My DH's sibling (let's call him Dave) has offered to host Thanksgiving this year. This is the first time Dave has lived somewhere large enough to host a holiday and he is very excited to be able to do so. Dave lives in our original hometown and has invited his immediate family members (us, siblings, parents) for the holiday. We will all be traveling to hometown, as Dave is the only one who still lives there - the rest of us live many, many hours away.
Dave was kind enough to extend an offer to my mother, who also lives in our original hometown. He has met her several times.
Unfortunately, when I first mentioned this possibility to my mother (before plans were definite), she made a comment that sounded as though she expected my younger sibling (let's call her Jane) was also invited. Jane is not. Because nothing was definite, I didn't say anything at the time. Once plans were definite, I sent mom an email inviting her to join us at Dave's for Thanksgiving. I explicitly said, "If Jane will be around, we can do a small meal with just the four of us instead, and DH and I will see DH's family at some other point in the week." I thought that would make it nice and clear. Apparently not.
Mom's response (summarized): "Last year I had dinner with Best Friend and Jane. Does Dave have enough room for all of us? I'll have to ask Jane if she's interested."
Well, Jane is not invited. Neither is BF. Dave has never met Jane nor BF. In fact, I have never even met BF (though my mother talks about this person all the time). In addition, Jane is asocial, at best. I have not had a conversation with Jane in years upon years. She rarely shows up for family events (even though she lives five minutes away while the rest of the siblings have to fly in), and when she does she often stops in, makes a plate of food, and takes it back to her place where she can eat it alone. She is in and out in less than five minutes, usually without a hello unless somebody happens to catch her in the kitchen. When she does talk, she is VERY antagonistic - she has admitted that she likes to rile other people up because she finds it fun. In other words, this is not somebody who would do well socializing with people she has never met.
There are other reasons that I won't get into that would make it a very bad idea for mom's BF to attend this meal, too.
Mom and I have a rocky relationship. I would like to find a way to tell her that they are not invited, nor will I ask Dave to invite them, but minus the snarkiness that I'm feeling right now. And, honestly, even though I originally asked if she would prefer to have Thanksgiving with just the four of us, I would much rather have dinner at Dave's than with mom, Jane, and BF.
I'm thinking of just saying, "Jane and BF haven't been invited. Would you prefer to do Thanksgiving with the two of them, and DH and I can join you for dessert? Or would you rather eat with us and leave them to their own devices?"
If it makes any difference, we see DH's family far less often that we do my mom, due to the distance. (Though we live apart from both of them, DH's family is much further away.)
