Author Topic: Yes, I do mind...  (Read 8381 times)

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sweetonsno

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #15 on: September 30, 2013, 07:12:50 PM »
I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. Do you need to allow someone to break your "house rules"? No, but I don't think you should blame someone for asking for something that they are used to. Even if you used a perfectly pleasant tone of voice, "She'll have to wait like everyone else" seems like a harsh way of phrasing it. It certainly could be taken that way. To me, it seems to imply that she is wrong for asking, and so long as she was polite (it sounds like she was, at least up until she tried to get her grandma to override you), I don't think you should treat her request as though it was unreasonable.

My point isn't that you're wrong to do mealtime a particular way, but that I think it's best to explain your rules to kids if you have different expectations. Instead of just telling the kid "no," you could have explained that you didn't have snacks before dinner in your house (or, if you did, pointing her in the direction of the nibbles that were already provided). You didn't have to say "she can wait like everyone else." You could have said, "It's very important to me that we eat as a family" or "I need the kitchen to myself to finish getting dinner ready. If she's still hungry after we eat, you can make her something."

That said, I agree with the previous poster that the big problem is probably your brother's response to her. It was unquestionably rude.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #16 on: September 30, 2013, 07:27:03 PM »
The child did do something wrong!

She was aleady told no by the OP and she was in the OPs house as a guest.  After being told no it was completely inappropriate for her to go to her grandma to go around the OP.


Tea Drinker

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #17 on: September 30, 2013, 09:01:50 PM »
I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. Do you need to allow someone to break your "house rules"? No, but I don't think you should blame someone for asking for something that they are used to. Even if you used a perfectly pleasant tone of voice, "She'll have to wait like everyone else" seems like a harsh way of phrasing it. It certainly could be taken that way. To me, it seems to imply that she is wrong for asking, and so long as she was polite (it sounds like she was, at least up until she tried to get her grandma to override you), I don't think you should treat her request as though it was unreasonable.

My point isn't that you're wrong to do mealtime a particular way, but that I think it's best to explain your rules to kids if you have different expectations. Instead of just telling the kid "no," you could have explained that you didn't have snacks before dinner in your house (or, if you did, pointing her in the direction of the nibbles that were already provided). You didn't have to say "she can wait like everyone else." You could have said, "It's very important to me that we eat as a family" or "I need the kitchen to myself to finish getting dinner ready. If she's still hungry after we eat, you can make her something."

That said, I agree with the previous poster that the big problem is probably your brother's response to her. It was unquestionably rude.

As far as I can tell, she did give the child a reason for "no": it wasn't "no, you can't have a sandwich, you have to wait like everyone else" it was "no, you can't have a sandwich because it's almost dinner time." That's not an explicit "no snacks right before dinner" but it's a pretty clear connection: you cannot have a sandwich because it's almost dinner time. If the child was genuinely confused by that answer, she could have said "I don't understand" or "Why does that mean I can't have a sandwich?" Instead, she asked another adult to "make [OP] make her a sandwich."

The "wait like everyone else" was to SIL, who shouldn't have been surprised that OP's family all sit down together: even if her family does things differently, the idea of a family mealtime isn't that unusual. And "Mom, can you make Redneck Gravy make me a sandwich" tells the SIL that she's already asked for a sandwich and been turned down.

Again, if Redneck Gravy had said "I'm sorry, honey, I'm busy making dinner, you'll have to wait," the child might have asked her mother to make her a sandwich, but probably not to tell OP to do it. "Mom, can you make me a sandwich. My aunt said she's busy right now."
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PastryGoddess

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #18 on: September 30, 2013, 10:17:06 PM »
Tea Drinker, the comment that the grandchild had to wait for like everyone else came AFTER the grandchild had tried to circumvent OP.  It was not the initial response to the child. and the comment was not made to the child, but to the adult.

Millionaire Maria

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2013, 11:01:09 PM »
A lot of times when people feel defensive about their own choices, they will lash out at others who do things differently to try to justify their method as better. Maybe SIL has a bit of a martyr complex about "serving" (literally and figuratively) her family being her #1 priority? And you struck a nerve accidentally by calmly and politely refusing to pursue similar martyrdom at your event at your home?

I mean, even if you had snapped at her, it was such a ridiculous request that I'd cut you a break. Unless the child was about to faint from low blood sugar, or needed to take medication with food on a very strict schedule, there is no reason they couldn't wait 10 minutes.

Exactly what I was thinking! OP, please don't apologize, you did nothing wrong.
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sammycat

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2013, 11:08:51 PM »
A lot of times when people feel defensive about their own choices, they will lash out at others who do things differently to try to justify their method as better. Maybe SIL has a bit of a martyr complex about "serving" (literally and figuratively) her family being her #1 priority? And you struck a nerve accidentally by calmly and politely refusing to pursue similar martyrdom at your event at your home?

I mean, even if you had snapped at her, it was such a ridiculous request that I'd cut you a break. Unless the child was about to faint from low blood sugar, or needed to take medication with food on a very strict schedule, there is no reason they couldn't wait 10 minutes.

Exactly what I was thinking! OP, please don't apologize, you did nothing wrong.

I agree wholeheartedly with LadyL and Millionaire Maria.

As another poster said, least said, soonest mended.

TBH, I was highly irritated just reading about SIL's dining methods; I think I'd go out of my mind if I had to actually experience it firsthand.

TootsNYC

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2013, 11:24:21 PM »

My point isn't that you're wrong to do mealtime a particular way, but that I think it's best to explain your rules to kids if you have different expectations. Instead of just telling the kid "no," you could have explained that you didn't have snacks before dinner in your house (or, if you did, pointing her in the direction of the nibbles that were already provided). You didn't have to say "she can wait like everyone else." You could have said, "It's very important to me that we eat as a family" or "I need the kitchen to myself to finish getting dinner ready. If she's still hungry after we eat, you can make her something."


