Author Topic: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37  (Read 8783 times)

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cwm

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #45 on: September 25, 2013, 10:32:06 AM »
That's a great update, I'm glad to hear it! Yay for camping with your friend without Bossypants coming along as well. Have a great time and enjoy yourself!

bloo

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #46 on: September 25, 2013, 12:56:24 PM »
I enjoyed reading as you worked out the problem through to a solution! Good job!

I just wanted to join the chorus that it's totally normal to not react like 'the more the merrier' in every social situation. Some times I feel that way but most times I don't.

HoneyBee42

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans
« Reply #47 on: September 26, 2013, 09:41:31 AM »
But make no mistake about it.  Most "normal" people don't like having plans changed on them unexpectedly, especially when the changes include spending close quarters and intimate time with someone you either don't know or don't especially like.

Ah, see, this may or may not be correct....If you are an extroverted person who does not like planning, then you probably would like "the more the merrier".  If you are introverted and like to plan (like many people here on e-hell), then it would drive you crazy.

But what is interesting to me is the friend did this to herself.  She felt guilty that she was going camping without Bossypants so she invited Bossypants.
For the record, I'm an event planner, so therefore I'm an extrovert who likes to plan. So are all of the event planners I know. Not an introvert in the bunch. My dh is an introvert who does not plan at all. So I think the extrovert/introvert dichotomy in terms of planning is a red herring.
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Well, I think there are two elements--they don't have to match up, so that you have two dichotomies--extrovert/introvert and planner/non-planner.

Extrovert/non-planner:  more the merrier, thinks nothing wrong w/ inviting someone else to join in on activity/event

Extrovert/planner:  more the merrier, but must plan on inviting people either from the outset or after consulting w/ original invitees about an addition

Introvert/non-planner:  does not want to include extra people, but may be able to take spontaneous changes ok

Introvert/planner:  doesn't want to include extras, wants things planned out, spontaneous changes are *not* ok

I think the planning/non-planning is related to one of the different dichotomies in the Myers-Briggs.  I know that for me, just the adding of another person would probably make me want to not participate, even if it was planned.

Example--Im' an introvert-planner:  my brother got married in another state.  My parents live about 3 hrs drive from me, but going direct from where they live to my brother's is 12 hrs, while it is 10 hrs from my place to brother's (basically, I'm almost due south of my parents, brother is south east to them and almost directly east to me).  Original plan:  my parents were going to come get me, we would drive to brother's, two hotel rooms, theirs and mine.  Then they changed to adding a friend of brother's from their town and two rooms, dad sharing w/ friend, mom sharing w/ me.  I started to say 'well ok' but was *really* unhappy.  So then I decided "I'm a grown up, I can pay my way, I am *not* going to put up with wanting to cry because of this change" (that's really how bad it was, just the thought of sharing the ride for 10 hrs w/ a stranger-to-me--my brother is 7 years younger than I am, so I was out of the house when he was in high school where he met this friend--friend came over to parents' house a lot so not a stranger to my parents).  So, I ended up renting my own car, we both drove separately, I got my own motel room, etc.  But even knowing ahead of time the plan was something I just couldn't cope w/ because of the lengthy time w/ a stranger.

I'm glad all has worked out for the OP.

Danika

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #48 on: September 26, 2013, 12:12:14 PM »
On the Myers-Briggs, I'm moderate. Slightly on the extrovert side, but still very close to the middle so not really a true extrovert or an introvert. But I know from experience, I'm a huge planner. I do not like surprises. In my case, it's because in my childhood every time some adult in charge wanted to get their way, they'd just drop a bomb on me. They'd tell me the plans were X, and then at the last minute, make a huge change, and the change was always negative. My experiences growing up taught me that all last minute changes of plans were bad and would make me miserable. And that anytime the phone rang or there was a knock at the door, it was some mooch family member who needed me to stop what I was doing, to bend over backwards to do them a huge favor and it would ruin my whole day if not my whole week.

You won't be surprised to hear that now, if I'm not expecting anyone, I don't answer the doorbell, and rarely answer the phone.

So now in my adult life, I have a hard time accepting changes of plans. Even if I planned to do something unpleasant all day like unclogging the garbage disposal and cleaning bathrooms, and then someone comes along suddenly with free tickets to the amusement park (I love roller coasters), I still hesitate and feel backed into a corner and have to think about it for a moment before I can be ok with the change of plans.

cwm

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #49 on: September 26, 2013, 12:18:06 PM »
I'm an introver-planner-with-a-side-of-anxiety. I don't like crowds. Last night was the perfect night with BF, we sat around, ate dinner, watched TV. That's it. Just us.

When things change suddenly on me, I get freaked out. When I feel pressure to socialize, I get freaked out. When I plan an event, I plan every last detail and have contingency plans. When BF plans an event, he invites people over and whoever shows up shows up. Whoever they bring also shows up. If they don't show up until after midnight, well, at least they made it. If they want to stay up drinking until 5AM, that's fine, at least they're having a good time.

I'm learning to go more with the flow so he can enjoy himself. (He hates all the planning I do, says it's too much.) In turn, he's learning that setting some boundaries is good and letting me know well ahead of time is also good. And changing plans suddenly is bad. He's seen me through panic attacks, and I'm pretty sure nobody wants it to happen again.

PastryGoddess

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #50 on: September 26, 2013, 01:02:32 PM »
I'm an INTJ aka Extroverted-Introvert :P.  I'm also a meeting planner.  I work with a lot of Extroverted-Extroverts.  They are all more the merrier type people.  However, they respect other people's preferences who are not more the merrier type people and adjust their behavior or plans to suit.

TootsNYC

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #51 on: September 26, 2013, 01:21:12 PM »
I'm an extrovert.

I like to plan, and I like to be spontaneous.

And I would have been annoyed w/ the OP's friend and her changing the plans.

I don't think introvert/extrovert is really all the relevant here. Nor is planning/not planning.

Deetee

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #52 on: September 27, 2013, 02:39:03 AM »
I'm an INTJ aka Extroverted-Introvert :P.  I'm also a meeting planner.  I work with a lot of Extroverted-Extroverts.  They are all more the merrier type people.  However, they respect other people's preferences who are not more the merrier type people and adjust their behavior or plans to suit.

I just took that test and got the same letters. Maybe I should invite you over to visit and we could read books together or something?

Piratelvr1121

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #53 on: September 27, 2013, 06:54:39 AM »
I don't remember all the letters from when I took the test, but I know I am an introvert.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

PastryGoddess

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Re: need some quick help to respond tactfully to changed plans UPDATE #33, #37
« Reply #54 on: September 27, 2013, 09:20:59 AM »
I'm an INTJ aka Extroverted-Introvert :P.  I'm also a meeting planner.  I work with a lot of Extroverted-Extroverts.  They are all more the merrier type people.  However, they respect other people's preferences who are not more the merrier type people and adjust their behavior or plans to suit.

I just took that test and got the same letters. Maybe I should invite you over to visit and we could read books together or something?

:)  Me and my mom used to do that.  it's like the room is filled with contentment and peace, so relaxing. 

I also like reading the newspaper with other people as well.