Author Topic: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37  (Read 8781 times)

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Psychopoesie

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2013, 01:50:00 AM »
You've received some great advice here.

Just chiming in to say I would also be upset if someone did this to me. Not cool to add another person to a trip you've arranged with someone else.

One thought - if she's already invited other friend, that is sort of her problem to deal with, not yours. You could just say "we've already made plans for a trip of our own. I'm not ok with adding another person. I'd be really disappointed to have to cancel our plans since i was looking forward to spending time with you. I'm sure you can work out another time to go with your other friend." That does put it back onto her to go to the friend and explain she's messed up with the dates.

Not sure I'd be brave enough to say that - depends on how you feel your friend would respond & whether you still want to do the trip.

PastryGoddess

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2013, 02:29:00 AM »
Parking my POD here with the others.  Your friend changed the nature of the trip and so you are fine to back out.  Reframing it as not wanting to intrude on special time between friend and friends coworker, leaves you smelling like roses and friend...not so much. 

She may be self aware enough to realize she made a boo boo.  If not, she has given you more information on who she is. 

YummyMummy66

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2013, 06:54:44 AM »
You are not in the wrong.  Your friend was rude to invite a third party without consulting you first.  Your ex sounds like a donkey's butt.  Don't pay attention to anything he has said.

I would just decline the event and say, "Friend, I am sorry, but I had wanted to spend some quality time with you.  Since that scenario has changed, why don't you enjoy the time you usually spend with other friend.".

Also Toots has some great things to say.

secretrebel

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2013, 07:54:31 AM »
Has she actually invited this friend yet? If so, I think you're fine to say "Actually, I'd prefer if it were just the two of us."

If she has already invited the friend (and it sounds like she has) I think you're absolutely fine in backing out. I'd go with the following wording:

"Hi [Friend],

I've decided to pull out of the trip. [Other friend] and I don't know each other that well, and I would have preferred it if it were the just the two of us, as we had originally planned. Further, I don't want to get in the way of your special thing. Hopefully we can do a day hike sometime soon.

Regards,
Drunken Housewife"


If your friend comes back saying "Oh, the more the merrier!" and "But this trip will be a great chance for you and [Other friend] to get to know each other better!" you can get a little blunter. Eg "I don't have much in common with [Other friend]. It wouldn't be a comfortable dynamic for me."

Parking a POD here. I think this is a great script.

GratefulMaria

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2013, 08:22:26 AM »
If you don't want to discuss any of this with her, just tell her you're bowing out because personal circumstances have changed.  You don't need to disclose that the circumstances pertain to the dynamics of the trip if you don't want to.

TootsNYC

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2013, 08:42:13 AM »
To add to this, it makes me feel a bit pathetic.  I feel that a normal person would not react like me and would be more outgoing and friendly than me and would figure that "the more, the merrier." 


If I were presented with this situation, I would also not go once the extra person was invited - it would peeve me no end that my friend changed our plans in fact.

I know you didn't ask for them but (((hugs)))

Here is where you are NOT AT ALL pathetic, Drunken Housewife.

I too would dislike this, and I can be a "the more, the merrier" type. (Of course, I also have a hyperdeveloped sense of boundaries sometimes.)

But I would be wimpy enough to go, and to just not enjoy it that much. I'd squander the free time and the camping energy, because I'd get very very little return for my investment (ROI--it's not just for money!).


bopper

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2013, 08:52:24 AM »
.

But make no mistake about it.  Most "normal" people don't like having plans changed on them unexpectedly, especially when the changes include spending close quarters and intimate time with someone you either don't know or don't especially like.


Ah, see, this may or may not be correct....If you are an extroverted person who does not like planning, then you probably would like "the more the merrier".  If you are introverted and like to plan (like many people here on e-hell), then it would drive you crazy.


But what is interesting to me is the friend did this to herself.  She felt guilty that she was going camping without Bossypants so she invited Bossypants.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2013, 08:54:06 AM by bopper »

Seraphia

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2013, 09:15:36 AM »
I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest.

Sure, there are some people who would go "Oh hey, you invited Bossypants? Great, I was thinking more people would make it more fun!" But that's certainly not everybody.

I've told this story before on here before, but once, I invited a friend on a shopping trip to spend a gift card. She invited another person to come along, and I rolled with it because "the more, the merrier," right? Not so much. After trying to change the day, the time and the city where we were going to shop (unsuccessfully, tyvm), (Un)invitedGal pouted, sighed, grouched and moaned through the whole afternoon, only cheering up after I offered to drive to and pay for dinner. No merrier about it.

Let her know that if she wants to camp with Bossypants, that's fine, but since you were planning on this being a trip for just the two of you, you're going to just bow out and let them have their 'special thing,' and the two of you can hang out another time. (aka, what doodlemoor said)
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Winterlight

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2013, 09:17:35 AM »
I'd be unthrilled with an unfamiliar person being added to a multiday trip with very close quarters too. You aren't unreasonable.
 
You've received some great advice here.
One thought - if she's already invited other friend, that is sort of her problem to deal with, not yours. You could just say "we've already made plans for a trip of our own. I'm not ok with adding another person. I'd be really disappointed to have to cancel our plans since i was looking forward to spending time with you. I'm sure you can work out another time to go with your other friend." That does put it back onto her to go to the friend and explain she's messed up with the dates.

Not sure I'd be brave enough to say that - depends on how you feel your friend would respond & whether you still want to do the trip.

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Zilla

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2013, 09:19:12 AM »
Perfectly normal and friend was rude to invite her coworker.


