Navigating money issues with parents - long

[weeblewobble]

It sounds like you and your mom are footing the bill for your dad's inability/unwillingness to ask his parents to keep up their financial obligations instead of spending on toys or vacations.   That is so unfair to you, it's not even funny.  Start making plans for other living situations.  When they're concrete, give your parents a move out date, thank them for their help and then get out and start their own life.

[bonyk]

You know, I totally agree with this.  But on the other hand, OP mentions that she can't afford to move out.  Which begs the question, is she truly paying market rates?

My guess is that the OP can afford rent, but not furnishings, deposit, etc.

[JoW]

Furniture and the like can be purchased at GoodWill or other thrift shops.  Or try FreeCycle or Craigs List.  WalMart and Big Lots carry a remarkable assortment of stuff to supply a small apartment. 

The OP needs to get out as soon as she can.  Her grandparents aren't carrying their share of the load, but thats between her parents and her grandparents.  Its not the OP's problem. 

[CakeEater]

It's not surprising that OP's dad has her rent factored in to their budget. It's income, and OP hasn't indicated that it's going away, so why wouldn't it be factored in?

OP, with all this moving in with other family members, I'd make sure even when you do get your own place, that it's small enough that anyone moving in with you would be impossible. That seems to be the thing that happens in your family, and might be expected of you later.

Can you cope living in this situation for another year? I don't think you're obligated to. If you move out and take your rent with you, it might mmotivate your Dad to ask your GP for rent.

[HorseFreak]

The OP might need up to 3x the first month's rent just to secure a place- some require first month, 1 month security deposit and possibly last month's depending on local laws all up front. For a $500/month apartment that's $1000-1500. 

[YummyMummy66]

I would just tell them that they should not consider you as a factor in eliminating their debt,as you are making strides to make it on your own and plan to move into your place within a year or so's time. 

If my mom would ask me for advice, I would tell her that if it were me, Dad's parents would be paying rent.  There is no place they could live for free.  Why should they lvie with you for free?  If your dad wants to foot the bill for them, then it is up to him to figure out how to do that and if that means he works two or three jobs, then so be it.  Otherwise, any income mom might make goes to pay off debt.

Honestly, if I was your parents, I would be selling the home and moving in with her mom until they are back on their feet and I hope they ahve learned their lesson and pay mom and affordable rent.

[EllenS]

After all, OP, if your parents really need to rent out a room for the extra income, they can always find a tenant who will pay market rates, and will not have any emotional obligations - easier to keep it on a business footing.

[miranova]

The OP might need up to 3x the first month's rent just to secure a place- some require first month, 1 month security deposit and possibly last month's depending on local laws all up front. For a $500/month apartment that's $1000-1500.

I understand all of this and I understand furniture isn't cheap either, but that only serves to prove my point, which was that BOTH the OP and her parents are currently relying on each other, it isn't one sided.  If the OP could afford to move out, she would have already.  I think acknowledging that right now she is dependent on them as well can be the fire she needs to work to change that.  So if I were the OP, I'd get a 2nd or weekend job to save up for these things so she can work toward becoming FULLY independent so that everyone in the story (including the OP) can stop relying on somebody else for their living situation. 

[TootsNYC]

But I almost feel that you feel a greater obligation to your parents than for yourself.

 But I *really* don't buy the idea that renting your kid a room, especially at market rates, is "helping" her.

You know, I totally agree with this.  But on the other hand, OP mentions that she can't afford to move out.  Which begs the question, is she truly paying market rates?

It wouldn't change my advice, which is to GET OUT as soon as possible. 
 . . .

Look for a roommate situation with a shared lease if you can't afford to be fully on your own. 

A good point--if the OP can't afford to move out, is that because no one *else* will rent her a room at that rate? In which case, she isn't paying market rate; she's paying less. (Still doesn't mean that I personally would define that as "her parents helping her so very much.")

Or is it because she's setting too high a standard for moving out--that she's only considering the "save up enough for 1st/last month's rent, deposit, furniture, etc." as the way to get out.

OP, if you're truly paying a reasonable amount (or, as you said, slightly higher) for sharing a room in someone else's home, then it's time to pay that to someone ELSE and live in THEIR home. You don't have to have furniture, dishes, etc. Often when you live w/ someone else, they've got most everything but bed, dresser, etc. And even if you don't have that--you can sit on the floor, sleep on the world's cheapest mattress laid flat on the floor, keep your clothes in piles.

It's fine. There's no law that says you can't do those things. If you spread the word around to people outside your family, you may find ways to accumulate some basics without spending a lot. And you can always just wait.

