Author Topic: Childrens parties, infidelity and breakups - UPDATE P4 post 53  (Read 14609 times)

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earthgirl

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2013, 09:42:34 AM »

So I think what I would do is have a candid conversation with her.

I agree - I think being transparent about your concerns is the best chance for a conflict-free party.   You don't have to get involved with the drama, just make sure that she knows that it's all about your son, and your desire to keep his party a happy occasion - I'm sure she shares that desire. 

katycoo

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2013, 08:29:21 PM »
Is SIL still with Friend?  If so, I think you should ask DH to contact her and ask her not to bring Friend under the current circumstances.


bopper

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2013, 09:05:36 AM »
I would keep the family invitations as is...BIL /SIL can decide amongst themselves to attend or not.  I would call Friend and say "Under the circumstances I am going to have to ask you not to come to the party since SIL/BIL are still married.  Once legal circumstances change it will be a different story."

Zilla

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2013, 09:12:02 AM »
As another suggest, you or your dh (since it's his sister) should talk to sil and ask her to please talk with friend and tell friend not to attend for sake of harmony.  If they are tactful at all, I am sure friend wasn't planning on attending since the affair came to light.  But just in case, have a conversation with sil.

NyaChan

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2013, 10:08:25 AM »
I'll be the voice of dissent and declare it's absurd to cancel your son's 1st birthday party because of something his aunt did.  That's just makes no sense to me.  SIL is his godmother and aunt.  She's invited.  BIL is his uncle.  He's invited, but I can certainly understand him not wanting to come.  If for some reason BIL and SIL decide to attend, I think you could certainly speak to them before hand stressing that you know things are rough, but you hope they can be civil to each other for you son's sake.   Friend - is a friend.  He's now un-invited.  If he is somehow surprised by this, he's delusional. 

Having SIL and Friend at the party at the same time (as a couple or just in the same room) is just not appropriate under the circumstances.  It's too new and it brings their drama to your son's party. 

I would suspect that SIL won't be too keen on discussing her affair with everyone at a kid's BD party.  Hopefully, there will be enough going on that the rest of the family can ignore it for a little while.  If it does start to come up, you can always say that it's really not an appropriate topic at a BD party and move on.

I say have your party.  Celebrate your little boy.  Expect everyone has enough sense to act civil, but be prepared to kick 'em out if they don't!

Add me on to this as well.  Your husband's sister should absolutely be invited and her husband, regardless of what she has done in this instance to their marriage is the other part of her social unit.  The friend gets the disinvite - I don't think you'll have to go into details about why, pretty sure he'll know.

Sophia

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2013, 11:03:28 AM »
What kind of "friend" would still want to come to your DS's party knowing the drama that would be caused? 

Sharnita

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2013, 11:25:15 AM »
What kind of "friend" would still want to come to your DS's party knowing the drama that would be caused?

Of course, one might also ask what kind of friend would carry on an affair with your married sister instead of waiting for her to resolve her marraige.

TurtleDove

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2013, 11:27:25 AM »
I'll be the voice of dissent and declare it's absurd to cancel your son's 1st birthday party because of something his aunt did.  That's just makes no sense to me.  SIL is his godmother and aunt.  She's invited.  BIL is his uncle.  He's invited, but I can certainly understand him not wanting to come.  If for some reason BIL and SIL decide to attend, I think you could certainly speak to them before hand stressing that you know things are rough, but you hope they can be civil to each other for you son's sake.   Friend - is a friend.  He's now un-invited.  If he is somehow surprised by this, he's delusional. 

Having SIL and Friend at the party at the same time (as a couple or just in the same room) is just not appropriate under the circumstances.  It's too new and it brings their drama to your son's party. 

I would suspect that SIL won't be too keen on discussing her affair with everyone at a kid's BD party.  Hopefully, there will be enough going on that the rest of the family can ignore it for a little while.  If it does start to come up, you can always say that it's really not an appropriate topic at a BD party and move on.

I say have your party.  Celebrate your little boy.  Expect everyone has enough sense to act civil, but be prepared to kick 'em out if they don't!

Add me on to this as well.  Your husband's sister should absolutely be invited and her husband, regardless of what she has done in this instance to their marriage is the other part of her social unit.  The friend gets the disinvite - I don't think you'll have to go into details about why, pretty sure he'll know.

This. 

Sophia

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #38 on: September 25, 2013, 11:29:43 AM »
What kind of "friend" would still want to come to your DS's party knowing the drama that would be caused?

Of course, one might also ask what kind of friend would carry on an affair with your married sister instead of waiting for her to resolve her marraige.

There is that.  Different levels of hell, I guess. 
Although, there would be something soooooo premeditated about coming to the party.  With no upside.

DavidH

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #39 on: September 25, 2013, 12:02:54 PM »
If you don't disinvite anyone, at the minimum, I'd make sure BIL and Friend know that the other will be there.  I'm not sure I'd be up for attending a party with my spouse who I'd just separated from under any circumstance.

