Author Topic: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."  (Read 6000 times)

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lisztchick

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I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« on: September 23, 2013, 09:42:53 PM »
(Apologies in advance if this subject matter is inappropriate in any way. I have an etiquette question, and I need impartial advice!)

BG: Earlier this year, I suffered a miscarriage and was told not long afterward that I could never have any more children. Only my family and a few friends know....and they also know that this was a devastating blow for me. I am trying to learn to accept this, but it is a slow process and I am grieving every day. (My family tells me that I "just need to be grateful" for my DD. Please know that I am.  :))

One of these close friends, M, just had her third child. She also has two other children (the youngest of those is ten - this was definitely a "surprise"!) I am very happy for her, but....she "vented" to me quite a bit during this pregnancy (how fat she was getting, how expensive this was all going to be, etc.) It was difficult for me to listen to, but I tried my best to be supportive, and I think I was. Now that this (stunningly beautiful!) baby is here, she was been sending me quite a lot of pictures (via text - she's still in the hospital) accompanied by texts such as "I'm so happy!!" "Look, how sweet!" "I'm so lucky!"

I know that she wouldn't hurt me for the world, but every time I check my phone....well, it hurts. My situation is still very new and painful to me and I'm learning to adjust to it. In time, I know I'll be able to throw baby showers again....shop for baby clothes for friends.... (and I did pack up DD's baby clothes to give to her) and all of that, but right now....I just can't. I realize this probably makes me a special snowflake. (Although if it makes me look any better, I did just attend my nephew's baptism - so I haven't ceased all baby activities!)

My etiquette question is this: is there a polite way to request that these texts....cease? or at least, let up, for the time being? Should I just be honest with her and let her know that while I am genuinely happy for her, these texts are somewhat wrenching as well? Do I just need to get over myself? I don't know if there's a polite way to tell a proud mother to stop sending pictures of her beautiful newborn! Would it be horrible to request it - even? (This was not an issue at all when my nephew was born, but then....SIL was not sending nearly so many pictures and texts.)


bopper

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2013, 09:51:08 PM »


Ask her if she could post pictures on FB instead because you have used up your data for the month. (and then don't look, or look when you are ready). Tell her that the pictures are too small for you to see on your phone.


lisztchick

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2013, 09:57:53 PM »
Awesome! Only....neither of us is on FB....at least, I don't believe she is anymore.

DH has offered to text or call her and say that there's something wrong with my phone and it's not receiving pictures; would she please send these pictures to him instead? What do you think? (It's not just the pictures, though, it's all of the commentary.)

Katana_Geldar

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2013, 10:01:18 PM »
I would be honest with her, saying that you're happy for her but these photos are a little hard to bear right now. I miscarried recently and found it hard to bear for a little while the FB posts of a couple DH and I know well who are expecting.

bopper

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2013, 10:03:22 PM »
Then just say that you are over your data limit, but would like to see the pictures when you visit.

Luci

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2013, 10:12:12 PM »
I would be honest with her, saying that you're happy for her but these photos are a little hard to bear right now. I miscarried recently and found it hard to bear for a little while the FB posts of a couple DH and I know well who are expecting.

Either you or your husband needs to do this. I like the way Katana stated it.

I am sorry she is so insensitive.

Hugs to you. You sound like you have confidence in youself to adjust to this, and I really admire that. You are not a SS!

TootsNYC

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2013, 10:21:13 PM »
If this person is close enough that you could tell her about your loss, I think you ought to be able to say to her, "I'm so happy for you, and the baby's beautiful. But I'm finding that this is so much harder than I expected it to be. Please, now that I'm thinking of you, and happy for you, but would you not send all the glowing texts and photos?
    "I'm sorry if this seems as though I'm not going to be there for you in this happy time, but it's so hard right now. I hope you'll understand.
    "It's not that I don't want any news at all, and I'll be over to see the baby, but I think this would be easier for me if I were a bit more left out."

And my hugs and sympathies. How tough!
(and it must just suck--to be wanting to be so happy for her, maybe even BEing that happy, and yet have it hurt so much for you!)

