Author Topic: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."  (Read 6033 times)

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that_one_girl

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2013, 08:05:32 AM »
I also agree that you are not a special snowflake.  If she does not have Facebook, perhaps she could e-mail you the pictures. 
I agree with telling her that you are approaching your data limit and that the pics are really too small to appreciate on your phone.

earthgirl

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2013, 08:41:40 AM »
I kind of feel like telling a little white lie about data limits, etc. may solve the immediate problem but won't necessarily stop the new mom from bombarding OP with other kinds of information about her baby - whether in email, text, or in person - that OP finds difficult to deal with.  I'm with the camp that says tell her how you feel -- that you are genuinely happy for her, but that you need some time to heal before you can immerse yourself in all things baby. 

bopper

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2013, 08:56:21 AM »
I got the impression that the text thing was an issue because when a text comes in, you naturally want to check it.   On an iphone at least, it would just pop up on your screen.  The OP has no choice in when she would see the pictures.  In person or even in an email, she would have more control over the pictures.

Winterlight

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2013, 09:19:47 AM »
Short answer - no. You are not being a Special Snowflake.

And look, I don't have kids, so maybe I don't "get" how wrapped up new parents can be. But if a close friend of mine had just lost a baby and been told she couldn't have any more, the last thing I'd do is bombard her with constant images and commentary of my own newborn. Unless in her mind, she genuinely thinks that she's "cheering you up"?

Anyway, I think you're fine in telling her that all the baby pictures and texts are a bit much for you right now. Toots had some great wording you could use.

Agreed. She's being a little oblivious here.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

acicularis

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2013, 09:36:03 AM »
As another poster has suggested, I think it might be a good idea for your husband to say something. He could even tell a little white lie and say that you don't know he's telling her this.

gingerzing

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2013, 09:54:38 AM »

If she is a good friend (and even if she isn't a "close" friend but still a good friend), you really do need to tell her.  Along the lines that you love her and are really happy for her and the new little one, but that it makes your grieving quite hard when the text come often or at unexpected times.  Toots and YummyMummy have better words.  A close friend or a good friend will understand. 
 
The dataplan or having your husband talk to her seems, not quite right.  Dataplan thing will only go so far.  And if you have your husband talk to her, she may question the motive, think that he is going behind your back, or read that you don't want to talk to her at all. 

Virg

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2013, 10:08:29 AM »
LifeOnPluto wrote:

"But if a close friend of mine had just lost a baby and been told she couldn't have any more, the last thing I'd do is bombard her with constant images and commentary of my own newborn. Unless in her mind, she genuinely thinks that she's "cheering you up"?"

It might not be fair to take this approach.  lisztchick wrote that she's only told a small circle of people and this friend might not have been one of those people, so she might not know.  Considering she's described as a good friend, I'll add my voice to those suggesting that she be told the truth, or at least an edited version of it.

Virg

amylouky

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2013, 10:30:25 AM »
I understood it as that this friend was one of those who knew the situation.. the "One of these friends.." in the OP.

OP, you are NOT a special snowflake. You are grieving and fragile right now. Your friend may be trying to "share" the experience with you, but doesn't realize that it's just making you feel bad. I have a friend who went through a similar situation, and her friend asked if she wanted to be in the delivery room with her, since "you won't get the chance to see it for yourself." Yes, some people really are that clueless.  ::)

I had cancer requiring a hysterectomy (discovered while we were ttc our first), about a month before my cousin who is more like a sister was having her baby. Although of course I was ecstatic and over the moon about her daughter, it was very tough at times. I just told her that I loved her very much, and was incredibly happy for her, but that I might need to step back some times. She completely understood and let me be involved with the baby stuff at my own pace, and when I was feeling able to handle it.

I think if your friend is close enough that she is one of the ones that you have told, then she will understand if you tell her that the baby info and pictures, while precious, are also upsetting at times.

Arila

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2013, 08:35:47 PM »
I'm throwing in a "just be honest" vote.

You've already got a good start on the wording in the OP. So sorry you are having a painful time right now. :(


....

every time I check my phone....well, it hurts. My situation is still very new and painful to me and I'm learning to adjust to it. In time, I know I'll be able to throw baby showers again....shop for baby clothes for friends.... (and I did pack up DD's baby clothes to give to her) and all of that, but right now....I just can't

....

while I am genuinely happy for her, these texts are somewhat wrenching



gramma dishes

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2013, 08:50:25 PM »
I'm in the Tell Her camp.  It isn't clear whether she is one of the friends who already knows your situation, but I'd just tell her what everyone else here has already said.  That you think her baby is beautiful and adorable and that you're really genuinely ecstatically  happy for her and can't wait for the opportunity to see and hold the baby, but that you're still grieving your own loss right now and it's a little harder for you than you had anticipated.  So could she share just a little less, please, just for awhile?

Winterlight

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2013, 08:53:29 AM »
LifeOnPluto wrote:

"But if a close friend of mine had just lost a baby and been told she couldn't have any more, the last thing I'd do is bombard her with constant images and commentary of my own newborn. Unless in her mind, she genuinely thinks that she's "cheering you up"?"

It might not be fair to take this approach.  lisztchick wrote that she's only told a small circle of people and this friend might not have been one of those people, so she might not know.  Considering she's described as a good friend, I'll add my voice to those suggesting that she be told the truth, or at least an edited version of it.