Part of my answer depends on SIL and Friend's relationship.  If I thought it likely they'd get married, I'd alert BIL to the circumstance, have DH tell SIL NO DRAMA!!, and go from there.  If I thought a future marriage was unlikely, I'd probably disinvite Friend and just alert BIL that SIL will be there and let them choose. 

TurtleDove

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #40 on: September 25, 2013, 12:18:02 PM »
I think the friend is not a friend so should be disinvited, and both SIL and BIL "deserve" to be there since they are the aunt and uncle of the guest of honor.  I would assume they would be able to put their differences aside and focus on their nephew for the party. If they cannot, they should be asked to leave.  I am a fan of assuming people will act appropriately and making this assumption understood. 

NyaChan

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #41 on: September 25, 2013, 12:28:51 PM »
I think the friend is not a friend so should be disinvited, and both SIL and BIL "deserve" to be there since they are the aunt and uncle of the guest of honor.  I would assume they would be able to put their differences aside and focus on their nephew for the party. If they cannot, they should be asked to leave. I am a fan of assuming people will act appropriately and making this assumption understood. 

Yes, and this puts me in mind of what I was kind of thinking as I read your OP - Yes, you know that your SIL and BIL are having marital issues.  You know she cheated and you know who she cheated with.  However, I think that in the context of the birthday party you should maintain the polite fiction of ignorance even if they know you are aware of what is happening.  Whether they want to attend as a married couple or not is up to them, but I think having the friend either way would be a mistake. 

Fer

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #42 on: September 28, 2013, 07:08:42 AM »
Thank you, once again for your insights and suggestions regarding this delicate party situation. :)  The party is tomorrow (eek!) so I will update again once it's all done and dusted.

I had hoped to be able to speak to SiL quietly about the issue, but when I was able to broach the topic, I wasn't able to get any farther than "I really don't want any drama or awkwardness at the party..." before she interrupted:
"Oh, I know.  I've spoken to [BiL]*, and let him know that both [Friend] and I will be there, but that it shouldn't stop him attending if he wants.  I'm more worried about [her brother, BiL2**] causing a scene." 
I replied (desperately wishing I had a stronger spine than I do!), "If anyone causes a scene or can't be adult enough to put it aside and enjoy the party, they'll be asked to leave."  DH came into the room at that point, and agreed.

(*SiL and BiL are still trying to remain friends.  He's a bigger person than I would be under these circumstances!)

(**slight BG: BiL2 is the eldest sibling, and quite opinionated.  He never liked BiL, but I think his disapproval over the situation outweighs how he felt about BiL.  If we ask him in advance to be nice, he'll likely sulk and try to drag the mood of the whole party down.  That will NOT happen tomorrow!)

So.  This is where we stand: SiL and Friend attending and BiL "maybe".   :-\  Weather permitting we should have enough room to keep everyone seperated if need be


I think the friend is not a friend so should be disinvited, and both SIL and BIL "deserve" to be there since they are the aunt and uncle of the guest of honor.  I would assume they would be able to put their differences aside and focus on their nephew for the party. If they cannot, they should be asked to leave. I am a fan of assuming people will act appropriately and making this assumption understood. 

Yes, and this puts me in mind of what I was kind of thinking as I read your OP - Yes, you know that your SIL and BIL are having marital issues.  You know she cheated and you know who she cheated with.  However, I think that in the context of the birthday party you should maintain the polite fiction of ignorance even if they know you are aware of what is happening.  Whether they want to attend as a married couple or not is up to them, but I think having the friend either way would be a mistake. 

The two bolded quotes are where I'm sitting right now.  I don't know (or care) how long the relationship has been going on, who started what or whether they see a future together, and I don't care if the whole world knows what's been going on, but as long as everyone can behave at the party I'll be happy.  Both sets of DS's grandparents are on alert to keep the peace if DH and I are busy (cooking/wrangling small children), but I truly hope it won't come to that. 

It really was highly inconvenient of them to announce all of this right before DS's party!

lady_disdain

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #43 on: September 28, 2013, 09:38:56 AM »
I replied (desperately wishing I had a stronger spine than I do!), "If anyone causes a scene or can't be adult enough to put it aside and enjoy the party, they'll be asked to leave."  DH came into the room at that point, and agreed.

[...]

It really was highly inconvenient of them to announce all of this right before DS's party!

Good luck with the party!

I actually think your answer was perfect. You made it known that you won't tolerate a scene, no matter who it is from, and done it in a way that is neutral, not on anyone's side.

Yeah. Well, there is never a convenient time for this sort of thing.

MayHug

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Re: Ciildrens parties, infidelity and breakups - oh my!
« Reply #44 on: September 28, 2013, 09:45:01 AM »
It's not much easier after the party either. My husband and I hosted a small birthday party for our grandson. It was just a couple of family members the parents and us. At the last minute she asked me to invite a couple friend of theirs. She said they were like family to her.We had not met them, but said sure. Three days later she asked my son for a divorce and moved in with the male half of the couple. She admitted she'd been seeing him for six months. She told my son she asked me to invite them so all four of them could be together one last time as friends!