Author Topic: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?  (Read 23650 times)

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suzieQ

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #90 on: September 27, 2013, 08:02:54 PM »
You know, OP, what I can't understand is why if you two are going to distance yourselves from your BIL you have to wait a few years to do it. And why do you have to do his birthday dinner and Christmas dinner this year? What is better about later than now? If you are going to distance yourselves, time will not make it better. It won't make your BIL feel better about it. It won't make your DH feel better about it. It certainly won't make you feel better about it. What exactly then is the reason for wanting to wait? Because your DH thinks your BIL won't think you are scared of him? That makes no sense to me. Time won't make him change what he thinks (if he does indeed think that).

Were it me I wouldn't be around BIL at all. Your DH's thinking is ridiculous. Unpleasant interactions should be stopped as soon as possible rather than eased off. More time just entrenches the behavior. And he's had five years now to "ease" off. Cancel your participation in the dinner and cancel Christmas plans. If your DH wants to maintain the relationship he can. You just won't be part of it.
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doodlemor

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #91 on: September 27, 2013, 09:26:43 PM »
BIL is sabotaging your marriage.  DH has something good that BIL doesnít, and BILís reaction has been to try to destroy it in a way that he hopes will leave him looking blameless.

Reading your O.P., people here have been appalled on your behalf.  DH should also be appalled.  I have sympathy for him though. Growing up in dysfunction, one learns to adapt and see it as normal.  It can take a huge wakeup call to see what others see.  And it can be very painful. 

I donít think it needs to be a case of DH protecting you or you protecting him Ė it should be the two of you acting as a solidified unit to protect your love and marriage from an outside threat.  I hope the two of you can work this out.

B-I-N-G-O!  Poddity, pod, and pod!  This creepy, creepy person is jealous of his brother. 

I agree with the PP who say that DH is actually afraid/uncomfortable to be alone with his brother.  I bet that brother has done unkind things to undermine him for his whole life. 




doodlemor

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #92 on: September 27, 2013, 09:44:33 PM »
Susan you definitely don't' need to be near him and I suggest you stay far far away.


BUT
If you have to see him why not make a game of it!!! IF finances allow go and get some sort of secret recorder. Maybe something small you can put in your bra or something. Have it recording all the time you are with your brother in law. That way you will have concrete proof of BIL's "act".

Then post it on here for us to hear  ;)

Snarky doodlemor would be tempted to post the dirt on the web, for all of this man's friends to listen to. 

Actually, if you had several secret cams when he came over [ if you ever let his sorry butt........him back in your house] you could post his act on youtube or facebook or both for everyone to see the truth.

PS I'm not sure if this is legal, but it would be *justice.*

zyrs

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #93 on: September 28, 2013, 12:57:07 AM »
OP, good for you in standing up for yourself! 

sammycat

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #94 on: September 28, 2013, 03:28:27 AM »
I'm reading the whole "husband doesn't want BIL to think OP is afraid" as that the HUSBAND is scared to death of his brother and is using her as a shield. I know I'm being blunt; that is my opinion.

Bingo.

bloo

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #95 on: September 28, 2013, 10:05:35 AM »
PP's have given excellent suggestions for how to deal with BIL in the moment while he misbehaves.

But...

...this is a level of dysfunction I could not handle. It would be too mentally exhausting for me. OP, you have a DH problem, not a BIL problem. I would suggest that you set the pattern for how to command respect by refusing to your DH's dictates that you must be around this unpleasant person.

Sweetly decline while letting him know you understand that he wants to keep a relationship with his brother. At some point, your DH may have an epiphany that in keeping a close relationship with his brother, he's giving up important milestones to be spent with his wife (which, when you marry, your spouse becomes your primary family - not your FOO). Also he may note that you are mentally healthy enough not to put up with mistreatment, so why isn't he?

Best wishes to you OP!

ETA: Oops, just read your update! Good for you. Agreed with SoCalVal, though:

Quote
Quote
Quote from: Susan45 on Yesterday at 02:59:03 PM

My husband will try to talk me into still doing his birthday dinner, I guess, but I'm not going to.  Something about a few comments I read that said I shouldn't have to cook for someone who has been mean to me and abused me.  He was so fake around my husband.  I am not putting up with that anymore.  I can't believe what I took off that person.  All because I love my DH and didn't want to make waves.  Come what may, I feel so good about having confronted him just now.  I don't care what he thinks of me.  I couldn't care less.

Again, good for you.

What is up with your husband?  We read that you love your husband, but how much does he love YOU that he would try to make you do this still???  Is your husband so afraid of your BIL that he won't do anything that will displease him and, really, risk his marriage?
« Last Edit: September 28, 2013, 10:10:57 AM by bloo »

weeblewobble

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #96 on: September 29, 2013, 04:13:09 PM »
At first, I thought DH may just be using you as a buffer so he doesn't have to be alone with his brother, but now, I think it's a little more insidious.  It sounds like when you're around, the brother picks on you , diverting his attention away from DH.  It sounds like your DH is using you as a shield.

And his argument about being around Bro because you want to prove you're not afraid of him is manipulative and silly.  Who cares what Bro thinks?  DH's insistence that you back down from telling Bro you're angry at his behavior is enabling and spineless.  And worse, it will take you two steps back in terms of your progress.  Because it shows Bro that if you set a boundary, you don't mean it, because DH will panic and restore the status quo.  Stick to your guns, Susan.  You're doing the right thing.

