Author Topic: No kids allowed  (Read 7905 times)

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Knitterly

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No kids allowed
« on: September 25, 2013, 09:15:48 AM »
I am about to send the following email.  Please let me know if it needs to be reworded.  I'm trying to be as polite as possible with a friend who brings her kids everywhere.
I sent out an invite to an all you can eat sushi place.  I forgot to include the email addresses of two friends, so I am forwarding the message to them with a little note.

Is the note on the forwarded message a little heavy or okay?  I had tried to arrange this a few weeks ago, but no one could make it.  Friend declined on the basis that she was away and her husband wouldn't want to try take both kids by himself to a restaurant.  I felt a bit awkward at the wording as her kids weren't actually invited, but I hadn't mentioned that we weren't bringing Little K, so it was a reasonable misunderstanding.

Quote
CRUD MONKEYS!, I am so sorry, I just realized I forgot to include your email address on this email.
Friend, I know the kids don't care much for sushi.  Mr K and I won't be bringing Little K along.  We're hoping for a fun night of grown up conversation.  ;) I hope you're able to make it.

---forwarded message----

I'm trying again to do a sushi night this weekend to celebrate my birthday.  I'd love it if you could come.  Mr K and I are planning on leaving Little K with a sitter and hitting up [restaurant] on [day] at [time].
Please RSVP by xxxx so I can call to make a reservation.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2013, 09:27:47 AM by Knitterly »

LeeLieLow

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2013, 09:28:07 AM »
Is this a hosted dinner or an unhosted dinner?  I don't think your email is clear at all.  If friends always bring their children, then they will be bringing their children to this also.

Maybe the wording should be "Are you available and have a sitter on XYZ because we are having an adult only dinner ABC restaurant." 

 

MindsEye

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2013, 09:29:17 AM »
OP, since you know that this person brings her kids everywhere, and since you (I assume) don't want her to bring her kids on this occasion, I think that you are still being too coy.  You are assuming that she will pick up on the "no kids" vibe... however, I think that that is really unlikely given the back story that you shared.

I think that this is an occasion where you need to clearly spell things out.  Here is how I would reword your email:

"CRUD MONKEYS!, I am so sorry, I just realized I forgot to include your email address on this email.
Mr K and I won't be bringing Little K along.  We're want a fun night of grown up conversation, without any kids there to distract.  ;) I hope you're able to make it, but I understand if you can't come because you would rather not leave your kids at home."

Knitterly

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2013, 09:33:14 AM »
Is this a hosted dinner or an unhosted dinner?  I don't think your email is clear at all.  If friends always bring their children, then they will be bringing their children to this also.

Maybe the wording should be "Are you available and have a sitter on XYZ because we are having an adult only dinner ABC restaurant."

What do you mean by hosted or unhosted?  As in, am I paying?
No, the way things work in my social group is it is absolutely understood that you pay for yourself unless it's explicitly stated otherwise.  So I guess it's unhosted?
That said, I'm still issuing the invitation, and the invitation doesn't include her kids.

That said, I actually don't want her kids there.  It will change the dynamic significantly, especially in terms of conversation that is "allowed".  I've gone to great lengths and to secure a sitter, and it will be my first time leaving LK with a non-family sitter.  It would be extremely annoying to have gone to such lengths for my own kid only to have someone else change the dynamic anyway by bringing their kid (and Friend has one kid the same age as LK).

lowspark

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2013, 09:36:35 AM »
There is absolutely nothing wrong with requesting no kids. Whether it's dinner out, dinner at your home, drinks at the bar, even a picnic in the park. Your event (regardless of who is paying), your invitation list.

I like mindseye's wording. I agree that it's important to make it crystal clear that kids are not invited. So saying "come without your kids or don't come" in a polite way, of course, is the way to go.

Shoo

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2013, 10:22:18 AM »
I think you're going to have to be more clear.  A person who takes their kids everywhere isn't going to pick up on it, based on what you're saying. 

"This is an adults only dinner.  Hope you can find a sitter so you can join us!"

cwm

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2013, 10:29:20 AM »
I agree with PPs, if this person brings her kids everywhere, she's not likely to pick up on a subtle cue.

Shoo and MindsEye have some good wording to use, but make it absolutely clear beforehand that kids aren't going to be welcome or she may end up bringing them anyway.

