Author Topic: Time to give the cut direct?  (Read 10331 times)

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Goosey

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #30 on: October 21, 2013, 09:13:50 AM »
I would be upset if I were the parents simply because it was done, as was the wedding, with nothing being said.  If he had gone to his parents and said "Listen, I need to do this for my career.  It doesn't change who I am inside, but this will help me."  Instead, they are finding out everything via FB.  But yet, while he can't tell them about names and weddings, he sure can put his hand out for them to supply the basic needs for HIS child.

But that's not what upset them. They won't put him in the will because he is Brother ______ not Brother Original. Dad is upset because of the whole heritage thing. If it was "I wish you'd given us a heads up" thing, I'd understand. But, with the attitude they have, I am not surprised he didn't put this up for discussion.

Amara

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2013, 04:07:52 PM »
Relatives often do feel, especially with a full name change, that the person is rejecting them/the family. I don't know why. It really has nothing to do with anyone else (most of the time).

cicero

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #32 on: October 22, 2013, 03:58:54 AM »
I understand that you and your mom were hurt but i'm assuming that there is more to the story.  I don't see anything that is OTT with your brother's behavior - and again, without the background, it's hard to know. If he got the point where he decided to change his name and not inform you about the wedding, then *something* must have happened along the line to make him want to do this. we are hearing only your side of the story. (I am not saying that *you* personally or your mother hurt him or did someting to deliberately hurt or exclude him, but i am saying that there is more going on here and it sounds like he is holding some old "hurts")

the baby things that you "had to" buy - while i understand where you are coming from, why do you care that he "ruined" the things you bought at a second hand store? why is this even an issue for you? you gifted these items - you need to let them go.

the name change? well, that's his choice. i'm sure he had a reason for choosing the name he chose, even if it's not entirely understandable to YOU.

I think a cooling off period (rather than a cut direct) is a good idea. and i'm glad your nephew is so cute!

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perpetua

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #33 on: October 22, 2013, 04:39:51 AM »
Given how everyone has been reacting to your brother's name change, I'm not surprised he didn't tell anyone. Who wants to deal with that kind of drama? And he did still visit his mom in the hospital despite the negative and downright hostile attitude she has toward him right now. i mean really, she has essentially declared him "not-my-son" and you're upset that he didn't visit her enough?

I'm getting kind of a scapegoat/black sheep vibe from the way you talk about your brother, is there any chance something like that is in play? I think that trying to understand his motivations and perspective could go a long way toward making him feel less intolerable to you.

I am definitely glad to hear that Thanksgiving went smoothly, though! It sounds like you all handled the situation very well.

I agree. Additionally, I see a lot of "This is what my brother *should* be doing" statements in your OP.  He 'should' have told people about his wedding rather than announce it on FB because *you* don't like FB. Well, perhaps that's how *he* prefers to communicate with people. He 'should' have taken better care of the baby items so he can sell them on or trade them - well, why does it matter to you what he does with them?  He's an adult, and can make his own decisions about what he 'should' do with his own stuff.

I don't see anything wrong with anything that he's done here except perhaps I can see how it might be hurtful that he didn't invite you to his wedding. But if he's living under this expectation of what he 'should' be doing all the time, I can see why he did that.

Bottom line: You (you-general) don't get to call the shots on how another adult - who now has his own family - lives his life because of your own preferences.

I think a cooling off period is a good idea, but for your brother's sake as much as yours. I can only think that the pressure of having to live up to someone else's expectations of what you 'should' be doing must be exhausting for him.

Minmom3

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #34 on: October 22, 2013, 09:03:44 AM »
I somewhat agree with you, but I have to say - if I give somebody something and they don't take care of it at all, and it dies because they didn't take care of it, and THEN they want me to replace it for them - that's more than annoying...  So, to say that we don't get to care how people treat things we give them isn't entirely realistic, in my opinion.
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Virg

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Re: Time to give the cut direct?
« Reply #35 on: October 22, 2013, 05:35:07 PM »
*inviteseller wrote:

"I would be upset if I were the parents simply because it was done, as was the wedding, with nothing being said.  If he had gone to his parents and said "Listen, I need to do this for my career.  It doesn't change who I am inside, but this will help me."  Instead, they are finding out everything via FB.  But yet, while he can't tell them about names and weddings, he sure can put his hand out for them to supply the basic needs for HIS child."

I can see this happening in the case of an estrangement.  For example, what if he's been catching flak for quite some time over all and sundry, so he decides that it's easier just to leave them in the dark than fight it out twice.  Then it comes down to needing money, and so he decides to take his hat in his hand and deal with the fallout to ask them for help.

I definitely doubt that he's a shining white innocent party in all this, but I'm left to wonder whether the background that we didn't get would shed light on why he's so reluctant to share his life plans with his family.  There's a hint of it in mom not giving him anything from her downsizing because "it's for Brother Smith and he's decided he doesn't want to be that person."  I know I'd avoid sharing a name change if I knew my family would decide that it meant I was no longer a member of the family.  There's another from missmarie saying he hasn't announced their wedding to any of them one sentence after saying that he announced it on Facebook, because "I really don't like Facebook and absolutely can't stand when people use it to announce things they should be calling close family about first."  If the family considered that I didn't tell them because they disagreed with my method for telling them, I know I wouldn't be jumping at the chance to share much with them at all.

These two things don't particularly endear me to missmarie's side of the story, and in the brother's position I could certainly imagine how I would be hesitant to share stuff that I knew would draw fire.

Virg