Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers

[RubyCat]

I believe this subject has come up in the last few months, but I don't recall what the conclusion was.  What is the host's obligations as far as arranging transportation when inviting somebody who does not or cannot drive?

Dh and I are having a party this Saturday.  We live an hour's drive away from my granddad, who recently gave up his license and my youngest daughter who has never gotten one.  I feel that if I invited them, I should make some sort of arrangement to get them here, especially my granddad who is quite elderly.  Youngest daughter could, in theory, take the bus but it is a bit expensive.

My oldest daughter would be willing to drive granddad even though it will take her out of her way but says there is no way she is able to stand being in a car with youngest daughter for the hour's drive.  Youngest daughter is kind of hard to take sometimes and I totally understand where oldest daughter is coming from.  Youngest daughter and granddad live in the same building.

I guess I could drive two round trips to get them myself, but I have things to take care of at home before and after the party.  Spending 4 hours in the car transporting them is a lot. (An hour to go get them, an hour to bring them to my house, an hour to bring them home, and hour to drive myself home.) I get exhausted just thinking about it.

I'm leaning toward just doing all the driving myself but I'm wondering about what ettiquette requires. And also how much responsibility guest lies with the guests?  How much does somebody's age and health play into it?

Oh, and one other question.  The following weekend we are having another party involving many of the same people.  If I do all the driving for the first party, am I obligated to do all the driving the following week?  I might be able to pull it off the first week but because of my work schedule, it would be exhausting to try to pull it off the second week.

[LadyL]

I believe this subject has come up in the last few months, but I don't recall what the conclusion was.  What is the host's obligations as far as arranging transportation when inviting somebody who does not or cannot drive?

I don't think you have any obligation in the sense of it being polite to provide transportation and impolite not to do so. I do think that it is a nice thing, if you can swing it, to help make things easier for people - but I wouldn't say it's required.

I vote for oldest daughter drives grand dad and youngest takes the bus. If the youngest is difficult and doesn't have a license I don't think she is owed a favor. Grandpa gets a break due to age but should be looking into options like a senior transport service or moving closer to immediate family if transportation is going to be a frequent issue.

I do think that if you are hosting you really shouldn't be expected to also transport guests.

[camlan]

Etiquette does not require that a host provide transportation to an event.

However, family feeling might.

In my case, when I invite someone who is elderly and who might feel that asking for transportation would be an imposition, I figure out ahead of time who might be available to drive them. Then I include in the invitation, "If you need a ride, please let me know. Tom/Sue/Bill will be happy to pick you up." Mostly, I do this because I know my elderly relatives and know that they wouldn't dream of asking for a ride and they really aren't up to taking public transportation at their ages. And I want them there.

But for someone who isn't ill/infirm/elderly, I leave it up to them to figure out how to get to my house. They have more options--calling a cab, taking public transportation, asking a friend for a lift, asking a family member for a lift. I still want them there, but expect them to be able to figure out how to get where they need to be on their own.

We recently had a family party. Aunt Alice was told, "If your kids can't give you a ride, Bill or Sam can. Just let us know." But the younger cousins just out of college, who don't have their own cars yet, were just invited. It was up to them to call their parents/siblings/other cousins to figure out the logistics.

RubyCat, I see your dilemma is made worse because your DD and Grandfather live in the same building. It's hard to pick up one of them without giving a ride to the other.

In your case, I don't think I would offer rides. It would be just too much time out of your day. And you'd probably have to pick them up fairly early, so you could get home to cook and do the other prep, and then you'd have two extra people hanging around the house, possibly getting in your way as you try to get everything ready.

So, in your shoes, I'd probably arrange a ride for Grandfather, with Oldest Daughter, if that works. Then I'd either tell Youngest Daughter she's on her own, or, most likely, I'd offer to pay her bus fare. Depends on how much you want her there.

And if Youngest Daughter finds out Grandfather is getting a ride and she isn't, I'd point out why--her behavior is such that her own sister doesn't want to give her a ride. Give her something to think about as she takes the bus back and forth.

