Author Topic: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?  (Read 4580 times)

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guihong

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Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« on: September 29, 2013, 10:52:22 PM »
Hi, all:

This past weekend, there was a large convention in my city of members of another board I'm on.  I was unable to make it, but contacted a friend who was attending to see if she wanted to have lunch on Saturday.  Friend is from the U.K. and thus she told me something about if she texts/calls someone in the U.S., she gets charged extravagant fees.  I include this for the inevitable question when I present what happened ;).  Anyway, Friend and I can obviously only see one another when she's here for Convention.

We made plans via private messaging on the site.  I suggested meeting in front of a fountain in the lobby of the hotel; she came back and said "Let's meet in front of Restaurant at 12 Noon".  I agreed.

I arrived in front of Restaurant (which was very close to the hotel) at 11:50 and waited.  And waited.  I waited until 12:50.   I went into the restaurant twice, which was small, but did not see her.  I walked up and down the street, no luck.  At 12:50, I gave up and went home.  I didn't go to the hotel because I was so mad and hurt that I feared creating more of a scene.  I didn't want to grovel for attention, either.  Maybe a mistake, but later on, DH told me I did the right thing by not confronting her at the hotel.  She can be a sweet person, hence the friendship, but also difficult and volatile.

I got on the site and there was a nasty PM saying "I blocked out my entire afternoon for you and you *bleep* me over.  You're *bleep*ed up.  Never contact me again". 

When I was calm-er, I wrote back: "I was in front of Restaurant at noon Saturday, as we agreed.  Nevertheless, I will respect your wishes and cease all contact".

I bet what happened was that she waited at the fountain for me.  But even so, with the restaurant so close, why didn't SHE come out and walk down to check?  It was her  arrangement to meet at the restaurant.  If she'd somehow been inside, why didn't she check outside? 

I don't know what happened, and probably won't ever.  But did I really royally mess up here, or was none of this my fault? 

Believe me, I've combed over the entire thing and except for not going to the hotel myself (which I thought was the right choice), I got nuthin', and lost a friend  :(.




finecabernet

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2013, 10:58:28 PM »
It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong to me. She probably lost her temper on the PM as opposed to just asking you what happened or waiting until she calmed down. If she's that quick to point fingers (after all, for all she knew you both got your signals crossed and you could have thought she had stood you up), I'd just let it go. Those friendships usually wear thin after a while anyway.

BarensMom

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2013, 11:01:31 PM »
She was the one who said "Let's meet in front of the restaurant at noon."  You were at the location SHE specified before noon, she wasn't.  If she couldn't be bothered to be at the location and time she indicated, it's on her.  Your hands are clean.

shhh its me

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2013, 11:05:12 PM »
  Not wrong but perhaps there was room to be better. 

at 12 :10-15  I would have asked the restaurant to page her.   Assuming she has an English accent she maybe would have stood out, so " I'm meeting a friend from England perhaps she got our eat already, is there a woman here meeting a friend for lunch?".   I would have left my name at the restaurant and checked the fountain and ask that the hotel page her and ring her room. Maybe called the Hotel from the in front of the restaurant.  Asked the hotel to leave her a message ect.

at 12:30- 12:45 I would have called her I know its like $5 for a single phone call but I would have before walking away or If I had a smart phone I would have sent her a message on the site. 

But no you didn't do anything wrong ,you picked the place via pm so you can double check that you're info was correct.

DaDancingPsych

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2013, 11:30:02 PM »
I agree that you did nothing wrong, but it does sound like you could have made a little more effort to reach her... and the same for her.

However, her PM seems ridiculously over the top! If I was supposed to meet a friend and that person didn't show, my first concern would be that friend was not hurt or something serious had not occurred!!! I would want to give friend room to explain, as there are many reasonable excuses for not showing. This includes your excuse that you did show, but could not locate her. So while I can understand why you would be upset, confused, hurt and probably other emotions, I think that this is a true colors moment for your friend. She has zero patience or understanding and certainly does not have the skills to politely express disappointment.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2013, 12:35:59 AM »
You did nothing wrong. You could have checked at the hotel too, sure, but not looking in places where she wasn't meant to be doesn't make you the Bad Guy here. ;)

Your ex-friend overreacted, horribly, and it sounds like the whole thing was her fault - she picked the final location and wasn't there. I would be willing to bet that she misremembered and waited at the fountain, and then either worked herself up over how You Ditched Me, How Dare You, or realised her mistake and went on the attack to make it your fault so she wouldn't have to apologise. The first is an indicator of someone who will be very prickly to be friends with, because innocent mistakes and circumstances beyond your control happen all the time in real life and frankly you don't want to have to deal with that sort of attack every time. The second is deliberately shifting the blame for her own fault onto you, and you REALLY don't want to have to deal with that. Either way, I think you're better off not being too sad about losing the role as this person's scapegoat!

And *hugs*. Better off or not, that hurts.
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Maude

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2013, 01:16:55 AM »
Perhaps you could've sent HER a text:
I'm in front of restaurant.Where are you?

