Author Topic: Do you call people out on PA comments?  (Read 22673 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #105 on: October 07, 2013, 01:19:05 PM »
As a Christian, I have never seen Christmas *services in a church* as being about pageantry, etc.

They're about the beginning of the core of my religion's beliefs. They're VERY religious to me.

I can absolutely understand someone attending a wedding to witness a life event for someone.

Baptisms do seem different to me than weddings, because a baptism is *only* a religious event. It's not really a "life" event the way a wedding is. Being baptized doesn't change your life. It changes your soul.

There's no reason to attend a Christmas service in a church other than to worship.

A Christmas *concert*, yes, but a service? That's worship.

TurtleDove

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #106 on: October 07, 2013, 01:25:51 PM »
A Christmas *concert*, yes, but a service? That's worship.

This I agree with.  Perhaps I misunderstood what it is the OP is being asked to attend? 

Green Bean

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #107 on: October 07, 2013, 02:25:55 PM »
A Christmas *concert*, yes, but a service? That's worship.

This I agree with.  Perhaps I misunderstood what it is the OP is being asked to attend?

We are being asked to attend the Christmas Eve worship service, not a holiday concert.
Given this is nephew's first year singing and his young age, I'm hesitant to have this become the start of an annual family tradition.

TurtleDove

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #108 on: October 07, 2013, 02:43:52 PM »
We are being asked to attend the Christmas Eve worship service, not a holiday concert.
Given this is nephew's first year singing and his young age, I'm hesitant to have this become the start of an annual family tradition.

I think just be straight with your sister that your beliefs do not allow you to attend a religious service.  So long as you are comfortable with your position, don't allow her to guilt you, meaning, she might try, but just let it roll off your back.  Make it clear it is not that you don't want to hear nephew sing, but just that you cannot go to the religious service.  If the relationship is important to you, I think it makes sense to make it very clear that this is not about nephew but about your convictions, and those are not going to change.

TootsNYC

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #109 on: October 07, 2013, 04:51:23 PM »
If she tries to badger you, having a "cut and paste" reply can be a real help.

You don't have to think on your feet, and the background message is *always* "you will never be able to change my mind."

Jocelyn

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #110 on: October 12, 2013, 06:36:25 PM »
My BIL once asked his mother what she wanted for her birthday. She did they old 'oh, don't waste your money on little old me' line several times, he kept asking and finally she named a very common household product (name changed to protect identities). It is the sort of product that all of us buy on a regular basis and use frequently. So he bought her a big boxful. When she opened it, she cried.
The families remain divided on whether he was clueless, and should be given a pass, or whether he was deliberately trying to be rude. I think he just got tired of being gamed.
And personally, considering that said product is useful, and he bought a goodly supply that wasn't at all cheap, that it was as good a present as any. Especially considering the odds are excellent that there was something she had in mind that she wanted, but he was supposed to figure it out on his own, so that whatever he bought was going to be the wrong gift. But then, I would rather get a big box of Useful Product That I Use Weekly (my brand) than Something I Have No Desire To Own, or Stinky Cheap Perfume, or something like that.

TootsNYC

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #111 on: October 12, 2013, 09:16:36 PM »
My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

Venus193

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #112 on: October 12, 2013, 10:10:28 PM »
I completely agree with that, Toots.  It feels like nobody's paying attention if they have to ask you what you want.

Sharnita

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #113 on: October 12, 2013, 10:21:07 PM »
As far as the gift thing, it becomes a chicken/egg question. Did he start asking what she wsnted as fter she reacted to a gift with.a nasty response or did she become nasty when he.asked what she wanted? If she was nasty about gifts he picked out then it is unreasonable to object to his asking for ideas. And it seems really strange to answer and get huffy because he takes it seriously.

Firecat

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #114 on: October 13, 2013, 10:36:33 AM »
My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

I disagree, actually. When someone asks me what I'd like for a gift-giving occasion, I take it as an indication that they care enough about me to want to get me something I'll enjoy and/or use. I'll typically offer a few suggestions, and the gifter is free to choose something from that list, or get something else if they prefer, but at least they've got something to work with.

The expectation to "guess" honestly seems a bit PA to me, but different people, different families, etc., have different "cultures" when it comes to giving gifts, so I think it's partly a "know your audience" kind of thing.

