Author Topic: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE  (Read 14608 times)

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that_one_girl

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #45 on: September 26, 2013, 04:10:39 PM »
Hubby is into video games and tabletop games.
I am into fiber arts, jewelry making, and assorted other crafts.
The only place these hobbies overlap AT ALL, is in the assembling and painting of the little plastic figurines that are used in the tabletop games.
So, we do this together ... and otherwise we have a deal that he's allowed to talk about his video games (some of which are actually pretty interesting) as long as he doesn't roll his eyes when I babble on about different types of yarn and how soft cashmere is and etc, etc, etc ...

I find that it is hard for some men to see from your perspective unless you connect to a specific feeling.   Telling hubby, "You know how much you love finishing a new level in your video games? Well, that is how much I enjoy finishing knitting a scarf!" was SO much more effective than telling him all the reasons I love to knit.

delabela

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #46 on: September 27, 2013, 12:22:41 PM »
Since this doesn't seem to be emotionally charged for you, but just more you could take or leave Halloween, I wonder if there's anything about the holiday you could work up some enthusiasm for.  You don't like being scared, but is there something else about Halloween you might like?  Carving pumpkins, corn mazes, etc?  It sounds like you already help him with the parts he likes, so maybe he could do something more your speed but Halloween related. 

I suppose I'm just throwing out thoughts.  I do agree he should cool it with the "c'mon how can you not LOVE this?!" comments. 

BeagleMommy

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2013, 09:50:45 AM »
Well, this weekend DH mentioned a fancy new thing he wanted to add to the front yard display.  When he asked what I thought, the conversation went like this:

DH:  Blah, blah new Halloween thing.  What do you think.
Me:  Sounds interesting.  Go look into it if you want.
DH:  Don't you care?
Me:  Honey, you know I'm not into this stuff like you.  I've never stopped you from doing the decorating.  If you want the new thing, and we can afford it, go ahead.
DH:  I just don't get how you don't LOVE Halloween.
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!

That's when I exploded.  I launched into a loud discussion of how I found the last comment hurtful and that I don't ask him to take the same enthusiasm I do over things I really love.  I think he finally got the point, but I hate that I have to explode at him to get him to understand.

Twik

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2013, 10:04:33 AM »
...
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!

And that, Your Honor, is how this man ended up as part of his own Halloween display of horror....
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

BeagleMommy

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2013, 10:11:15 AM »
...
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!

And that, Your Honor, is how this man ended up as part of his own Halloween display of horror....

Twik, I think I love you!

Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #50 on: September 30, 2013, 10:12:55 AM »

And that, Your Honor, is how this man ended up as part of his own Halloween display of horror....

She was over here, Your Honour, in the UK, at the time, never out of my sight, and there are no bloodstains at all on her clothing. None. No,that's not my shirt she's wearing. I have one a bit like it but it's definitely hers. #slams lid down on wheelie bin#

Petticoats

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2013, 10:19:25 AM »
Well, this weekend DH mentioned a fancy new thing he wanted to add to the front yard display.  When he asked what I thought, the conversation went like this:

DH:  Blah, blah new Halloween thing.  What do you think.
Me:  Sounds interesting.  Go look into it if you want.
DH:  Don't you care?
Me:  Honey, you know I'm not into this stuff like you.  I've never stopped you from doing the decorating.  If you want the new thing, and we can afford it, go ahead.
DH:  I just don't get how you don't LOVE Halloween.
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!
That's when I exploded.  I launched into a loud discussion of how I found the last comment hurtful and that I don't ask him to take the same enthusiasm I do over things I really love.  I think he finally got the point, but I hate that I have to explode at him to get him to understand.

The bolded would have made me blow up too. What a sulky and childish thing to say! I hope he truly does understand now and won't keep badgering you--and won't sulk.

AmethystAnne

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2013, 10:21:12 AM »
-snark on-

Did he stomp his little foot too?

-snark off-

cabbagegirl28

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2013, 10:27:27 AM »
Well, this weekend DH mentioned a fancy new thing he wanted to add to the front yard display.  When he asked what I thought, the conversation went like this:

DH:  Blah, blah new Halloween thing.  What do you think.
Me:  Sounds interesting.  Go look into it if you want.
DH:  Don't you care?
Me:  Honey, you know I'm not into this stuff like you.  I've never stopped you from doing the decorating.  If you want the new thing, and we can afford it, go ahead.
DH:  I just don't get how you don't LOVE Halloween.
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!
That's when I exploded.  I launched into a loud discussion of how I found the last comment hurtful and that I don't ask him to take the same enthusiasm I do over things I really love.  I think he finally got the point, but I hate that I have to explode at him to get him to understand.

The bolded would have made me blow up too. What a sulky and childish thing to say! I hope he truly does understand now and won't keep badgering you--and won't sulk.

I would have blown up as well! violinp really really likes Halloween and being scared from scary movies, but she doesn't expect me to like them. Your husband married you knowing that you didn't like Halloween as much as he did; he has no right to stick out his lower lip about a reasonable reminder that you don't like Halloween as much as he does.

And the implication from him that everyone should like every part of Halloween or they're not having fun really chaps my hind end too. You have a right to not want to be scared, and you have a right to not like the same things as everyone else. It's a free country, and we're not automatons.

