Author Topic: I was insulted at school - should I complain?  (Read 8396 times)

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Promise

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2013, 05:30:28 PM »
That had to be frustrating! The best way to handle things is to always go to the person who offended first. If you go to that person and don't get satisfaction/apology, then go to their boss. To go over their head first is a breach as well. Unfortunately, too many people bypass the offender and immediately want to go over their head without ever giving the offender a chance to make amends.

EllenS

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #31 on: September 28, 2013, 06:04:33 PM »
I'm trying to think of a way, "I've never seen a child like that... ...they will fix him for you" could be taken sympathetically and I'm not seeing it. 

POD.

Unfortunately, too many people bypass the offender and immediately want to go over their head without ever giving the offender a chance to make amends.

This is true.  I answered first in the heat of the moment while I was deeply appalled.  I still think what the director said was appalling, but I agree it is better to speak to the offender directly.

blarg314

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #32 on: September 28, 2013, 07:58:19 PM »

It doesn't sound like the person was particularly polite.

*But* - I wouldn't complain, because your own actions don't look all that great either. Suppose you complain. The person taking the complaints goes to get the other side of the story and hears "Oh yeah, I remember them. They showed up with two kids in tow. It started with one of them running around grabbing everything in the room, and ended with the parent physically restraining them while the kid screamed hysterically. I let them know about the daycare system here, and suggested that they should get some professional help."

Which, minus the details of wording, is a reasonably accurate description of the situation.




alis

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #33 on: September 28, 2013, 08:03:23 PM »
To clarify - this is a small little language school. Her and I were the only people in the entire building, aside from him and my other child (a baby, who just sat there). I showed up because she asked me to come in on short notice. I've been a student at this school for two years and we already knew each other.

I will let it go as a miscommunication (I really don't think it was though) and leave it at that. Yes, government daycares are big here, nearly all children are in them, but my boy needs full-time professional ABA therapy and it is not done in a daycare. His diagnosis actually came just this week, so he's with me until we find a suitable place for him. If she had asked, I would have just told her.

« Last Edit: September 28, 2013, 08:06:19 PM by alis »

JoyinVirginia

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #34 on: September 28, 2013, 08:12:32 PM »
I think the best approach is to talk to the person directly and clarify what was said. since you were holding your child, and your child was loud, it seems very probably that you did not hear the person clearly. I would also recommend, since you said the person has been very nice in your interactions previously, perhaps attribute this to them being distracted by your child.

alis

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2013, 08:15:29 PM »
Hm.  You brought a child who you knew had behavioral problems into a stressful situation in which there was almost a guaranteed trigger for behavioral outbursts, and a second child to the appointment as well.  I'd say the first rude step was taken by you.  Poor kid.

Well unfortunately for my "poor kid", his diagnosis doesn't change the fact that I still need to do certain basic functions in life to keep this family running. I'm already down, you don't need to kick me.

alis

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #36 on: September 28, 2013, 08:44:28 PM »
I apologize if I am too sensitive with this. He was only diagnosed the day before, this is very new and very hard for us. If someone wants to offer solutions, I think it is fair to at least ask them what the problem is first.


esposita

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #37 on: September 28, 2013, 10:18:52 PM »
I apologize if I am too sensitive with this. He was only diagnosed the day before, this is very new and very hard for us. If someone wants to offer solutions, I think it is fair to at least ask them what the problem is first.

Totally, to the bolded. Offering unsolicited advice is almost never a good idea. She would have done you a much greater kindness (if kindness was her intention, which may be doubtful) by getting her business with you done quickly, without holding you for any extra length of time talking about something she has no place talking about in the first place. If it was really that big of a problem, she could have asked you to leave. Prolonging your interaction...that's on her.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you didn't ask for them, but (((hugs)))!


gemma156

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #38 on: September 28, 2013, 11:23:03 PM »
Its not rude to speak to her supervisor to discuss the inappropriate comment made, relating to the ' Your in way over your head comment'.  That was unprofessional at best.  That does not constitute a breach of etiquette in order to address the issue. 

Her comment regarding the government service I would take as trying to inform you of your options, as a mother returning to classes in order for you to be successful.  If you felt rushed into meeting her you could also discuss with her supervisor, that in the case there is a next time that you were required to come back for another meeting for whatever reason was needed, it would be beneficial if you were able to pick a better time that suited your family, in order to do so without your young sons present.


CakeEater

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #39 on: September 28, 2013, 11:35:04 PM »
OP, I don't know what the consequences for you are if you cancel this week's appointment if you don't have a sitter, but that's what I'd be inclined to do in future. My DD has autism, and there's no way I could have taken her to that kind of environment at that age. Of course, I had to try it once to know that it would be a disaster.