Minmom3

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #115 on: October 13, 2013, 11:22:47 AM »
My mother was always one of those people who wanted you to intuit what she'd like.  Then, if your choice was 'close but no cigar', she'd pick it apart verbally, and you, with your defective choosing skills, and be completely oblivious to the offense and hurt her words caused.  It did not make choosing things for her a comfortable experience.....   >:(
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

BarensMom

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #116 on: October 13, 2013, 01:40:54 PM »
With the above "you have to guess, but woe betide you if you get it wrong" people, it would be gift cards or nothing from me.

violinp

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #117 on: October 13, 2013, 01:51:49 PM »
My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

I disagree, actually. When someone asks me what I'd like for a gift-giving occasion, I take it as an indication that they care enough about me to want to get me something I'll enjoy and/or use. I'll typically offer a few suggestions, and the gifter is free to choose something from that list, or get something else if they prefer, but at least they've got something to work with.

The expectation to "guess" honestly seems a bit PA to me, but different people, different families, etc., have different "cultures" when it comes to giving gifts, so I think it's partly a "know your audience" kind of thing.

POD. I don't have the energy to try and worry if I've guessed wrong or not. My family members wouldn't be mad, certainly, but I would feel horrible if I got them something they don't like or won't use, and the rest of my family is the same way, so we ask each other for ideas, at the very least, and usually give a wishlist of some kind, because then we know that we're getting stuff that will be liked and appreciated. That's how our family operates, but I know that other people and families love that whole guessing and mystery thing about gifts, so they should do what makes them happy.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


flickan

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #118 on: October 13, 2013, 02:00:21 PM »
My BIL once asked his mother what she wanted for her birthday. She did they old 'oh, don't waste your money on little old me' line several times, he kept asking and finally she named a very common household product (name changed to protect identities). It is the sort of product that all of us buy on a regular basis and use frequently. So he bought her a big boxful. When she opened it, she cried.

As a grown up woman she should be ashamed of herself.  Who bursts into tears upon receiving a gift?  It's not as though he was trying to insult her.  I'd be thrilled to get something I use all the time-- heck a 5lb bag of couscous would be more beneficial to me than a fancy cracker and cheese gift basket, no matter how much more the latter said "holidays"

As for intuiting what people want.  My own mother still calls me up to ask me what I want for Birthday and Christmas and I give her some ideas.  If she doesn't ask me what I want I get something useless.  I've never told her this but she's come to realize over the years that she just doesn't know how to shop for me. I've never given it a second thought and I receive all gifts with genuine enthusiasm but she's the type that will impulse buy something cute and useless for me and it will end up sitting in the closet whereas that $20 gift certificate to the local grocery stores will benefit us significantly.

And if you ask her what she wants she'll insist upon nothing, which is silly.  So I buy her cozy socks, warm jackets, and moderately priced jewelry, which are the three things she loves the most.  I don't really see a disparity we're just completely different people when it comes to giving and receiving gifts.

shhh its me

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #119 on: October 13, 2013, 02:35:43 PM »
My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

I disagree, actually. When someone asks me what I'd like for a gift-giving occasion, I take it as an indication that they care enough about me to want to get me something I'll enjoy and/or use. I'll typically offer a few suggestions, and the gifter is free to choose something from that list, or get something else if they prefer, but at least they've got something to work with.

The expectation to "guess" honestly seems a bit PA to me, but different people, different families, etc., have different "cultures" when it comes to giving gifts, so I think it's partly a "know your audience" kind of thing.

POD. I don't have the energy to try and worry if I've guessed wrong or not. My family members wouldn't be mad, certainly, but I would feel horrible if I got them something they don't like or won't use, and the rest of my family is the same way, so we ask each other for ideas, at the very least, and usually give a wishlist of some kind, because then we know that we're getting stuff that will be liked and appreciated. That's how our family operates, but I know that other people and families love that whole guessing and mystery thing about gifts, so they should do what makes them happy.

I can empathize with both sides.   Anyone close to me should know books especially cookbooks and kitchen gadgets are great gifts for me but most wouldn't know which books or gadgets or that this year I really need a new comforter.   Even someone who spent time with me and did the "ohhh hey she was really eying that purse " thing would be really wrong , yeah ok I liked the purse but there are about 150 other things I'd want/buy before the purse.