Pen^2

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2013, 01:36:37 AM »
Her PM was over the top. Your response was fine.

It's possible she got her details mixed up and, although she set the time and the place, ended up waiting at a different location or at a different time. It happens. I mean, it does sound like she waited a long time for you, just not where you were waiting for her. Although the reasonable thing to do, when it starts to look like someone is standing you up, is to check you're at the right time and place, not immediately assume they're a horrible person and send that kind of vitriol to them. I like the fact that you mentioned specifically in your polite response to her that you were at Restaurant at noon as agreed, so that if she did get her timings mixed up, it will prompt her to check the original message she sent you. But someone who jumps to that level of horribleness instead of trying to fix it or find out what happened is unlikely to then go an apologise even if they find out that they were the one who was mistaken.

The only thing I can think of that might have helped this turn out differently would be to sms her yourself (she can't send, but most phones can still receive, right?) once it started getting a bit late with, "Hi Friend, I'm outside Restaurant waiting for you. Hope to see you soon!" or something just so she knew that you were in a certain place and could come to meet you. But this would only work if she had her phone on her person, and given that she couldn't use it much, it's likely she saw no need to carry it with her. If she was not contactable and you had both agreed on the time and place beforehand, then there's not much you could do once she failed to turn up.

sweetonsno

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2013, 01:44:56 AM »
Her response was totally uncalled for and over the top. FWIW, I don't think her reaction was 100% due to you. There was likely some external factor that already had her on edge, and feeling "stood up" pushed her right over.

You are probably correct that she was waiting at the fountain. Maybe she misunderstood your agreement or something. Anyway, you're quite right that there isn't much you could have done other than go to (or call) the hotel.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2013, 01:59:04 AM »
Good friends are understanding.

I had a recent snafu involving phones - I left my phone off when at a play and forgot to turn it back on...missed 3 calls next day from an out-of-town friend who had come in to see me, and I wasn't expecting her until the following day. :-[ Called her right back as soon as I could...
She wasn't mad - she was worried about me! I was apologetic, she was forgiving and just glad nothing had happened to me. We both chalked it up to "*stuff* happens", and just made sure we updated our contact info with alternate phone numbers/emergency people so this won't happen again.

You met where she said to. You also refrained from phone usage in deference to her complaints about the cost. You could have decided that working towards a successful meeting was worth the phone charges...but then so could she. If it meant figuring out she was waiting at the wrong place, maybe you could have texted or called and then offered to reimburse her for the cost...
No, on second thought you shouldn't. You bent over backward for her. She was nothing but rude.
I think you can consider yourself lucky that you got to see her true colors. Unless she gets her head out of her neither regions and apologizes, you aren't losing much of a friend. Her message to you was positively venomous. I guess no good deed goes unpunished and all that.  :-\
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Possum

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2013, 02:48:59 AM »
Perhaps you could've sent HER a text:
I'm in front of restaurant.Where are you?
Since her friend had made a big deal of how much it cost her to get texts in America, I'm guessing the OP was trying to be considerate of that fact, and not cost her money by sending a check-in text.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2013, 07:02:06 AM »
I don't see you as doing anything wrong.  You were at the agreed upon meet site and she was not.  You waited for over an hour. 

You stated that everything was agreed upon on a website?   Was it for all to see?  Another words, were all plans made on site that if referred back to you, you could say, "I am confused.  I was at the meeting spot you asked for and I waited for over an hour.  I would have tried to contact you by phone, but you asked me not to do that due to cost.  Where were you at?  How did we miss each other?"    Actually, whether you could see plans or not, I would have stated the above. 

secretrebel

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2013, 08:35:44 AM »
Friend seems to jump to the worst assumption possible.

I get she was disappointed but she could have phrased her message so much better. Just "What happened to you? I waited for hours!" would have been better. In her place I'd have assumed a communication SNAFU - she's jumped directly to assumption of malice.

cicero

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2013, 08:42:23 AM »
wow, talk about an over reaction. you didn't mess up. I don't even agree that you should've gone looking for her - in the old days, before cell phones etc, the advice was to wait in one place and NOT walk around. I probably would've have tried to text her or send her an email (assuming there is wifi, or even a quick call, but you really didn't do anything wrong.

and you write:
I didn't go to the hotel because I was so mad and hurt that I feared creating more of a scene.  I didn't want to grovel for attention, either.  Maybe a mistake, but later on, DH told me I did the right thing by not confronting her at the hotel.  She can be a sweet person, hence the friendship, but also difficult and volatile.

I know you were friends, but really doesn't sound like a healthy friendship if you were so afraid to ask her what's going on?

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zyrs

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Re: Can anyone find how I messed up here, or am I OK?
« Reply #14 on: September 30, 2013, 10:18:29 AM »
I don't think you messed up at all.

You were where you were supposed to meet and you waited much longer than I would have. 

Your friend, on the other hand, owes you a huge apology