I think what was said was pretty insulting. If your teacher didn't know about the autism, it's entirely likely that she believed DS to be a regular 3 year old having a tantrum.

How is it not insulting to tell a parent of an apparently normal child that 'they're in over their head' when they're dealing with what looks like misbehaviour? I don't think there's any way that can be interpreted as a helpful statement. To me, it sounds just like, 'You're obviously incompetent'.

And dealing with autistic meltdowns, or even normal tantrums of an autistic child can make you look pretty incompetent at times, because you have to do things like pin the child down, or give them the things they're screaming for,or sing the same song 700 times while sitting in the middle of the shopping centre etc. All of which make you look like you can't do the normal things that parents of tantruming three-year-olds do to get their kids to calm down. But being told you're in over your head in that situation when you're doing the exact thing that the child needs is pretty insulting, and depressing.

OP, I completely get why you're insulted, and to have it come right on the heals of a diagnosis when you're trying to come to terms with all that means is really shattering. But, to be honest, I think I'd let it go, especially if this teacher has been good for you otherwise. Maybe let her know the info about the diagnosis and what treatments will be required at some stage, if you would like to.

Best wishes in finding the help that you all need.

poundcake

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #40 on: September 29, 2013, 06:42:56 AM »
Hm.  You brought a child who you knew had behavioral problems into a stressful situation in which there was almost a guaranteed trigger for behavioral outbursts, and a second child to the appointment as well.  I'd say the first rude step was taken by you.  Poor kid.

Well unfortunately for my "poor kid", his diagnosis doesn't change the fact that I still need to do certain basic functions in life to keep this family running. I'm already down, you don't need to kick me.

That's why it's understandable that you are already very defensive about his behavior. It's not a right or wrong thing. But that is also why I suggested that you might be blowing her comments out of proportion and seeing personal insult where there wasn't any. The idea that children's inappropriate or disruptive behavior gets a total "free pass" because of behavioral problems is just as rude as other "interesting assumptions." People are doing the best they can, and frankly, more people are going to be on your side than not. But if your kid is that disruptive in a public situation, you have to remember that it is THEIR environment, too.

Oh Joy

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #41 on: September 29, 2013, 08:33:34 AM »
Hm.  You brought a child who you knew had behavioral problems into a stressful situation in which there was almost a guaranteed trigger for behavioral outbursts, and a second child to the appointment as well.  I'd say the first rude step was taken by you.  Poor kid.

Well unfortunately for my "poor kid", his diagnosis doesn't change the fact that I still need to do certain basic functions in life to keep this family running. I'm already down, you don't need to kick me.

First, hugs to you as it sounds like a rough week for your family.  Yes, the teacher made some poor choices in words while you were in a very stressful moment.  But your energy and attention are so valuable right now, and best spent on the things that are helpful to you and those who are important to you.  I suggest flushing that afternoon from your mind unless you have future problems with her.

Best wishes.

bopper

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #42 on: September 29, 2013, 10:38:20 AM »
I had a friend who has a son who has autism.  When they are very young, it is hard for a stranger to detect they have autism, it just looks like the kid won't listen.
not saying that the person should have said what they said, but I wonder if the underlying message might be helpful, as in "You seem to have your hands full, with a high spirited child and being new to the country and not knowing the language.  We have a daycare program that might help you out."

NyaChan

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2013, 12:36:09 PM »
I will admit - when you have no experience with autism or any similar diagnoses in children or don't have children, your mind doesn't necessarily jump to that possibility when you see children.  I have known exactly one child with autism and we didn't know he had autism until years after I stopped interacting with him.  From what I could see at that time, his parents were buying into the cultural notion of boys are everything and indulging their youngest after 4 girls until they couldn't handle him and he was completely out of control.  Even now, since for me it is so rare a possibility and unfamiliar, I don't know what behavior is indicative of a diagnosable condition vs. long term bad parenting vs. a high-strung child vs. just a bad day for parent & child.

gramma dishes

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #44 on: September 29, 2013, 01:37:39 PM »
I will admit - when you have no experience with autism or any similar diagnoses in children or don't have children, your mind doesn't necessarily jump to that possibility when you see children.  I have known exactly one child with autism and we didn't know he had autism until years after I stopped interacting with him.  From what I could see at that time, his parents were buying into the cultural notion of boys are everything and indulging their youngest after 4 girls until they couldn't handle him and he was completely out of control.  Even now, since for me it is so rare a possibility and unfamiliar, I don't know what behavior is indicative of a diagnosable condition vs. long term bad parenting vs. a high-strung child vs. just a bad day for parent & child.

I think that's better than people who have been around many children with autism and who immediately jump to that conclusion anytime they see a child having a meltdown.  They seem to forget that even quite ordinary children have their bad moments!  ;-D