Author Topic: Hosting friend with food issues  (Read 7669 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2013, 10:07:36 AM »
Everyone has baggage. Emily is treating you like her unpaid Sherpa and is refusing to even attempt to carry her own. Not OK.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2013, 01:04:08 PM »
I think it's time girl's night became a potluck. Everyone brings their favorite dish, and worries about their own dietary restrictions.

I agree. A year and a half is a long time for you to bear all the burden of feeding everyone.

You can still have fun making food, etc., but you need to open it up if only so that you can say to her, in private:
    "You need to bring something you can eat. I'm not anymore going to cater to you with the menu for girl's night.
    "And you need to develop your own willpower, and stop yourself from eating carbs that are bad for you."

And then when she has a panic attack over the truffles, get annoyed. Treat her like the drama queen she is being. Be the teensiest bit scornful: "You know you have diabetes--nobody made you eat that. Enough already."
   If she keeps going, get her coat, "Well, since you're not feeling well, I think we should send you home."

And I think you can say to her, in private: "your constant conversation about your dietary restrictions, and your panic attacks over the carbs you eat, are ruining the vibe of girl's night. Specifically, they're stressed me out. Please stop."

I do like the "I'm worried about your health in terms of your anxiety" approach.

But otherwise, here's a very simple tactic that fits with my "Don't talk about your boundaries; live them" philosophy.

Tell everyone that you want them to bring a dish--it's too much for you to provide all the food every time. They need to bring something.

Then make whatever the heck you want. Fish with walnuts and onions, is my vote. And fresh veggies.

And then EVERY time she makes the tiniest comment about food, especially negative, but maybe even neutral, or has a panic attack or anything at all, look at her as though she has two heads. And say NOTHING.
   Don't even beandip. Say nothing.

Don't know how to do that look? Find a teenager and ask them to teach you.

And never, ever discuss a menu in advance with her again.

It's basic behavior modification

z_squared82

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2013, 02:21:11 PM »
Yeah...I'm also for the potluck.

As a more helpful suggestion, I offer my best friend K as an example. K hates chicken. Period. End of discussion. Doesn’t even like things cooked in chicken stock/broth. So how do I accommodate her? I always have salad and usually have bread available for her when I make dinner. Find one dish your friend will always eat and always make it as her alternative.

that_one_girl

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2013, 06:09:00 PM »
Sounds like Emily and hubby are located in the middle of the Special Snowflake snowstorm.
Don't let them snow on your parade!

Clearly she is not on as strict of a diet as she says since she is eating the potato chips and thick crust pizza.  She is using her "special diet requirements" to draw attention to herself and to make others feel badly for not catering to her every whim.

My family is fraught with people on special dietary restrictions.  The menu for family gatherings is set by whomever is hosting that particular gathering.   Sometimes the family member who has the allergy/restriction brings their own special food  (i.e. the aunt with a gluten allergy brings her own GF roll when the menu is "Make Your Own Sandwiches") and sometimes family members will make a small portion for the person who has the restrictions (i.e. the cousin who always makes her famous layered salad makes a smaller one without the sour cream topping for the uncle who HATES sour cream)

I think the best tactic is to put out the menu prior to the event and let everyone know that if they need something special, it is up to them to arrange it. 
That being said, it would be a good idea to have the menus run along the "Make Your Own _______" theme (think sandwiches, pita bread pizzas, pasta with various sauces/toppings, Mongolian Grill style stir fry, etc) that way, it is easy for those with allergies/dietary restrictions/religious reasons/strong preferences/etc. to easily manage to avoid what they are not allowed to eat (i.e. make an open-face sandwich, take a smaller portion of noodles, omit certain ingredients, etc). 
 
Finally, it is the responsibility of the person who has the food issues to avoid the temptation to eat what they are not supposed to eat.   It's very, very nice of you to try to accommodate your friends' tastes and dietary restrictions, BUT you are not required to make everyone eat according to one person's tastes/restrictions at a group gathering like the ones you have described.

Lindee

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2013, 10:04:59 PM »
I am also doing the low carb bit for the last few months. It is working well for me with "no sugars, no grains and no refined foods" but that is my choice of food restriction and I don't want to make it anyone else's problem.  My tennis group know about my diet as my weight loss is now noticeable and they asked about it but I don't bring it up otherwise. When it is someone's birthday the birthday girl brings in morning tea but if I don't bring it to anyone's attention that I'm passing on the cake no one really notices that I'm only nibbling on a carrot or celery stick off the dip plate and when mine comes around I'll bake something, probably a lemon baked cheesecake as they especially like that, even though I won't eat it, as well as a salad plate because, well, it is not all about me.

You have a lot more patience with these outrageous demands and attention seeking performances than I would have.  If you are still willing to host these nights (I'm hoping your guests reciprocate in some other way and not just expect you to cater for them) then ignore her attempts to hijack and control the menu and limelight and just make what you want to make and enjoy the night.

Venus193

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2013, 10:50:14 PM »
I agree.  She is trying to become the center of attention with her food issues.  Don't put up with it.

I called someone out on this for the very same behavior.  I haven't heard her do any more self-flagellation rants in months.

hannahmollysmom

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #36 on: September 26, 2013, 01:03:22 AM »
It's nice to accommodate someone's dietary issues. It's not necessary to accommodate their hypocrisy.

