Arranging Transportation for the Elderly and Non-Drivers

[DavidH]

You are definitely not obliged to provide transport to and from your parties.  If it were just your DD, I'd suggest buy her a bus ticket if you really want here there, or leave it up to her how to get there.  For your grandfather, if the bus is not a viable option, I'd tell him that other DD is driving and may be willing to bring him, why doesn't he call her to make arrangements.  It's helpful but doesn't put all of the burden on you.  There remains the matter of youngest DD's reaction to oldest DD picking up grandfather, but not her. 

It seems pretty rude for oldest DD to pick up grandfather, but not younger DD at the same time.  I assume there is some history there.  You might at least tell oldest DD that picking up one and not the other will put you in an awkward spot, particularly when it comes time to leave and youngest DD realizes that oldest is driving grandfather home, but not her.

[rose red]

It seems pretty rude for oldest DD to pick up grandfather, but not younger DD at the same time.  I assume there is some history there.  You might at least tell oldest DD that picking up one and not the other will put you in an awkward spot, particularly when it comes time to leave and youngest DD realizes that oldest is driving grandfather home, but not her.

Her own mother admit she's "hard to take" and "totally understand where oldest daughter is coming from."  I'm afraid you reap what you sow. 

Oldest DD is doing a nice favor for Granddad and should not be punished for not wanting to deal with Youngest DD.  Guilting her into driving Youngest DD may push her into saying "forget it" to the whole thing and Granddad is left without a ride.

[jpcher]

I agree that you have no obligation, but it would depend on how much you want them there. To me it would be a huge no-no to drive grandpa and not sister who lives in the same building. That would seem very hurtful to me. How about a comprise? Have other DD drive them one way and they can take the bus back together, or you will drive them back. Explain to YDD that she needs to [not do whatever annoying thing she does] otherwise she is on her own ( and follow thru).

I completely agree with the above.

If I were YDD and ODD transported Grandpa back and forth to the party while I had to find my own transportation? That would just dig the shovel deeper into whatever stuff is already going on.

If ODD is transporting Grandpa, then she really should transport YDD too. Explain to both the DDs that they really need to put their differences aside for one day.

If they can't do that, then I go with YDD escorting Grandpa on the bus.



rose red -- you posted while I was typing . . . Yes, there seems to be a bit of background that we're missing.

Without the actual facts of the dissension between the DDs, I think that both the DDs should be able to politely "suck it up" without ODD feeling punished or guilted or YDD acting like a brat(?) so that OP can have all of her family around for a wonderful party without OP having to stress over transportation.

[Winterlight]

I don't have a car at the moment. It's my job to figure out my own transport, whether it's by bus or by catching a ride with friends.

[RubyCat]

Thanks for sharing your opinions. Last night I thought I may have come up with a solution. Middle daughter and her family also live in the same building as granddad and youngest daughter. She and her husband and their baby daughter will be bringing elderly uncle and I asked if she could squeeze granddad in to her vehicle. She agreed. However, the baby's car seat takes up a lot of room so it sounds uncomfortable for an hour's drive. That would still have left youngest daughter to talke the bus but not having room for her should be less hurtful than your sister won't let you in her car.

Picking up granddad means that oldest daughter would be going out of her way. Although I understand why she doesn't want to drive youngest daughter (yes, there is history), I don't want youngest daughters feelings hurt. I might just end up doing the driving myself. Although Granddad does pretty well for 90 years old, he would have difficulty getting up the stairs of a bus, so I can't ask him to take it.

The way it looks right now, I'll just end up doing all the driving the week but not next. I really would like everyone to be able to attend because dh's family will be joining us and when we eloped 3 years ago, we had always intended to have a cookout at some point so that our families could meet.  It will be a lot of driving for me but it seems the best way for me to get what I want.

[Amara]

Would your oldest DD be willing to compromise and pick up your YDD along with Granddad and bring them there? Then you can taken them home. That will at least split the responsibility and time on the road.

[sammycat]

Could ODD take grandad and the elderly uncle, while YDD drives with MDD?

[hannahmollysmom]

Could ODD take grandad and the elderly uncle, while YDD drives with MDD?

This would be my solution!

[RubyCat]

It's a great idea except that middle daughter won't drive her either. (History again).

[DavidH]

I think the idea of grandad driving with MDD and YDD taking the bus makes the most sense, since the car is full and grandad is too old to take the bus shouldn't be hurtful to YDD, whereas saying we have an empty seat in the car, but you are too unpleasant to spend an hour with is very hurtful whether or not it's justified. 

You may want to point out to ODD and MDD that not driving YDD will mean that you have to drive the round trip twice, so what they are really doing is inconveniencing you more than YDD. 

