Author Topic: I was insulted at school - should I complain?  (Read 8641 times)

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Poppea

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #45 on: September 29, 2013, 02:56:12 PM »
Hm.  You brought a child who you knew had behavioral problems into a stressful situation in which there was almost a guaranteed trigger for behavioral outbursts, and a second child to the appointment as well.  I'd say the first rude step was taken by you.  Poor kid.

Well unfortunately for my "poor kid", his diagnosis doesn't change the fact that I still need to do certain basic functions in life to keep this family running. I'm already down, you don't need to kick me.

That's why it's understandable that you are already very defensive about his behavior. It's not a right or wrong thing. But that is also why I suggested that you might be blowing her comments out of proportion and seeing personal insult where there wasn't any. The idea that children's inappropriate or disruptive behavior gets a total "free pass" because of behavioral problems is just as rude as other "interesting assumptions." People are doing the best they can, and frankly, more people are going to be on your side than not. But if your kid is that disruptive in a public situation, you have to remember that it is THEIR environment, too.
This is my feeling too.  I understand that you are going through a very stressful situation.  But essentially you are expecting the director to excuse your child's screaming and inappropriate behavior and to not judge your parenting while judging her harshly for her comment.    When you bring your special needs child into a non-child friendly environment and there is a meltdown it is really your responsibility to deal with it not others.  I would have just apologized and asked if I could reschedule.  Given the choice the director may have been happy to reschedule you at a time you had a sitter.


TootsNYC

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #46 on: September 29, 2013, 03:18:50 PM »

If your teacher didn't know about the autism, it's entirely likely that she believed DS to be a regular 3 year old having a tantrum.

I think it was very clear that this person did NOT think the boy was a regular 3yo having a tantrum. I think she recognized the unusual nature of the boy's behavior and asserted that the unusual situation the OP was in was NOT of her making. And that's the reason she said something--her very word choice (though awkward)  indicated that.

The OP was offended, and I can totally understand why.

But the lady did not offer an insult. She offered unwanted advice, but not an insult.

And I think she clearly understood that the OP's son had a unique set of problems that were not at all the fault of the OP, and also not something the OP was really equipped to handle.

I don't think she was judging the OP's parenting *at all*--hence the term "in over your head" and "I've never seen a child like that." She was recognizing the extremeness of the OP's situation, of her son's disability, and was concluding that no fault lay with the OP at all--"in over your head."

I think it was a stressful time for that lady as well--with all that meltdown and chaos and yelling happening right there.

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I suggest flushing that afternoon from your mind unless you have future problems with her.

I agree. I hope you can, OP. And I hope the diagnosis opens doors to resources instead of making you feel "sentenced."

dirtyweasel

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #47 on: September 29, 2013, 04:23:50 PM »
Hm.  You brought a child who you knew had behavioral problems into a stressful situation in which there was almost a guaranteed trigger for behavioral outbursts, and a second child to the appointment as well.  I'd say the first rude step was taken by you.  Poor kid.

Well unfortunately for my "poor kid", his diagnosis doesn't change the fact that I still need to do certain basic functions in life to keep this family running. I'm already down, you don't need to kick me.

That's why it's understandable that you are already very defensive about his behavior. It's not a right or wrong thing. But that is also why I suggested that you might be blowing her comments out of proportion and seeing personal insult where there wasn't any. The idea that children's inappropriate or disruptive behavior gets a total "free pass" because of behavioral problems is just as rude as other "interesting assumptions." People are doing the best they can, and frankly, more people are going to be on your side than not. But if your kid is that disruptive in a public situation, you have to remember that it is THEIR environment, too.
This is my feeling too.  I understand that you are going through a very stressful situation.  But essentially you are expecting the director to excuse your child's screaming and inappropriate behavior and to not judge your parenting while judging her harshly for her comment.    When you bring your special needs child into a non-child friendly environment and there is a meltdown it is really your responsibility to deal with it not others.  I would have just apologized and asked if I could reschedule.  Given the choice the director may have been happy to reschedule you at a time you had a sitter.

POD.  I understand this is a very stressful adjustment for you, but that doesn't negate your responsibility for the situation. 



Iris

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #48 on: September 29, 2013, 08:22:07 PM »
I strongly disagree with blaming the OP. The teacher was inflexible on times to meet the OP, which caused the OP to have to bring her children to start with. If I want to talk to a parent without interruptions I arrange a mutually agreeable time.

Secondly, no matter what else, no matter how hard the interview, her words were unprofessional and I just can't excuse that. Even when talking to a parent whose  child I teach and know well it is inappropriate for me to give them parenting tips,  even though their lack of parenting ability directly impacts on my professional day. Teachers have extremely strong guidelines to follow, and this teacher trampled all over them. I can't excuse this anymore than I would excuse a doctor telling an obese patient that they obviously can't control their impulses.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

dirtyweasel

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #49 on: September 29, 2013, 09:29:22 PM »
I strongly disagree with blaming the OP. The teacher was inflexible on times to meet the OP, which caused the OP to have to bring her children to start with. If I want to talk to a parent without interruptions I arrange a mutually agreeable time.

