Author Topic: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE  (Read 16923 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2013, 10:19:19 AM »
I would stress that nagging tends to create distate, not enthusiasm. The more he exclaims over how he can't believe that you don't LOVE Halloween the more you will lose ehat enthusiasm you do feel.

Thipu1

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2013, 10:39:03 AM »
Personally, I love all holidays and Halloween is a favorite.  Mr. Thipu doesn't get excited over any holidays.  This causes a bit of a problem because Halloween is also his birthday.  For the candy distribution he will put on a chef's jacket and a toque but that's as far as he'll go.

On the other hand, he is almost obsessive about weather patterns and tracking ships.  We co-exist. 

Other posters have offered excellent ideas.  When he starts harping on Halloween, make the comparison with something that you love but leaves him cold.  That's the most gentle way to go. 

Cami

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2013, 01:56:21 PM »
I think the problem of lack of holiday enthusiasm is  a difficult one to solve, because in my experience, when you have a partner who is not showing enthusiasm for a holiday, it can really dampen one's enjoyment of it, which can negatively affect your quality of life.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2013, 03:10:41 PM »
I would stress that nagging tends to create distate, not enthusiasm. The more he exclaims over how he can't believe that you don't LOVE Halloween the more you will lose ehat enthusiasm you do feel.

That is how I feel: Honey, I get that you love Halloween.  But when you harp on me not loving it as much as you do, it actually kills what enthusiasm I do have.  Let me come along slowly.  I will never love it as much as you, but you can't force someone to love something.
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AnnaJ

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2013, 03:33:46 PM »
I think the problem of lack of holiday enthusiasm is  a difficult one to solve, because in my experience, when you have a partner who is not showing enthusiasm for a holiday, it can really dampen one's enjoyment of it, which can negatively affect your quality of life.

And the reverse is also true - having a partner who is overly enthusiastic (saying things like 'I can't believe you don't like X') can also negatively impact your quality of life.  That's why it's great to have friends who share your enthusiasms, so that your partner doesn't have to like everything that you do.

CocoCamm

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2013, 04:09:16 PM »
I think the problem of lack of holiday enthusiasm is  a difficult one to solve, because in my experience, when you have a partner who is not showing enthusiasm for a holiday, it can really dampen one's enjoyment of it, which can negatively affect your quality of life.

And the reverse is also true - having a partner who is overly enthusiastic (saying things like 'I can't believe you don't like X') can also negatively impact your quality of life.  That's why it's great to have friends who share your enthusiasms, so that your partner doesn't have to like everything that you do.

Agreed and it does seem like the OP does a pretty good job of "faking it." If she was being a party pooper I would think it's unfair to her hubby but it seems like she actively participates.

If this were my hubby I think I would say jokingly "Babe if you don't stop pestering me I'm going to turn you into a display on the lawn!" but thats the kind of relationship I have with my husband :)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2013, 05:37:15 PM »
Personally, I love all holidays and Halloween is a favorite.  Mr. Thipu doesn't get excited over any holidays.  This causes a bit of a problem because Halloween is also his birthday.  For the candy distribution he will put on a chef's jacket and a toque but that's as far as he'll go.

On the other hand, he is almost obsessive about weather patterns and tracking ships.  We co-exist. 

Other posters have offered excellent ideas.  When he starts harping on Halloween, make the comparison with something that you love but leaves him cold.  That's the most gentle way to go.

DH and I are like that with pirates and My Little Pony.  He's a huge fan of the latter and I, obviously am a huge fan of the former.  He will watch the movies now and then and has in the past bought me pirate related things for my birthday and Christmas, but he doesn't get the level of love I have for the movies.  Thankfully, that's what I have my bff for, and when it comes to My Little Pony, well that's what he has the Bronies for. 

We jokingly have a Ponies vs. Pirates war in our house which right now the ponies are winning merely due to there being a good deal of pony related merchandise out there vs. POTC merchandise.   But I did get the toddler to sing the pirate song! :)
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Shea

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2013, 08:03:04 PM »
The constant exclamations do sound annoying. It sounds like you've already tried to explain why you're not into Halloween, but maybe you could just try telling him, lightly but firmly, "Hon, I know you really love Halloween, and it makes me happy to see you so excited. But you know it's just not my bag, and it makes me feel bad when you bring it up. You know I'm happy to hand out candy and I love seeing the little ones' costumes, but I would really appreciate if you could limit the comments about my level of enthusiasm to, say, two a week. Thanks, and here's a bag of candy corn I picked up at the market today, they were having a sale!"

All spouses/partners have things that their partner isn't as into, as far as I can tell. BF is really into Dungeons and Dragons, he's a DM and loves putting his games together. I like roleplaying games and sometimes play, but I'm not nearly as into it as he is. Conversely, I love horseback riding. It's not his thing (he's actually never been on a horse before he met me) but he'll go riding with me when I get a chance, and he enjoys it. It sounds like the OP isn't pooh-poohing her husband's enjoyment of Halloween, and is in fact participating, just not at the level of excitement that her DH would like. She needs to have a little talk with him about how his behavior is affecting her, and hopefully he'll understand.


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DoubleTrouble

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #38 on: September 25, 2013, 10:30:05 PM »

Maybe you could try focusing on Halloween as a thing that is awesome because it makes your husband so happy rather than looking at Halloween for what it is on its own (spooky, scary, not so fun for you).  "Dh, of course I'm happy that you are having so much fun - you do an amazing job with decorating every year.  I'm not interested in all the preparation or dressing up myself, but I am looking forward to passing out goodies with you and seeing all the kids' costumes.  That's how I celebrate Halloween."

