Author Topic: How to handle mother? Solution #49  (Read 9220 times)

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JoieGirl7

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #15 on: October 01, 2013, 04:18:04 PM »

My youngest son moved out to the west coast a few years ago.  He had enough money for a couple of months and so needed to find a job urgently.  He found a short two week one the first week, but it required him to have a car and he didn't have one.  So, he went out and rented one!

He made $800 in those two weeks and had to pay $400 for the car, but he still took him <$400.  Then, he walked up to Ventura Blvd and went into every restaurant asking to fill out an application even if they were not hiring at that time.  It was hard, but he managed to find a job within two weeks.

It wasn't a good job either-- not enough hours, little pay.  But, it was enough to keep him in LA.  Then the restaurant closed and he was out of work for about a month.

In that month, he followed up with all the applications he had filled out before.  He networked with people he met and finally found a job as a server that he still has two years later.

While working as a server there, he met a celebrity who invited him to work on some of her side projects and now works for her full time along withl doing shifts at the restaurant.

It has been a hard road, but being out on his own was a great motivator.  And his hard work at finding a job, any job, has two years later paid off with a position that pays enough to live but ,offers him a future in the entertainment industry.

His is now on his way to fulfilling his dreams.

I think you need to stop worrying about how to handle mom and instead get out of the house and find yourself a job, any job.  Start making some money and stop spending so much time at home.  You will feel so much better about everything because you will have control over your life.

My oldest is working two jobs now because he wanted to travel with his band.  Sometimes he works 80 hours in a week and he works seven days a week and its not a desk job.

He loves it because he is in control, does not have to answer to anyone and is chasing his dreams.  I don't hesitate to help him out if he really needs it because I feel that I am contributing to someone who is already doing everything in their power to make a good life for themselves.

If he was sitting on the couch every day doing nothing but playing video games, then any help I gave would sabotage his success.

Your mom is actually doing a good thing for you by not allowing you to be completely comfortable living at home rent free.  Instead of coming up with stock phrases to out her off, it might be in your better interest to embrace getting yourself out and about.









nuit93

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #16 on: October 01, 2013, 04:20:09 PM »
If you are an adult (old enough for college and military), its perfectly reasonable for you to be expected to either be in school, or working, and paying rent. You aren't in school and you don't have a job outside the home, so putting you to work inside the home is reasonable. And its reasonable for your mom to expect you put in full time hours at it and/or enough hours to justify living and eating and using any amenities rent free (in other words your housework is your rent).

If you have specific schedule your online course requires, you should communicate that to your mother - you should not be expected to be pulled away from the course. But other then that, I think you should either find another place to live or pay the "rent" (the assignments your mother give you) at the place you are now. Job searching is a personal endeavor that shoudl be handled on personal time, and online job searching can be done at any hour.

The OP is doing their education online.

wolfie

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #17 on: October 01, 2013, 04:24:37 PM »
If you are an adult (old enough for college and military), its perfectly reasonable for you to be expected to either be in school, or working, and paying rent. You aren't in school and you don't have a job outside the home, so putting you to work inside the home is reasonable. And its reasonable for your mom to expect you put in full time hours at it and/or enough hours to justify living and eating and using any amenities rent free (in other words your housework is your rent).

If you have specific schedule your online course requires, you should communicate that to your mother - you should not be expected to be pulled away from the course. But other then that, I think you should either find another place to live or pay the "rent" (the assignments your mother give you) at the place you are now. Job searching is a personal endeavor that shoudl be handled on personal time, and online job searching can be done at any hour.

The OP is doing their education online.

The OP specifically said she dropped out of school and is doing one online course. We don't know what type of course, but we do know that her mother doesn't consider that enough schooling to merit her not getting a job.

CocoCamm

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #18 on: October 01, 2013, 04:28:02 PM »
Since you already have a tense relationship with your mom I echo the posters who suggested you be proactive and sit down with her and explain what you are doing. Set the expectation of how much time each day you need to complete applications and coursework and when you will be available to help out. Maybe even ask if you can sit down once a week and go over what needs to be done and when you can do it. That way she knows you are being productive and not blowing her off and you don't need to have a conversation everyday about what needs to be done.

MrTango

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #19 on: October 01, 2013, 04:35:29 PM »
OP, is there a public library you could go to?  That way, you can say that you're going to to do some job hunting.  That way, since you're out job hunting, your mother doesn't get to see what you're doing and gripe at you for being on the computer.

Hmmmmm

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2013, 04:52:18 PM »
OP, I have a DD who is 18. I'm thinking this through like a mom. If I understand correctly, you might be between 18 and 20?