I would honestly tell them, "Oh I didn't realize it was your two's special thing.  I will do X thing another time, have fun!" And if she protests no I mean for all of us.  Just tell her, "I wouldn't want to intrude.  Truly it's alright.  Have fun."  Lather, rinse and repeat.  It's the partial truth and gets you out of it.  If she presses on you as to why you don't want to go, tell her that you don't click with her coworker. 

lowspark

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2013, 09:28:36 AM »
Pod to all PPs. Sometimes, yes, the more the merrier. But only when the original group agrees to that. It's rude to invite someone along for something like this without first asking the other person involved. It would be pretty rude even if it was a group of you going but a twosome? Nope. Really not OK.

I would just say something like, "Now that you invited your friend, it's really not the activity I had in mind so I'm going to bow out and let the two of you have your special thing and you and I can get together as originally planned some other time."

After the weekend passes, I'd just comment to the friend that in the future I'd appreciate it if she would ask me before inviting any one else to anything she and I plan together. Not in an angry way, just in a sort of, "heads up, this is my preference" way. She is definitely in the wrong but it's not worth making a big deal about it, especially after the fact. But it is worth letting her know not to do it again please.

Twik

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #26 on: September 24, 2013, 09:36:05 AM »
It can really depend on the person involved. If someone says, "Is it ok if Person3 comes along?", and you go, "Duh! Person3 would be a GREAT addition to the event! I should have thought of asking them myself," - well, it's OK to ask Person3. But if Person3 is someone the other person either doesn't know or knows and doesn't care for, the answer would be different.

Which is why the correct way to do this is to ask the people you've already made plans with before you ask Person3.
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acicularis

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2013, 09:47:05 AM »
If she hasn't yet asked the friend, there's nothing wrong with saying "I'd rather you didn't, since I was looking forward to this being for just the two of us."

If she's already asked her, then either "I think I'm going to have to give this a miss, since you've changed the plans, and it's not really the same event. Have a good time, and we'll try this again another time," or "Sorry to back out, but [insert excuse here, e.g.  my car needs repairs/I have a leak in the basement to deal with/the cat exploded].


Cami

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2013, 09:50:53 AM »
I would be most grateful for some help here, and it's a bit time sensitive.

Background:  I suggested to a friend of mine that we get together for a particular outdoor activity, and she had the idea that in order to do this, we should go away for a few days and go camping.  I was thinking more of doing it as a day thing, but I liked the idea of going away for a few days.  We went over our calendars and picked some dates.  I told my husband I wanted to go away with this friend for those days. 

So that sounded great.  But then my friend texted me today and said, "I hope you don't mind, but.." and said she felt she had to invite a friend of hers from her work to come along, because the camping destination is "their special thing" to do as friends and they didn't manage to do it this summer and time is running out as it's getting cold at night for camping and this other person is "great at camping."  (Note:  I have camped a lot, so I have all the equipment, am well-versed at putting up a tent & cooking on a camping stove, etc..). 

Now I just don't feel like going.  I have met this other person, and she's always come off to me as brusque and a bit bossy.  But I've never interacted with her a great deal, so perhaps under that exterior she might be one of the most fabulous people around.   having said that,  I don't feel like sleeping in a tent with her.  And if it's "their special thing", then I think I'll feel like a third wheel.  I don't feel like I'll be comfortable. 

To add to this, it makes me feel a bit pathetic.  I feel that a normal person would not react like me and would be more outgoing and friendly than me and would figure that "the more, the merrier."  I was told that by an ex before when I was unhappy that people I didn't know were invited along on a trip, and it's stuck with me.   I feel also that when I break off plans, I will hurt my friend's feelings.   But I've been under a lot of stress this year and am seeing a psychiatrist, and under my psychiatrist's advice I'm supposed to be avoiding situations where I feel socially rejected.  Going away with someone I don't know who doesn't feel like a warm, welcoming person feels like a risk for me... and it was supposed to be a fun, relaxing getaway.  Sigh.

Any suggestions?  I suppose I should tell a white lie and say that some family stuff has come up, my husband doesn't want me to go, blah blah blah...  I don't like being dishonest, but I don't want to come out and say, "I don't want to go with your friend and I can't believe you invited someone else without asking!"
I'm as extroverted as they come and I would be ticked off at having my plans changed like that. So it's not about not being "the more the merrier type."

It is about the rudeness and presumption of unilaterally changing plans in a substantive way without consulting you.

.

But make no mistake about it.  Most "normal" people don't like having plans changed on them unexpectedly, especially when the changes include spending close quarters and intimate time with someone you either don't know or don't especially like.


Ah, see, this may or may not be correct....If you are an extroverted person who does not like planning, then you probably would like "the more the merrier".  If you are introverted and like to plan (like many people here on e-hell), then it would drive you crazy.


But what is interesting to me is the friend did this to herself.  She felt guilty that she was going camping without Bossypants so she invited Bossypants.
For the record, I'm an event planner, so therefore I'm an extrovert who likes to plan. So are all of the event planners I know. Not an introvert in the bunch. My dh is an introvert who does not plan at all. So I think the extrovert/introvert dichotomy in terms of planning is a red herring.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2013, 10:05:48 AM by Cami »

Drunken Housewife

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #29 on: September 24, 2013, 10:14:51 AM »
My friend I need the help with is an extreme extrovert who is a planner.  She can get along with just about anyone (she dislikes plenty of people but can get along with them). 

I really appreciate the advice and also the kind feedback that I am "normal" in not feeling up to another person coming on this.  I just don't think I would be able to relax and let myself go.  I will respond to my friend later today (she sent me an email asking if I got her text) and will update.

Thank you, everyone!
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