As an aside, if the hour in the car is unbearable, what are they doing to do at the even when she is there?

[EllenS]

This may be a bit overkill, but if your daughters can't put their differences aside (or control their behavior) for one hour with a car full of babies and/or elderly relatives to buffer them, how are they going to manage at 2 parties in 2 weeks?

[Dorrie78]

I think the idea of grandad driving with MDD and YDD taking the bus makes the most sense, since the car is full and grandad is too old to take the bus shouldn't be hurtful to YDD, whereas saying we have an empty seat in the car, but you are too unpleasant to spend an hour with is very hurtful whether or not it's justified. 

You may want to point out to ODD and MDD that not driving YDD will mean that you have to drive the round trip twice, so what they are really doing is inconveniencing you more than YDD. 

As an aside, if the hour in the car is unbearable, what are they doing to do at the even when she is there?

Wow, do I completely disagree with laying this guilt trip on the other daughters. Both daughters refuse to drive the other daughter and according to the OP, there is a back story and this is a reasonable reaction. If the other daughters refuse to drive the younger  daughter, the OP most certainly doesn't have to drive anywhere - youngest daughter can take a bus. If I were one of these other daughters I would resent the heck out of being guilted like this.

And there is a big difference between being at a party with lots of people and probably multiple rooms than being stuck in a car for an hour with no where to escape.

[TootsNYC]

You're still her mother--can you not talk to your youngest daughter and tell her to behave herself during the drive?

People are right--etiquette does not ever ask the hosts to do anything more than host.

Hosts aren't even supposed to run around lining up other drivers.

Guests are supposed to be grownups, who ought to be able to get themselves to anywhere they need or want to go.

So invite them, and don't say anything about transportation.
   If one of their strategies for getting where they want to go is to ask favors of friends and family, they can do that all on their own. They're grownup enough to live independently--they can ask for favors, etc., all by themselves.

Of course, individual human beings also have other conversations, so it's possible one of them might ask you for help, or for suggestions. That's quite apart from your role as a host--that's your role as a family member.

And if one of the daughters wants to call Grandpa and volunteer to drive him, she isn't required to call her sister and make the same offer, even if Annoying Sis does live in the same bldg as Gramps.
    That daughter might run the risk that Annoying Sis will get mad--that's on her. But you shouldn't be interfering in the relationship in that spot by taking Driving Sis's side. (I think it's OK to interfere by telling Annoying Sis, if you hear about the problem, "well, perhaps you should consider why she doesn't want to offer the ride to you." and any other observations, such as, "I hear you constantly saying rude things to her--what did you think would happen?").

And if Annoying Sis won't get a driver's license--well, that's the price she pays. If she doesn't want to pay that price, she can go get a license. (I will say that I'm reacting a bit based on my BIL, who announced that he wasn't going to get a license, bcs he thought it would be too hard, he didn't want to drive in the city, etc. My response, "OK, but it's really out of line for you to expect to be chauffeured everywhere you want to go then. Esp. when you're assuming my DH will drive you late at night, etc., AND drive back." Maybe your Annoying Daughter has a medical reason not to get a license, or something. But that still doesn't absolve her from the responsibility for arranging her own transportation.)


I actually think that once kids move out of the house, parents should NOT be taking the initiative to arrange transportation, etc., for them.


also--difficulty getting up the steps of a bus is not "unable"--Granddad can surely withstand a small bit of difficulty. I don't know where you live--most cities in the US have buses that are able to help elderly or disable people get on them.


I get that doing all that driving is the best way to get what you want, but honestly--these are grownups. Tell them that this party is REALLY important to you, and you REALLY want them there, and let them figure it out. Or at least make them participate in the discussion!!!

[SamiHami]

I think you are way overthinking this. Since Grandpa is 90 and can ride with MDD, that issue is resolved. I know you don't want to hurt your YDD's feelings, but frankly if she is so unbearable that neither of her sisters can tolerate having her ride with them, then it sounds like natural consequences of her own behavior. She is an adult, presumably healthy and able bodied. She should be responsible for her own transportation both ways. You running around for hours taxiing her about while you are simultaneously trying to prepare to host these events is, IMHO, way over the top and shouldn't even be a consideration. She's not a little kid anymore; if she wants to come, she'll figure out a way to get there.

[rose red]

Since Granddad can get a ride with middle DD, I don't understand why Youngest DD can't take a bus.  How expensive is it anyway?  More than a tankful of gas?  Is a train an option?  I don't know what the "history" is, but stressing yourself by going out of your way to give her a special ride during your nonexistent time is not going to win her any points with her sisters.  I know I would feel both guilty and resentful if my mother felt "forced" to do that.