NyaChan

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #97 on: September 29, 2013, 06:32:24 PM »
How have things been going in the aftermath?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #98 on: September 29, 2013, 06:45:19 PM »
Susan you definitely don't' need to be near him and I suggest you stay far far away.


BUT
If you have to see him why not make a game of it!!! IF finances allow go and get some sort of secret recorder. Maybe something small you can put in your bra or something. Have it recording all the time you are with your brother in law. That way you will have concrete proof of BIL's "act".

Then post it on here for us to hear  ;)

Snarky doodlemor would be tempted to post the dirt on the web, for all of this man's friends to listen to. 

Actually, if you had several secret cams when he came over [ if you ever let his sorry butt........him back in your house] you could post his act on youtube or facebook or both for everyone to see the truth.

PS I'm not sure if this is legal, but it would be *justice.*

I was considering this suggestion and the potential issue that it may be illegal where the OP lives.

So set up the recording devices and TELL BIL that you are done with his little snide, PA remarks and that you will be recording him at all times when he is in your presence from this point forward (and get this part on tape, too).  10 to 1, he'll be on his best behaviour for the first little while but will then forget and start back up.  And then you have him.

But frankly, I would just refuse to have anything to do with this guy again.
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katycoo

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #99 on: September 29, 2013, 08:44:29 PM »
I've seen your most recent update and I'm really pleased for you.

I think you coudl allow BIL to have his birthday dinner at your place, but in that case, it is your DH who needs to do ALL the work to make it happen.

I'm reading the whole "husband doesn't want BIL to think OP is afraid" as that the HUSBAND is scared to death of his brother and is using her as a shield. I know I'm being blunt; that is my opinion.

THIS!  He doesn't want to actually start the distancing becuase he has an idea of what will follow but he doesn't want to admit it.

gramma dishes

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #100 on: September 29, 2013, 10:19:43 PM »
OP ~~  You mentioned that your husband and Disgusting Brother own property together.  What is the nature of this property?  I mean is it the parents' old homestead (and is DB living there?) or is it commercial property or what?  Is there any possibility that you could either sell your part of the property or let the brother buy out your husband's half or something?  DB does not sound like someone who could be trusted to be honest or fair in business dealings and I agree with those who have been brave enough to mention the possibility that your husband is afraid of his brother.  I suspect DB wasn't very nice to him when they were growing up and that he got by with it right under the parents' noses.

guihong

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #101 on: September 29, 2013, 10:34:18 PM »
OP ~~  You mentioned that your husband and Disgusting Brother own property together.  What is the nature of this property?  I mean is it the parents' old homestead (and is DB living there?) or is it commercial property or what?  Is there any possibility that you could either sell your part of the property or let the brother buy out your husband's half or something?  DB does not sound like someone who could be trusted to be honest or fair in business dealings and I agree with those who have been brave enough to mention the possibility that your husband is afraid of his brother.  I suspect DB wasn't very nice to him when they were growing up and that he got by with it right under the parents' noses.

I was about to ask that very question, but Gramma Dishes did it much better.



LeveeWoman

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #102 on: September 29, 2013, 10:59:51 PM »
OP ~~  You mentioned that your husband and Disgusting Brother own property together.  What is the nature of this property?  I mean is it the parents' old homestead (and is DB living there?) or is it commercial property or what?  Is there any possibility that you could either sell your part of the property or let the brother buy out your husband's half or something?  DB does not sound like someone who could be trusted to be honest or fair in business dealings and I agree with those who have been brave enough to mention the possibility that your husband is afraid of his brother.  I suspect DB wasn't very nice to him when they were growing up and that he got by with it right under the parents' noses.

That's been on my mind for a few days.  Will the dissolution of joint ownership take a few years to accomplish? Could it be accelerated?

bopper

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #103 on: September 30, 2013, 09:03:31 AM »
I'm reading the whole "husband doesn't want BIL to think OP is afraid" as that the HUSBAND is scared to death of his brother and is using her as a shield. I know I'm being blunt; that is my opinion.

Bingo.

And not only that...You ARE afraid.  If he doesn't want BIL to know that it could be because 1) He doesn't want BIL to feel bad...this might imply that he still sees BIL as a "normal" person and his having some cognitive dissonance that his wife would be afraid of a normal person   or 2) He is afraid what BIL would do with the knowledge that you were afraid

LadyJaneinMD

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Re: Mean-spirited, devious, brother-in-law -- must I even respond to him?
« Reply #104 on: October 01, 2013, 09:17:40 AM »
My husband will try to talk me into still doing his birthday dinner, I guess, but I'm not going to.  Something about a few comments I read that said I shouldn't have to cook for someone who has been mean to me and abused me.  He was so fake around my husband.  I am not putting up with that anymore.  I can't believe what I took off that person.  All because I love my DH and didn't want to make waves.  Come what may, I feel so good about having confronted him just now.  I don't care what he thinks of me.  I couldn't care less.

Don't do it!  Don't cook the dinner. Refuse outright.  If it helps, picture the entire population of ehell standing behind you like a Greek Chorus, all singing one note - NO!!!