Author Topic: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding  (Read 9646 times)

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wolfie

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2013, 10:33:02 AM »

The usual response is to argue with the vendors to try to get as much money back as possible (money which the people involved felt they could afford to spend before the falling out between the bride and groom),

You make it sound like if you are willing to spend money on X then you should be happy to spend it on Y if X doesn't happen. But that isn't true. I am happy to spend $150 on a dress to be a bridesmaid for a friend - but if she doesn't get married then I don't want a dress I can't wear again (or in this case at all) and would rather spend the $150 on something else. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to try to get your money back for an event that doesn't happen.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2013, 10:37:23 AM »
If the wedding had been called off at the alter or even the day before, when I had already spent money on travelling and hotel rooms, I'd be a little miffed that I didn't even get dinner out of it.   :)

But the wedding in question was called off 40 days before, which is plenty of time to cancel hotels and travel plans and return wedding gifts.  Hotels don't usually charge a cancellation fee that far out.  I might have had to pay a cancellation fee on my flight, if I had one, but that would be worth it to me not to spend a whole lot more money that wouldn't be counter balanced by a free meal.

I think it was a lovely thing to do, especially because they very likely could have gotten at least some of their money back, that far out.  And hiring a clown for the kids?  Above and beyond.  I do hope they follow through on making it an annual event.
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Goosey

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2013, 10:51:20 AM »
Depending on the nature of the breakup, having the combined bridal/groom family at the same party might have been a bad idea. Instead of cancelling on only part of the invitees, the bride cancelled all the invites and had a different event that day instead.

zinzin

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #18 on: September 25, 2013, 11:13:19 AM »
Had I been an original guest, I'd be thrilled to hear they did this. People did a nice thing making lemonade out of lemons, other people benefited - I'm surprised anyone would find fault with this story!

Cat-Fu

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2013, 11:21:52 AM »
Depending on the nature of the breakup, having the combined bridal/groom family at the same party might have been a bad idea. Instead of cancelling on only part of the invitees, the bride cancelled all the invites and had a different event that day instead.

Agreed—I think this is actually a tidy little solution. The money was lost anyway, and rather than endure some sort of awkward dinner, they have done something good and etiquette-educational for those at the dinner. And none of the guests can complain without looking like total jerks...
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mbbored

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #20 on: September 25, 2013, 12:01:55 PM »
Mixed feelings. The ceremony might not have happened but for some guests and/or wedding party members the cost of plane tickets, clothes, days off of work, etc. have as lrwady been dpent. If they aleady committed those resources and there is food/party for somebody it serms reasonable to "spend" it on them.

I agree with this. Yes, one could cancel a baby sitter and a hotel, but most plane tickets aren't refundable and not every job allows a person to change their schedule at will. It's a lovely gesture, but I'd be a bit irritated on being out a few hundred for plane tickets, etc.

thedudeabides

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2013, 12:08:22 PM »
I kind of feel as though, if my friend or family member's relationship has just imploded so violently to merit cancelling a wedding, I'd be more focused on how he or she were coping with a major emotional upheaval than on the party he or she had been planning to throw. I mean, couples who call off weddings don't do it to inconvenience people who were traveling in. They do it because their relationship has just fallen completely apart.

Goosey

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2013, 12:10:36 PM »
They can still use that ticket to fly into town and visit with family. The bride is just no longer providing the venue in which to do so.

MrsJWine

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #23 on: September 25, 2013, 12:21:00 PM »
There's no way I would still want to attend the reception of a wedding that had been called off. That would be incredibly awkward. I might be annoyed over the money I lost on reservations or plane tickets, but it would be annoyance at the situation. There is no way I would still show up at the reception, just because I wanted to get my money's worth. Would people really do this? I'm kind of struggling to understand.


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CakeBeret

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2013, 12:28:12 PM »
Mixed feelings. The ceremony might not have happened but for some guests and/or wedding party members the cost of plane tickets, clothes, days off of work, etc. have as lrwady been dpent. If they aleady committed those resources and there is food/party for somebody it serms reasonable to "spend" it on them.

I agree with this. Yes, one could cancel a baby sitter and a hotel, but most plane tickets aren't refundable and not every job allows a person to change their schedule at will. It's a lovely gesture, but I'd be a bit irritated on being out a few hundred for plane tickets, etc.

So you would be irritated with a relative for calling off his or her wedding, because it inconveniences you?

My husband and his brother, a few years ago, bought plane tickets to attend a family wedding several states away. The wedding was called off a couple months before, and yes, DH and BIL were out the money for the plane tickets. But, they didn't expect anything from the couple. They didn't expect to still have a reception meal, or anything. IMO that would be an incredibly uncomfortable event. They did still use their plane tickets to fly out, and spent the time with relatives.

My point is, if a wedding is called off, I would be surprised anyone still expects to be invited to the reception.

I think this family did an incredibly kind, generous thing. They took an expensive, disappointing situation and used it to do something good for the less fortunate.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2013, 01:09:39 PM »
If the wedding was called off at the alter or even the day before, when most everybody was already in town, I would kind of expect the 'reception' to go ahead as planned.  There might be some hasty seat rearranging and some people may choose not to come but I'm already there and the food is already paid for and even most of it prepared, for that matter.

But 40 days out?  Lots of time to cancel things and/or make alternate plans.
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zinzin

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2013, 01:27:28 PM »
There's no way I would still want to attend the reception of a wedding that had been called off. That would be incredibly awkward. I might be annoyed over the money I lost on reservations or plane tickets, but it would be annoyance at the situation. There is no way I would still show up at the reception, just because I wanted to get my money's worth. Would people really do this? I'm kind of struggling to understand.

Agreed. The money spent on tickets is spent either way - so the ex-couple should have to throw the worlds most awkward and potentially tear-filled party just because people are susceptible to the Concorde Fallacy? Thinking along those lines makes me wonder at their motivation in coming - because if my guests attended to share my joy, I can't think they'd want to still have a party in such circumstances.

Sharnita

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2013, 01:30:40 PM »
I would see ot as tjem treating the people who had already gone out of theirway to dinner. Badically, if you want to do sometjing nice foreople tje homeless are great and I encourage it but if people you know have already been cost time and money by the whole thing, start with tjem?

The happy couple wouldn't have to be there, wouldn't have to be a "reception" but a nice nice meal.

Goosey

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #28 on: September 25, 2013, 01:36:30 PM »
I gotta say, if I heard that a good friend/family member had had to cancel their wedding, the LAST thing on my mind would be "But what about the party???" or (essentially) "What about ME???"

The bride had no requirement to continue with her wedding reception when there was no wedding. It would be an emotional toll, regardless of whether she showed up or not. Instead, she saw the opportunity to do something kind and generous for those who often go without.

Hosts are allowed to cancel their parties for any reason. It's up to the guests making the trip to prepare for the possibility.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2013, 01:56:48 PM by Goosey »

Two Ravens

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #29 on: September 25, 2013, 01:55:48 PM »
I would see ot as tjem treating the people who had already gone out of theirway to dinner. Badically, if you want to do sometjing nice foreople tje homeless are great and I encourage it but if people you know have already been cost time and money by the whole thing, start with tjem?

The happy couple wouldn't have to be there, wouldn't have to be a "reception" but a nice nice meal.

A nice meal with a bunch of people from the groom's family as well? I imagine that would be rather awkward. Remember the bride's parents would still be hosting. What would you do? Gossip about who's fault it was? Who broke whose heart? How they are better off since it never would have lasted? I can't imagine willingly going to an event like that...