Author Topic: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers  (Read 4599 times)

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Margo

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #30 on: September 27, 2013, 04:29:31 PM »
I think you are way overthinking this. Since Grandpa is 90 and can ride with MDD, that issue is resolved. I know you don't want to hurt your YDD's feelings, but frankly if she is so unbearable that neither of her sisters can tolerate having her ride with them, then it sounds like natural consequences of her own behavior. She is an adult, presumably healthy and able bodied. She should be responsible for her own transportation both ways. You running around for hours taxiing her about while you are simultaneously trying to prepare to host these events is, IMHO, way over the top and shouldn't even be a consideration. She's not a little kid anymore; if she wants to come, she'll figure out a way to get there.

I agree with this. (and if you WANT to, you can offer to help YD with her bus fare, but you are not under any obligation to provide transport for eitherof them)

As an aside, are you going to be able to host, to enjoy your guests company if you do so much driving on top of prep. for the party? It seems to me that you could wind up too tired to enjoy your own party.

MOM21SON

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #31 on: September 27, 2013, 06:05:02 PM »
Sometimes in life we do things to make things easier on the ones we do get along with. 

I think for both of your daughters to not think about how this would be helping YOU is terrible.

rose red

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #32 on: September 27, 2013, 06:16:01 PM »
Sometimes in life we do things to make things easier on the ones we do get along with. 

I think for both of your daughters to not think about how this would be helping YOU is terrible.

If she drives away two sisters and her own mother understand the reason, there is something more than the usual sibling annoyance and not getting along.  There are relatives that I can be in the same house because I can avoid them, but will make me ill if confined in a car for even an hour.  Sorry, but I won't put myself in that position even for my beloved mother.

whatsanenigma

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2013, 06:26:41 PM »
Sometimes in life we do things to make things easier on the ones we do get along with. 

I think for both of your daughters to not think about how this would be helping YOU is terrible.

If she drives away two sisters and her own mother understand the reason, there is something more than the usual sibling annoyance and not getting along.  There are relatives that I can be in the same house because I can avoid them, but will make me ill if confined in a car for even an hour.  Sorry, but I won't put myself in that position even for my beloved mother.

This is the crux of it for me.

I don't drive either-I've tried to learn multiple times but can't manage it.  Coordination issues, I guess.  And part of getting along in the world, when you can't drive, is to be nice to people and not burn your bridges.  When you are nice and people like having you around, they are more willing to help you get places with them, even if it is a bit out of their way.  (That's not the only reason you should be nice, of course, but it is one of the benefits.)

If this sister has managed to drive off so many relatives, then she's lost any claim she might have had to the "do it for family" thing, I think.  And how much fun will the event be, anyway, with that conflict between the sisters?

As I believe someone upthread said, "Bed. Made. Lie".  Whatever works to get the elderly relative there, I don't think it has to include her.  I assume that people are willing to go out of the way to get the elderly relative because they genuinely want the relative there, that they feel the event would not be as good without that person.  The opposite seems to be true for the sister.

And if she does really want to come, she can find her own way, as that is another part of not driving-being willing to fork over the cash for alternative transportation.

RubyCat

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #34 on: September 27, 2013, 09:46:32 PM »
Youngest daughter has decided not to come to tomorrow's party. Problem solved.

Earlier in the day, oldest daughter called me and offered to drive youngest daughter, not because she wanted to spend time with her but because she loves me. It meant a lot to hear that, because oldest daughter has been very stressed lately and would be going out of her way to make the pickup.

Youngest daughter has decided to spend the day with her boyfriend. It's probably for the best. She sometimes gets anxious around large groups of people. If she feels she's not up for it, that's ok.

All that angst for nothing I guess. 

As far as next week's party goes, I think I will let the family sort it out amongst themselves.

MOM21SON

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2013, 09:10:17 AM »
Youngest daughter has decided not to come to tomorrow's party. Problem solved.

Earlier in the day, oldest daughter called me and offered to drive youngest daughter, not because she wanted to spend time with her but because she loves me. It meant a lot to hear that, because oldest daughter has been very stressed lately and would be going out of her way to make the pickup.

Youngest daughter has decided to spend the day with her boyfriend. It's probably for the best. She sometimes gets anxious around large groups of people. If she feels she's not up for it, that's ok.

All that angst for nothing I guess. 

As far as next week's party goes, I think I will let the family sort it out amongst themselves.

I am glad it all worked out.

I am proud of your daughter, that is exactly what I was talking about.

blarg314

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #36 on: September 28, 2013, 08:43:35 PM »

I'd be a bit careful in the future about pushing the older daughters to suck it up for the sake of family harmony. It's a very common dynamic for the reasonable members of the group to be asked to indulge the badly behaved ones because it causes less fuss. But it also shields the badly behaved members from ever having to deal with the consequences of their actions (or seeing any need to change), and can cause major long term resentment.

So in the future, if YD's only way to get to a party is to get a ride with one of her sisters, and neither sister is willing to spend an hour in a car with her (with reason), then YD has to find her own way to the party, or learn to be nicer to her siblings.  In my experience, when there's a history of the behaviour involved, asking YD to behave nicely if she gets a ride this time is unlikely to be very successful.


RubyCat

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #37 on: September 28, 2013, 10:17:46 PM »
Actually, I didn't push. When older daughter first said that she didn't want to pick up youngest daughter, I told her that it was okay and I completely understood. She called me back a few days later and volunteered. That's what made it so sweet of her. And knowing how she felt about it, I would  not have accepted her offer anyway.

As I said earlier, I totally understand where the two older daughters are coming from.

