Author Topic: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift, update pg 7  (Read 19106 times)

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Sophia

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #30 on: October 02, 2013, 12:15:35 PM »
You could also make sure that the clothes are at least one size smaller than what older sister wears. 
But, do not gift hats or purses or kid's jewelry, or anything that could be given to the older. 

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #31 on: October 02, 2013, 12:22:02 PM »
You could also make sure that the clothes are at least one size smaller than what older sister wears. 
But, do not gift hats or purses or kid's jewelry, or anything that could be given to the older.

This is why I had to stop giving actual clothing gifts.  Even though I was asked to buy a size up for each girl, they are only one size apart.  So the 5 year old was wearing both sets of clothing and the 3 year old got hers only after her sister outgrew it.  (Like when I gave them both several requested sets if footsie PJ's).

I think I just have to rethink my gift giving.  It made me feel better to talk about it though!
« Last Edit: October 02, 2013, 12:23:43 PM by Idlewildstudios »

Zilla

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2013, 12:25:30 PM »
You could also make sure that the clothes are at least one size smaller than what older sister wears. 
But, do not gift hats or purses or kid's jewelry, or anything that could be given to the older.

This is why I had to stop giving actual clothing gifts.  Even though I was asked to buy a size up for each girl, they are only one size apart.  So the 5 year old was wearing both sets of clothing and the 3 year old got hers only after her sister outgrew it.  (Like when I gave them both several requested sets if footsie PJ's).


With this update, I really have to say you can't be miffed.  You have already gifted many times and saw that the older sister wears it first.  As stated a few times already, I would disregard the request for larger sizes and buy exactly the right size.  If they protest, you can be blunt and tell them you wish the younger one to have "new" things to wear. 


I wouldn't have her name embroidered on the front of the hat, this isn't very safe for being out in public.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #33 on: October 02, 2013, 12:25:54 PM »
Thank you for the replies!

A bit of BG-  nieces have been raised by my M&FIL for the last year and a half.  It's a sad situation.

That said, the 5 year old has spent her entire life being coddled to by my IL's "because things have been so trying for her."  She's a smart kid and knows if she pitches a fit or cries they will give on to appease her.  I've watched it happen many, many times.

The hat was given to her to wear simply to appease her.  My IL's told me that having it kept her quiet and happy.  I don't blame either child, it was not their decision, they are little kids.

I think this year the younger one will get a new cute hat with her name on it and the older sister will be told that it is not hers to wear.  I have been asked to give clothing gifts that are a but oversized so they can grow into them over the season, which was why the other hat was a little big.

Thank you for all the good advice.

Based on this, I change my suggestion about using her bday to give younger child a gift since I don't know what her emotionally maturity is at 5.

But I will say that you should be honest with your 5 yr old neice each time you see her in the hat.
"Neice, it really bothers me that you took a gift I gave your sister away from her. Do you think that's fair?"
"Neice, would you take that hat off. It reminds me of how mean you were to your sister taking a gift I gave her away."
"3yr old neice, I'm really sorry your gift was taken away and damaged. I'll make sure to give you something really special next year that can't be taken away."

TurtleDove

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #34 on: October 02, 2013, 12:36:39 PM »
I feel for this family. Personally, if I were OP I would focus on showing kindness and love to both girls instead of repeatedly berating a five year old. Unless the OP intends to take over all parenting of the girls I think if she were to bring up "the hat issue" again and berate the five year old she will only succeed in damaging her relationship with everyone involved. Five year olds, in my experience, are still learning and deserve forgiveness. They also respond far better to positive reinforcement than they do to being told again and again that they are bad. I would imagine these girls already feel "bad" and I would do all I could to show them love rather than judgment. Same for the inlaws caring for them.

shhh its me

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #35 on: October 02, 2013, 12:37:08 PM »
You could also make sure that the clothes are at least one size smaller than what older sister wears. 
But, do not gift hats or purses or kid's jewelry, or anything that could be given to the older.

This is why I had to stop giving actual clothing gifts.  Even though I was asked to buy a size up for each girl, they are only one size apart.  So the 5 year old was wearing both sets of clothing and the 3 year old got hers only after her sister outgrew it.  (Like when I gave them both several requested sets if footsie PJ's).