I do agree with this.
Even to your SIL, I think these phrases would have been both less likely to offend and more powerful. (One of those "focus on what you DO want--family eating together/uninterrupted time in the kitchen--and not on what you DON'T want--to treat kid as special.)

Or even, "I'm in the middle of getting dinner ready, and I don't have time now."

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2013, 11:25:22 PM »
Yep, don't apologise. In fact, I'd stop trying to contact your SIL. The ball's in her court now.

And if the child actually said "Make her (the OP) make me a sandwich!" that is actually quite rude and entitled. As a PP said, I hope she's not older than 4.

Pen^2

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2013, 06:45:26 AM »
With the child that asked for a sandwich--we don't know exactly what OP said to her, but even if the OP didn't explain things to the kid, a good guest still abides by their host's house's rules even if they aren't told the reason behind all of them. Explaining things would be a courtesy, and isn't required to still be a good host. But if the child is young enough, then I can see that she might not have known this. SIL's duty, when informed, is to explain this to the kid, as always when a child doesn't understand an etiquette situation. I give the child a free pass on asking OP for food, since she possibly just didn't know. Asking SIL also gets a free pass if the child is young enough not to have experienced this before. But SIL's reaction (not to teach the child the right thing to do) makes this a little hard to believe.

We don't know if the child went and told SIL to make OP get her some food (oh so rude!) or if the child merely went and asked SIL for something to eat directly, and SIL tried to turn it on the OP. SIL should have turned this into a teaching moment.

Kid: "SIL, can you get me a sandwich to eat? I asked OP, but she said no."
SIL: (should have said) "Ah, in that case, OP is the host, so you need to do as she says instead of asking me to do it anyway. That's what you do when you're a guest: follow the rules the host has."
SIL: (maybe actually said something like) "She didn't get you food when you wanted it like I always do? Oh no! How uncharitable of her! I'll go sort that out right away!"

SIL's way of feeding her children is certainly not my cup of tea. Not sitting down to eat and just eating whenever are not the kinds of things I'd be comfortable with. But I'd have no problem with it, though, if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't seem to be overly willing to teach her children that what is acceptable at home is not what is necessarily considered polite elsewhere, and how to eat in a more etiquette-approved way when they're guests.

Zilla

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2013, 08:27:08 AM »
In my house it's similar BUT the kids feeds themselves and only snacks.  I put all their snacks in a lower bin/shelf so they can eat whenever throughout the day.  We also have at least 2 sit down meals a day which again if they don't like what's being offered, they can make something else and sit with us. (I keep plain cooked pasta in the fridge in which they can dress it themselves)


But with all this said, they do NOT expect this from anyone else.  They understood that this is just done in our home.  I wouldn't worry about you being the troublemaker, it's something bro needed to do and you were the catalyst to do it.  You helped him in my eyes.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #25 on: October 01, 2013, 02:45:05 PM »
I have to wonder what these kids do/will do at school.  They can't eat whenever they please and will have to eat what they bring or what's on the school lunch menu.  OP's SIL is setting her grandchildren up to be Special Snowflakes.

OP, you were not rude.  The rudest person was the kid who, basically, told her grandmother "Go MAKE her do what I want".

Marbles

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #26 on: October 06, 2013, 01:31:19 AM »
I think SIL may have been taken aback by the "Yes, I do mind", since so often people ask "do you mind..." as a formality and expect the answer to be an automatic agreement. Since you have seen her cater to her grandkids this way many times without saying anything (not that you should have), it may never have occurred to her that this was something that you had a problem with.

Zilla

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #27 on: October 06, 2013, 09:32:41 AM »
I think SIL may have been taken aback by the "Yes, I do mind", since so often people ask "do you mind..." as a formality and expect the answer to be an automatic agreement. Since you have seen her cater to her grandkids this way many times without saying anything (not that you should have), it may never have occurred to her that this was something that you had a problem with.


I can see that and perhaps instead of saying the phrase, Yes I do mind, no matter how mild of a voice. She could have simply deflected and say, "We are eating dinner in a few minutes, in fact let me go and get that taken care of." and leave with a smile. Sil will still be miffed but shouldn't be that taken aback. 

AnnaJ

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2013, 12:32:22 PM »
I think SIL may have been taken aback by the "Yes, I do mind", since so often people ask "do you mind..." as a formality and expect the answer to be an automatic agreement. Since you have seen her cater to her grandkids this way many times without saying anything (not that you should have), it may never have occurred to her that this was something that you had a problem with.


I can see that and perhaps instead of saying the phrase, Yes I do mind, no matter how mild of a voice. She could have simply deflected and say, "We are eating dinner in a few minutes, in fact let me go and get that taken care of." and leave with a smile. Sil will still be miffed but shouldn't be that taken aback.

Without saying 'yes, I do mind' or a similar phrase, there is no 'no' in that reply, only two statements - dinner will be in a few minutes, and I'm going to go in the kitchen and do dinner things.  It leaves it open for SIL to go into the kitchen herself and make the child a snack because you're too busy, or to say 'it's OK, child always eats a snack before dinner.' 

OP, I think you were fine and since you and SIL have a generally good relationship this will pass fairly quickly - and hopefully she'll use it as a training moment for the grandkids. 

Drunken Housewife

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Re: Yes, I do mind...
« Reply #29 on: October 06, 2013, 12:56:00 PM »
I think that if the OP had said, "I can't make her a sandwich because I'm busy getting dinner" or any of the other gentle, no-less remarks, then the SIL would have most likely said, "No problem, I'll just make the sandwich for her", which would have put the OP in the position of having to become more blunt. 

I don't think the OP did anything wrong.
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