Childrens parties, infidelity and breakups - UPDATE P4 post 53

[Fer]

DS is turning one soon, and DH & I will be throwing a small party for him.  (Really just an excuse for family and close friends to get together for a BBQ and marvel at how big he's grown!)

Unfortunately the timing of the party has coincided with the seperation of my SiL/BiL and the revelation that SiL has been having an affair with one of DH's friends.  All parties involved have already been invited to DS's birthday.

As far as I'm concerned this does not affect my relationship with any of the involved people - up unil now, we've all been very close.  But for the sake of family harmony (and to keep the majority of the focus of the day on DS, the birthday boy, not SiL/Friend), I want to ask Friend not to come.  Heck, at this point, I want to cancel the party and have a picnic with just us and DS's grandparents!

(If the party goes ahead with everyone attending, I foresee arguments, tears, and a whole lot of heartache.)

I know it's dreadfully rude to revoke an invitation.  Therefore under these circumstances, what would ehell advise?

[gramma dishes]

Oh wow.  That is ... uncomfortable!  What a mess.

I think I'd almost be inclined at this point to cancel the 'big' party, rescind the invitations and tell the partiers that you've changed your minds due to unforeseen circumstances and you've decided to keep this very first birthday party just the birthday boy, the two of you and maybe the grandparents.

Couldn't your BIL and SIL have waited just a month or two to break up??  How rude to not consider your child's first birthday!   

[esposita]

Think of it as canceling, rather than revoking invitations. I think it would be a great kindness of you, because even if everyone did act like grown-ups, people will be struggling with heartache. It might also be kinder to your son (and yourself) if you cancel and then have a much smaller party. when you look back at the pictures, your son's day will be what you remember, not what that person and that person had just said, or that this picture was taken just before that awkward moment. Hugs!

[checkitnice]

That's a tough one.  Is SIL your DH's sister?  If it were me, I would just leave the invitations as they are and assume that everyone invited will work it out amongst themselves.

[Nikko-chan]

I agree with everyone else. Cancel the big party and have just a small one with birthday boy, you, dh, and the grands.

[Sharnita]

I think I would double check with friend to assure he had the wisdom and good tadte not to atyend. Frankly, I'd encourage SIL to choose an alternate day to have an outing with DS. It isn't like the birthday boy really undetstands or will miss the people not attending. Their presence means more to the adults - and in this case it means strife.

[*inviteseller]

If anyone should be uninvited, it should be the friend, not birthday boys aunt.  But while you got rid of the 3rd part of this marriage collapse, you still have coming the couple who are at major odds with each other.  Can adults put aside their personal feeling for a day to celebrate someone they love?  Sure, but the question is will these two do it?  I personally would cancel the whole shebang and just plan a fun outing with the grandparents.  Your DS will not know whether he is having a party or not (older DD slept through her huge family party, younger DD only wanted to play with grass during her large family party).  There is too many what ifs involved with this party, that unfortunately you and you DH & DS could get caught in through no fault of your own. 

[BarensMom]

Too much trouble, too much drama - cancel the party.  Then go do something else as a nuclear family.

[sammycat]

If anyone should be uninvited, it should be the friend, not birthday boys aunt.   

I think they should both be uninvited (even if SIL is DH's sister, not SIL), as they're both 50% responsible for this mess.

But to answer the OP's question, if you don't mind scaling it back to just you and the grandparents then it may be the less stressful solution at the moment. If DS was older I'd probably think differently as why should an innocent 3rd party (birthday person) miss out on a celebration because of other people's bad choices/behaviour, but at one year old he isn't going to notice the scale of the celebration.

Alternatively, cancel the current party and rebook it for a different day and invite all those you want to, including the baby's uncle, but not the aunt and friend.

[Audrey Quest]

If the BIL is your DHs brother, he is the only one I would have come.

If SIL is his sister, then I would disinvite SIL, BIL and the friend.

[baglady]

Can you play the fussy kid card? "DS is going through a stage where he doesn't like lots of people around, so we're going to cancel the birthday party in favor of a small gathering with just us and the grandparents."

[kudeebee]

Why did you decide that dh friend should be the one to not come?  Sil is just as much at fault. I would call both of them and ask them not to attend.  If one or both does attend, do you want people focusing on this at the party?  Can you be sure that there will be no problems between sil and bil and dh friend?  Or that another family member won't stir up some trouble?

I agree with canceling the party.  If you are thinking of this now, you will be thinking of it at the party and when you look at the pictures.  I am sure that is not the memory you want of the first birthday party.

[PastryGoddess]

Why did you decide that dh friend should be the one to not come?  Sil is just as much at fault. I would call both of them and ask them not to attend.  If one or both does attend, do you want people focusing on this at the party?  Can you be sure that there will be no problems between sil and bil and dh friend?  Or that another family member won't stir up some trouble?

I agree with canceling the party.  If you are thinking of this now, you will be thinking of it at the party and when you look at the pictures.  I am sure that is not the memory you want of the first birthday party.

Well the friend is not a "family member" and the SIL is..for now.  So theoretically uninviting friend can be blamed on the "family only party" excuse

[LifeOnPluto]

How many guests are coming? If it's a large party (eg 50 guests), it might be awkward and inconvenient to cancel the whole thing. Not to mention, it would be unfair to those guests who love you and DS and want to celebrate this occasion.

My next question is: can your BIL, SIL and DH's friend be trusted to put aside their differences for one day? Or alternatively, decide that one of them will not attend? If so, I recommend doing nothing.

However, if you suspect there will be unpleasant drama, I'd definitely dis-invite some or all of them. If BIL is DH's brother, it's easy. Disinvite the friend. Some good wording might be "Friend, my brother will be attending DS's birthday party. Given the circumstances, we don't feel it's appropriate that you attend.."

If SIL is DH's sister, it's a little trickier. Is she now officially in a relationship with DH's friend? If she is, and BIL plans to attend, I think you can ask her not to bring DH's friend along (and/or tell DH's friend yourself).

Alternatively, if you don't want her there at all, disinvite her and DH's friend.

[YummyMummy66]

You already invited everyone.  I would not disinvite them now.

But, be willing to stand your ground.  If these adults to not behave like adults, then you ask them all to leave.

Tell them you will not be taking sides, but you will not deal with the fallout of their choices either, nor should your son have to at his birthday party.  And then tell them, that unless they can behave like civilized human beings, they know where the door is.