I think I just have to rethink my gift giving.  It made me feel better to talk about it though!

I get why a parent (grandparent) wants to have clothing a size larger so the kids will get more use of things but I'd start buying the younger one some things that fit now.  I don't want to make an interesting assumption but it sounds like they are using your gifts in part to keep the girls clothed , so I would probably still include some clothing gifts if it was in my budget.  If I could I'd do an experience on their Bdays and maybe a small shopping trip when things are on clearance( which is exactly when most people will need to star wearing seasonally cloths.)  I might even buy them the exact same thing in their appropriate sizes.

Rather then get into a battle with mil/fil and a 5 year old over redistributing birthday gifts I'd change the rules of engagement.  It wouldn't be giving into negative behavior to buy them both a pair of jeans for start of school and take them both for ice-cream on their birthdays, I'f try to not supply a chance for the negative behavior.

turnip

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #36 on: October 02, 2013, 12:40:03 PM »
I feel for this family. Personally, if I were OP I would focus on showing kindness and love to both girls instead of repeatedly berating a five year old. Unless the OP intends to take over all parenting of the girls I think if she were to bring up "the hat issue" again and berate the five year old she will only succeed in damaging her relationship with everyone involved. Five year olds, in my experience, are still learning and deserve forgiveness. They also respond far better to positive reinforcement than they do to being told again and again that they are bad. I would imagine these girls already feel "bad" and I would do all I could to show them love rather than judgment. Same for the inlaws caring for them.

I completely agree.  I understand the OP being 'miffed' but there are larger issues going on than a hat.  I'd change the sort of gifts I buy for a while, work on building loving relationships with my niecees.

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #37 on: October 02, 2013, 12:48:48 PM »
I just wanted to be clear that I never, other than the initial puzzled look, mentioned the hat.

You are correct that they all need live and support, girls and adults.  And we give that , since it is a bad situation.

I am trying to gift according to what they need and can use, not just toys.  I guess I just need to find a way for the younger one to be able to enjoy her gift without the older one getting it.  Experience trips aren't an option right now, though maybe in the future.

GreenEyedHawk

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #38 on: October 02, 2013, 01:00:21 PM »
For the younger niece's birthday, why not combine both a gift and experience?  Take her shopping and allow her to choose her gift.  That way if it's clothing, you can be 100% sure it will fit her.
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weeblewobble

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #39 on: October 02, 2013, 01:43:06 PM »
Thank you for the replies!

A bit of BG-  nieces have been raised by my M&FIL for the last year and a half.  It's a sad situation.

That said, the 5 year old has spent her entire life being coddled to by my IL's "because things have been so trying for her."  She's a smart kid and knows if she pitches a fit or cries they will give on to appease her.  I've watched it happen many, many times.

The hat was given to her to wear simply to appease her.  My IL's told me that having it kept her quiet and happy.  I don't blame either child, it was not their decision, they are little kids.

I think this year the younger one will get a new cute hat with her name on it and the older sister will be told that it is not hers to wear.  I have been asked to give clothing gifts that are a but oversized so they can grow into them over the season, which was why the other hat was a little big.

Thank you for all the good advice.

Based on this, I change my suggestion about using her bday to give younger child a gift since I don't know what her emotionally maturity is at 5.

But I will say that you should be honest with your 5 yr old neice each time you see her in the hat.
"Neice, it really bothers me that you took a gift I gave your sister away from her. Do you think that's fair?"
"Neice, would you take that hat off. It reminds me of how mean you were to your sister taking a gift I gave her away."
"3yr old neice, I'm really sorry your gift was taken away and damaged. I'll make sure to give you something really special next year that can't be taken away."

I think this a one-way route to seriously damaging your relationship with your inlaws. You'll alienate them by criticizing their GD, whom they coddle. And the issue that needs to be addressed is being perpetrated by the adults.  They're the ones who need to change their behavior. Yes, niece's behavior is a problem, but it's being enabled by the adults. 

