How to handle mother? Solution #49

[RooRoo]

Many folks seem to be assuming that Issilleke is in the USA. I don't think she is, based on this:

You have to be unemployed for at least a year before you can apply for assistance...

AFAIK, there's no place in the US that makes you wait for more than 8 weeks to get unemployment.

That means the job picture is probably very different from ours. That applies to divorce settlements, too.

As for job searching, the last time I did it, I treated it like a full-time job: I did it 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. And it still took me months to find one. (That was during the recession in the '80s; unemployment was 22% where I lived.) I would not want to live with the kind of pressure Issilleke is under, having to do full time housework, and take her online class*, and look for work. I agree with her that she needs to tactfully explain and/or show her mom just how little time she is wasting on the computer, and how much time she is spending doing things that will result in money earned.

Issilleke, how is it in your country? Could any of the suggestions people have made about getting out of the house to look for work help you get a job? If you did search for a job that way, your mom couldn't say much, could she? (Unless she's the kind of person who would still accuse you of being lazy and wasting time even if you had two jobs...)

[lakey]

had = and

Also, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard that the military may be fussier about taking high school drop outs. If OP dropped out of high school, it might be a good idea to get in a GED program.

Good luck, OP, I hope you find what you want to do job wise or educationally. You have a plan, which puts you way ahead of some.

[stargazer]

Many folks seem to be assuming that Issilleke is in the USA. I don't think she is, based on this:

You have to be unemployed for at least a year before you can apply for assistance...

AFAIK, there's no place in the US that makes you wait for more than 8 weeks to get unemployment.

That means the job picture is probably very different from ours. That applies to divorce settlements, too.

Her profile here indicates she is on the East Coast time zone.

[Black Delphinium]

Many folks seem to be assuming that Issilleke is in the USA. I don't think she is, based on this:

You have to be unemployed for at least a year before you can apply for assistance...

AFAIK, there's no place in the US that makes you wait for more than 8 weeks to get unemployment.

That means the job picture is probably very different from ours. That applies to divorce settlements, too.

Her profile here indicates she is on the East Coast time zone.

Which could be the US, Canada, several Caribbean islands, or someplace in Central/South America.

[Psychopoesie]

Based on a previous thread, the OP has dropped out of college.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=129925.msg3010860#msg3010860

[shhh its me]

Many folks seem to be assuming that Issilleke is in the USA. I don't think she is, based on this:

You have to be unemployed for at least a year before you can apply for assistance...

AFAIK, there's no place in the US that makes you wait for more than 8 weeks to get unemployment.

That means the job picture is probably very different from ours. That applies to divorce settlements, too.

Her profile here indicates she is on the East Coast time zone.

You also need to have been working to receive unemployment. There are other types of assistance available.

Leaving the legalities aside . If my daughter worked out with my ex spouse he would pay my alimony to her so she could pay me rent I would go ballistic too for multiple reasons.

Even the computer if she is still legally responsible for you while I don't think its the healthiest thing but I think she does actually have the right to say "let me see what you are doing."

OP are you in the states and under 18? or a different country? (country does effect etiquette too)

Lynn had a very good suggestion how to communicate with your mother.  As a mom if my son dropped out of school  I might make his life miserable enough that he would want to go back. I would especially want him to work as hard as he will have to without an education.  Also from a parents perspective if my child said " I want to join the military but all these chores are just too much for me and I really hate cooking so I don't want to do that".  I would think they needed a reality check , you don't get to pick everything you want to do in the military it may turn out that you get to pick nothing you want to do base on circumstances.

[snowdragon]

I have been out of work and in school for three years. I get no UI money and very little on disability. In addition to grad school and homework, I clean the house everyweek, do dishes, lawnwork and more. That's along with looking for work and helping out with various relatives when I can.
  Your mother is right, she should not have to carry the load on her own when another adult is living there. You can't cook? Now's the time to learn, and it's an important skill to have. Tell mom you don't feel comfortable cooking and ask for lessons, do other things around the house and show her what you are learning in your classes. ( If you dropped out of school what classes are you taking on line?)
  I tell my mom every day what I did for a job search that day, where I applied, where I interviewed and I am teaching her computers.
   And her alimony has nothing to do with you and you would be paying rent to her - with her own money. How would that help- if it were me it would make me angrier .  Good Luck in your job search - and try going to the Employment Office, temp agencies and networking with people you know. There also might be some non-profits that could help you. Contact Catholic Charities for ideas,,,they won't try to push religion on you, but are a great clearing house for help

[Addy]

Many folks seem to be assuming that Issilleke is in the USA. I don't think she is, based on this:

You have to be unemployed for at least a year before you can apply for assistance...

AFAIK, there's no place in the US that makes you wait for more than 8 weeks to get unemployment.

That means the job picture is probably very different from ours. That applies to divorce settlements, too.

Her profile here indicates she is on the East Coast time zone.

Which could be the US, Canada, several Caribbean islands, or someplace in Central/South America.

The OP is in Europe, based on previous threads.

[TurtleDove]

Your mom is actually doing a good thing for you by not allowing you to be completely comfortable living at home rent free.  Instead of coming up with stock phrases to out her off, it might be in your better interest to embrace getting yourself out and about.

