Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift, update pg 7

[bopper]

When you say you talked to ILs, was that MIL/FIL or SIL/BIL?
If it was the kids parents, then you might say that you are concerned if this is going to be a trend?
or you could give gifts that are experiences, e.g., you take the kids to the zoo one at a time so you know the little one gets her chance.

[TootsNYC]

I feel better it wasn't just me being grumpy.

They are only 3 and 5 so having the older one miss out on a gift for taking the hat won't really work, she won't understand. I have noticed this seems to be a pattern, things given to them both to use are taken by the oldest and the younger one can only have them when  the older girl has had her fun and moves on.

I will say this year the younger niece gets a handmade gift with her name embroidered on it, so it is marked as *hers*.

Don't sell you niece so short! At five there is definitely the ability to understand. There is no need to be cruel, but I do think that you can say to her "well, I guess that will have to count as your birthday present instead" and then replace the one for younger niece. Absent of developmental delays, the message will absolutely sink in.

These are little kids!!!

Try not to get too upset about it. At anybody. The parents are dealing with the issue as best they can. (I bet that making her wear the damaged hat *was* actually a punishment, at least for a while. She wanted it when it was perfect and lovely. I can't imagine that the parents would "make" her wear the hat if she was happy about it.)

I agree Millionaire Maria, that 5 is old enough to understand that the hat is her gift, if that makes you feel better. But she may not really mind anymore, even if she did when it was new--by now she's attached to it. So she may not see it as punishment, and actually it's not anymore YOUR place to punish her over this. That's her parents' prerogative, not yours. (But it sounds like they are pretty wimpy about it. Though, they *DID* put their foot down--and that's why the girl damaged the hat.)

And if you let this incident affect your feelings for her, I would say that's really, really short-sighted and unfair. She's five.

[Hmmmmm]

I feel better it wasn't just me being grumpy.

They are only 3 and 5 so having the older one miss out on a gift for taking the hat won't really work, she won't understand.  I have noticed this seems to be a pattern, things given to them both to use are taken by the oldest and the younger one can only have them when  the older girl has had her fun and moves on.

I will say this year the younger niece gets a handmade gift with her name embroidered on it, so it is marked as *hers*.

I took the parents making the damaged hat the older girl's daily hat as punishment not as a reward.  As in "You took your younger sister's hat and then tore it so now YOU have to wear it all winter." But I'm basing this on my own daughter who would have never worn a damaged piece of clothing even at 4 or 5. So in our house, wearing a damaged hat would have been a daily reminder of her bad deed and considered horrible punishment.

Also, I think at 5, she will understand that she is not getting a bday gift because of her actions. If her bday is within the next few months, I would buy something new for the 3 yr old and tell her this was to be the 5 year olds bday gift but since she took her sister's you think the 3 year old deserves hers.

On another note, may I suggest in the future not giving items to little ones that can't be used till later? Nothing worse at that age then getting a cute gift that you can't use. Better for you to buy it, but it away to be given at a future date.

[acicularis]

Honestly, in my home, the hat would have been taken away and older sis made to buy younger sis a new hat.

Yup, that's how it would have played out in our house, too.

Now that they're getting older, this isn't as much of a problem, but my middle child has often tried to appropriate her younger sister's belongings for herself. If they were both given something at the same time, she would quickly figure out which one was the "better" one and try to claim that. Sometimes the items would be almost identical, and she'd still see some significant difference between the two, and try to grab the one she wanted. One of the most frustrating things was how persistent this behavior was, even though we did our best not to reward it. She just seems to have been born with a sense of entitlement. I shudder to think of what kind of monster we would have created had we behaved as your ILs seem to.

I would definitely replace the hat for the younger one, and in future give things labeled in some way as hers. Not sure you can do much beyond that, if the parents aren't going to rein in the older girl's entitled grabbiness.

[weeblewobble]

yes, they are little kids, but the lessons they learn now help form the values they form as bigger kids, teens and adults.  And unless the parents did make the older girl wear the damaged hat as a punishment (which is an angle I hadn't considered) they are teaching the oldest some very dangerous lessons.

[Zilla]

I wouldn't be miffed.  I would just make sure next time that my gift fits her.  If it didn't, I myself would hold it till it does fit.  As for how the older girl got it, well that's on the mother and not on you. I also quite frankly don't see why it was included in the OP other than to make them look bad.  The facts remains are that you gifted the younger one with a gift that was a bit too large and the older one got it and wore it.  The younger one will now not be able to wear it new since it will be a worn hand me down.  Solution as I stated before, hold it yourself and gift it at the right time.

