Author Topic: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding  (Read 9620 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #75 on: September 26, 2013, 01:56:07 PM »
If you want to express your idea of helping others, just make sure that you're not screwing over others.

How in the world are you "screwing over" one of your wedding guests by telling them 40 days before the wedding that it's off, and then not spending money on a party for them????

Hmmmmm

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #76 on: September 26, 2013, 07:06:03 PM »
I can't believe anyone could possibly see anything bad in this. I really can't. What on earth is the world coming to when a couple's wedding is *cancelled*, the parents do something *amazing* for less fortunate people off the back of it, and other people are saying "But what about my dinner?!"

I think a perspective check might be needed.

I don't think anyone's said that. We're just discussing, in an abstract way, the actual etiquette of the situation. Because I doubt anyone here would begrudge a homeless person a meal. And as others have said, I really doubt any of the actual guests would want to attend this meal with the guests from the other side and discuss the breakup. I don't think anyone would argue that the bride and groom are still on the hook for providing a free meal for their guests after cancelling their wedding.

But this situation really has to do with the generosity of the family, which was wonderful. But not to do with etiquette. Some of us, from the perspective of detatched onlookers, are just thinkng about some of the more delicate points, like, would anyone, in fact, be annoyed as an univited guest in this situation?

Even if they were annoyed, and I think guests who had outlayed considerable effort or money in terms of tickets, or holiday leave, or whatever, have a right to be annoyed at the situation, like a previous poster said. At an annoying situation, rather than specifically at the people involved. And I doubt if any were annoyed, that they would say a word to anyone, because the breakup of the relationship is more important of course. But that doesn't mean the situation isn't inconvenient for these guests.

I just wondered about the abstract situation of un-inviting a bunch of people, and then re-inviting a bunch of different people to eat the meal.

So CakeEater, I think these are 2 separate issues.

Scenario 1:  I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after.

Scenario 2: I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after. Huh, I was just looking on FB and notice that cousin posted a photo of her working at a soup kitchen on the day that was to be her wedding. She notes that her caterer decided to donate all of the food that would have been bought for her wedding to the soup kitchen and my cousin decided to go help out. Isn't that sweet of her. Good way to turn around a really sad day in her life.

Scenario 3:  I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after. Huh, I was just looking on FB and notice that cousin posted a photo of her working at what looks like the event hall where her wedding was to take place. Oh my, it looks like her wedding meal is being served to some less fortunate people. HOW DARE SHE! That was supposed to be my dinner and fun night. ... Is this really a reasonable reaction?

What we are all saying is that she didn't invite a different group of people to the same event. She invited different people to a completely different event.
For example:  I plan to invite 3 girlfriends for dinner on Friday night. Two of them comes down with the Flu and we decide to postpone. So I decide to invite my sister and BIL over to eat the Prime Rib I had bought. Would the one guest original invited for a girls night really have a reason to be upset that she wasn't invited to the family dinner?

Yvaine

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #77 on: September 26, 2013, 07:15:14 PM »
What we are all saying is that she didn't invite a different group of people to the same event. She invited different people to a completely different event.
For example:  I plan to invite 3 girlfriends for dinner on Friday night. Two of them comes down with the Flu and we decide to postpone. So I decide to invite my sister and BIL over to eat the Prime Rib I had bought. Would the one guest original invited for a girls night really have a reason to be upset that she wasn't invited to the family dinner?

This.

MariaE

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #78 on: September 27, 2013, 01:16:32 AM »
If you want to express your idea of helping others, just make sure that you're not screwing over others.

How in the world are you "screwing over" one of your wedding guests by telling them 40 days before the wedding that it's off, and then not spending money on a party for them????

Yeah, I found that baffling as well.
 
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CakeEater

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #79 on: September 27, 2013, 03:02:51 AM »
I can't believe anyone could possibly see anything bad in this. I really can't. What on earth is the world coming to when a couple's wedding is *cancelled*, the parents do something *amazing* for less fortunate people off the back of it, and other people are saying "But what about my dinner?!"

I think a perspective check might be needed.

I don't think anyone's said that. We're just discussing, in an abstract way, the actual etiquette of the situation. Because I doubt anyone here would begrudge a homeless person a meal. And as others have said, I really doubt any of the actual guests would want to attend this meal with the guests from the other side and discuss the breakup. I don't think anyone would argue that the bride and groom are still on the hook for providing a free meal for their guests after cancelling their wedding.

