General Etiquette > Family and Children

How to handle mother? Solution #49

<< < (2/12) > >>

Lynn2000:
If she perceives you as just "sitting around all day at the computer doing nothing," it might help to make, and keep to, a strict schedule, which you mention to her and perhaps even keep posted where she can see it. I mean, if you were going off to campus for a class you would probably have told her about that and even given her a class schedule, right? Same if you were working, say, a part-time job. So think of your online class and your job-hunting like that. And then let her know when you're available to do chores.

"Mom, from 9am to 11am M thru F I will be working on my class, which is online. From 11am until 2pm, excluding lunch, I will be researching and applying for jobs online. After 2pm every day, and all day on the weekends, I'll be available to do chores."

Then you can say, "Mom, I told you, I'm working on my class right now" or "Mom, I told you, I'm applying for jobs right now." Treat the times you gave her like a work or class schedule that really can't be interrupted or postponed. And then when it's time to do chores, get up and do those promptly, so you're not the kid who has to be nagged into working. ;)

Maybe ask her for a list of things she wants done regularly in advance, so you don't have to check with her all the time and you can plan them. I think if you're living at home rent-free, doing chores is perfectly reasonable, but there should be room for negotiation in the actual chores, when they're done, and how many you do. Maybe if you have a set schedule and a set list of chores, both of you will feel like you're able to make more progress, rather than just doing whatever she wants whenever she thinks of it.

I understand that your computer work is personal to you, but if it would help her to see the website for your class, you might try that. Or perhaps challenge her to sit down at a company's website and figure out how to find and apply for a job with them! I myself had no idea how complicated and extensive the process could be until a colleague was job-hunting and telling me about it.

LeveeWoman:

--- Quote from: Lynn2000 on October 01, 2013, 03:05:22 PM ---If she perceives you as just "sitting around all day at the computer doing nothing," it might help to make, and keep to, a strict schedule, which you mention to her and perhaps even keep posted where she can see it. I mean, if you were going off to campus for a class you would probably have told her about that and even given her a class schedule, right? Same if you were working, say, a part-time job. So think of your online class and your job-hunting like that. And then let her know when you're available to do chores.

"Mom, from 9am to 11am M thru F I will be working on my class, which is online. From 11am until 2pm, excluding lunch, I will be researching and applying for jobs online. After 2pm every day, and all day on the weekends, I'll be available to do chores."

Then you can say, "Mom, I told you, I'm working on my class right now" or "Mom, I told you, I'm applying for jobs right now." Treat the times you gave her like a work or class schedule that really can't be interrupted or postponed. And then when it's time to do chores, get up and do those promptly, so you're not the kid who has to be nagged into working. ;)

Maybe ask her for a list of things she wants done regularly in advance, so you don't have to check with her all the time and you can plan them. I think if you're living at home rent-free, doing chores is perfectly reasonable, but there should be room for negotiation in the actual chores, when they're done, and how many you do. Maybe if you have a set schedule and a set list of chores, both of you will feel like you're able to make more progress, rather than just doing whatever she wants whenever she thinks of it.

I understand that your computer work is personal to you, but if it would help her to see the website for your class, you might try that. Or perhaps challenge her to sit down at a company's website and figure out how to find and apply for a job with them! I myself had no idea how complicated and extensive the process could be until a colleague was job-hunting and telling me about it.

--- End quote ---

I like Lynn's suggestions a lot.

WillyNilly:
If you are an adult (old enough for college and military), its perfectly reasonable for you to be expected to either be in school, or working, and paying rent. You aren't in school and you don't have a job outside the home, so putting you to work inside the home is reasonable. And its reasonable for your mom to expect you put in full time hours at it and/or enough hours to justify living and eating and using any amenities rent free (in other words your housework is your rent).

If you have specific schedule your online course requires, you should communicate that to your mother - you should not be expected to be pulled away from the course. But other then that, I think you should either find another place to live or pay the "rent" (the assignments your mother give you) at the place you are now. Job searching is a personal endeavor that shoudl be handled on personal time, and online job searching can be done at any hour.

gramma dishes:

--- Quote from: Isilleke on October 01, 2013, 02:30:20 PM ---I recently dropped out of school and am hoping I get into the Military next year ...


...    My father however has proposed to send the alimony directly into my account so I could pay rent so to speak, but I'm afraid that if I would allow him to do that, my mother would go ballistic. It's a very sensitive topic.

--- End quote ---

Two questions.  You sound young.  What school have you recently dropped out of?  High School or College?  If you've dropped out of High School, will you be accepted into the military? 

I don't know what state (or even country) you live in, and I'm sure there are variations.  If you father is paying true alimony, he cannot divert that to you.  But if he's paying child support for you, he might be able to move that into your own account.

It sounds like you need to say calmly to your Mom, "Look, Mom.  I'm NOT using the computer to play games or get dates. I'm using the computer to do two things.  One:  I'm taking an online class which I hope will improve my job opportunities, and Two:  I'm searching for a job.  That's how it's done now, you apply on line.  I'm using it for serious things that will have an impact on my future. 

I'm happy to help you with household chores as much as I can, but I really have to have some time to get things done for myself.   Can we sit down and make a list of the things you'd like me to do for you?  We can talk about how much time each of those things take and figure out a flexible schedule, but right now I simply can't do everything you expect me to.  Let's figure out something that works and is fair for both of us."

z_squared82:

--- Quote from: Isilleke on October 01, 2013, 02:30:20 PM ---
Off topic, but not completely is that she's demanding to know what I do on the computer all day and wants to see it. For me, my computer is very personal and even though I'm not doing anything wrong, I don't like other people watching or even asking me about it. It feels like someone asking me to read my diary for example. Or when you're reading a good book and they keep interrupting you.

I'm not willing to tell her everytime I'm using the computer, what I'm doing, so I would like a nice stockphrase to block her off when she's asking me.


--- End quote ---

A potential response to this, when I was unemployed, the state gave me a notebook in which to keep track of all the jobs I applied for in case I was audited. You might also keep a hard copy record of where you applied (the company and job title), when, how (mail? Email? Online application?),  the contact person if applicable. And in the front, keep a list of the websites that list jobs (and log ins/passwords if you trust putting that in there). That way you can easily show your mom what youíve done online without actually showing her the computer.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version