Author Topic: But we'll be away then......  (Read 15422 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9795
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #60 on: October 09, 2013, 10:40:37 PM »
I am on the "call niece" side, and say you're sorry to miss the wedding but understand it is hard to pick a date that suits everyone, that you will certainly be thinking if them, and ask her to tell you all about it!  Maybe over lunch?  Get your sister out of the picture, and ignore her if she goes off.

Agreed. Don't criticize her mom. Don't even mention her. Just have a nice lunch.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30543
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #61 on: October 10, 2013, 12:11:39 PM »
I had an opportunity to develop a one-on-one friendship with a niece when they lived in our area.  It started out with picking her up from school (high school) when she was ill and picking her up at the airport.  Both of those were favors to BIL, but niece and I developed a friendship from there.  We would go out for lunch, to movies and shopping together.  BIL is notoriously bad about giving out information, so when it came to be the day before niece was leaving for college, she called and said "I'd really like to see you before I go.  Can you come over?"  As she didn't have a car at her disposal, I did. 

To this day, almost 8 years later, we still have a relationship that is independent of "family ties".

This makes tons of sense. Of course, both sides of the equation need to remember that the relationship is now a grownup one; kids can't keep relying on their parents to arrange this sort of stuff for them.

But as the grownup, aunts & uncles have the chance to teach this to the growing-up/grownup kids in their lives.

AuntieA

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 456
  • Anything but your basic traditional auntie
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #62 on: October 15, 2013, 08:54:32 PM »
I had a sort of similar situation arise in 2009. BF and I had started planning a 3-week trip to the South of France in March; even though the trip wouldn't occur until early October, we had flights and housing booked and non-refundable deposits paid by late April.

In July, nephew called to say that he and fiancee were going to have a destination wedding in November, because they had been able to get package booking at a great discount then (original date was spring of 2010). I had to give my regrets to nephew because I had used up a) all my vacation time and b) all my vacation budget for the year on our upcoming fall trip.

Nephew, his fiancee, KidSis (MOG), niece and our Dad were all fine with that - and I have a beautiful DVD of the wedding, from rehearsal dinner to the reception's end.

My niece promised me she would get married in Alberta or BC - and she did, in Cremona AB on July 6.
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Rusty

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 161
Re: But we'll be away then...... Update
« Reply #63 on: October 21, 2013, 01:45:18 AM »

So, I called my niece and asked her to lunch.    I started off by apologising that we cannot attend her planned wedding as we would be away etc.    Niece was fairly gracious about it and admitted they had brought the date forward.  She also said her mother was being difficult about our non-attendance (understatement) but told me not to worry as she was fine with it.   I did say that her mother had made me feel like I was letting the entire family down, but niece said "well, you know what she is like"  (I certainly do).

So, next call I have from Sis, I will be informing her I've cleared it with niece, and as far as I'm concerned that's all that matters.

PastryGoddess

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4691
    • My Image Portfolio and Store
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #64 on: October 21, 2013, 02:35:00 AM »
yay Rusty,

Hopefully this will be a beginning to a new relationship with your nieces and nephews. 

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30543
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #65 on: October 22, 2013, 11:16:46 AM »
I think there are a few other takeaways.
-don't take Sis so seriously; she's unreasonable and loves drama, so just be amused at her.

-don't *ever* allow Sis to claim that she speaks for other people; touch base directly with them. Don't let her be the conduit of communication.

-everybody in the family has her number. Even her children. So don't think that her characterization of you (or of others) is something that other people will take seriously (see #1).

I'm so glad you had a nice lunch. I'm w/ PastryGoddess--I hope you have started a relationship with your niece directly.

I treasure my aunts. They are a huge, huge force for good in my life. My mother always said, "children benefit from having aunts--they're 'on your side' the way only family can be, but they don't come w/ the baggage that mothers do."

Now that my mother is gone, my aunts are my solace and my source of maternal love. And I think I add something important to their lives. (One of them recently lose her son, at age 45; I call her now and then to be someone who loves her. And someone who can both listen to her loss and distract her from it.)

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30543
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #66 on: October 22, 2013, 11:17:32 AM »
Oh--in the "olden days," faraway relatives used to send telegrams to the wedding reception to bring their greetings to the couple. You might be able to arrange something similar.

Rusty

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 161
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #67 on: October 23, 2013, 05:41:58 PM »

You are so right Toots, when I was young I had a lovely Aunt I adored and who made me feel like I was the only person in the world when I was with her (I had 15 cousins and I found out later on in life that we all thought we were the "special one").  She was a lot older than my mother and had only one child, so used to have a niece or nephew over on the holidays (always in turn).

I know I invest too much in my emotions regarding my sister, I always wanted a close relationship with her but its never been what it should be.   At times when I think she is being genuine and kind I then find out there is always a hidden agenda, so I've learned not to trust.

As for my niece, well hopefully we can continue, I noticed she has matured and now seems a nice well rounded young woman (who used to be quite a selfish rude teenager), so there is hope for a relationship there.  She seems quite open to catching up with me for coffee etc.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30543
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #68 on: October 23, 2013, 06:05:14 PM »
I think your sister makes it hard for people to disinvest in her, emotionally. She's probably very, very needy, and she's instinctively developed a tactic that makes her very powerful inside your family dynamic.

Maybe this is a start that will help you disconnect from that dynamic.

Arila

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 756
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #69 on: October 24, 2013, 01:02:11 PM »
I noticed she has matured and now seems a nice well rounded young woman (who used to be quite a selfish rude teenager)

Unfortunately most of us go through this phase :( -- glad you're not holding it against her! :)

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: But we'll be away then......
« Reply #70 on: October 24, 2013, 01:24:38 PM »
Toots is right about aunts. Sadly I was never close to my aunts, but I have several of mom's cousins that make up for it. They spoil me rotten when I need it, kick me in the bum when I need it, and have gone to bat for me when we both firmly felt that my parents were being a bit unreasonable.

OP, I'm glad you had a nice lunch with your niece. I hope you have plenty more going forward, it sounds like she's perfectly understanding of everything, especially how her mother is.