Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift, update pg 7

[Amara]

Could you take just the birthday girl out for a special lunch with her aunt, OP, when it comes around next year and give her your gift then?

[Nemesis]

My child is three, and she did not steal her sister's presents when we had the baby's one month celebration. Five years old is MORE than old enou to understand that she is stealing her sister's presents. And three years old is old enough to feel very hurt abd disrespected.

My three years old girl is always generous with her toys and food. But if you take it without asking her and refuse to give it back, she WILL get upset, hurt and angry. They are creating a very unhealthy environment for the three year old, which she may grow up to be abnormally possessive in future.

[Katana_Geldar]

If at that age the older girl doesn't understand about things that are not hers, then it's just going to get worse.

[FauxFoodist]

OP here-

Just in case anyone was curious...Younger niece had her birthday party this past weekend.  I made her a towel, which was a big hit as she now has one like her big sister.  Got her a cute and distinctive new winter hat that matched the towel.  Nobody said anything so hopefully she gets to wear it.

It was sad that she wasn't able to open any of the gifts by herself.  Her older sister crowded in and tire off the wrapping of every present first.  Older sister was quick to pull the gifts out of the boxes and try to lay verbal claim to whatever caught her fancy.  I spoke up three times, asking her to stop and let the birthday girl do the opening ( the birthday girl chose to open presents next to me) but neither the grandparents or the mother ( who was there ) said a peep.  If I had pushed the issue things would have gotten unpleasant so I just shut up. 

The birthday girl did notice me defending her and started getting upset when get sister kept barging in, trying to pull her gifts out of the way, but like I said, none of the adults who should have spoken up did anything.

At least she knows that the towel and hat are *hers* , so hopefully she gets to keep them.

Maybe this is why she hadn't been saying anything -- because none of the adults would watch out for her.  I feel for that poor child since I went through something similar as a child.

In my case, it wasn't my older sister who got everything she wanted by screaming for it; it was my younger sister.  My younger sister grew up to be an entitled brat prone to temper tantrums if she didn't get her own way.  I was the one who learned to not complain because no one cared or paid attention to me.  Fortunately, YS did finally grow out of the temper tantrums now that we are all headed towards/in middle age.  However, the entitlement *does* still exist, but I think she might be getting better.

[Venus193]

Well... what can I say other than Karma Is a [Rhymes with Witch] and she has PMS.  The parents will get payback in spades over this and I wouldn't feel sorry for them.

[chibichan]

I agree with Amara -I think it's time to change tactics . Instead of a gift that you know will be commandeered by big sister , why don't you take the birthday girl out for a special treat ?

 Maybe go for an ice cream , a manicure , a trip to a local museum or the library for some story time ?

You can do the same for big sister on her birthday. It gets you some great bonding time and gives the birthday girl something just for her .

I also feel for the little girl and it may provide a chance to tell Mom exactly that -
" I want to give her something no one can take away . She deserves to feel special on her birthday . "

[Sophia]

My heart broke a little when I read in the update that the little girl is so used to being not considered that she doesn't speak up for herself. 

[YummyMummy66]

In my mind this is what I think you should do, but in reality, probably not.

Next time Sis has a birthday, if I were you, I would be all over her every time she opened a present.  Take it and start opening it.  Oooh and aaah over it.  Try it on, or try it out.  When sis complains and raises a ruckus, because she will, "Innocently look at her and say, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I thought this was your norm.  You see, every time younger daughter has her birthday, you let older daughter do what I just did."

Hopefully, the light bulb would go off in sister's head. 

But, alas, probably not.

[Sophia]

Unfortunately, it is the niece's guardians that need the lightbulb.   

[Twik]

I think you can say things to relatives that you can't say to strangers. This includes "I am very upset that ON is allowed to dominate YN, particularly when it involves presents that I intend to belong to YN. Please explain why you allow this situation to exist."

[Venus193]

I think you can say things to relatives that you can't say to strangers. This includes "I am very upset that ON is allowed to dominate YN, particularly when it involves presents that I intend to belong to YN. Please explain why you allow this situation to exist."

I agree with this.  It's time the grandparents were put on the spot.

