Author Topic: Who, if anyone, was rude?  (Read 2177 times)

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Iris

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Who, if anyone, was rude?
« on: September 26, 2013, 08:01:39 PM »
An incident occurred a few days ago and although I'm not directly involved I would be curious to hear the opinions of the Ehellions. Sorry about the length but it's a bit convoluted.

bg - there is a popular chain of restaurants that we have regularly used for family dinners. The service has been going down hill there for some time until the last time we went there the service was SO bad and our food was so inedible that DH sent most of it back and refused to pay for a lot of it. We vowed to never go to that restaurant again. /bg

A few days ago my SIL messaged us to invite us to our niece's family birthday dinner. To be held at AwfulChain. DH and I privately discussed our surprise that they would choose that venue (they were at the Lunch From Heck) but figured maybe DN chose it and we replied that sure, we'd come. After all, it's a special occasion. However SIL got back to us and said the earliest reservation that they could get was quite late which meant we couldn't make it as DH has to get to work. DH replied that that was a shame and were there any other options as we'd hate to miss seeing DN for her birthday. So in the end we're going to a different restaurant at an earlier time.

Separately to this MIL and FIL had arranged to come to our house for a visit. Now, MIL and FIL have a history of not liking to travel so since we were going to be seeing them at Niece's birthday and again for DD's birthday both this weekend, when DH invited them to DD's birthday he asked if they still planned to visit given that we would see them twice anyway. MIL mentioned that they weren't going to DN's (their granddaughter's) birthday because they refused to eat at AwfulChain. DH, without thinking, said "But that was changed days ago". When he got off the phone he said "Oops, I don't think I should have said that", but too late. Next thing we heard MIL phoned BIL and announced that now that dinner was at a different restaurant they'd come.

Now, I'm used to DH's family putting the fun in dysfunctional, but all of this made my brain hurt. SIL for inviting us to a restaurant she knows we don't like, MIL for refusing to attend her granddaughter's birthday because of a restaurant, DH requesting a change of venue, and then telling his mother about it, and finally MIL announcing that she would come now, although I would have thought not being notified of the change of venue was a bit of a big hint that maybe they didn't want her there. So I thought I'd come and get your perspectives, folks.

I don't need advice because my long standing policy is Stay The Heck Out Of It combined with Wine Makes The Brain Ouchies Stop :) but I would appreciate being told whether I am right and they are all rude (or just mad) or alternatively gaining some perspective. Especially since I still have to survive the dinner.

And a big virtual cookie to anyone who made it this far.
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Zizi-K

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2013, 08:42:32 PM »
I don't know that anyone was rude in this scenario, but I suspect that they were accommodating to your husband's work schedule because you expressed interest in celebrating with your family instead of prioritizing your restaurant preferences. The in-laws did the opposite, and it's possible that they rubbed the party hosts the wrong way with their refusal to come based on the restaurant, that they conveniently neglected to notify the in-laws about the change of venue. After all, the point of the event isn't to treat people to a meal, it's to celebrate a birthday. The ILs just showed themselves in a negative light when they refused the invitation, and the party hosts showed themselves to be human in being hurt or miffed in reaction to the ILs.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2013, 10:12:15 PM »
I don't think anyone rude.

Niece may have really wanted awful chain but once GPs and you guys had to bow out they decided it wasn't worth missing out on everyone. DH saying "that time won't work could we move to a different location and time" indicates he really wants to come. DH mentioning change in conversation is no biggie to me. It would have seemed like he was hiding something if he hadn't said something. GP changing decision is the closest but no one would have been concerned in our family.

TootsNYC

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2013, 10:20:33 PM »
I don't think it was rude to schedule at that restaurant. Maybe they figured something might have changed. Or forgot (even if they *were* there) or got confused which restaurant it was.

Your DH was absolutely NOT rude to say, "the timing is not going to work--could something change?" Especially not to his sister with a family gathering.

Your SIL wasn't rude to change the venue. I think she would have been rude to not notify her mother right away--but maybe she just hadn't gotten around to it.

I'm not sure about MIL/BIL and the refusal of the invite because of the restaurant. Depends what they said to SIL. But again, I think some things are loosened inside the family.
   It is true that the food is supposed to be secondary; the company is really all that is supposed to officially matter. So it would be rude to refuse to come to celebrate a person just because you don't like the food. Then again, this is probably a "pay your own way" situation, which changes it a little as well. It's one thing to willingly eat yucky food someone else is paying for; it's another to be asked to fork out your own cash in order to eat crummy grub.

