I'd like to host Thanksgiving

[SPuck]

Green Bean, your expectations of holding the holiday are no rigid at all. I also think that a healthy person bringing out the "I have only so much time left" excuse is kind of nasty.

[Shoo]

Green Bean, your expectations of holding the holiday are no rigid at all. I also think that a healthy person bringing out the "I have only so much time left" excuse is kind of nasty.

Yes, it is.  It's manipulative.

None of us knows how much time we have left.

[cwm]

I'm glad my family has never worried too much about holidays and hosting.

OP, I think you're right to explain to your MIL about your family's traditions and how you want to pass them on to the girls. Then explain to her that you will be hosting TG at your home this year. If she is available that day and would like to come over for it, an invitation is extended to her. And if she plans on celebrating it on another day when SIL is available and you're willing, let her know that you'd be happy to come to that dinner that she's hosting.

MIL may not consider it TG unless all of her family is there and she's giving thanks for having such a great family and the health and well-being enough to host it. You may put more focus on the actual day and specific meals. Neither of you is wrong, and what's the problem in trying it both ways for a year to see how it works?

[Erich L-ster]

In my family, everyone makes their own Thanksgiving dinner. There is the dinner with everybody and then we make our own either later that day or the next day. That way we can be sure to get all the leftovers and all the dishes that are our favorites.

[ilrag]

You know what? I think I do.  I've been thinking about this. For the past 10 years, since we moved to DH's hometown, I have been celebrating every family holiday according to DH's traditions.  I have come to realize that my family's traditions are disappearing, and I am not having the chance to share them with my daughters. My grandparents and parents are all deceased, so they aren't even around to tell my girls what our family holidays were like.

I understand MIL has the desire that our kids have memories of holidays at her house. But you know what? They will. She hosts Xmas Eve every year as well as Easter.

When I explained this to DH last night, he understood where I was coming from and thought my feelings were valid. We will see MIL tonight, so I would like to discuss it again.

Oh that's great that your DH is on board.  What happened with MIL?

[Green Bean]

I spoke with MIL this evening, and I feel pretty good with the resolution. They had a few suggestions including me taking other holidays, etc. Then she mentioned how she waited for so many years to host because when her kids were little, they always had to travel. (Her mom made her expectations loud and clear, and she fell in line.) She mentioned that there were only so many years DH's would be able to host. I countered that my grandma cooked the entire meal singlehandedly until she was 90+, and that I wasn't prepared to take the chance that my turn came when my kids were grown. She promised it wouldn't be that many years.

So we attempted a compromise. I offered up the next 2 years to her, and then the holiday was mine. She requested 3. I closed the deal with the promise of yearly reminders until my turn came up.  (I should have requested a real turkey while I was at it.)    So, I didn't completely get my way, but I'm okay with a relatively short-term deadline.

[cwm]

I'm glad you got a good resolution and had an actual talk with MIL about it. It sounds like she's a very nice woman, it's just that her holiday ideas don't line up with yours. And honestly, if that's the worst between you, you're set.

[CocoCamm]

I spoke with MIL this evening, and I feel pretty good with the resolution. They had a few suggestions including me taking other holidays, etc. Then she mentioned how she waited for so many years to host because when her kids were little, they always had to travel. (Her mom made her expectations loud and clear, and she fell in line.) She mentioned that there were only so many years DH's would be able to host. I countered that my grandma cooked the entire meal singlehandedly until she was 90+, and that I wasn't prepared to take the chance that my turn came when my kids were grown. She promised it wouldn't be that many years.

So we attempted a compromise. I offered up the next 2 years to her, and then the holiday was mine. She requested 3. I closed the deal with the promise of yearly reminders until my turn came up.  (I should have requested a real turkey while I was at it.)    So, I didn't completely get my way, but I'm okay with a relatively short-term deadline.

You are a very patient soul. I don't know that I would be able to wait 3 years to host an event I so deeply desired. I know it's already been ironed out and I completely understand if you don't want to go back to the drawing board but did you consider rotating the day back and forth? We did this on my moms side of the family with Christmas for several years. It worked out well.

[Lynnv]

It sounds like you and your MIL have worked out a compromise that works, more or less, for both of you.  Which, I suppose, is why it is a compromise rather than an outright win.   

I would suggest that, since your MIL doesn't always hold her Feast of St. Turkey on the actual day of Thanksgiving, that you start making your own feast for yourself and your immediate family on the day.  It will let you start working out what kind of menu and style works for you when you get the holiday.  You can experiment with recipes in smaller sizes to see if there are things that need changing or updating.  And it will make you feel better about having the traditional dishes and leftovers for the holiday, even if your MIL is holding the larger family celebration on a different day.  Or at least it would make ME feel better were I in your shoes.