Virg

Friend was told. I think it's fair to call her tactless at best.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

bopper

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2013, 09:00:30 AM »
Another thing you could try is "Friend, I am thrilled for you over the arrival of <baby>.  I know you are just bursting to share pictures of him/her. However, I am still grieving over the loss of my pregnancy and having baby pictures show up in my text when I am not prepared for them just brings it all back.  I am not trying to bring you down or make you feel bad, but can stop texting me pictures and maybe put them somewhere I could look at them when I am ready?  I knew you would understand.  By the way he really is a little doll."

gingerzing

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2013, 09:19:06 AM »
Another thing you could try is "Friend, I am thrilled for you over the arrival of <baby>.  I know you are just bursting to share pictures of him/her. However, I am still grieving over the loss of my pregnancy and having baby pictures show up in my text when I am not prepared for them just brings it all back.  I am not trying to bring you down or make you feel bad, but can stop texting me pictures and maybe put them somewhere I could look at them when I am ready?  I knew you would understand.  By the way he really is a little doll."

This is quite nice.  A nice "sandwich".    Happy for you (bread)|Hurts to see so much (meat)|Happy to look when in a better place (bread)

And honestly, I think the friend is just in the moment of the baby so not really thinking past the baby moments.  I know folks like that.  And usually a gentle reminder works.

lisztchick

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #28 on: September 25, 2013, 01:24:50 PM »
OP here:

Two texts from my friend already today. I'm going to have to be honest and say something, aren't I?  :(

I realize I wasn't clear in my original post. My friend does know all the details of my situation, including all of the unfortunate back-story. (I had life-threatening post-partum complications after DD's birth, and she came to visit me in the ICU almost every day. As I said....she's a good friend.) She does know how devastated I am, but she couldn't know that I still cry at least once a day over this. I have avoided mentioning my circumstances or any of this for a while now, for two reasons: 1. I just didn't want to rain on her parade, or blight her happiness in any way by bringing up my sadness, and 2. The last few times she's brought the subject up, she's gushed, "Ooh! I just heard about this terrific adoption agency you might want to look into!" She's trying to help. But that's just not the sort of thing I need to discuss right now.

Thank you all for saying that I'm not a special snowflake. I'd forgotten, but none of this was an issue when my nephew was born, and I'd expected that event to really lay me low (my SIL and I were due within days of each other.) I was really quite okay....however, my SIL is the soul of tact - rather different from my friend. My friend (and in her defense, she was like this with her other pregnancies as well) had to include the fact that she is pregnant with almost every sentence that she utters, bless her heart.  ::) As in:

Me: Hey, would you like a piece of chocolate?
Her: Well, of course! I'm pregnant, after all!

Thank you all for the wording that you've provided.... I will definitely use it. And thank you again for your support. I promise that I didn't come to an etiquette board looking for emotional support, but how wonderful to find it! A long time ago, I remember reading something on this board to the effect of "the ability to get pregnant isn't like winning a prize....." something like that. Babies are going to continue to get born - just not to me - and it's very important to me that no one feels the need to "tiptoe" around me because of that. It's difficult now, but I don't want that always to be the case. (Side note: I am taking steps to come to terms with all of this - such as joining a gym! - so that I can move forward in a mentally and emotionally healthy way.)

CocoCamm

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Re: I fear I'm a "special snowflake."
« Reply #29 on: September 25, 2013, 05:21:19 PM »
OP here:

Two texts from my friend already today. I'm going to have to be honest and say something, aren't I?  :(

I realize I wasn't clear in my original post. My friend does know all the details of my situation, including all of the unfortunate back-story. (I had life-threatening post-partum complications after DD's birth, and she came to visit me in the ICU almost every day. As I said....she's a good friend.) She does know how devastated I am, but she couldn't know that I still cry at least once a day over this. I have avoided mentioning my circumstances or any of this for a while now, for two reasons: 1. I just didn't want to rain on her parade, or blight her happiness in any way by bringing up my sadness, and 2. The last few times she's brought the subject up, she's gushed, "Ooh! I just heard about this terrific adoption agency you might want to look into!" She's trying to help. But that's just not the sort of thing I need to discuss right now.

Thank you all for saying that I'm not a special snowflake. I'd forgotten, but none of this was an issue when my nephew was born, and I'd expected that event to really lay me low (my SIL and I were due within days of each other.) I was really quite okay....however, my SIL is the soul of tact - rather different from my friend. My friend (and in her defense, she was like this with her other pregnancies as well) had to include the fact that she is pregnant with almost every sentence that she utters, bless her heart.  ::) As in:

Me: Hey, would you like a piece of chocolate?
Her: Well, of course! I'm pregnant, after all!

Thank you all for the wording that you've provided.... I will definitely use it. And thank you again for your support. I promise that I didn't come to an etiquette board looking for emotional support, but how wonderful to find it! A long time ago, I remember reading something on this board to the effect of "the ability to get pregnant isn't like winning a prize....." something like that. Babies are going to continue to get born - just not to me - and it's very important to me that no one feels the need to "tiptoe" around me because of that. It's difficult now, but I don't want that always to be the case. (Side note: I am taking steps to come to terms with all of this - such as joining a gym! - so that I can move forward in a mentally and emotionally healthy way.)

Hugs.

It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected given such an emotional situation.

You certainly are not a snowflake but I don't think your friend is one either as some posters have stated. She is just an excited new mom who may even think that she is doing right by you to treat you like "normal." Most people (in my experience) don't know what to say or do during times of grieving and loss.

I think you should treat this as teaching moment for her. I really like Toot's wording, I think it strikes the perfect balance.