But this situation really has to do with the generosity of the family, which was wonderful. But not to do with etiquette. Some of us, from the perspective of detatched onlookers, are just thinkng about some of the more delicate points, like, would anyone, in fact, be annoyed as an univited guest in this situation?

Even if they were annoyed, and I think guests who had outlayed considerable effort or money in terms of tickets, or holiday leave, or whatever, have a right to be annoyed at the situation, like a previous poster said. At an annoying situation, rather than specifically at the people involved. And I doubt if any were annoyed, that they would say a word to anyone, because the breakup of the relationship is more important of course. But that doesn't mean the situation isn't inconvenient for these guests.

I just wondered about the abstract situation of un-inviting a bunch of people, and then re-inviting a bunch of different people to eat the meal.

So CakeEater, I think these are 2 separate issues.

Scenario 1:  I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after.

Scenario 2: I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after. Huh, I was just looking on FB and notice that cousin posted a photo of her working at a soup kitchen on the day that was to be her wedding. She notes that her caterer decided to donate all of the food that would have been bought for her wedding to the soup kitchen and my cousin decided to go help out. Isn't that sweet of her. Good way to turn around a really sad day in her life.

Scenario 3:  I get a save the date card for a wedding 4 months out for my cousin's wedding. I schedule time off and buy airline tickets. I receive the invititation. Yeah, can't wait to go and see all my extended family. 2 weeks later I get a message the wedding is cancelled. I'm sad. I'm annoyed that I now have a weeks vacation, non-refundable tickets and have to decide if I still to go wedding city with no plans and no contacts, take a loss on the tickets or pay a change fee, and hope I can reschedule my weeks vacation. I'm annoyed but I'd rather they figure out it's not going to work before the wedding than after. Huh, I was just looking on FB and notice that cousin posted a photo of her working at what looks like the event hall where her wedding was to take place. Oh my, it looks like her wedding meal is being served to some less fortunate people. HOW DARE SHE! That was supposed to be my dinner and fun night. ... Is this really a reasonable reaction?

What we are all saying is that she didn't invite a different group of people to the same event. She invited different people to a completely different event.
For example:  I plan to invite 3 girlfriends for dinner on Friday night. Two of them comes down with the Flu and we decide to postpone. So I decide to invite my sister and BIL over to eat the Prime Rib I had bought. Would the one guest original invited for a girls night really have a reason to be upset that she wasn't invited to the family dinner?

I completely get your point, and no, I wouldn't be even slightly upset if I were a guest in this scenario. As I've said each time, I would by no means begrudge a meal given to a homeless person.

I was attempting to discuss a more general principle. Others are focusing on just this particular situation, which is what the thread was about, after all, which is fine.

Shoo

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #80 on: September 27, 2013, 12:06:11 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

turnip

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #81 on: September 27, 2013, 12:59:52 PM »
The more time I spend on eHell, the more strongly I feel that wedding celebrations should be abolished / forbidden. So much potential for disaster / contention / bad feeling / bitter quarrelling.  Let it just be a brief, totally dull official function with the couple, the officiant / registrar, and the one or two necessary witnesses.  A separate -- very simple, "bare-bones" -- religious ceremony, for those who wish for one.  Let any celebrating "over-and-above", be totally ad hoc and informal. If I were a country's dictator, that's what I'd decree and enforce -- I do feel that it would significantly reduce life's overall misery-content.

I don't think they should be abolished, but I really wish people would stop insisting on going to a wedding if they hate weddings and don't really like the bride or the groom.    I see so many people say "Ug, I really don't want to go, but social obligations...." and it's like no - don't go!  Stay home!   If the only attendees are genuinely fond of the B&G and willing to ascribe the best motives to their behavior, we'd see a lot less angst.

CakeBeret

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #82 on: September 27, 2013, 01:31:16 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Do people actually do this? Because I've never heard of it, and frankly, I'd be surprised and a little put off if someone offered me money towards my cancelled plane ticket.


Anyway, I think the bottom line in this situation is that no good deed goes unpunished.
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Two Ravens

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #83 on: September 27, 2013, 01:41:09 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

Do you actually think that the hosts of a cancelled wedding are obliged to make up the invited guests transportation costs? And that not doing it would be "screwing them over"?

