Author Topic: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents  (Read 4338 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Marbles

  • I'm lost
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1811
Re: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2013, 03:00:46 AM »
We try to see everyone, but don't stress too much if we can't.

If you want to make things easier for the kids, ask them if they would like to invite one set of in-laws to join your celebration (if that's logistically possible). Be flexible with dates. If it's important to you to have a big celebration with the whole family, then give a couple of years notice.

DH and I have been successful joining our celebration with my dad and either his mom or dad. (Though typically we host.)

DavidH

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1806
Re: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2013, 03:32:48 PM »
I think the way to deal with it is to sit down ahead of time and discuss options.  Perhaps saying we want to see you over the holidays, but realistically, you can't be in four places at once.  How about one house one year, another then next year, or one on Christmas Eve, one Christmas day or something like that.  The key is not to make anyone miserable or feel the need to check the box of seeing you, but rather make for a pleasant visit.  I think it's more important to see the person and enjoy their company than see them on a specific day.

Margo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1687
Re: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2013, 05:22:58 PM »
Flexibility, communication, and ensuring the the 'children' (whether adult or *actual* children) are considered, and are reassured that it is OK for them to want to spend holidays in their own home.
None of my grandparents were divorced so no second families - we tended to spend alternate years with each side of the family, but this would vary so that sometimes we would be travelling and sometimes the grandparents would. There was liaison with other extended family so that (for instance) widowed granny wasn't left to spend christmas alone (although she might need to travel rather than have people come to her home)

I think if you are the parents in this scenario then you aim to be flexible, listen to your children and encourage them to think of their needs and wishes as well as yours, and focus on the positives when you do get to see them, not the negatives when you don't.

Make your own celebrations and traditions, so that if their time with you doesn't fall on the standard holiday, there are still special celebrations. (my brother in law has never been allowed by his ex-wife to see their daughter on christmas day, christmas eve, or boxing day. Rather than make a huge issue of it, he has created a new tradition which is a moveable feast depending when he gets to see her,  for instance.

Arila

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 843
Re: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents
« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2013, 02:24:24 PM »
We have many households to "support" within our family. Basically, we celebrate for about 3 days straight. First there's the X-mas baby's birthday on the 23rd. Step mother (divorced) takes her out for lunch. Then in the evening, a family party Usually hosted by her father and the invitees are her step brothers, mother (divorced) and mother's family, so b-day girl's aunt, uncle, cousins. Christmas Eve starts out with Dad & step brothers,  late Evening with Mom, Breakfast with mom, then off to step mother's by brunch time, and THEN to her SO's parents (thankfully still together) for the afternoon & Boxing day.


The key really is to segment the days and convince the secondary & tertiary families to play along. For us it's worked out well because everyone's preferred Christmas celebration times are complementary.  We've applied this as us kids start getting older and just getting married. Never mind divorces, just all the in-laws.

Thankfully, our segmentation is going to work out, because my sister's serious BF is celebrating with us for the first time this year, and his parents usually do their thing X-mas afternoon, which will be after our family is finished with our usual morning celebrations.

checkitnice

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 148
Re: Holidays + 2 set of divorced parents
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2013, 12:32:46 PM »
It sounds like all of the previous posters are right in line with what I was going to say, which is be flexible! 

My parents are divorced and remarried, while DH's are still together.  We do Thanksgiving at his parents' (well, not last year, and this year is going to be sketchy), and then generally spend Christmas Day with my father and stepmother, have a Christmas with his family sometime around New Years', and my mother has lived out of state for the last few years.  This year we're doing Christmas at my place with her.

Whatever you do, don't do what my father did and dredge up old drama from the divorce and put your grandkids in the mix.  Halloween was a hot mess this year because he can't get over himself.