Author Topic: Do you call people out on PA comments?  (Read 24726 times)

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MariaE

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #135 on: October 15, 2013, 12:56:28 AM »
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I do think it is "his job" to point people in the right direction when asked. He doesn't have to give a shopping list, but something like "I like boardgames / big cats / to read / watch movies / listen to new music / the colour blue".... Just anything to give me a starting point.

Ah, but his point was that if we are close enough to give him a gift, we should already KNOW things that are this general!
     He shouldn't have to tell us that--we should open our eyes and ears, and engage our brain, and gather that info ourselves. 
       And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.

I don't know any of those things about my cousin or grandfather, aunt or uncles, or my in-laws. DH, my sisters and parents (Mum at least... dad, not so much), yes, but that's about it. And it's rather hurtful to be told this means I don't pay sufficient attention to them, I just don't have the knack of extrapolating from incomplete data like that.

And that's the thing - not everybody does. Not because we don't care, but it's a gift or a talent like any other, and we're just not that good at it.

So if people like your son wants presents other than gift cards to iTunes, amazon or whatever - they need to help us out.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2013, 12:59:57 AM by MariaE »
 
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Allyson

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #136 on: October 15, 2013, 02:12:06 AM »

And that's the thing - not everybody does. Not because we don't care, but it's a gift or a talent like any other, and we're just not that good at it.


Exactly! This young man may be a naturally good gift-giver--he realizes things about his family, immediate and extended, and his friends, and is able to extrapolate those things into good gifts. That's awesome! But I think perhaps he should be thinking about it as 'this is a skill I have, it's a positive, not a neutral'.

In general, though, I think 'they should just know' is a dangerous place to go, as people have wildly different conceptions of what someone should 'just know', often based on things that are obvious *to them*...and they don't even realize that's not so for everyone.

MariaE

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #137 on: October 15, 2013, 02:41:07 AM »
Exactly! This young man may be a naturally good gift-giver--he realizes things about his family, immediate and extended, and his friends, and is able to extrapolate those things into good gifts. That's awesome! But I think perhaps he should be thinking about it as 'this is a skill I have, it's a positive, not a neutral'.
Exactly! It's a terrific talent to have, and I wish I had it!

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In general, though, I think 'they should just know' is a dangerous place to go, as people have wildly different conceptions of what someone should 'just know', often based on things that are obvious *to them*...and they don't even realize that's not so for everyone.
Agreed. You set yourself up for all kinds of disappointments that way.
 
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #138 on: October 15, 2013, 06:53:35 AM »
^^^  I think it was sweet too!  To me it would have meant "Oh!  He's wants to keep me safe!" 

Poor guy!  I would have thought he was a keeper!   ;D

Me too!   I think it's a great skill to have, gift giving.  He listened to what she had said about needing new tires and that she was having trouble affording them, and took care of it for her. 

My DH is good at doing that too.  I've found that unless there's something I really want, I don't really need to ask.  A couple years ago I did tell DH I'd really like a Kindle and got one, but other than that I just let him decide on his own.  One year I had mentioned I wanted a nice warm winter coat. I got a pretty faux fur coat with a nice hood on it. :)  Last year I got a nice camera. :)
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Two Ravens

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #139 on: October 15, 2013, 08:04:12 AM »
Quote
I do think it is "his job" to point people in the right direction when asked. He doesn't have to give a shopping list, but something like "I like boardgames / big cats / to read / watch movies / listen to new music / the colour blue".... Just anything to give me a starting point.

Ah, but his point was that if we are close enough to give him a gift, we should already KNOW things that are this general!
     He shouldn't have to tell us that--we should open our eyes and ears, and engage our brain, and gather that info ourselves. 
       And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.

I don't know any of those things about my cousin or grandfather, aunt or uncles, or my in-laws. DH, my sisters and parents (Mum at least... dad, not so much), yes, but that's about it. And it's rather hurtful to be told this means I don't pay sufficient attention to them, I just don't have the knack of extrapolating from incomplete data like that.

And that's the thing - not everybody does. Not because we don't care, but it's a gift or a talent like any other, and we're just not that good at it.

So if people like your son wants presents other than gift cards to iTunes, amazon or whatever - they need to help us out.

And, even of people knew that, and got him a copy of the newest Green Lego video game, chances are if he likes those things so much he already has it, or has 10 other people buying it for him.

Plus, we have all heard stories on here of a hapless person who once casually mentioned that she likes teacups and kittens, and thus doomed herself to receive nothing but teacups with kittens on them for years on end.

MariaE

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #140 on: October 15, 2013, 09:08:20 AM »
And, even of people knew that, and got him a copy of the newest Green Lego video game, chances are if he likes those things so much he already has it, or has 10 other people buying it for him.

