Author Topic: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding  (Read 10091 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #60 on: September 25, 2013, 11:56:41 PM »
If you want to express your idea of helping others, just make sure that you're not screwing over others.

Who's being screwed over?

Joeschmo

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #61 on: September 26, 2013, 12:00:23 AM »
Would those who would feel they were shafted by not getting a meal feel better about it if the former happy couple were able to get all but the deposit back and send out $20 Olive Garden gift cards(or some form of payment) to the former guests of the cancelled event so the couples life altering event wasn't so hard on their loved ones?  I'm just not sure what people feel they are owed to make them whole for a cancelled wedding.

Maybe getting whatever money they could back and donating it to a soup kitchen would have fed more people but I agree with a previous poster that being able to sit down and have a nice meal is something homeless people don't typically get and a chance to feel 'normal' for a night. 

Deetee

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #62 on: September 26, 2013, 12:08:03 AM »
I think there is only one person who is suggesting that this is bad idea (not counting those suggesting this is more of a personal/ moral decision than a etiquette one).

From previous readings of similar types of threads, I doubt anyone will convince the single person who is disagreeing that this a great and heartwarming story.

I was glad I read it. Made me smile.

Twik

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #63 on: September 26, 2013, 12:11:48 AM »
Would those who would feel they were shafted by not getting a meal feel better about it if the former happy couple were able to get all but the deposit back and send out $20 Olive Garden gift cards(or some form of payment) to the former guests of the cancelled event so the couples life altering event wasn't so hard on their loved ones?  I'm just not sure what people feel they are owed to make them whole for a cancelled wedding.

I know! The bride could hire someone from the actors' union to play the part of the groom (and she should probably get another one to play the officiant, to avoid any sitcom-type legal issues)! And they can put on the show as scheduled, just make an announcement before the ceremony that the understudy will be taking the lead role for this night only. Then everyone can go to the reception, and spend the evening saying what a handsome couple they make.

Otherwise, what can they do, to salve the injured feelings of people who can't believe the nerve of a couple who would break up just when it inconveniences the guests?
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CakeEater

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #64 on: September 26, 2013, 12:15:12 AM »
I can't believe anyone could possibly see anything bad in this. I really can't. What on earth is the world coming to when a couple's wedding is *cancelled*, the parents do something *amazing* for less fortunate people off the back of it, and other people are saying "But what about my dinner?!"

I think a perspective check might be needed.

I don't think anyone's said that. We're just discussing, in an abstract way, the actual etiquette of the situation. Because I doubt anyone here would begrudge a homeless person a meal. And as others have said, I really doubt any of the actual guests would want to attend this meal with the guests from the other side and discuss the breakup. I don't think anyone would argue that the bride and groom are still on the hook for providing a free meal for their guests after cancelling their wedding.

But this situation really has to do with the generosity of the family, which was wonderful. But not to do with etiquette. Some of us, from the perspective of detatched onlookers, are just thinkng about some of the more delicate points, like, would anyone, in fact, be annoyed as an univited guest in this situation?

Even if they were annoyed, and I think guests who had outlayed considerable effort or money in terms of tickets, or holiday leave, or whatever, have a right to be annoyed at the situation, like a previous poster said. At an annoying situation, rather than specifically at the people involved. And I doubt if any were annoyed, that they would say a word to anyone, because the breakup of the relationship is more important of course. But that doesn't mean the situation isn't inconvenient for these guests.

I just wondered about the abstract situation of un-inviting a bunch of people, and then re-inviting a bunch of different people to eat the meal.

Allyson

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #65 on: September 26, 2013, 01:53:51 AM »
Is going to a reception for a cancelled wedding a thing that actually ever happens? I've never heard of something like that.

I would think that it was rude if guests had been invited, and then the couple had decided "Oh, actually, we want to be charitable! Our friends already have enough money, so we're going to spend everything on the homeless!" That would be highly uncool. But in this case it's not between feeding their friends and feeding the homeless...it's between *nothing* and feeding the homeless.

perpetua

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #66 on: September 26, 2013, 03:25:36 AM »
I can't believe anyone could possibly see anything bad in this. I really can't. What on earth is the world coming to when a couple's wedding is *cancelled*, the parents do something *amazing* for less fortunate people off the back of it, and other people are saying "But what about my dinner?!"