[secretrebel]

Rather than the OP punishing the 5 year old with no gift in future, I'd advise addressing this with the parents.

Why not call them up and say "look what you told me last time we met really bothered me. I bought that gift for 3 year old because it really matched her personality. To hear that 5 year old damaged it and was then given it. I love you and your kids and I don't want to make things uncomfortable between us but I also don't like to see 3 year old lose a present I gave her in this way."

Then see what they say. Maybe they didn't see it as an issue at the time but this will make them think again. Maybe they will be defensive and not willing to listen. Then try to give a gift that can't be taken away.

But give the parents a chance to listen to your concern first.

[AmethystAnne]

My grandchildren are ages 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. The 5 and 4 year olds certainly would understand what they did was wrong.

The parents need to train that 5y.o that the reward for pitching fits is something that is not good, and behaving is the way to go.

[rose red]

Are the hats still available?  If so, this year I would buy the younger niece another hat (with her name embroidered on) plus another birthday gift.  Seeing her younger sister wearing an undamaged hat is a punishment itself.  If they are not available, I would still buy her another cute hat plus a second birthday gift (both with her name on it somehow.)

And I agree with those who say a 5 year old is old enough to understand.

[TurtleDove]

Am I wrong to be miffed about this? 

I don't know that you are *wrong* to be miffed about this, but I question what you want to accomplish.  I think holding a grudge against a 3 year old or 5 year old would be completely out of line.  I think sharing your disdain for the parenting decisions of your inlaws is not going to be a productive exercise either (and from what I understand, the wearing of the damaged hat was a punishment, not a reward for stealing the hat).  I think if your goal is to convey that you are angry, by all means state this.  To me this would be a short-sighted thing to do, however, because it would cause/reignite bad feelings over....well...over a child's hat.  Five year olds make mistakes.  Parents make mistakes. I am not certain the parents here actually DID make a mistake though, and this is for them, not you, to decide since they are the parents.

[SamiHami]

I'm going against the tide here a bit. These aren't your kids. It's not up to you to punish or discipline them. The five year old isn't evil; she's just a kid. Maybe the parents bungled the handling of the issue but you will never really know for sure, since you don't live in their house and you don't know how they have disciplined the five year old already. I think when it comes to little kids you just have to roll with it and trust that their parents will handle disciplinary issues in the future.

That being said, I think experience or personalized gifts are a great way of avoiding this type of ocurrence in the future, but I would just let this one go.

[rain]

 

sounds like how my OS grew up .... she never changed .... whatever the younger sibs had she wanted & threw a fit until she got it or she didn't want to do it would be "why can't younger sibs do it "


for the kids sakes I hope the parents ARE NOT doing what mine did, which was let her get away with it

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

I see the parents giving the damaged hat to the older sister as a punishment, too, not a reward.  I know 5-year-olds who would absolutely understand that this was a punishment, and wouldn't normally wear damaged hats.  Now it's possible that by now the older sister is fine with the hat, but you don't know whether or not it started off as a punishment.

I don't think it's your place to say anything to the parents.  You can modify your gifts next time, such as telling the older sister that the hat is her gift, but I don't see what good would come out of talking to the parents about it. 

[Sophia]

I see it as a punishment only if the younger girl had been allowed to go into the older girl's room and pick out any toy she wanted to compensate for the hat that was taken from her. 
Or, if the parents bought the younger a hat at least as nice and told the older that she would have gotten a new hat, but instead she'd damaged her sisters.  So, the younger gets a new hat instead. 

[Idlewildstudios]

Thank you for the replies!

A bit of BG-  nieces have been raised by my M&FIL for the last year and a half.  It's a sad situation.

That said, the 5 year old has spent her entire life being coddled to by my IL's "because things have been so trying for her."  She's a smart kid and knows if she pitches a fit or cries they will give on to appease her.  I've watched it happen many, many times.

The hat was given to her to wear simply to appease her.  My IL's told me that having it kept her quiet and happy.  I don't blame either child, it was not their decision, they are little kids.

I think this year the younger one will get a new cute hat with her name on it and the older sister will be told that it is not hers to wear.  I have been asked to give clothing gifts that are a but oversized so they can grow into them over the season, which was why the other hat was a little big.

Thank you for all the good advice.