Plus, we have all heard stories on here of a hapless person who once casually mentioned that she likes teacups and kittens, and thus doomed herself to receive nothing but teacups with kittens on them for years on end.

Also a very good point!
 
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #141 on: October 15, 2013, 09:18:42 AM »
And, even of people knew that, and got him a copy of the newest Green Lego video game, chances are if he likes those things so much he already has it, or has 10 other people buying it for him.

Plus, we have all heard stories on here of a hapless person who once casually mentioned that she likes teacups and kittens, and thus doomed herself to receive nothing but teacups with kittens on them for years on end.

Also a very good point!

About 10 years ago, my sis's and I all gathered for an early Christmas celebration and my 13 year old nephew received 3 copies of the newest Madden football game. Unfortunately, he had already bought it on it's release date with the birthday money we had all given him a few months prior. We learned to coordinate gifts for him after that. Teen boys are the absolute worst to gift to. As a mom of a 16 year old, I've struggled for the last 4 years on gifts for him. Video games, camping and golfing items seem to be the main thing now and lots of those are out of the price range for what I'd expect an aunt or uncle to gift him.

Jocelyn

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #142 on: October 20, 2013, 06:55:54 PM »

       And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.
Well...people may know that green is my favorite color, but my family wouldn't necessarily know whether I want another green sweater or not. Or if I wanted emerald green or olive green. They know I love to read, but without consulting my Amazon wish list, how would they know which books I want to read next? Or that my Kindle is so overloaded, I don't want books this year?
Maybe you can know these things about someone you live with and see frequently, but if you're buying for someone you only see a couple of times a year, and it's been so long since you've seen their home, you don't know what colors they're using right now.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #143 on: October 20, 2013, 08:58:04 PM »

       And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.
Well...people may know that green is my favorite color, but my family wouldn't necessarily know whether I want another green sweater or not. Or if I wanted emerald green or olive green. They know I love to read, but without consulting my Amazon wish list, how would they know which books I want to read next? Or that my Kindle is so overloaded, I don't want books this year?
Maybe you can know these things about someone you live with and see frequently, but if you're buying for someone you only see a couple of times a year, and it's been so long since you've seen their home, you don't know what colors they're using right now.

"Another green sweater" is a good point. I like purple, and I have a bunch of purple clothing: but that doesn't mean I want all my clothes to be purple. And I'd rather have a black, cobalt blue, navy, or dark green sweater that fits really well than a purple one whose sleeves are too tight (something that's hard to tell without trying a garment on).

If the gift recipient is a teenager, it's also tricky because tastes change faster at 15 than at 35: they may have decided that they don't like green anymore, or gotten bored with Legos.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #144 on: October 23, 2013, 02:20:46 PM »

Now we do a lot of "virtual gifts," where we just show each other a "gift" online or in a store. (I emailed her a link to the Ninjabread cookie cutters.) Yesterday at a toy store, I spotted a $200 Steiff version of the original Tigger (she's very energetic, so her nickname is Tigger). I had her follow me, eyes on the floor, until we got up to it, then I showed it to her, she went "Cool!" and we left.

That's really cool!

TootsNYC

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #145 on: October 23, 2013, 02:30:07 PM »
Quote
I do think it is "his job" to point people in the right direction when asked. He doesn't have to give a shopping list, but something like "I like boardgames / big cats / to read / watch movies / listen to new music / the colour blue".... Just anything to give me a starting point.

Ah, but his point was that if we are close enough to give him a gift, we should already KNOW things that are this general!
     He shouldn't have to tell us that--we should open our eyes and ears, and engage our brain, and gather that info ourselves. 
       And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.

I don't know any of those things about my cousin or grandfather, aunt or uncles, or my in-laws. DH, my sisters and parents (Mum at least... dad, not so much), yes, but that's about it. And it's rather hurtful to be told this means I don't pay sufficient attention to them, I just don't have the knack of extrapolating from incomplete data like that.

Please don't take my comment--which was deliberately full of third-person pronouns, and *not* the "universal 'you' " as a judgment on *you* or on *your* family.

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And, even of people knew that, and got him a copy of the newest Green Lego video game, chances are if he likes those things so much he already has it, or has 10 other people buying it for him.


And if my son got 3 copies of the newest Green Lego video game, he'd be pleased. He's perfectly content with having people try and miss. That's not hurtful to him.

It's the being asked, "what do you want for Christmas" that bothered him. I think it makes him feel that the asker isn't bothered enough to even try. And if his cousin asked for a few ideas, or general I think he'd be willing to give them.