[rose red]

Etiquette doesn't require you to do any driving at all.  If a guest can't get transportation, they can decline the invitation.  It's nice if you drive because they are family and you want them there, but there is no etiquette rule that says you must (I don't think).  After all, what if you invite 7 coworkers and none of them can drive?  Are you responsible for them too?  I say no.

That said, since the reason Granddad can't drive is because of age, it would be nice to find some way for him to get there.  That seems taken care of by your older DD. 

As for the youngest DD, she's going to keep facing situations like this.  She can spend money to take the bus or decline the invitation.  A bus ticket may be expensive, but so are car payments, insurance, gas, and maintenance which I assume your olderst DD has.

[LadyL]

As for the youngest DD, she's going to keep facing situations like this.  She can spend money to take the bus or decline the invitation.  A bus ticket may be expensive, but so are car payments, insurance, gas, and maintenance which I assume your olderst DD has.

Another option is a rental or zipcar - it might cost $30-60 for the day, but that's nothing compared to the average monthly car payment, insurance, and cost of gas.

[EllenS]

What about other guests and family members?  I agree that while helping gd and ydd get to your house is a gracious thing (and may be necessary if you want to actually see them), it is not an etiquette requirement.

2-4 extra hours of driving, on top of hosting, 2 weeks in a row is too much for anybody.

Isn't there anyone else attending who might live closer to gd and/or be able to put up with ydd?  Would you be open to having them extend the invite to another friend/family member near them who could drive, but might not have been on the original invite list?

[rose red]

As for the youngest DD, she's going to keep facing situations like this.  She can spend money to take the bus or decline the invitation.  A bus ticket may be expensive, but so are car payments, insurance, gas, and maintenance which I assume your olderst DD has.

Another option is a rental or zipcar - it might cost $30-60 for the day, but that's nothing compared to the average monthly car payment, insurance, and cost of gas.

I think the problem is the OP's daughter doesn't have a driver's license why is why her option is the bus since her older sister refuse to drive her.

[katycoo]

Is grandpa so elderly that he4 could not take the bus with YD's assistance if you paid for them both?

[cicero]

I agree that you have no obligation, but it would depend on how much you want them there. To me it would be a huge no-no to drive grandpa and not sister who lives in the same building. That would seem very hurtful to me. How about a comprise? Have other DD drive them one way and they can take the bus back together, or you will drive them back. Explain to YDD that she needs to [not do whatever annoying thing she does] otherwise she is on her own ( and follow thru). 

[YummyMummy66]

You are going to drive an hour each way to get them. So, two two hour trips in one day?   Four hours on the road?

How much gas do you think you are going to use and pay for?

I think I would pay for bus passes for both granddad and daughter if they wish to come to either party.

[Dorrie78]

What a tough situation! Of course, from the etiquette perspective, you are under no obligation to assist with transportation - so don't worry about whether or not you are being rude. On the other hand, this is sticky from the perspective of family relationships. I tend to lean towards having your oldest daughter pick up her grandfather (what a nice chance for the two of them to spend some time together!) and let your younger daughter figure things out on her own. There has to be some consequences for refusing to get a drivers license AND being such a pill that your own sister refuses to be in a car with you.

[cwm]

I agree with the PPs who say that ODD can pick up grandpa if she's willing. If YDD pitches a fit about it, just tell her that it's ODD's car, ODD's rules, and you don't have a say in it. It's the truth, after all.

Etiquette wise, I don't think you're actually required to provide transportation, but if YDD's only options are to catch a bus or get a cab (for an hour ride it would probably be quite expensive) I'd offer to help her with the bus fare if you really want her there.

Driver's licenses aren't for everyone. Several friends I've had never had them, and where they lived they never needed them, until their parents wanted them to come home for something. We don't know YDD's situation, and I don't feel comfortable saying that she should just get a DL so this problem won't happen again.

OP, if you're willing to pay for her bus fare every time you want her to come home and that's her only option, it's still easier than driving to pick her up yourself. And if you don't have the time/money/whatever to drive up there yourself or pay her fare, let her know that ahead of time so she can look for other options or possibly get a bus ticket herself.

