Author Topic: Childrens parties, infidelity and breakups - UPDATE P4 post 53  (Read 12860 times)

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Fer

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2013, 07:42:24 AM »
Many thanks for your replies - I do appreciate them.

To answer some of the questions:  SiL is DH's sister.  The reason I would dis-invite Friend as opposed to both of them is that SiL is DS's godmother.  She was at his birth, and has been helping plan his party up until very recently.  I'm not sure if they're officially a couple or not yet, as we were only told this week and don't know how long it had been going on for prior to this.

It is a relatively small party - about 20-25 people, mostly family and some friends with kids around DS's age. 

I guess one of the reasons I have been tempted to cancel is not whether or not the three of them can be civil (while he is invited, I don't really expect BiL to come because of this - the poor guy was blindsided and may not be up to seeing his in-laws congregating. :( ), but what, if anything, DH's FOO will do/say.  Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, as I know some of them didn't care for BiL in the first place, but who knows if that will outweigh the reaction to what happened?  On the other hand, cancelling would be unfair to DS (I know, he won't really remember) and my side of the family, especially my grandmother.

Perhaps I will take the high road... and take people aside beforehand to ask them to play nicely.   :-\

Winterlight

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2013, 08:29:15 AM »
If you go ahead with the party, I'd have a couple of neutral people to keep an eye on potential blowups. And I'd also disinvite Friend.
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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2013, 08:47:16 AM »
If it is that large of a party with relatives from both sides, I would disinvite friend only, and you are right, BIL probably would not show.  I would also take SIL aside beforehand and tell her that whatever is going on in her marriage is between her and her husband and it is NOT to be brought into the party, including bringing the new man.  If she balks, tell her if she can't think of your son for one day, she should not come either. 

jmarvellous

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2013, 09:03:25 AM »
Etiquette-approved or not, I would call up the friend and let him know you're having a "smaller" party because your baby's attention span hasn't been up to too many distractions lately. You don't have to specify how much smaller.

misha412

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2013, 10:21:40 AM »
If it is that large of a party with relatives from both sides, I would disinvite friend only, and you are right, BIL probably would not show.  I would also take SIL aside beforehand and tell her that whatever is going on in her marriage is between her and her husband and it is NOT to be brought into the party, including bringing the new man.  If she balks, tell her if she can't think of your son for one day, she should not come either.

Parking my POD here. The family and friends should not have to be denied a party because of the situation.

cicero

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2013, 11:40:57 AM »
Many thanks for your replies - I do appreciate them.

To answer some of the questions:  SiL is DH's sister.  The reason I would dis-invite Friend as opposed to both of them is that SiL is DS's godmother.  She was at his birth, and has been helping plan his party up until very recently.  I'm not sure if they're officially a couple or not yet, as we were only told this week and don't know how long it had been going on for prior to this.

It is a relatively small party - about 20-25 people, mostly family and some friends with kids around DS's age. 

I guess one of the reasons I have been tempted to cancel is not whether or not the three of them can be civil (while he is invited, I don't really expect BiL to come because of this - the poor guy was blindsided and may not be up to seeing his in-laws congregating. :( ), but what, if anything, DH's FOO will do/say.  Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, as I know some of them didn't care for BiL in the first place, but who knows if that will outweigh the reaction to what happened?  On the other hand, cancelling would be unfair to DS (I know, he won't really remember) and my side of the family, especially my grandmother.

Perhaps I will take the high road... and take people aside beforehand to ask them to play nicely.   :-\

The *only* person whose feelings I would consider is BIL. Ask him how he would feel about the party, and having SIL and SIL's New Guy. If he feels uncomfortable, or if this would make him not come, then I would uninvite New Guy. I understand that it isn't etiquettely correct to uninvite someone, i think that under *these* circumstances, it is the best the thing to do.

And if SIL chooses to not attend because of that? that's on her.

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lady_disdain

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2013, 01:05:59 PM »
You already invited everyone.  I would not disinvite them now.

But, be willing to stand your ground.  If these adults to not behave like adults, then you ask them all to leave.

Tell them you will not be taking sides, but you will not deal with the fallout of their choices either, nor should your son have to at his birthday party.  And then tell them, that unless they can behave like civilized human beings, they know where the door is.