I think a perspective check might be needed.

I don't think anyone's said that. We're just discussing, in an abstract way, the actual etiquette of the situation. Because I doubt anyone here would begrudge a homeless person a meal. And as others have said, I really doubt any of the actual guests would want to attend this meal with the guests from the other side and discuss the breakup. I don't think anyone would argue that the bride and groom are still on the hook for providing a free meal for their guests after cancelling their wedding.

But this situation really has to do with the generosity of the family, which was wonderful. But not to do with etiquette. Some of us, from the perspective of detatched onlookers, are just thinkng about some of the more delicate points, like, would anyone, in fact, be annoyed as an univited guest in this situation?

Even if they were annoyed, and I think guests who had outlayed considerable effort or money in terms of tickets, or holiday leave, or whatever, have a right to be annoyed at the situation, like a previous poster said. At an annoying situation, rather than specifically at the people involved. And I doubt if any were annoyed, that they would say a word to anyone, because the breakup of the relationship is more important of course. But that doesn't mean the situation isn't inconvenient for these guests.

I just wondered about the abstract situation of un-inviting a bunch of people, and then re-inviting a bunch of different people to eat the meal.

Well yes, but - invited guests to *what*? There's no longer a wedding. The guests aren't invited to *anything* and they are no longer guests. And are people seriously suggesting that if a guest was coming from out of town via plane, they'd fly all the way in just to have dinner? 

The 'guests' in a situation such as this would have absolutely no right to be annoyed or feel 'screwed over'. The wedding was cancelled. Therefore they are no longer 'guests' of anything. And if they *are* annoyed that the bride's family gave 'their' dinner to a homeless person, then - I really don't have the words for that.


lowspark

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #67 on: September 26, 2013, 09:15:24 AM »
By turning the reception into specifically a charity event, where they worked with an established charitable organization, they did recoup some of their costs, because the whole thing became a charitable (read: tax deductible) donation. While I'm sure they aren't going to make back in a tax refund anywhere near what they spent, they'd get something, whereas cancelling totally would have been a total loss.

So yes it was a generous and classy thing to do, but it also perhaps served the purpose of being their best option to not totally lose out on funds spent.

And really I see nothing at all wrong with that. I was taught that your motivation for giving charity, regardless of whether it is totally altruistic or totally selfish, matters not one whit. The only thing that matters is that you give the charity.

So, if they did it for the tax deduction, who cares? They still did it.

lowspark

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #68 on: September 26, 2013, 09:19:37 AM »
Is going to a reception for a cancelled wedding a thing that actually ever happens? I've never heard of something like that.

No, i don't think it ever does. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only way I can see this happening is if the cancellation takes place at the time of the wedding. [I'm picturing the bride hitting the groom with the bouquet and flouncing off, hollywood style.] So the guests are all gathered, the food is prepared and waiting in the reception hall but there's no wedding. What happens then?

I dunno! Maybe the food just all gets dumped? Maybe someone steps up and announces that the reception will still take place. I've never heard of this actually happening but it seems like the only scenario where the reception would still go on without the actual wedding having taken place.

Yvaine

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #69 on: September 26, 2013, 09:40:57 AM »
Is going to a reception for a cancelled wedding a thing that actually ever happens? I've never heard of something like that.

No, i don't think it ever does. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only way I can see this happening is if the cancellation takes place at the time of the wedding. [I'm picturing the bride hitting the groom with the bouquet and flouncing off, hollywood style.] So the guests are all gathered, the food is prepared and waiting in the reception hall but there's no wedding. What happens then?

I dunno! Maybe the food just all gets dumped? Maybe someone steps up and announces that the reception will still take place. I've never heard of this actually happening but it seems like the only scenario where the reception would still go on without the actual wedding having taken place.

Yeah, this. I've heard of the guests still eating the food when the breakup is right at the altar and the food is already on the way and the guests are already there, so everybody (or at least the family of the jiltee--I think the jilter's family probably slinks away) figures why not go ahead and eat it because it's already there.