Hmmmmm

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2013, 10:30:32 AM »
OP, since you know that this person brings her kids everywhere, and since you (I assume) don't want her to bring her kids on this occasion, I think that you are still being too coy.  You are assuming that she will pick up on the "no kids" vibe... however, I think that that is really unlikely given the back story that you shared.

I think that this is an occasion where you need to clearly spell things out.  Here is how I would reword your email:

"CRUD MONKEYS!, I am so sorry, I just realized I forgot to include your email address on this email.
Mr K and I won't be bringing Little K along.  We're want a fun night of grown up conversation, without any kids there to distract.  ;) I hope you're able to make it, but I understand if you can't come because you would rather not leave your kids at home."

I like this wording.

Roe

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2013, 11:01:22 AM »
I think you're going to have to be more clear.  A person who takes their kids everywhere isn't going to pick up on it, based on what you're saying. 

"This is an adults only dinner.  Hope you can find a sitter so you can join us!"

Pod. Be clear in what you want.

acicularis

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2013, 11:11:44 AM »
For someone who can take a hint, your email might be fine. But if she always brings her kids, even if she gets the hint, she will probably choose to ignore it.

Consider saying something like "We're planning an adults only dinner, and I'm leaving Little Knit with a sitter. I hope you can find a sitter so you're able to join us."

shhh its me

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2013, 11:12:54 AM »
  I would call. Wether you call or email  She told you she planned on bringing her kids tell he flat out. "I think there was a misunderstanding. I was planning an adult only evening. I hope you're able to get a sitter."

WillyNilly

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2013, 11:19:07 AM »
I'd start the conversation with "can you get a sitter for Saturday night?" Then I'd go on to say "a group of us are going out for sushi, and we'd love for your and your DH to come along, but no one is bringing kids and we'd like to keep it adult."

DavidH

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2013, 11:53:01 AM »
I'd vote with bring direct, and I think since the tone is important a call is the way to go. 

I recently invited a friend to dinner and they asked if they could bring their toddler.  I said that it was an adults only type of party, formal sit down dinner, but that we'd love to get together another time with them and their child.  They didn't seem put out at all.

I think the key is making it about adults only, rather than not bringing their child if that makes sense.  It's not that you don't want to see their child (even if that's the case), just that this occasion is not suitable for children. 

TootsNYC

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2013, 12:00:48 PM »
OP, since you know that this person brings her kids everywhere, and since you (I assume) don't want her to bring her kids on this occasion, I think that you are still being too coy.  You are assuming that she will pick up on the "no kids" vibe... however, I think that that is really unlikely given the back story that you shared.

I think that this is an occasion where you need to clearly spell things out.  Here is how I would reword your email:

"CRUD MONKEYS!, I am so sorry, I just realized I forgot to include your email address on this email.
Mr K and I won't be bringing Little K along.  We're want a fun night of grown up conversation, without any kids there to distract.  ;) I hope you're able to make it, but I understand if you can't come because you would rather not leave your kids at home."

I like this wording.

Ditto. Because it specifically says, "if you can't come"--it lays out that other option.

You could be even clearer:  "We're organizing a grownups-only get together. If you can find a sitter, we'd love to have you come."

Feel free to add stuff like: "I'm so hungry for conversation with people who are taller than 3 feet!" or "I need grownup time and grownup conversations--maybe even with swear words, LOL!"

Even, "I've gone to great lengths to secure a sitter, even though our usual family members aren't available. That's how important it is to me to get away from the 'mom of little kids' vibe. If you and Hubby can find a sitter, I'd love to see you. I miss being a grownup with you!"

Tell her what you want, what is important to you: "It's important to me to be with only grownups. It's so important, in fact, that I spent a lot of time finding a non-family sitter so that I can do this."

I think you can even say: "including your kids would completely change the vibe, so if you can't find a sitter, we'll have to get together on our own some other time."



Zilla

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Re: No kids allowed
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2013, 12:14:28 PM »
You actually give a tiny loophole to your friend by mentioning that because kids don't like sushi, you are leaving your kid and suggesting she leave her kids at home too.  Well she can say, "Oh but my kids love sushi or they can order this instead etc."


I would be more clear as others suggest and just write, "There will be no children at this get together as we would love to have just grownup time.  Hope you can make it!"