I agree. I am not judge and jury to decide who is to blame or who isn't and to pass sentence on them.

I would not rescind SiL's invitation. She is the OP's husband's sister and the child's godmother. If they have separated, I would expect BiL to have the good taste to not attend his estranged wife's family party.

Regardless, I would expect everyone to behave or leave if they feel they are reacting too much.

Sharnita

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #22 on: September 21, 2013, 01:41:52 PM »
The BiL is still an uncle and if SiL is godmothet thete is a good chance that he is godfather. Whether he is or not, he didn't do anything to create turmoil. I would never expect him to stay away because his wife chose infidelity.

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2013, 01:58:01 PM »
If it is that large of a party with relatives from both sides, I would disinvite friend only, and you are right, BIL probably would not show.  I would also take SIL aside beforehand and tell her that whatever is going on in her marriage is between her and her husband and it is NOT to be brought into the party, including bringing the new man.  If she balks, tell her if she can't think of your son for one day, she should not come either.

Parking my POD here. The family and friends should not have to be denied a party because of the situation.

Me too.  I would also mention to some of the relatives and friends beforehand that this would not be a suitable topic for discussion at the party, and to please help me redirect the conversation if anyone started up on the topic.

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2013, 03:31:42 PM »
Don't disinvite anyone.  Do, however, send an email to the three of them involved letting them know that while they're absolutely still welcome to come, they may run into each other at the party and you want them to have a heads-up so they can be prepared to be civil to each other.

Betelnut

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2013, 04:55:56 PM »
The BiL is still an uncle and if SiL is godmothet thete is a good chance that he is godfather. Whether he is or not, he didn't do anything to create turmoil. I would never expect him to stay away because his wife chose infidelity.

In my limited experience that is similar to this one (my sister cheated, she divorced, etc.), the ex stops being part of the family even if the ex is not to blame for the breakup.  My sister is still my sister after all--her husband (a good guy we all liked)--is still just "my sister's husband."  So yeah, I can see inviting the cheating sister and asking the (probably soon ex-) BIL and friend to stay away. 

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2013, 06:32:22 PM »
Many thanks for your replies - I do appreciate them.

To answer some of the questions:  SiL is DH's sister.  The reason I would dis-invite Friend as opposed to both of them is that SiL is DS's godmother.  She was at his birth, and has been helping plan his party up until very recently.  I'm not sure if they're officially a couple or not yet, as we were only told this week and don't know how long it had been going on for prior to this.

It is a relatively small party - about 20-25 people, mostly family and some friends with kids around DS's age. 

I guess one of the reasons I have been tempted to cancel is not whether or not the three of them can be civil (while he is invited, I don't really expect BiL to come because of this - the poor guy was blindsided and may not be up to seeing his in-laws congregating. :( ), but what, if anything, DH's FOO will do/say.  Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, as I know some of them didn't care for BiL in the first place, but who knows if that will outweigh the reaction to what happened?  On the other hand, cancelling would be unfair to DS (I know, he won't really remember) and my side of the family, especially my grandmother.

Perhaps I will take the high road... and take people aside beforehand to ask them to play nicely.   :-\

It sounds like you and SIL are pretty close - she was helping plan the party, is the godmother, etc.
So I think what I would do is have a candid conversation with her. Just sit down over coffee or something and say "listen, I don't want to get in the middle of things and I don't need to know anything, or whatever, but I do want to talk to you about DS's party. I really don't want any drama or awkwardness. As you know we invited all three of you, and as you know thats now presenting a really awkward situation. You are DS's aunt and godmother, so we do want you there..." And pause here and see if she jumps in with some sort of "oh don't worry I already spoke with both guys neither is planning to attend..." If she doesn't go on and say something like "we don't feel comfortable having friend at the party anymore. Who knows what things will be like in the future, but for now, we just feel like it would be really uncomfortable. I wanted to touch base with you on this before we talk to him."

Normally it wouldn't really be her business of you uninviting him, but since she is going to be around for the next several years, probably decades, its probably easiest to just address the giant elephant she parked in the room.