POD to Audrey Quest's entire post but especially this.  I think some posters are not factoring in that the OP has no marketable skills (at least it is not likely since she did not mention them) and no previous work experience.  She does not get to be picky and choosy.  In my opinion she would be applying for any entry level job anywhere - flipping burgers, mopping floors, whatever.  She does not get to say, "well, my degree is in journalism and I would really benefit from a job that would use those skills so I am only applying to very specific types of jobs."  The OP has not indicated any career aspirations so she should be looking for and taking any job possible.  What about landscaping work?  Manual labor?  All of these jobs should be applied for.

If I were the OP's mom I would be furious.  OP, are you actually spending 8 hours a day applying for jobs, five days a week?  What kinds of jobs are these? As an adult, I work full time AND I do household chores.  It seems your mom does too.  Why would you think you shouldn't have to do either?

[snowdragon]

in the vein of job seeking - if you have a degree in one thing, don't discount other fields - those skills might come in handy in something you never thought of. One of my best friends has a Master's in Education. When he could not find a job in that, he got one in quality control and eventually landed at a museum as an exhibits design person.
  Look at the skills set and go with that rather than just the degree.

[TurtleDove]

in the vein of job seeking - if you have a degree in one thing, don't discount other fields - those skills might come in handy in something you never thought of. One of my best friends has a Master's in Education. When he could not find a job in that, he got one in quality control and eventually landed at a museum as an exhibits design person.
  Look at the skills set and go with that rather than just the degree.

Oh, absolutely, but here the OP lacks a degree or skills.  It seems like she should be looking for very low level entry jobs like hostessing at a restaurant or mowing lawns or working at a fast food chain.  I cannot imagine that filling out very general applications for jobs like that would take much time or significant mental effort.  I would imagine this plays into why the OP's mother is frustrated. 

[CocoCamm]

in the vein of job seeking - if you have a degree in one thing, don't discount other fields - those skills might come in handy in something you never thought of. One of my best friends has a Master's in Education. When he could not find a job in that, he got one in quality control and eventually landed at a museum as an exhibits design person.
  Look at the skills set and go with that rather than just the degree.

Oh, absolutely, but here the OP lacks a degree or skills.  It seems like she should be looking for very low level entry jobs like hostessing at a restaurant or mowing lawns or working at a fast food chain.  I cannot imagine that filling out very general applications for jobs like that would take much time or significant mental effort.  I would imagine this plays into why the OP's mother is frustrated.

I agree. Even applying for jobs when you have skills and/or a degree doesn't take all day. I honestly don't know how one could spend more then a few hours a day applying for jobs. As far as I know you can even apply for retail jobs on-line so it's not like she needs to be out and about hitting the pavement for hours on end.

I know when I was unemployed the first few days of job hunting took the longest as I was looking at a back log of job posting as well as fine tuning my resumes and cover letters. Once that was done it only took a very short amount of time to read job posting and email the appropriate resume and cover letter.

[dirtyweasel]

Most people won't find a job online. It's the face to face - giving your resume or asking to fill it out on the spot or going to the mall and applying on their in-store computer application.

I've been working for over 15 years and had countless jobs and with the exception of one I've applied  for them online.  The one exception I faxed in my resume and cover letter.  This is the experience of most of my friends and family as well and we're located throughout the US. 

[gemma156]

Many posters have given you very sound advice for your situation, it may not be the advice that you were looking for as most agree you have an immature outlook on your current living situation at the moment.

My son is 20, attending University and holding down a part time job.  He still lives at home and we are supporting him through his poverty higher educational years, by providing warm and secure living arrangements, no household running expenses.  We do this to give him a good starting board to spring off in entering the adult world without having a load of debt tailgating behind him.  In return we expect him to help around the house, despite his busy schedule.  Have a busy day lined up, then get up earlier to get your household responsibilities done in order to go about your day. 

Your mother was providing a lot for you in terms of support, while you worked at your schooling while you worked for a better future.  Since you decided to stop that ground work by dropping out of school, it's not unreasonable to expect you to support the person who is upholding the household workload.  It's time to stand up as a fully capable adult and pull your weight behind you, and time to stop the immature sulking about what is fair.  Time to start acting like the adult you have decided that you are.  Adults support themselves in all situations.

Good luck to the future and I hope you gain a bit more respect about what your mother does on a daily basis, and still runs her household, even while holding down a job.

 

[Yvaine]

I agree. Even applying for jobs when you have skills and/or a degree doesn't take all day. I honestly don't know how one could spend more then a few hours a day applying for jobs. As far as I know you can even apply for retail jobs on-line so it's not like she needs to be out and about hitting the pavement for hours on end.

I know when I was unemployed the first few days of job hunting took the longest as I was looking at a back log of job posting as well as fine tuning my resumes and cover letters. Once that was done it only took a very short amount of time to read job posting and email the appropriate resume and cover letter.

Though it can depend on the employer's online system. I found that lots of the jobs I applied to were pretty user-friendly to apply to, but several--particularly ones in academia, for some reason--had a really looooooong electronic form you had to go through in addition to uploading the resume and cover letter. Long as in many screens long and taking at least an hour to fill out. And the most annoying part was that roughly 3 of the employers actually used the same system but you couldn't port your info from one to another--you had to reenter it each. time.  It's true that the first few days are the heaviest, though, as you are assembling your info and reading a longer backlog of openings. (As well as continually thinking of new places to look. FWIW, I got most of my responses either from Craigslist ads or by going right to the websites of places I wanted to work and seeing what their listings were. Some of the websites specifically for job hunting are kind of scammy, and more about collecting phone numbers and email addresses for advertising than for finding people jobs.)