Party was today and granddad and uncle came with middle daughter and her family. It was a tight squeeze but they made it work and I appreciate that they were able to come.  There was lots of good food and lots of good company. It was a very nice day and we hope to do it again next year.

katycoo

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2013, 11:06:18 AM »
I'm glad the party went well and everything worked out.

For future though, I do think you need to encourage YDD to make her own way.  While I don't know the specifics of her fallout with the other sisters, it sounds to be something of her own making and we wear the consequences of our actions.
Assuming she cooses not to drive, and she chooses not to modify her behaviour so that her sisters will be willing to accomodate her, she shoudl bear the financial and time consuming costs of catching the bus.  You picking her up merely enables her and does nothing to show her that these actions aren't acceptable.

RubyCat

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #39 on: September 29, 2013, 08:07:51 PM »
Going forward, I think I'm just going to stay out of it and let everyone else sort out the transportation.  I will definitely do so for next week's party.

As far as youngest daughter goes, she's sort of a tough case in that she lives with mental illness.  We all, as a family, have given her a lot of leeway because of this.  She's a smart girl, though, and able to do the things that she wants to do, whether it be to travel from the city to the suburbs via public transportation, switching from buses to trains, etc.  I just wish she felt the need to do more with her life like get a job, further her education, do some volunteer work or anything else that might help her build a good life for herself.  Also, she knows how to drive - I taught her and other family members used to take her out to practice.  She just never followed through.  Instead, she chooses to mooch of an elderly uncle (who allows it, so I blame him as well) and hang out with her no good boyfriend who would rather live in a shelter, hang around his brother's house playing video games and smoking marijuana than do anything to make a life for himself. 

She has a couple of different diagnoses going on, one of which is schizoaffective disorder and if she suffered from only that, I think she'd be doing well as she seems to be learning to manage it pretty well.  Unfortunately she was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  She seems to love to stir up trouble.  When she was living in a group home, I can recall her laughing and telling me how she would pit one girl against another and then sit back and watch them fight.  It's gotten to the point where I don't believe at least half of what she tells me.  She's done many other things.  I even had to press charges on her for something very serious when she was still a teen that got her sent away to residential treatment.  She knows right from wrong but will often choose wrong and not care about who gets hurt until it comes back to effect her.

Her sisters are tired of the never ending drama and don't have anything left to give.  They've been through hell.  And to be honest, I'm pretty much done, too.  If she ever wants to make an honest effort to pull her life together, I'll do whatever I can to make it happen (and I'm pretty sure her sisters would too), but we've all been burned too many times at this point.  It's heartbreaking, but it's the ugly reality of the situation.  I guess if there is an up side, she's a smart and pretty girl and she always finds a way to get by.  Meanwhile I try to keep enough contact so that I know she's okay and I keep her in my prayers.

sammycat

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #40 on: September 29, 2013, 09:35:23 PM »
RubyCat (((HUGS))) 

I have a family friend in a similar situation and I've watched how hard it has been on her and the rest of the family. I applaud you for letting your daughter feel the effects of her actions by not going and picking her up for the parry. I wish my friend would try a bit more of the 'tough love' technique, but she rarely does, and other innocent people have to put up with the results.

LadyL

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #41 on: October 08, 2013, 12:18:11 PM »
She has a couple of different diagnoses going on, one of which is schizoaffective disorder and if she suffered from only that, I think she'd be doing well as she seems to be learning to manage it pretty well.  Unfortunately she was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  She seems to love to stir up trouble.  When she was living in a group home, I can recall her laughing and telling me how she would pit one girl against another and then sit back and watch them fight.  It's gotten to the point where I don't believe at least half of what she tells me.  She's done many other things.  I even had to press charges on her for something very serious when she was still a teen that got her sent away to residential treatment.  She knows right from wrong but will often choose wrong and not care about who gets hurt until it comes back to effect her.

Her sisters are tired of the never ending drama and don't have anything left to give.  They've been through hell.  And to be honest, I'm pretty much done, too. 

::HUGS::

I am familiar with BPD and you have my sympathies, it can be very tough. My clinician friend calls people like your daughter "social terrorists." I agree with the others who say that your daughter may deserve sympathy and compassion but that also allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior seems like the healthiest option for your family.

mbbored

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Re: Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers
« Reply #42 on: October 08, 2013, 01:27:24 PM »
She has a couple of different diagnoses going on, one of which is schizoaffective disorder and if she suffered from only that, I think she'd be doing well as she seems to be learning to manage it pretty well.  Unfortunately she was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  She seems to love to stir up trouble.  When she was living in a group home, I can recall her laughing and telling me how she would pit one girl against another and then sit back and watch them fight.  It's gotten to the point where I don't believe at least half of what she tells me.  She's done many other things.  I even had to press charges on her for something very serious when she was still a teen that got her sent away to residential treatment.  She knows right from wrong but will often choose wrong and not care about who gets hurt until it comes back to effect her.

Her sisters are tired of the never ending drama and don't have anything left to give.  They've been through hell.  And to be honest, I'm pretty much done, too. 

::HUGS::

I am familiar with BPD and you have my sympathies, it can be very tough. My clinician friend calls people like your daughter "social terrorists." I agree with the others who say that your daughter may deserve sympathy and compassion but that also allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior seems like the healthiest option for your family.

Agreed. I think it's very considerate to arrange transportation for the disabled and/or elderly. However, somebody young and able bodied should be able to arrange their own transportation to events. If your daughter got along with her sisters, that could include asking one of them for a ride. However, she does need to deal with the consequences of her behavior. If she wants to attend a family event, she should take a bus, etc.