[SamiHami]

As an aunt, I wouldn't be afraid to say,

"ON, I'm giving this gift to YN. No, you cannot open it, stop right now. Go sit down and let YN open her present from me."

"ON, no, that' isn't for you. It's YN's birthday so she gets the presents. Please go sit down and let her open her gifts herself."

"Yes, ON, I understand that you want it, but I'm sorry, it's not yours. It's your sister's birthday and I am giving this to her. Please go sit down now."

[Luci]

For the younger niece's birthday, why not combine both a gift and experience?  Take her shopping and allow her to choose her gift.  That way if it's clothing, you can be 100% sure it will fit her.

And then have her wearing it when she gets back home! If you can't take her shopping, help her to try on the new outfit right after the gift opening.

We did a lot of, "Older Sibling, come sit on my lap so Younger Kid can open presents all by himself!' And, yes, it did sometimes involve some physical grabbing. (Toots expanded on this below, before I mentioned it, quite well.)

The twins were great: from the beginning, each knew that she would get a spoonful of food after Twin got a spoonful. Who says 6 month olds can't learn patience and sharing? They also opened their own gifts and were proprietary about the first use, and except for special stuffed animals and blankets, were very sharing. If two two year olds can do this, surely a 5 year old should be able to.

It must be hard watching this. The towels were a wonderful idea, and it it great the the 5 year old seems to have the earlier birthday so things like matching outfits would work.

[TootsNYC]

As an aunt, I wouldn't be afraid to say,

"ON, I'm giving this gift to YN. No, you cannot open it, stop right now. Go sit down and let YN open her present from me."

"ON, no, that' isn't for you. It's YN's birthday so she gets the presents. Please go sit down and let her open her gifts herself."

"Yes, ON, I understand that you want it, but I'm sorry, it's not yours. It's your sister's birthday and I am giving this to her. Please go sit down now."

Ditto--except that I'd also be saying, "Older Niece, come sit here on my lap, we'll watch her open the presents together. Come sit in my arms. Isn't it fun, to be the birthday girl? This time it's Younger Niece's turn." And I'd be modeling how one acts when one watches someone else open presents.

"Show us, Younger Niece--hold it up so ON and I can see it. Ooh, how pretty. Isn't that nice, ON? Your sister is really going to enjoy having that towel. You have one of those, remember when you got one for your birthday?"

And I'd be doing similar sorts of things before the birthday. "Isn't it going to be fun to watch her open presents? What can we do to make the day special? Let's put them here so it looks pretty."

With plenty of praise: "You're such a good big sister, to try to make her birthday special for YN. I love doing that--I did it for you, and you learned so well. It's fun to fuss over someone else."

Give her positive attention for being a good *watcher*--let her see that this gains her attention and love.

And redirect her--that's why I'd physically hold her on my lap--It would *look* like cuddling, but a part of it would be physically restraining her where she can't grab the other girl's presents.

[Idlewildstudios]

As an aunt, I wouldn't be afraid to say,

"ON, I'm giving this gift to YN. No, you cannot open it, stop right now. Go sit down and let YN open her present from me."

"ON, no, that' isn't for you. It's YN's birthday so she gets the presents. Please go sit down and let her open her gifts herself."

"Yes, ON, I understand that you want it, but I'm sorry, it's not yours. It's your sister's birthday and I am giving this to her. Please go sit down now."

Normally I would have done this.  *But* with the grandparents currently trying to get custody and having the girl's mom there at the party, the dynamics were really strained already, so I just tried to lay low.  ON isn't one to sit in my lap, since DHand I make her behave when she is around us, she tends to keep a healthy distance from me and DH.  If the grandparents are present and we nail her on her poor behavior, she just gives us a sly look out of the corner of hey eye and clings to Grandma, who will cave.

I did have both girls for about a week when my ILs had to leave town for an emergency.  I introduced a proper time out policy and did not tolerate tantrums, name calling, hitting or refusal to cooperate.  We had a good time once I established that I wasn't going to cave to a tantrum.  My IL's were amazed at how well the girls behaved, especially ON.  They are now trying to do same and life has been better at their house, but like at the party, they aren't consistent with ON.  But it is getting better.

My MIL actually told me that they didn't think ON was capable of controlling herself so they never insisted she try!!  :0