Rather than trying to correct the 5yo, maybe try to give the 3yo some extra love and attention?  Because she is the one being lost in the shuffle here.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2013, 01:46:08 PM by weeblewobble »

NyaChan

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2013, 02:00:24 PM »
Thank you for the replies!

A bit of BG-  nieces have been raised by my M&FIL for the last year and a half.  It's a sad situation.

That said, the 5 year old has spent her entire life being coddled to by my IL's "because things have been so trying for her."  She's a smart kid and knows if she pitches a fit or cries they will give on to appease her.  I've watched it happen many, many times.

The hat was given to her to wear simply to appease her.  My IL's told me that having it kept her quiet and happy.  I don't blame either child, it was not their decision, they are little kids.

I think this year the younger one will get a new cute hat with her name on it and the older sister will be told that it is not hers to wear.  I have been asked to give clothing gifts that are a but oversized so they can grow into them over the season, which was why the other hat was a little big.

Thank you for all the good advice.

Based on this, I change my suggestion about using her bday to give younger child a gift since I don't know what her emotionally maturity is at 5.

But I will say that you should be honest with your 5 yr old neice each time you see her in the hat.
"Neice, it really bothers me that you took a gift I gave your sister away from her. Do you think that's fair?"
"Neice, would you take that hat off. It reminds me of how mean you were to your sister taking a gift I gave her away."
"3yr old neice, I'm really sorry your gift was taken away and damaged. I'll make sure to give you something really special next year that can't be taken away."

I think this a one-way route to seriously damaging your relationship with your inlaws. You'll alienate them by criticizing their GD, whom they coddle. And the issue that needs to be addressed is being perpetrated by the adults.  They're the ones who need to change their behavior. Yes, niece's behavior is a problem, but it's being enabled by the adults. 

Rather than trying to correct the 5yo, maybe try to give the 3yo some extra love and attention?  Because she is the one being lost in the shuffle here.

Yes, I think this would be inappropriate - you aren't the child's parent and really it is the adults who are making this the problem that it has ended up being. 

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2013, 02:27:46 PM »
Agreed.  I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now.  I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point.  I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another  like that.  It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening.  The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

CakeEater

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #42 on: October 02, 2013, 06:17:31 PM »
My first thought was that wearing the damaged hat was a punishment. I was going to say that you can be miffed if you like, but it's really not up to you to police anyone else's parenting decisions. You know what - I've let my 4 year old play with gifts given to my 2 year old. There were various good reasons. If the gifter had come and complained about the way I managed the belongings of my children, they'd be welcome not to give gifts any more. And if they berated my 4 year old every time they saw her using the object, they wouldn't be seeing us any more.

And even with your update giving the reasons why the 5 year old was given the hat, it's still not the giver's job to police how the gift is used once it's in the other family's possession. It does sound like a really sad situation, but criticising other people's parenting isn't OK.

I can't think of any gifts that a 3 year old would love that a 5 year old wouldn't be able to take. This would probably grate on every nerve after the hat incident. but could you get each a smaller gift on their birthday, and give the other the exact same thing. So both girls get identical gifts on each others' birthdays to the birthday girl.

It doesn't teach the 5 year-old to respect her sister's belongings, but that's not your job anyway. It would mean that the 3 year old might be able to use her gift, though.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #43 on: October 02, 2013, 06:21:20 PM »
I would agree with the idea of buying the girls clothes that will fit NOW. And if the grandparents say anything, you can reply, mildly, "I was so disappointed when the hat I'd specifically give to Youngest ended up being worn by Oldest instead. So I've decided that it's simply more fun for me to give her something that I know she'll be able to wear now, without waiting for it to become a hand-me-down."

gemma156

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Re: Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift
« Reply #44 on: October 02, 2013, 07:04:45 PM »
Perhaps you could give your younger niece an experience instead.  A day trip doing something just the two of you together.  That way her sister couldn't destroy or takeover the gift.  Then when its the older niece's birthday do the same thing a day trip together, just the two of you.  That way each experience is different, and it helps with their personnel growth development and self worth.

It would also promote healthy relationships for them and a deeper connection with you.