[Hmmmmm]

I agree that you can go ahead and start "perfecting" your holiday meal over the next few years. If MIL makes TDay dinner on the actual day, then you make a second one that following Saturday or Sunday and include your kids in the preparation. If she doesn't make it on the actual day, then you do one just for your family.

TDay is big in my family. The customary food is a huge part of it. My sister's and I have been known to travel home to make our "traditional" Tday recipes just for our immediate families more than once. The first time I did it was after listening to my DH and kids whine for the 4 hour drive from Dallas to Houston about how bad the turkey was, how dry the dressing was, and where was the pecan pie. The next time was after we had spent a week at Disney World that fell over the TDay holiday. They were terribly dissapointed in the quality of the TDay dinner we paid way to much for at Disney so the a weekend later we did a full Tday feast with another family who had also not experienced Tday as they were accustomed. After that trip, I put my foot down and said we'd never travel over Tday again.

[Roe]

Honestly, I think you got a raw deal.  You want to host while your girls are young? Do it!  You want to share your family traditions and create new ones? So do it!  You certainly don't need your MIL's permission to do so.

[Shoo]

Honestly, I think you got a raw deal.  You want to host while your girls are young? Do it!  You want to share your family traditions and create new ones? So do it!  You certainly don't need your MIL's permission to do so.

I so agree with this.  It sounds like your MIL got her way AGAIN.  You don't get to have your own family Thanksgiving for how many years now?  Frankly, I am kind of surprised you agreed to that, based on what you posted in your OP. 

It doesn't sound like compromise to me.  It sounds like you lost, plain and simple.

[sammycat]

Honestly, I think you got a raw deal.  You want to host while your girls are young? Do it!  You want to share your family traditions and create new ones? So do it!  You certainly don't need your MIL's permission to do so.

I so agree with this.  It sounds like your MIL got her way AGAIN.  You don't get to have your own family Thanksgiving for how many years now?  Frankly, I am kind of surprised you agreed to that, based on what you posted in your OP. 

It doesn't sound like compromise to me.  It sounds like you lost, plain and simple.

I totally agree with Roe and Shoo.

MIL also gets Easter and Christmas? As well as TG?  And she refuses to give just one of them up? She sounds totally controlling and selfish to me. I'd have given her plans the flick a long time ago.

ETA:  If it were me, I'd call MIL back and say that you've had time to think things over and waiting 2 years just isn't going to work, and that you/DH/Children will be staying home this year and starting your own traditions. MIL is welcome to join you, but you won't be going to her house.

[CookieChica]

Honestly, I think you got a raw deal.  You want to host while your girls are young? Do it!  You want to share your family traditions and create new ones? So do it!  You certainly don't need your MIL's permission to do so.

I so agree with this.  It sounds like your MIL got her way AGAIN.  You don't get to have your own family Thanksgiving for how many years now?  Frankly, I am kind of surprised you agreed to that, based on what you posted in your OP. 

It doesn't sound like compromise to me.  It sounds like you lost, plain and simple.

I totally agree with Roe and Shoo.

MIL also gets Easter and Christmas? As well as TG?  And she refuses to give just one of them up? She sounds totally controlling and selfish to me. I'd have given her plans the flick a long time ago.

ETA:  If it were me, I'd call MIL back and say that you've had time to think things over and waiting 2 years just isn't going to work, and that you/DH/Children will be staying home this year and starting your own traditions. MIL is welcome to join you, but you won't be going to her house.

This option seems like it would lead to a huge blow-up. If MIL had agreed to let OP host this year and then called and said, "I changed my mind. I will be cooking Thanksgiving this year and you're welcome to join us" I don't think we would call that reasonable. OP made an agreement and she can cancel that agreement but should be prepared for major family strife.

[Green Bean]

I can see how it looks like I got the shirt end of the stick. I probably should have requested to switch off or something. I actually have a different battle I'm fighting for Christmas this year. One a year is enough with this family so I don't always look like the bad guy making waves. They like easy going people that go along. I do that enough and am fairly easy going, but when something is important to me, I make my feelings known.

Anyway, I feel that MIL caters to SIL to the extent that we are expected to just fall in line. When she was here, she told me that she needed to reschedule Xmas eve be side SIL's child was singing In Church that evening. They would then be going to SIL's for pizza. So, she wanted to have Xmas eve on the 23rd or something. I mentioned that I was working that day, and so I probably couldn't come too early. (I'm the only I one that works in a non-school setting so everyone else is free.) so then she invited us to their church service. I don't want to ho to an event where inviting us has clearly been an afterthought by someone not even hosting. DH doesn't want to go either. So, they will want to reschedule our families' Xmas celebration. I'm cooking my turkey day dinner the weekend before Christmas so we have a bunch if days for leftovers. I'm not sure when the celebration will take place.

Sorry for the ramble.