Several months out, this isn't "inviting people and then disinviting them," it's cancelling the event and then repurposing the food that would have been for the now cancelled and nonexistent event.

guihong

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #70 on: September 26, 2013, 10:49:55 AM »
Is going to a reception for a cancelled wedding a thing that actually ever happens? I've never heard of something like that.

No, i don't think it ever does. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only way I can see this happening is if the cancellation takes place at the time of the wedding. [I'm picturing the bride hitting the groom with the bouquet and flouncing off, hollywood style.] So the guests are all gathered, the food is prepared and waiting in the reception hall but there's no wedding. What happens then?

I dunno! Maybe the food just all gets dumped? Maybe someone steps up and announces that the reception will still take place. I've never heard of this actually happening but it seems like the only scenario where the reception would still go on without the actual wedding having taken place.

Yeah, this. I've heard of the guests still eating the food when the breakup is right at the altar and the food is already on the way and the guests are already there, so everybody (or at least the family of the jiltee--I think the jilter's family probably slinks away) figures why not go ahead and eat it because it's already there.

Several months out, this isn't "inviting people and then disinviting them," it's cancelling the event and then repurposing the food that would have been for the now cancelled and nonexistent event.

I've heard at least one story-so I don't think they're all fish tales-of a bride or groom jilting their fiance' on the altar, serving all the food to the guests, then going on the "honeymoon" trip with a friend.  I think in most cases it would be the other way around, though; the jiltee's family (and the jilted) would want to get away.



Drunken Housewife

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #71 on: September 26, 2013, 12:32:02 PM »
I read about a wedding cancelled at the very last minute but the reception was held..  The groom had sprung a prenup on the bride, using the short time frame as leverage.  She refused to cave in and announced to the guests that there would be no wedding, just a party.  Bravo for her!  It got coverage as at least one of them was wealthy and semi-famous (but not famous enough that I remember their names).
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CocoCamm

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #72 on: September 26, 2013, 12:37:01 PM »
I read about a wedding cancelled at the very last minute but the reception was held..  The groom had sprung a prenup on the bride, using the short time frame as leverage.  She refused to cave in and announced to the guests that there would be no wedding, just a party.  Bravo for her!  It got coverage as at least one of them was wealthy and semi-famous (but not famous enough that I remember their names).

I think that if a wedding is cancelled so last minute that out of town guests have already started to arrive then the hosts are obligated to provide the reception. For me it wouldn't be so much about the party as not leaving guests stranded trying to figure out where to go for a meal that they hadn't planned on having to budget for.

When you consider the time and money lost it seems like the most gracious thing to do would be to provide the guests with dinner and entertainment.

ETA: I would absolutely feel horrible for a couple if the broke up so close to the wedding, that must be an emotional nightmare. However when I accept a wedding invitation and spend time and money preparing to be a good guest I assume that the couple has not just willy nilly decided to get married and are actually a solid committed couple. If it turns out they are less then prepared (like they never discussed a prenup) I would be a little annoyed.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2013, 12:41:01 PM by CocoCamm »

Twik

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #73 on: September 26, 2013, 12:40:22 PM »
Is going to a reception for a cancelled wedding a thing that actually ever happens? I've never heard of something like that.

No, i don't think it ever does. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only way I can see this happening is if the cancellation takes place at the time of the wedding. [I'm picturing the bride hitting the groom with the bouquet and flouncing off, hollywood style.] So the guests are all gathered, the food is prepared and waiting in the reception hall but there's no wedding. What happens then?

I dunno! Maybe the food just all gets dumped? Maybe someone steps up and announces that the reception will still take place. I've never heard of this actually happening but it seems like the only scenario where the reception would still go on without the actual wedding having taken place.

I recall a news story about a woman whose fiancÚ called it off a day before the wedding, and she turned the reception into a party, and danced the night away. However, he was from overseas, so probably the attendees were all her own family and friends, and anyone who was travelling was likely already there.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

TootsNYC

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #74 on: September 26, 2013, 01:56:07 PM »
If you want to express your idea of helping others, just make sure that you're not screwing over others.

How in the world are you "screwing over" one of your wedding guests by telling them 40 days before the wedding that it's off, and then not spending money on a party for them????