so she can move around). Mom washes dishes and the aunts jump in to dry, unless, of course, a cousin has been commandeered. I was so proud last Easter when I was washing dishes and a little cousin came to tattle to me about my niece, so another cousin and her brand new boyfriend stepped in and finished the dishes. Uncles are commandeered to handle trash duties or get small children out from underfoot.

When we had events at the grandparents’ house (Mom’s parents) before they died, Grandma would start doing the dishes, one of her children (five of whom are men) would kick her out and then commandeer two or three cousins to dry.

So, basically, at bigger functions, it has less to do with gender and more to do with generation.

*My mother refuses to acknowledge that she and I get along better when we live in different time zones, while my sister-in-law adores Mom. I’ve met my SIL’s mother, and I’m not at all surprised by her “worshipping (my mom) at the altar of motherhood.” (My SIL is hilarious when she’s had a few glasses of wine.) I’m just glad Mom finally has a daughter who appreciates her. 

[English1]

Op here - I set BIL-who-never-lifts-a-finger to work the other day. He looked surprised but did it ok, with a few nudges on what exactly TO do. 

My parents had a bit of a health crisis and needed someone with them to help out at all times for a few days. Me and my OH turned up to relieve BIL of his turn 'on duty'. My sister wanted him to return to their home to do something, (she wasn't there) but he hung around anyway, much to sis's frustration. I knew perfectly well he was hanging around knowing we'd be cooking dinner and if he went home he'd have to sort himself out. Anyway, I got busy in kitchen, OH made a round of tea and came to cook with me (without being asked), BIL sat on sofa. I went in and told BIL to lay the table. He stopped after clearing stuff of table and getting place mats out. Prompted him to fetch plates, he did, then stopped. Prompted him to fetch glasses and cutlery, and he did.

Sis says he never does ANYTHING at home and she was a fool to let him get away with it for so many years, he just is incapable of it now, and she's dead jealous of my lovely new(ish) OH who just naturally pitches in. She thinks it's too late to change their ways...I say it's never too late.

[LeveeWoman]

Op here - I set BIL-who-never-lifts-a-finger to work the other day. He looked surprised but did it ok, with a few nudges on what exactly TO do. 

My parents had a bit of a health crisis and needed someone with them to help out at all times for a few days. Me and my OH turned up to relieve BIL of his turn 'on duty'. My sister wanted him to return to their home to do something, (she wasn't there) but he hung around anyway, much to sis's frustration. I knew perfectly well he was hanging around knowing we'd be cooking dinner and if he went home he'd have to sort himself out. Anyway, I got busy in kitchen, OH made a round of tea and came to cook with me (without being asked), BIL sat on sofa. I went in and told BIL to lay the table. He stopped after clearing stuff of table and getting place mats out. Prompted him to fetch plates, he did, then stopped. Prompted him to fetch glasses and cutlery, and he did.

Sis says he never does ANYTHING at home and she was a fool to let him get away with it for so many years, he just is incapable of it now, and she's dead jealous of my lovely new(ish) OH who just naturally pitches in. She thinks it's too late to change their ways...I say it's never too late.

As long as she enables him and continues to think of his as an old dog, he won't change.