Author Topic: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37  (Read 7486 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2013, 10:25:48 AM »
There's nothing abnormal about the way you feel AT ALL.  I think most people would feel the same way.  Your trip was hi-jacked.  That was not a nice thing for your friend to do.  I think you can tell her you don't feel like going anymore, and if she's dumb enough to ask why, then be honest with her.
I so agree with this.

If you don't want to tell her why you no longer want to go, then do a small fib.

"Oh friend, I'm so happy co-worker is going with you. After looking at our schedule I realized I shouldn't have committed to that weekend as I really have too much going on and was starting to feel stressed. So now I can back out without feeling guilty. You guys have a great time."

TootsNYC

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2013, 10:37:04 AM »
My friend I need the help with is an extreme extrovert who is a planner.  She can get along with just about anyone (she dislikes plenty of people but can get along with them). 

I really appreciate the advice and also the kind feedback that I am "normal" in not feeling up to another person coming on this.  I just don't think I would be able to relax and let myself go.  I will respond to my friend later today (she sent me an email asking if I got her text) and will update.

Thank you, everyone!

I've been thinking about this friend.

Does she do this sort of thing often?

She's essentially taken your proposed get-together and made it HER event to control. You proposed a smaller get-together with an express purpose; SHE decided it needed to be camping, etc., and pushed you into it. Then SHE decided to change the attendance list.

Does she do this a lot? I'm betting, based on your description.

It might be worth developing a push-back phrase: "Susie, you're taking over my plans. If you don't want to get together for the afternoon to work on [our fencing moves for SCA*], then let's just not do it. I don't want to make this more elaborate."

or "Susie, making this a big camping trip is not what I was proposing. Do you want to do what *I* proposed?"

If she does this sort of thing often, I'd either be working up a phrase to use, or I'd be having a heart-felt convo about it to set the stage for future social plans, or I'd be just pulling back and finding a different "fencing" partner.



*I made this up--tried to think of some activity that needed to be practiced and that would be good to practice while camping.

lowspark

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2013, 10:57:20 AM »
I wouldn't fib. I'd make sure she understood that inviting someone else without first asking me was a no-no so that she doesn't do it again. If you make up excuses for why you aren't going, she's not going to see that what she did was wrong and she will more than likely do it again. It's best to be honest in a friendship or the friendship can suffer.

Drunken Housewife

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2013, 12:11:45 PM »
Okay!  This morning she emailed me a weather forecast for the camping spot, and (sad for me as I'm canceling) the weather forecast was perfect.   I couldn't stall responding any longer, since yesterday there was the text, an email asking if I'd gotten the text, and this one about the fabulous weather. 

Because of this topic (thanks, people), I didn't do a white lie.  I wrote, "Hey, sweetie, since it's your special thing to do with NameDeleted, I feel like I should bow out (I don't know her well enough to be comfortable doing that SpecificDeleted activity).  It's not that long since I came back from Burning Man, also; I shouldn't push Husband's patience too much.  I'll see you soon."

I appreciate the input.  I think my friend is genuinely a "the more, the merrier" kind of person, and so if I were to suddenly invite someone to come along, she wouldn't mind it so much, and so she doesn't get it.  She does know I'm fragile these days, but she also has the attitude (which she came out and said not long ago) that I have it easy and should buck up.   

In this topic she comes off as a lousy friend, but she is a warm, wonderful person, really.  We've been friends since the eighties... over twenty years. 
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wyliefool

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2013, 12:32:53 PM »
I can think of few activities that lend themselves less well to 'more the merrier' than camping.

Also, anyone that would tell someone who's actually in a bad enuf way to go to a psychiatrist 'you have it easy and shd buck up' needs to be swatted in the face w/ a day-old trout.  >:(

Minmom3

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2013, 01:13:24 PM »
At some point, OP, you might want to tell your friend that her coworker is HER friend, not yours, and that you have no interest in camping with the woman.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Drunken Housewife

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #36 on: September 24, 2013, 01:25:18 PM »
Update:  my friend responded promptly, and the trip is back on.  She said the other friend was "bemoaning" that they hadn't taken this camping trip this summer (they went there a couple of times last year together) and it made her feel guilty to go there with someone else and not invite that other friend, but she will cover by telling this friend that we went camping somewhere else.   Apparently the reason the two of them didn't take this trip again this year is that the 3d person was very busy, but now she is, in my friend's word, "bemoaning" that they didn't, and my friend felt guilty.

So that is all worked out!  I was honest in a tactful way about not wanting to go if this other person went (which is thanks to this thread), and my friend then decided to honor our original plan and do so in a way that doesn't upset her other friend.  Glad to have a solution.
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Petticoats

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #37 on: September 24, 2013, 01:32:43 PM »
Great update, OP! I'm so glad things worked out so well.

peaches

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #38 on: September 24, 2013, 01:44:09 PM »
I'm glad it's working out as originally planned.

And it's good to see that when you stick up for yourself, in a polite way, the world (or a friendship) doesn't have to come to an end.

lowspark

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #39 on: September 24, 2013, 01:48:44 PM »
Yippee! Good for you for handling it so nicely and good for her for also doing the right thing.
Have a fun trip!

Seraphia

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #40 on: September 24, 2013, 01:50:43 PM »
Good for you!!  ;D

I'm serious. I know it's tough to feel like the "wet blanket" or whatever just because you don't want to change your plans to accommodate another person. But you aren't the wet blanket at all. You just happen to want to camp with *just* your friend, and now you get to. I hope you have fun!
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Danika

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #41 on: September 24, 2013, 02:50:37 PM »
Good for you! Great update.

And if she tells you again "you have it easy. You should buck up" you should reply "You know very little about my life. You are not an authority on me. Your advice is hurtful, not helpful."

Have a fun camping weekend!

SamiHami

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #42 on: September 24, 2013, 03:06:23 PM »
How about, "Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude on your special thing, so you two have fun. Just let me know when you are available to get together with me and we can make some plans."

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

jaxsue

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #43 on: September 24, 2013, 04:05:00 PM »
.

But make no mistake about it.  Most "normal" people don't like having plans changed on them unexpectedly, especially when the changes include spending close quarters and intimate time with someone you either don't know or don't especially like.


Ah, see, this may or may not be correct....If you are an extroverted person who does not like planning, then you probably would like "the more the merrier".  If you are introverted and like to plan (like many people here on e-hell), then it would drive you crazy.


But what is interesting to me is the friend did this to herself.  She felt guilty that she was going camping without Bossypants so she invited Bossypants.

Per the bolded: I am an extrovert and I like to plan!   :)

OP: IMO your reaction is quite normal. I'd feel the same way. I would not be happy about the changed in plans - changes that will totally change the experience. I would bow out this time.

quietgirl

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #44 on: September 24, 2013, 05:13:51 PM »
Great update!  And my I add, that's a good friend.