Amara

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2013, 10:51:54 PM »
You said she is a close friend. So this: "Should I just be honest with her and let her know that while I am genuinely happy for her, these texts are somewhat wrenching as well?" Yes. She will surely understand your feelings as you do hers.

delabela

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2013, 10:55:59 PM »
It may truly be that she just doesn't understand where your head is - I don't think she's necessarily insensitive.  If I was unintentionally doing something that hurt someone I cared for, I would appreciate being told gently and given a chance to make it right.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2013, 11:03:56 PM »
Short answer - no. You are not being a Special Snowflake.

And look, I don't have kids, so maybe I don't "get" how wrapped up new parents can be. But if a close friend of mine had just lost a baby and been told she couldn't have any more, the last thing I'd do is bombard her with constant images and commentary of my own newborn. Unless in her mind, she genuinely thinks that she's "cheering you up"?

Anyway, I think you're fine in telling her that all the baby pictures and texts are a bit much for you right now. Toots had some great wording you could use. 

JenJay

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2013, 11:07:11 PM »
I think you've received some great advice so I'm posting to say I'm so sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts. I've had 3 miscarriages myself and high risk pregnancies: I know what a minefield of emotions it is. Take care of you, if she's a good friend she'll understand.

Promise

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2013, 11:24:14 PM »
You are NOT a special snowflake. What you are is a grieving mother and other people get so caught up in their own world that they are unable to see that others are hurting. You lost a child. I'm amazed at the dumb things people say to women who miscarry. You carried a human being. You had dreams and hopes and lots of love for that child. What you didn't have was much time with that child. But, that in and of itself, is grief because your plans for that child were long-term, not short-term. When people tell you to get over it or be grateful, ignore them and just know that they just don't know what to say.

As to your question, it might be good to have your husband be the go between. He could say something like, "Mary won't tell you this, but every time she sees a text photo of your new baby, it causes her to go through the pain again of losing hers. She truly is happy for you and can't wait to hold the baby and see you. But right now, she's still raw from losing her baby and it might be a kindness if you didn't send her photos or texts for a while about the baby. I'm sure you can understand how hard this is for her."  If she is a good friend, she will understand. If she's not and gets selfish and self-righteous...well then, you now know.

sammycat

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2013, 01:19:20 AM »
You are NOT a special snowflake. What you are is a grieving mother and other people get so caught up in their own world that they are unable to see that others are hurting. You lost a child. I'm amazed at the dumb things people say to women who miscarry. You carried a human being. You had dreams and hopes and lots of love for that child. What you didn't have was much time with that child. But, that in and of itself, is grief because your plans for that child were long-term, not short-term. When people tell you to get over it or be grateful, ignore them and just know that they just don't know what to say.

As to your question, it might be good to have your husband be the go between. He could say something like, "Mary won't tell you this, but every time she sees a text photo of your new baby, it causes her to go through the pain again of losing hers. She truly is happy for you and can't wait to hold the baby and see you. But right now, she's still raw from losing her baby and it might be a kindness if you didn't send her photos or texts for a while about the baby. I'm sure you can understand how hard this is for her."  If she is a good friend, she will understand. If she's not and gets selfish and self-righteous...well then, you now know.

THIS. So much.

YummyMummy66

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2013, 06:58:09 AM »
Does this friend know of your circumstances?

If not, I think now would be the time to tell her. 

Friend, I simply adore new baby and I am so happy for you.  But, I need to ask a favor and tell you why I am asking.  Tell her about your situation, and let her know, you do not want her to completely stop sending you pics or updates on her new baby, but to please limit them.  Right now, you just cannot handle how many she is sending daily.

HGolightly

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2013, 08:00:19 AM »
I have been in your shoes and your friends.  I have a friend who is struggling with similar issues and is maintaining limited contact with me, I totally respect that and am letting her take the lead and let me know what she needs.
You are not a snowflake in any way, you are grieving and I hope you allow yourself to do so.  I am sending you good thoughts and hope you find some peace.