THIS. LordL is into photography and talks a lot about new gear that is being released, techniques he's learned from books he's reading, etc. Quite honestly a lot of it flies right over my head since I'm not a photographer. But he mostly just wants me to validate the effort, time, and money he spends on it by hearing him out. So I muster up the enthusiasm to be supportive even though I have little actual interest in ISO or shutter speed or lighting filters.

I do that with DH & his coins. I'll look at the ones he wants to buy, nod approvingly at the ones he does buy & well, that's about it. Thank goodness our sons are fascinated by the coins now & give him all the validation he needs!

cicero

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #39 on: September 26, 2013, 02:17:04 AM »
I agree with the advice given here. I wouldn't bring up the maturity level ( or lack thereof) because that isn't the point. We all ( most of us? ) have a thing or two that oithers may think is babyish like I love amusement parks - that's what makes the world an interesting place.

< and please tell me I'm not the only one who thought this was going to be about... Ummm.. Scrabble :-[)

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VorFemme

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #40 on: September 26, 2013, 09:27:43 AM »
I agree with the advice given here. I wouldn't bring up the maturity level ( or lack thereof) because that isn't the point. We all ( most of us? ) have a thing or two that oithers may think is babyish like I love amusement parks - that's what makes the world an interesting place.

< and please tell me I'm not the only one who thought this was going to be about... Ummm.. Scrabble :-[)

No - I was thinking card AND board games.  VorGuy likes to play games - but is so competitive that he can take the fun right out of playing games.  We never had game nights with our kids when they were growing up because he was just not able to dial it down to TEACHING a game more than one or two games in a row, which is NOT enough "teaching" for a five or six year old.

I'm driving to the Renn Faire twice in the next month or so - once with VorSon for a "birthday trip" - some of his friends from college will be joining us in the vehicle - Renn Faires are more expensive than a party for six kids at Chuck E. Cheese.  Then I drive a group of older ladies (Red Hats - we are all over 50 years old - I'm just the youngest in the group) another weekend - two different attitudes toward what to do but I expect to have fun with both groups. 

Well, I may not be able to walk fast enough to "keep up" with the college kids - but staying up with them isn't the point.  Being there is...  Last year there was one French guy who had an act that I recognized as patterned on Red Skeleton's, some forty-five or so years ago.  Not that it wasn't funny - he was hilarious and good at the juggling, too - but the Red Hats may have been the only ones to know the punch lines that were coming in advance without watching HIM in an earlier show. 

Reminds me - I need to pick an outfit....and check that nothing needs mending.

VorGuy might have gone with me years ago - but not for the same reasons I go.  Now, the nerve pain in his feet (undiagnosed diabetes for at least two years while he insisted that "it was NOT diabetes") means that walking around places is no longer "fun".  So - another activity that one of us likes and the other might merely tolerate has become one that the other is NOT going to, for various reasons.  He also claims that walking around quilt shows is why he doesn't want to go. 

I think it is because I keep looking at the $5K to $8K embroidery and quilting machines...and he isn't ready for me to spend that much money on something that "he can't drive" as he joked ten years back.....
« Last Edit: October 17, 2013, 10:45:58 PM by VorFemme »
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Cami

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #41 on: September 26, 2013, 10:54:35 AM »
I think the problem of lack of holiday enthusiasm is  a difficult one to solve, because in my experience, when you have a partner who is not showing enthusiasm for a holiday, it can really dampen one's enjoyment of it, which can negatively affect your quality of life.

And the reverse is also true - having a partner who is overly enthusiastic (saying things like 'I can't believe you don't like X') can also negatively impact your quality of life.  That's why it's great to have friends who share your enthusiasms, so that your partner doesn't have to like everything that you do.
Thanks for that advice, which I'm sure you didn't mean to be condescending, but I already understand the concept of friends and not relying on one's spouse to  like everything I do.

Even with friends, however, it can be wearing with holidays in ways that are not true of hobbies, because holidays are home-centered for the most part. That is especially true here where newcomers are unwelcome forever and friends are difficult to find (and even if you find them, they will NOT share holidays with you because "holidays are family only").

Twik

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #42 on: September 26, 2013, 11:20:54 AM »
But what is the partner supposed to do? I'm not a big Halloween fan, and I don't really get what the joy is in decoration your home in decomposing corpses. So, should I essentially fake orgasmic joy for the sake of my (theoretical) Halloween-loving spouse?

I think the most anyone can expect from a spouse who's not into something is an upbeat, go with the flow, attitude. Trying to make someone express more enthusiasm than they feel will never end well.
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White Lotus

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #43 on: September 26, 2013, 01:55:42 PM »
Valentine's Day is the one for us.  The Prof thinks (IMO) it is funny to get me a box of chocolates (I am not a big chocolate fan) and the saddest looking bunch of unscented flowers he can find.  I think it is for courting couples at best, and Not Buddhist (Catholic saint, and all) at worst.  I make reservations at an ethnic place that won't have specials going, put the flowers in water (his study) and give him back the chocolates, which he will eat.  It is a compromise of sorts. I think OP already has a good compromise going.  If the Prof started bugging me about a Special Dinner Dance Sweetheart Package or something, I would do my best to make alternate arrangements, and tell him to stop bugging me, because he won't get the effect he is looking for.  I think OP might use the same tactic: quit bugging me or the whole idea of Halloween will become so unpleasant for me that I won't even do the parts we can do together or that I actually do enjoy.

Wordgeek

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #44 on: September 26, 2013, 03:58:19 PM »
Thanks for that advice, which I'm sure you didn't mean to be condescending

And I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude in your response.  If you aren't able to be courteous in your responses, don't post.