As a mom, what I'm observing is:
My DD quit school (not sure if this was HS or college level)
My DD is considering going into the military but it will be a year before it happens.
My DD is taking ONE online course.
My DD is looking for a job via the computer only.
My DD is living her rent and bored free.
Every time I see my DD she is on the computer. I have no idea if she is spending an hour a day on school work and an hour or less looking for a job and the rest on reddit.

As a mom, what I'm thinking is:
My DD quit school
My DD has no marketable skills so she needs to be finding a job most likely in the service industry. Dropping off resumes and applications at restaurants, stores, and fast food locations are still the very viable options for gettign a job.
My DD has a full year before her plan of military will occur
I do not want my DD to become a free loader so I'm not going to make her "year off" comfortable because I want her motivated.
If I work 8 hours a day, so can she
If I was looking for a new job and taking an online course, I'd be doing these in the evenings because I still have to work 8 to 5 to pay the bills.

I don't think it is reasonable to ask to review your activities on the computer. 
I do think it is reasonable to expect you to do the majority of the housework.
I do think it is reaonsable to expect some feedback from you on what you are doing during the day.

My recommendation is to tell her what you did in general conversations.
"In my class today, we were studying xyz. I have a quiz over it tomorrow so I spent most of the afternoon reading the chapter and reviewing the content."
"This morning, I saw that Panera at the mall is hiring. I submitted an online application. After doing some research on glassdoor.com I found most people said it takes about 4 days to get an interview. I'll call the manager in a couple of days to see if my application was received."
"I didn't have time to dust today, so I'll finish it up tonight before bed."
"I plan to go to the grocery store tomorrow, do you need anything in particular? Would you like me to stop by the pharmacy too?"

I can't imagine how fustrating and a little depressing it probably is for you right now. But remember that your mom is still concerned about you and is also feeling a little depressed and worrying if she failed you as a mother. Continuing to engage with her without feeling defensive will show her that you are maturing and will help both of your morales.

PastryGoddess

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2013, 05:00:06 PM »
I don't know if you have a car, but in many areas caterers are always looking for service staff.  If you are willing to work hard, be on your feet for many hours, and work evenings and weekends.  You can make a decent amount of money.  maybe not enough to move out, but enough to start saving. 

I'm self employed and I STILL take on the odd job with a local caterer on the weekends.  They know I'm reliable, efficient, and can work the kitchen on my own if necessary.

WillyNilly

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2013, 05:04:27 PM »
If you are an adult (old enough for college and military), its perfectly reasonable for you to be expected to either be in school, or working, and paying rent. You aren't in school and you don't have a job outside the home, so putting you to work inside the home is reasonable. And its reasonable for your mom to expect you put in full time hours at it and/or enough hours to justify living and eating and using any amenities rent free (in other words your housework is your rent).

If you have specific schedule your online course requires, you should communicate that to your mother - you should not be expected to be pulled away from the course. But other then that, I think you should either find another place to live or pay the "rent" (the assignments your mother give you) at the place you are now. Job searching is a personal endeavor that shoudl be handled on personal time, and online job searching can be done at any hour.

The OP is doing their education online.

I specifically said I thought it was reasonable the OP should be given time to complete the obligations of her coursework.

But she's not a full time student nor is she working an outside job. I simply think its perfectly reasonable to expect anyone over 18 to be putting in a full 40 hours of work (school or job) a week.

*inviteseller

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2013, 06:21:06 PM »
Sorry OP, I have to be on your mom's side ..and I say this as the mom to an 18 yr old DD who has more excuses not to do anything to help around the house but yet isn't working or in school.  You say you want a job working from home on the computer.  Those jobs aren't really out there for someone with no experience.  If you don't want to help your mom out around the house, go out and start pounding that pavement..put applications in everywhere and eventually, you will get something.  Your mom is frustrated that she works all day and she comes home and you are on the computer.  Share with her your online class (is this college?) so she understands why and when you will be doing it.  Instead of just taking a hard line against what she expects from you by just saying "ain't gonna happen", start thinking of how she feels coming home after working all day to clean and cook when you have been in the house all day.  If you are over 18, she is under no obligation to feed and house you any longer and you should appreciate that all she asks is for help around the house.

nayberry

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2013, 06:33:13 PM »
Inv, i can understand the mum wanting help, but if the OP is doing an online course and as most jobs want online applications then taking her away from the computer is taking her away from ways for her to try and find a job.  there are very few places now where you can just drop off a cv,  and from the computer i, and probably the OP,  can apply for a lot more jobs than i can walking around trading estates and offices.