PastryGoddess

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #84 on: September 27, 2013, 03:03:48 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

Do you actually think that the hosts of a cancelled wedding are obliged to make up the invited guests transportation costs? And that not doing it would be "screwing them over"?

I was wondering that too.  That seems  a bit over the top.

Twik

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #85 on: September 27, 2013, 03:50:41 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

Do you actually think that the hosts of a cancelled wedding are obliged to make up the invited guests transportation costs? And that not doing it would be "screwing them over"?

I was wondering that too.  That seems  a bit over the top.

Yes. By cancelling the wedding 40 days out, I'm sure the guests have also had a chance to reclaim much of their expected expenditures, such as cancelling hotel rooms and car rentals. They may be able to recoup the money spent on gifts (if it's even been spent yet). So, the guests would be in a much better financial situation than if the wedding had actually gone off. They should be thanking the less-than-happy couple for saving them so much, actually.
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Yvaine

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #86 on: September 27, 2013, 03:55:51 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

Do you actually think that the hosts of a cancelled wedding are obliged to make up the invited guests transportation costs? And that not doing it would be "screwing them over"?

I was wondering that too.  That seems  a bit over the top.

Yes. By cancelling the wedding 40 days out, I'm sure the guests have also had a chance to reclaim much of their expected expenditures, such as cancelling hotel rooms and car rentals. They may be able to recoup the money spent on gifts (if it's even been spent yet). So, the guests would be in a much better financial situation than if the wedding had actually gone off. They should be thanking the less-than-happy couple for saving them so much, actually.

Not to mention, it wouldn't surprise me if the food was nonrefundable and that's part of the reason they repurposed it instead of canceling it in the first place.

Winterlight

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #87 on: September 27, 2013, 08:16:38 PM »
If you want to express your idea of helping others, just make sure that you're not screwing over others.

How in the world are you "screwing over" one of your wedding guests by telling them 40 days before the wedding that it's off, and then not spending money on a party for them????

I'd say the only person screwed over here was the dumped bride.
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zinzin

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #88 on: September 27, 2013, 08:39:04 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

I would suggest that if someone is so insensitive to expect/accept recompense for their plane tickets for a cancelled wedding, then they really should never have RSVP'd yes to the wedding at all - if your major concern upon an invite is "huh, how much will I be out if this shindig gets cancelled", it's probably a clear sign you should just stay home.

If I can afford to go to a wedding, I make plans to do so. If I can't, I don't (and in case of "but what if they will be mad?" doesn't apply because I wouldn't attend the wedding of someone who wouldn't understand anyway - I wouldn't put the effort into maintaining such a relationship). Therefore, it's no issue if it gets cancelled, because I'm an adult who made my own financial decision and can live with the consequences, because I understand that life happens, life isn't fair, and sometimes things change.

Honestly, compensating guests for their decision to come? I can't even imagine someone thinking to do that, or thinking to accept it. Life isn't a guarantee. Anyone who hears about a cancel wedding and their reaction is to be a bitter little bear about money out of their pocket is frankly ridiculously selfish. If they took offense over the reception being held to benefit the homeless? Well, I don't even know what to say about them in that case. I can't see how it's in any way "good etiquette" to be jealous/miffed about someone less fortunate than yourself benefiting from what is usually a bad-for-all situation.

And in the end, 40 days is hardly short notice. As pointed out earlier in that thread, it's often barely after invites have gone out.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2013, 08:47:02 PM by zinzin »

Shoo

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Re: fabulous etiquette solution for a cancelled wedding
« Reply #89 on: September 27, 2013, 08:46:56 PM »
Maybe, if they could have gotten a refund, part of that refund could have gone to the friends and family who purchased nonrefundable airline tickets.  I think THAT would have been the charitable thing to do.  And I think that might be what some are referring to as "screwing over your guests."

Whatever is leftover could have gone to the party for the homeless.  Then, at least, nobody is really out anything.

Do you actually think that the hosts of a cancelled wedding are obliged to make up the invited guests transportation costs? And that not doing it would be "screwing them over"?

I was simply offering a possible explanation of what someone who said that might be thinking.  I never said I thought this. 

You obviously didn't notice that I put "screwing over your guests" in quotation marks.  I wasn't the one who said it. 
« Last Edit: September 27, 2013, 08:51:26 PM by Shoo »