I also hope that he better understands where you're coming from now.


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LadyClaire

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's - UPDATE
« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2013, 11:10:30 AM »
Well, this weekend DH mentioned a fancy new thing he wanted to add to the front yard display.  When he asked what I thought, the conversation went like this:

DH:  Blah, blah new Halloween thing.  What do you think.
Me:  Sounds interesting.  Go look into it if you want.
DH:  Don't you care?
Me:  Honey, you know I'm not into this stuff like you.  I've never stopped you from doing the decorating.  If you want the new thing, and we can afford it, go ahead.
DH:  I just don't get how you don't LOVE Halloween.
Me:  Okay.  I've explained this to you before.  I don't like being scared.  It makes me feel like I'm going to faint.  I like handing out the candy in my fairy costume and I like seeing the little kids all dressed up.  I'll help you with the decorations any way I can, but I just don't get a thrill out of Halloween.  Could you stop being so incredulous that I don't like it as much?  I've always felt this way and you know that.  It's not something new.
DH:  Fine!  I won't ask you to have fun ever again!

That's when I exploded.  I launched into a loud discussion of how I found the last comment hurtful and that I don't ask him to take the same enthusiasm I do over things I really love.  I think he finally got the point, but I hate that I have to explode at him to get him to understand.

I'd have blown up at him too. How PA and childish.

I love Halloween above all holidays. I look forward to it every year. It's the highlight of my year, when the Halloween decorations start coming into stores.

I don't expect my husband to love it as much as I do. He's also a "take it or leave it" person when it comes to Halloween. That's why I geek out over Halloween with my friends, who love it as much as I do.

Twik

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #55 on: September 30, 2013, 11:17:03 AM »
It's a little like demanding that your SO tell you how desperately in love with you s/he is. Once you've had to ask for enthusiasm, any offered will be suspect.

In short, DH will have to come to terms that Beaglemommy will happily take part in the Halloween stuff she likes, but that she is not him, and their levels of interest will not match.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Lynn2000

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2013, 12:30:19 PM »
It's too bad you had to blow up at him, OP. :( I hope he finally got the point, at least. Being nagged to be more enthusiastic about something is just about the most sure-fire way to kill any enthusiasm one might have had.

I've been thinking about this thread a lot. My mom loves to garden. I love that she loves it. I don't love it myself. I show my support and enthusiasm in all the ways I can, like by listening to her talk about the garden and buying her stuff for the garden and taking pictures of her garden. But I'm not interested in helping her dig stuff or weed or water or anything like that. I try really, really hard to be enthusiastic about it in my way, and I think she tries really, really hard not to push me in a direction I don't want to go. If either person is not aware of the need to maintain that balance, bad things can result.

On the one hand, I can see how your response in the dialogue you posted--depending on tone, body language, etc.--might not have struck him as sufficiently enthusiastic and encouraging--of his own enjoyment, if not of the thing itself. If my mom said, "I'm thinking of getting this new trellis for the garden! What do you think?" and I was just like, "Sounds great. Go get it. Blah." I think she might be kind of hurt. I would be more like, "Oh, that sounds awesome. It will go really well with the one you already have. Where are you going to put it?"

BUT--if there was a history of my mom whining about how I wasn't enthusiastic enough and trying to "force" me to be more interested, that would really, really decrease the level of effort I was willing to put into it. That's what I mean about it being a balance. If one person has already upset the balance by being too demanding, it's hard for the other person to figure out the best way to react. Maybe you guys need to start over with a clean slate about Halloween.
~Lynn2000

Elisabunny

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2013, 12:37:30 PM »
I think if my DH behaved this way, I would be very tempted to get enthusiastic about some aspect he would find obnoxious.  Like kittens.  Really cute, black kittens with witches' hats, strategically placed by every skeleton and bloody body part.   >:D
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Ms_Cellany

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #58 on: September 30, 2013, 12:58:14 PM »
I think if my DH behaved this way, I would be very tempted to get enthusiastic about some aspect he would find obnoxious.  Like kittens.  Really cute, black kittens with witches' hats, strategically placed by every skeleton and bloody body part.   >:D


Please.  We don't condone retaliatory cuteness here.

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Lynn2000

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Re: When Your Level of Enthusiasm Doesn't Match Your Spouse's
« Reply #59 on: September 30, 2013, 01:30:55 PM »
I think if my DH behaved this way, I would be very tempted to get enthusiastic about some aspect he would find obnoxious.  Like kittens.  Really cute, black kittens with witches' hats, strategically placed by every skeleton and bloody body part.   >:D


Please.  We don't condone retaliatory cuteness here.

You know what I saw the other day at Target in the produce department? Oranges, each with a tiny witch's hat or some other Halloween decoration stuck on them. See, that's what happens when someone tries to force someone else to be enthusiastic about something. "I don't like Halloween, but I love citrus fruit... Hey, I have an idea!" ;D

But seriously, finding an aspect you could embrace would be great, although right now I would be too peeved at DH to be thinking about that. Maybe after the underlying issue of respecting our differing interests was addressed, that would make a good compromise.
~Lynn2000