Yvaine

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #25 on: October 01, 2013, 06:37:53 PM »
Sorry OP, I have to be on your mom's side ..and I say this as the mom to an 18 yr old DD who has more excuses not to do anything to help around the house but yet isn't working or in school.  You say you want a job working from home on the computer.  Those jobs aren't really out there for someone with no experience. 

If I'm reading the OP correctly, she isn't saying she's only looking for jobs where she will work from home on the computer. She says she's doing the looking from the computer at home, which is how it mostly works these days. I became unemployed in May and found a ton of job openings online, applied, got a bunch of interviews, didn't end up getting hired for most of the positions, and then did get hired for one after a few months. That's where most openings are posted now. Even a lot of retail type things want you to apply online now.

If you don't want to help your mom out around the house, go out and start pounding that pavement..put applications in everywhere and eventually, you will get something.  Your mom is frustrated that she works all day and she comes home and you are on the computer.  Share with her your online class (is this college?) so she understands why and when you will be doing it.  Instead of just taking a hard line against what she expects from you by just saying "ain't gonna happen", start thinking of how she feels coming home after working all day to clean and cook when you have been in the house all day.  If you are over 18, she is under no obligation to feed and house you any longer and you should appreciate that all she asks is for help around the house.

But "pounding the pavement" just isn't the way it works in a lot of industries nowadays. I mean, there's nothing wrong with doing a little bit of it to see if there are any openings posted in store windows, but this is increasingly rarer, and in some industries it's disastrous to do this. (I'll post a few links to a really helpful job blog below.) I like the ideas upthread of the OP clearly communicating the productive things that she's doing all day on the computer. If mom only uses the computer for fun, she may not know how much job and course stuff is possible on it.

http://www.askamanager.org/2011/07/is-my-parents-advice-destroying-my-job-search.html
http://www.askamanager.org/2009/03/should-show-up-without-appointment.html

*inviteseller

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #26 on: October 01, 2013, 07:16:15 PM »
I do understand that most places are online applications now as I just came off a year of unemployment.  The job I got though?  A walk in try and it worked.  I would spend about 3 hours a night applying for jobs, and be out during the day.  Of the interviews I got, all but 1 were from walking in and dropping off my resume or inquiring.  But while I did online applications, I also took care of household chores.  I am just saying that looking for a job is not all about just sitting at the computer.  There is also in many cities, short term employment agencies and job search help agencies that can match you up with what you like, what you are qualified for.  I see OP's mom's side simply because when 2 adults live together, be it parent/ child, roomates, spouses ect, it is very disheartening for one to be doing everything and one contributing nothing and, IMO copping an attitude of "Don't want to, won't do it".  If someone is financially supporting you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that person asking for help.  Cooking dinner doesn't take lomng and would be a nice gesture for mom to come home from work to a nice meal. 

Promise

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #27 on: October 01, 2013, 07:23:00 PM »
Most people won't find a job online. It's the face to face - giving your resume or asking to fill it out on the spot or going to the mall and applying on their in-store computer application.

nuit93

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #28 on: October 01, 2013, 07:28:55 PM »
Most people won't find a job online. It's the face to face - giving your resume or asking to fill it out on the spot or going to the mall and applying on their in-store computer application.

As others have pointed out above, this isn't always the case.  It depends on the region and the type of work.

I haven't used an in-store kiosk or handed in a paper resume in over a decade, and I've worked various types of jobs.

Arila

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Re: How to handle mother?
« Reply #29 on: October 01, 2013, 07:33:16 PM »
I know you said you were uncomfortable telling her all the time what you are doing or let her watch over your shoulder, but maybe you could create an "accountability plan" wherein you make a commitment to complete some goal in your job search or online course. Tell her in advance what the plan is, and then report on your results. Start out with a daily plan and report, and then draw it out to weekly.  (hopefully soon you'll have a job and this can stop). Ex: "Wednesday Plan: Fill out X applications for local jobs. Complete unit 1 lecture and lab (est 3 hours total) in <course name> for <certificate name> Wednesday Report: Submitted applications at <employer 1> - <job title 1>, <employer 2> - <job title 2>, .... <employer X> - <job title X>. Responses received for previous submittals: 5 rejections, 3 interviews (MM/DD, MM/DD, MM/DD) Completed U&nit  1 lecture and lab."

I read her actions as a worried mother who wants to make sure you don't get into the habit of surfing all day, and her intentions are good. I think the accountability report will be good for both of you. (and good practice for the real world jobs! :D)