CakeEater

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2013, 07:35:26 PM »
Many thanks for your replies - I do appreciate them.

To answer some of the questions:  SiL is DH's sister.  The reason I would dis-invite Friend as opposed to both of them is that SiL is DS's godmother.  She was at his birth, and has been helping plan his party up until very recently.  I'm not sure if they're officially a couple or not yet, as we were only told this week and don't know how long it had been going on for prior to this.

It is a relatively small party - about 20-25 people, mostly family and some friends with kids around DS's age. 

I guess one of the reasons I have been tempted to cancel is not whether or not the three of them can be civil (while he is invited, I don't really expect BiL to come because of this - the poor guy was blindsided and may not be up to seeing his in-laws congregating. :( ), but what, if anything, DH's FOO will do/say.  Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, as I know some of them didn't care for BiL in the first place, but who knows if that will outweigh the reaction to what happened?  On the other hand, cancelling would be unfair to DS (I know, he won't really remember) and my side of the family, especially my grandmother.

Perhaps I will take the high road... and take people aside beforehand to ask them to play nicely.   :-\

It sounds like you and SIL are pretty close - she was helping plan the party, is the godmother, etc.
So I think what I would do is have a candid conversation with her. Just sit down over coffee or something and say "listen, I don't want to get in the middle of things and I don't need to know anything, or whatever, but I do want to talk to you about DS's party. I really don't want any drama or awkwardness. As you know we invited all three of you, and as you know thats now presenting a really awkward situation. You are DS's aunt and godmother, so we do want you there..." And pause here and see if she jumps in with some sort of "oh don't worry I already spoke with both guys neither is planning to attend..." If she doesn't go on and say something like "we don't feel comfortable having friend at the party anymore. Who knows what things will be like in the future, but for now, we just feel like it would be really uncomfortable. I wanted to touch base with you on this before we talk to him."

Normally it wouldn't really be her business of you uninviting him, but since she is going to be around for the next several years, probably decades, its probably easiest to just address the giant elephant she parked in the room.

I think this is a good idea.

I'm sure all three care about you and your little one, but if this has happened really recently, it's unlikely that any of them have this party uppermost in their minds. I'd maybe send BIL a message of some sort not uninviting, but reassuring him that he's still welcome (if he is), but that you completely understand if he doesn't want to attend any more. He will probably be grateful to be able to skip it.

I would uninvite the friend.

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2013, 09:06:22 PM »
I'll be the voice of dissent and declare it's absurd to cancel your son's 1st birthday party because of something his aunt did.  That's just makes no sense to me.  SIL is his godmother and aunt.  She's invited.  BIL is his uncle.  He's invited, but I can certainly understand him not wanting to come.  If for some reason BIL and SIL decide to attend, I think you could certainly speak to them before hand stressing that you know things are rough, but you hope they can be civil to each other for you son's sake.   Friend - is a friend.  He's now un-invited.  If he is somehow surprised by this, he's delusional. 

Having SIL and Friend at the party at the same time (as a couple or just in the same room) is just not appropriate under the circumstances.  It's too new and it brings their drama to your son's party. 

I would suspect that SIL won't be too keen on discussing her affair with everyone at a kid's BD party.  Hopefully, there will be enough going on that the rest of the family can ignore it for a little while.  If it does start to come up, you can always say that it's really not an appropriate topic at a BD party and move on.

I say have your party.  Celebrate your little boy.  Expect everyone has enough sense to act civil, but be prepared to kick 'em out if they don't!

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #29 on: September 22, 2013, 12:20:51 AM »
The BiL is still an uncle and if SiL is godmothet thete is a good chance that he is godfather. Whether he is or not, he didn't do anything to create turmoil. I would never expect him to stay away because his wife chose infidelity.

I agree. If BIL decides to attend the party, I don't believe he's showing a lack of "good taste".

And really, who knows what will happen in future? Right now, it does look as though SIL is leaving BIL for the Other Man. But (IME) a lot of people change their minds, and decide to return to their spouses and repair their marriages. I think it's counterproductive *at this early point in time* to suddenly treat BIL as if he is "no longer part of the family" and henceforth not really welcome at family events.