[Dorrie78]

I agree with the PPs who say that ODD can pick up grandpa if she's willing. If YDD pitches a fit about it, just tell her that it's ODD's car, ODD's rules, and you don't have a say in it. It's the truth, after all.

Etiquette wise, I don't think you're actually required to provide transportation, but if YDD's only options are to catch a bus or get a cab (for an hour ride it would probably be quite expensive) I'd offer to help her with the bus fare if you really want her there.

Driver's licenses aren't for everyone. Several friends I've had never had them, and where they lived they never needed them, until their parents wanted them to come home for something. We don't know YDD's situation, and I don't feel comfortable saying that she should just get a DL so this problem won't happen again.

OP, if you're willing to pay for her bus fare every time you want her to come home and that's her only option, it's still easier than driving to pick her up yourself. And if you don't have the time/money/whatever to drive up there yourself or pay her fare, let her know that ahead of time so she can look for other options or possibly get a bus ticket herself.

I don't think anyone has said that that the younger daughter needs to go out and get a drivers license, but I have been saying that her refusal to get one is her problem and shouldn't mean that anyone else has to solve her transportation woes for her - and in my opinion, that includes paying her bus fare. Grown ups are responsible for their own choices, and that means that if you choose not to get a license and then you choose to be so annoying that other people don't want to drive you places, than you have made your own bed and you can't expect other people to go out of their way to help you.

[that_one_girl]

If Grandpa is healthy enough that he could take the bus with limited assistance, then maybe  the younger daughter can escort him?

[Waterlight]

Etiquette does not require that a host provide transportation to an event.

However, family feeling might.

In my case, when I invite someone who is elderly and who might feel that asking for transportation would be an imposition, I figure out ahead of time who might be available to drive them. Then I include in the invitation, "If you need a ride, please let me know. Tom/Sue/Bill will be happy to pick you up." Mostly, I do this because I know my elderly relatives and know that they wouldn't dream of asking for a ride and they really aren't up to taking public transportation at their ages. And I want them there.

But for someone who isn't ill/infirm/elderly, I leave it up to them to figure out how to get to my house. They have more options--calling a cab, taking public transportation, asking a friend for a lift, asking a family member for a lift. I still want them there, but expect them to be able to figure out how to get where they need to be on their own.

We recently had a family party. Aunt Alice was told, "If your kids can't give you a ride, Bill or Sam can. Just let us know." But the younger cousins just out of college, who don't have their own cars yet, were just invited. It was up to them to call their parents/siblings/other cousins to figure out the logistics.

RubyCat, I see your dilemma is made worse because your DD and Grandfather live in the same building. It's hard to pick up one of them without giving a ride to the other.

In your case, I don't think I would offer rides. It would be just too much time out of your day. And you'd probably have to pick them up fairly early, so you could get home to cook and do the other prep, and then you'd have two extra people hanging around the house, possibly getting in your way as you try to get everything ready.

So, in your shoes, I'd probably arrange a ride for Grandfather, with Oldest Daughter, if that works. Then I'd either tell Youngest Daughter she's on her own, or, most likely, I'd offer to pay her bus fare. Depends on how much you want her there.

And if Youngest Daughter finds out Grandfather is getting a ride and she isn't, I'd point out why--her behavior is such that her own sister doesn't want to give her a ride. Give her something to think about as she takes the bus back and forth.

POD to all of the above.  If Youngest Daughter wants to come to the party badly enough, she WILL find a way to get there herself--whether by bus, taxi, or finding someone willing to give her a ride.  If she can't get a ride, or thinks it's too much trouble to take the bus, she can always decline.  And I say this as a non-driver myself.  (If I cannot get somewhere by bus, I usually RSVP "no" unless I know people are carpooling to an event and I'm able to arrange a ride.)

I certainly would not expect the hostess to go two hours out of her way to drive anyone to an event.  Nor would I even ask.  AFAIC, getting to an event is my responsibility and I shouldn't foist it off on the person hosting it.