[bopper]

"Mom, one factor to keep in mind is that as an adult, I would like to live in my own place.  I am so happy that you and dad could help me out, and that I could in turn help you out, but I am planning on moving out in about a year."

Have you tried not being very helpful when you talk to your mom? In that you listen, but you don't take sides?

"I can see what you are saying, mom, but Dad's idea is viable as well.  I wonder if there is anyone else you can talk to about this?"

[TootsNYC]

You can also say, "Please don't make me your confidante and sounding board on this issue, Mom. I'm related to all the people involved, and I am really uncomfortable."

Then cut-and-paste: "Please don't make me your confidante on this, Mom. I'm related to all the people involved." Over and over.

[White Lotus]

When people with bachelor's degrees are working part time in fast food because there is nothing else they can get, not even sales, not even telemarketing, not even security guard, and the only other option is MLM, telling OP to get a second or weekend job sounds just a little disconnected from reality as I know it.  And, yes, she does need rent x 3 to get a place.  Even share houses and roommate situations require that around here.  What might work for her is a senior home share, in which she gets a room (sometimes reduced rent, sometimes free) and sometimes board for doing varying levels of chores and providing a bit of companionship and just somebody in the house for an older person who needs just a little help.  She will likely need CPR and a first aid certificate to do this. Neither is hard or expensive to come by.  But she won't have to put up any money, and she will have the ability to study without family drama and with a modicum of extra working top of the job she already has.  Check it out, OP.  This might really work for you, and you won't need any furniture or housewares.

[valkyrie]

Moving out includes a lot of one time expenses that are super daunting.
First and last month's rent.
Application fees.
Broker's fees.
Furniture (even if you go with goodwill for metal/ wood, it's imprudent to get mattresses and beds there given the bedbugs)
First round of utilities.
Moving fees (shipping and delivery, moving your clothes, etc).

Also, there's the fact that efficiency apartments are kind of thin on the ground in a lot of areas. She may have to factor in additional time to commute, she may have to look for a long time, etc.  The thing is, it sounds like the OP has been working hard for years and handing over a substantial chunk of that to be a good kid (no way i'd have rented from family at market rate, that's the worst of both worlds, in my experience).  I'd ask for any furniture that was unwanted, to be frank, in exchange for six months notice.

[hannahmollysmom]

I'm going to try and word this carefully as I don't want to offend the OP.

My younger daughter lives with her father and his fiancée. They don't make her pay rent, but are strict with her requests for groceries etc. She was employed but now is not. (Not her fault, business closed). She doesn't like living there as his fiancée's son and daughter-in-law live there too, and their baby is due any day. I listen to her complaints, and sympathize, and I would love to have her live here. But, she knows in order to do that, she needs to be working. I live week to week, and having an additional person would cause all my utilities to go up. (I am not frivolous, but am on a strict budget.) If she needs gas money, her Dad hands it over. I couldn't afford to do that. And she knows that.

As far as the OP's Grandparents not helping out, that is the parents problem. Not Op's. What's that saying, "Your lack of planning is not my emergency!"
OP sounds like she has helped a lot, but now needs to get away and live on her own. I wish OP luck, and just do it!

[blarg314]

I've moved multiple times while very broke (running around trying to find a cash machine that would dispense $5 bills, eating out of a frisbee until I could afford plates broke, on several occasions). I had enough for the deposit and first month's rent, but had to wait to afford much else.

For setup costs, you can do it surprisingly cheaply if you lower your standards and don't regard things like a bed frame or drawers as necessities. A cheap single mattress on the floor works as a bed plus couch. A cheap bed in a bag, a towel and washcloth, and a few dishclothes for linens, a small card table and folding chair for a desk/table, and a set of no frills assemble yourself shelves from Walmart to store stuff on will do it. Toss in an iron if you need one to look respectable for work (ironing board not needed - iron on the bed). Cardboard boxes can be fashioned into bedside tables, dresser drawers and bookshelves.

For a kitchen - you can get by at first with one cheap pot and a cheap frying pan, a plate/bowl/mug/knife/fork/spoon, a cutting board, a paring knife, a vegetable peeler, a colander, a mixing bowl and  a mixing spoon and spatula. Most of these things could be purchased at a thrift store. Start up food can be very basic - a bottle of oil for frying, salt and pepper, a couple of cheap spice mixes, maybe a bottle of soy sauce and of vinegar, and you can cook enough to keep yourself fed and healthy without a big initial outlay for ingredients.

Once you've got the above, and some basic cleaning supplies, you've got enough to survive on. You can upgrade and add things as you go.

It's not luxury living by any means, and I'm glad I'm no longer having to do that any more, but if you really want to move out as soon as possible, it can help to calibrate your options - moving into a nicely furnished and equipped apartment is nice, but not required.