I don't think your DH was rude to blurt out the thing about the restaurant--they HAD been invited already, so why would they be uninvited for a changed venue?

And I don't think it's rude for MIL to call up daughter(-in-law) and say, Can we still come? Again--this will probably be dutch, and even if it wasn't, she WAS invited in the first place; she's not inviting herself somewhere she's not welcome.


Zizi-K

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2013, 12:30:42 AM »
I don't think it was rude to schedule at that restaurant. Maybe they figured something might have changed. Or forgot (even if they *were* there) or got confused which restaurant it was.

Your DH was absolutely NOT rude to say, "the timing is not going to work--could something change?" Especially not to his sister with a family gathering.

Your SIL wasn't rude to change the venue. I think she would have been rude to not notify her mother right away--but maybe she just hadn't gotten around to it.

I'm not sure about MIL/BIL and the refusal of the invite because of the restaurant. Depends what they said to SIL. But again, I think some things are loosened inside the family.
   It is true that the food is supposed to be secondary; the company is really all that is supposed to officially matter. So it would be rude to refuse to come to celebrate a person just because you don't like the food. Then again, this is probably a "pay your own way" situation, which changes it a little as well. It's one thing to willingly eat yucky food someone else is paying for; it's another to be asked to fork out your own cash in order to eat crummy grub.

I don't think your DH was rude to blurt out the thing about the restaurant--they HAD been invited already, so why would they be uninvited for a changed venue?

And I don't think it's rude for MIL to call up daughter(-in-law) and say, Can we still come? Again--this will probably be dutch, and even if it wasn't, she WAS invited in the first place; she's not inviting herself somewhere she's not welcome.

I'm curious why you assume the birthday party would be dutch treat? The OP states that the SIL "invited them to niece's birthday dinner." Niece is presumably a minor, her parents are presumably throwing the party. I realize that many adult parties are dutch, but I would assume this kind of thing would be hosted.

Deetee

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2013, 02:28:17 AM »
Without other background no one seems rude to me. There is a bit of pettiness to refuse an event based on the venue but if they were discreet about it, it is more likely that SIL may not know the venue was an issue.

ClaireC79

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2013, 04:19:42 PM »
Did the MIL actually say they weren't coming based on where it was, or just say they couldn't make it that day?  - if it was the second I could see the daughter not realising that would have made a difference, so not mentioned the change

EllenS

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2013, 04:35:11 PM »
From only reading OP, I cast my vote that the only potentially rude person was SIL.

Her mistake was in not informing MIL that the venue was changed, which may have merely been an oversight. (or not). It was not rude of MIL to not want to eat at the horrible restaurant, unless she declined the invite in a nasty way.  Also, not rude of her to say she would like to come if it was somewhere else, since she was invited to DN's birthday.  If anything, it emphasizes that the restaurant was her objection, not the relatives.

Up until the part where your DH said "oops", I was actually thinking how nice it was to hear a story about a family who can just talk openly and work things like that out, in a thoughtful way.  I guess the "I shouldn't have told her" is where the dysfunctional stuff comes in.

shhh its me

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2013, 05:17:46 PM »
  It may have been a little petty but once a guest declines for any reason I don't think its rude to not reissue the invite.  Please note I'm not saying its a good idea just not rude.

All the rest wasn't rude.

Roe

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2013, 06:17:40 PM »
Sounds like simple "family stuff/dynamics" at play.  I don't think anyone is rude, necessarily.

Iris

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2013, 06:27:24 PM »
Thanks for the perspective, guys! I survived the dinner quite well. Their manners are very different from my family's and sometimes it's hard to see what's rude and what's just different. Their manners are very informal to the point where sometimes I am taken aback, so I do have to take a step out of the situation sometimes and look at it from an outsider's perspective.

EllenS - definitely no open communication! It actually gave me a bit of a giggle that you said that.
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EllenS

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Re: Who, if anyone, was rude?
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2013, 06:29:04 PM »

EllenS - definitely no open communication! It actually gave me a bit of a giggle that you said that.

Which just underlines how behavior can sound one way when described, but is completely different in context.