Secondly, no matter what else, no matter how hard the interview, her words were unprofessional and I just can't excuse that. Even when talking to a parent whose  child I teach and know well it is inappropriate for me to give them parenting tips,  even though their lack of parenting ability directly impacts on my professional day. Teachers have extremely strong guidelines to follow, and this teacher trampled all over them. I can't excuse this anymore than I would excuse a doctor telling an obese patient that they obviously can't control their impulses.

Addressing the bolded part - inflexible schedules are sometimes a part of life....dentist offices, doctors offices, banks, etc.  Most of these types businesses (including most schools I've seen) fall within a 9-5/Monday - Friday type of schedule and there are going to be times when you have to make time for these things (take time off work, find a babysitter, etc.). 

Is it inconvenient?  Sure, but that's life.



TootsNYC

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #50 on: September 29, 2013, 10:34:38 PM »
FYI--not a teacher.

The director of a language school, which I'm guessing is aimed at helping adults learn a second language.

So, not a teacher; not "trained" the way teachers of children are.

I'm not saying that this is the OP's fault in ANY way.

I simply think that the director of the adult language school was speaking without thinking. And that what she said was not an INSULT. That it was actually relatively sympathetic to the OP, and perhaps even to her son. (other than that I really don't like the "fix him for you" phrasing!)

So, I see why the OP was offended. It was probably overstepping, but considering that the director (again--not a trained teacher, not used to working with young children, especially not special-needs kids) was herself in the middle of a chaotic situation, I'm not going to come down so terribly hard on her.
    Especially because I think it's clear they were true--the OP's child's behavior was not in the least a normal behavior, and the OP has a tougher job on her hands than any ordinary mother could possibly cope with alone.

I don't think it was an insult.
I don't think the woman cast ANY aspersions or express any negative judgment about the OP's character, or her parenting skills.

kareng57

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #51 on: September 29, 2013, 11:09:15 PM »
I strongly disagree with blaming the OP. The teacher was inflexible on times to meet the OP, which caused the OP to have to bring her children to start with. If I want to talk to a parent without interruptions I arrange a mutually agreeable time.

Secondly, no matter what else, no matter how hard the interview, her words were unprofessional and I just can't excuse that. Even when talking to a parent whose  child I teach and know well it is inappropriate for me to give them parenting tips,  even though their lack of parenting ability directly impacts on my professional day. Teachers have extremely strong guidelines to follow, and this teacher trampled all over them. I can't excuse this anymore than I would excuse a doctor telling an obese patient that they obviously can't control their impulses.


This was registration as opposed to a teaching session.  Registration times are usually pretty fixed - if a student can't make it for registration, he/she does not get into the class.  Crying/acting-out children can make registration pretty chaotic.

And while it's true that none of us were there and don't have input as to the teacher's tone - it's quite possible that she was attempting to be helpful, in informing the student that childcare resources were available.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2013, 02:46:11 AM »
I apologize if I am too sensitive with this. He was only diagnosed the day before, this is very new and very hard for us. If someone wants to offer solutions, I think it is fair to at least ask them what the problem is first.

Really? I think this comes with its own set of dangers. I can imagine many parents being highly insulted if asked "What's your child's problem?"

earthgirl

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2013, 08:45:20 AM »
I'm not saying that this is the OP's fault in ANY way.

I simply think that the director of the adult language school was speaking without thinking. And that what she said was not an INSULT. That it was actually relatively sympathetic to the OP, and perhaps even to her son. (other than that I really don't like the "fix him for you" phrasing!)

So, I see why the OP was offended. It was probably overstepping, but considering that the director (again--not a trained teacher, not used to working with young children, especially not special-needs kids) was herself in the middle of a chaotic situation, I'm not going to come down so terribly hard on her.
    Especially because I think it's clear they were true--the OP's child's behavior was not in the least a normal behavior, and the OP has a tougher job on her hands than any ordinary mother could possibly cope with alone.

I don't think it was an insult.
I don't think the woman cast ANY aspersions or express any negative judgment about the OP's character, or her parenting skills.

Yea, I can see both sides here too -- I can see how maybe the director thought that she was offering helpful information, and I can also see how what she said was offensive to the OP.

OP, if you have enough of an ongoing relationship with this woman, could you just straight out tell her that she hit a sore spot for you? 

"Director, I know that things were hectic when I was here last with DS, but I was really uncomfortable with some of the things you said about him." 

That might give her a chance to explain if she was only trying to provide what she thought was helpful information.  And perhaps apologize for her awkward wording. 

BeagleMommy

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Re: I was insulted at school - should I complain?
« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2013, 11:36:47 AM »
Alis, I think I would hold off on reporting the teacher.  I don't think her choice of words were appropriate (and wouldn't be for a special needs parent or otherwise), but I think she may have spoken without thinking.

Autistic children thrive on ritual.  My own godson (now thirty) still requires ritual though he has learned to be a little more spontaneous.  It was a long road to get him there.  Although he didn't express stress with outbursts, he would rock and repeat words when he was out of his comfort level.

Those of us with children have all had times where something had to be done RIGHT NOW and we were without a babysitter and had to take children with us where they wouldn't be normally.  DS has had meltdowns in public and you just want to crawl under a rock.  It happens.

If you want to say something, you could meet privately with the woman and say something like "I need to mention that my DS was very newly diagnosed as autistic.  That was the reason for his behavior at registration.  I did feel a bit judged when you suggested I put him in the daycare program to "fix" him.