And yes, his broadest interests are available to his cousins. He's a 15yo boy (which carries its own set of ideas in and of itself), and they see him 6 times a year. That's enough to have *that general* of a list of ideas. People who see him less often aren't the people who give him gifts. (which is why I spoke only of him and his life.)

MariaE

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #146 on: October 23, 2013, 03:49:51 PM »
Please don't take my comment--which was deliberately full of third-person pronouns, and *not* the "universal 'you' " as a judgment on *you* or on *your* family.

Ok, I won't. Thanks.

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And yes, his broadest interests are available to his cousins. He's a 15yo boy (which carries its own set of ideas in and of itself), and they see him 6 times a year. That's enough to have *that general* of a list of ideas. People who see him less often aren't the people who give him gifts. (which is why I spoke only of him and his life.)
I'm completely baffled by the bolded. My now 20yo male cousin is without a doubt the most difficult person to buy presents for - and has been so since he outgrew toys - which unfortunately included Lego. I see him a lot more often than 6 times a year, but that doesn't seem to help me any.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of ideas does being a 15yo boy carry in and of itself? Other than perhaps popular action movies, I can't think of anything I'd assume was an obvious choice. Like I said, I really suck at this.
 
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cwm

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #147 on: October 23, 2013, 04:05:38 PM »
Please don't take my comment--which was deliberately full of third-person pronouns, and *not* the "universal 'you' " as a judgment on *you* or on *your* family.

Ok, I won't. Thanks.

Quote
And yes, his broadest interests are available to his cousins. He's a 15yo boy (which carries its own set of ideas in and of itself), and they see him 6 times a year. That's enough to have *that general* of a list of ideas. People who see him less often aren't the people who give him gifts. (which is why I spoke only of him and his life.)
I'm completely baffled by the bolded. My now 20yo male cousin is without a doubt the most difficult person to buy presents for - and has been so since he outgrew toys - which unfortunately included Lego. I see him a lot more often than 6 times a year, but that doesn't seem to help me any.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of ideas does being a 15yo boy carry in and of itself? Other than perhaps popular action movies, I can't think of anything I'd assume was an obvious choice. Like I said, I really suck at this.

Maria, I agree with you. I can't see what gender and age have to at all with what gifts someone would like. My sister and I were very different. My wish list at 15 (as a girl) was my own tent, my own kayak complete with paddles, probably some books, and maybe a video game system. My sister's at the same age was clothes, different books entirely, body products, and her own kayak. A friend of mine at the same age wanted porcelain dolls, clothes for them, and anime. A friend of my sister wanted nothing more than sewing and crafting supplies.

OTOH, you can see someone every day and still have no idea what to get for them. Case in point, my mother. I had people asking me what her favorite cake was, what her favorite cookies were, what kind of snack foods she liked. I have no idea. I've rarely gone a week without speaking to her, I've lived with her most of my life, and to this day all I can say about her food preferences is that she doesn't like raisins. I have no idea what to get her for her birthday or Christmas because she's always gracious about everything and has likes all over the place. I hate trying to find the "right" gift for her because there seems to be no "wrong" gift, leaving everything wide open.

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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #148 on: October 23, 2013, 04:11:46 PM »
I also agree. I don't think that people who don't know exactly what book I'm looking for, or whether I'd prefer a new sweater over an iTunes card, are not paying attention to me appropriately. Perhaps some people can do that; not everyone has that skill. And if someone is going to be hurt that (gasp) someone asked them what they want, how devastated are they going to be if the person guessed wrong?
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Re: Do you call people out on PA comments?
« Reply #149 on: October 23, 2013, 04:12:25 PM »
I'd say, the stereotype for a teenage boy includes: popular action movies; video games; adventurous books intended for teens; T-shirts with skulls or ironic sayings or soda logos on them; iTunes gift cards; cases of Mountain Dew or Red Bull.

Also, I'd be totally tempted to get a 20yo a small Lego something every year. Just because I believe that everyone deserves to get a toy for Christmas.

(I think 20yo's are harder than 15yo's. The stereotypes are less helpful. Stereotypes are always risky, but at 20, they all but cease to apply.)


Again, my son would be OK with the idea that his cousin got him something that was a really good attempt. He wouldn't be OK with the idea that he was supposed to give a family member a shopping list. For a faraway grandparent, he'd compile an *ideas* list.

I know that picking out presents isn't everybody's skill. They don't get to use "the thought behind the present" as a way to communicate their affection. It doesn't mean they don't *feel* that affection--not at all! It simply means they cannot use that tool. And if their target sees value in that "love language," they're going to be left hungry. Which won't be horrendous if they're getting "fed" (in terms of affection) in other ways.