I haven't read to the bottom, but this stood out for me. I am also diabetic, I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but grew up with a Type 1 Mom. I'm type II. While at home, I try to follow a strict diet, I would never expect a host to accommodate me. I would just avoid what I shouldn't eat. I admit I cheat once in a while as I miss some foods, but she is just being too controlling.

I would no longer invite her! She is just too out there for me! She needs to get a grip, and provide what she thinks she should eat.

hannahmollysmom

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #37 on: September 26, 2013, 01:08:23 AM »
It's nice to accommodate someone's dietary issues. It's not necessary to accommodate their hypocrisy.

I haven't read to the bottom, but this stood out for me. I am also diabetic, I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but grew up with a Type 1 Mom. I'm type II. While at home, I try to follow a strict diet, I would never expect a host to accommodate me. I would just avoid what I shouldn't eat. I admit I cheat once in a while as I miss some foods, but she is just being too controlling.

I would no longer invite her! She is just too out there for me! She needs to get a grip, and provide what she thinks she should eat.

Edit to say, according to my dietician, I don't cheat, I indulge.

Venus193

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #38 on: September 26, 2013, 06:30:40 AM »
I sometimes also binge on stuff I should limit, but restrictions aren't absolute verbotens for most diabetics.  Emily is being a Special Snowflake and an attention-grabber.  It sounds like she likes to manipulate people.

This is unacceptable.  People like this are quickly ejected from my life, especially if their Speshulness costs me any effort or money.  I vote for an ultimatum.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #39 on: September 26, 2013, 06:47:03 AM »
First of all, I think you need to stop doing all the hosting.  You are offering your house and you should not have to cook everything at your expense also.  You do this weekly?

From now on, I would be doing this as a potluck and everyone brings something. 

This friend can then bring something that she can eat and she can stop beyotching about what is being served.

"Dear Friends, since originally hosting this event and as nature continues, (a nice refeerence to us all growing older!), there have been more dietary issues to consider, mine included, when preparing meals.  I will no longer be preparing a complete meal for these events, but am asking everyone to bring an item to share."   You can do a nice spread of appetizers and desserts and it will seem like a meal.

If they are true friends, they will not mind.  (If they were true friends, in my opinion, they would have offered before now.  Maybe they have).     If gal in question in the OP would say something, I might reply, "Susie, it seems that you always find something to complain about.  One might wonder why you even bother coming to an event that it appears you do not enjoy?".  Put the spot on her where it belongs.   And if she complains about the food, "Susie, I am sorry. I do try and accomodate your needs, but every week you say something different.  I made two pizzas, you ate the one you stated you could not eat.  I made......, you ate what you told me you could not eat.  I just cannot keep up with your changes every week.  So, we are going to potluck.  Since you know more of what you can and cannot eat, I would not think this to be a problem".

that_one_girl

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #40 on: September 26, 2013, 09:17:51 AM »
It's nice to accommodate someone's dietary issues. It's not necessary to accommodate their hypocrisy.

I haven't read to the bottom, but this stood out for me. I am also diabetic, I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but grew up with a Type 1 Mom. I'm type II. While at home, I try to follow a strict diet, I would never expect a host to accommodate me. I would just avoid what I shouldn't eat. I admit I cheat once in a while as I miss some foods, but she is just being too controlling.

I would no longer invite her! She is just too out there for me! She needs to get a grip, and provide what she thinks she should eat.

Edit to say, according to my dietician, I don't cheat, I indulge.

I told my husband to stop calling our off-diet days "cheat days" because that gave me guilt and anxiety ... but instead to call them "treat days"

TootsNYC

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #41 on: September 27, 2013, 01:51:54 PM »
Sounds like Emily and hubby are located in the middle of the Special Snowflake snowstorm.


Hubby isn't! He's embarrassed when Emily starts on his issues.

It's completely fine in your own home to express to your spouse your food preferences, etc. So he's fine w/ that.

But EMILY is the one dragging those preferences into other people's homes.

Hubby has actually said that he's sort of interested in trying other foods, and that the OP shouldn't bother catering to him.

ladyknight1

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #42 on: September 27, 2013, 07:43:13 PM »
OP, I hope things work better in the future. I would make these events pot luck meals to make it easier on everyone.

that_one_girl

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2013, 03:17:25 PM »
Sounds like Emily and hubby are located in the middle of the Special Snowflake snowstorm.


Hubby isn't! He's embarrassed when Emily starts on his issues.

It's completely fine in your own home to express to your spouse your food preferences, etc. So he's fine w/ that.

But EMILY is the one dragging those preferences into other people's homes.

Hubby has actually said that he's sort of interested in trying other foods, and that the OP shouldn't bother catering to him.

Sorry. I wasn't trying to snark Emily's hubby ... I just meant that Emily dragged him into the special snowflake snowstorm when she made his likes and dislikes along with her own into this huge deal. 

Maybe Emily's hubby and OP need to throw Emily an intervention at the next potluck night?

mechtilde

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Re: Hosting friend with food issues
« Reply #44 on: September 30, 2013, 03:16:06 AM »
Maybe Emily's hubby and OP need to throw Emily an intervention at the next potluck night?

Not such a good idea- something like this should not be done in public. In fact any kind of intervention might make things far far worse- it sounds as though Emily needs professional help which is beyond what the OP can provide.

The other posters suggestions about ways of not pandering to her behaviour such as potlucks etc would be a better way to go.
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